[CopperStar]

My monthly pdoc appointment was yesterday, and on the way there I worked up the guts to tell her at least some of what has been going on. It was less than two miles of walking, and yet I still felt exhausted by the time I got there, like I needed a serious nap, so it was somewhat difficult to talk.

But I told her that a couple weeks into the Olanzapine I started to feel really depressed and also get anxiety, so I was tempted to skip doses, which I then did, start skipping dosages, and only taking it on/off. I also made a point to express that I knew it was foolish of me, but that skipping dosages is very tempting when I feel like it makes my depression symptoms even worse. I also admitted to having suicidal thoughts a lot this past month, but said that I don't think I'm actually suicidal, or else I would probably be dead by now.

I was surprised and disappointed when she didn't want to give me anything for depression or anxiety. She wants to keep my on the 10mg of Olanzapine and refilled my prescription, though. She said she thinks I should use therapy for the depression and anxiety symptoms. But in addition to financial issues being in the way, I don't really see much point in therapy. I've tried therapy. You talk about what bothers you, the therapist makes some comment like, "That sounds stressful," or "That must have made you feel sad," and then you leave still feeling like garbage. Therapy doesn't really do anything, IME, except maybe make it even worse since you spend 45 minutes dwelling on what's bothering you in the first place, and then leave after getting all worked up about it.

I didn't want to argue, though. We only had about 12 minutes to talk altogether, and I was tired and spacing out. But on the walk home all I could make of things was that my feelings of depression, anxiety and suicide must be normal feelings. If they weren't normal feelings, then they would need medication. But they don't need medication, they're normal feelings, feelings and thoughts that make sense. I just had this overall feeling that my pdoc was implying that maybe I should commit suicide after all, even though that can't be it. I don't know.

I took the Olanzapine last night, and started dreaming while awake. It makes me feel high at first. I heard music and my mind filled with imagery, a crystal hall where a female robot was dancing alone. Drifted in and out of drunken-like sleep all night. Now it's the next day and I feel physically depressed again. No energy, very groggy, very stiff. I feel old. The sadness is there, but it's blunted. I don't want to eat or shower or do anything.

I figure it's my fault, since I'm too docile and anxious to cause a ruckus. I'm always too calm, too polite, too self-controlled. Maybe she thought I was malingering for some.. anti-depressants? I guess it's a little funny.

[SillyKitty]

My pdoc told me through his receptionist that I need to go to therapy more frequently, and I was all,"uh huh" because I have a flighty therapist that I haven't seen since January. I quit making appts when I went inpatient, or right before, and she didn't miss me til June. I do want to get in with this other therapist. I'm more comfortable with male therapists because females intimidate me. He's very into holistic approach. Oils and stuff. Can you find anyone like that there? I think it'll be much more helpful than uh huh uh huh when do you want to make your next appt?

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by SillyKitty

My pdoc told me through his receptionist that I need to go to therapy more frequently, and I was all,"uh huh" because I have a flighty therapist that I haven't seen since January. I quit making appts when I went inpatient, or right before, and she didn't miss me til June. I do want to get in with this other therapist. I'm more comfortable with male therapists because females intimidate me. He's very into holistic approach. Oils and stuff. Can you find anyone like that there? I think it'll be much more helpful than uh huh uh huh when do you want to make your next appt?

I have no financial independence right now. I would have to ask my mother to pay for therapy if I went, and she has already made it clear that despite her making $160,000 per year plus having her husband's income to rely on, that she doesn't have anything leftover for me, that she has vacations she wants to go on instead. I explained this to my pdoc, and she suggested that I try to find a free Alcoholics Anonymous group. I was like wat. The whole conversation was so weird to me, I was having a hard time focusing, anyway. I'm of half the mind to just take the whole container of Olanzapine and call it a life, but then I know it would probably just put me in a temporary coma and cause me more problems.

I wish I could have a therapist and psychiatrist rolled into one. Like a psychiatrist I could actually talk with for more than 10 minutes. Therapists just want me to kumbaya myself, but psychiatrists don't have enough time to actually listen to what is going on. Gee wiz lol.

[raspberrytorte]

I understand about the therapist thing. I don't have one. I went to three appointments with one in february, but then stopped seeing her because it seemed pointless and I have nothing to talk about because my life is fine. I don't know why your pdoc doesn't put you on a mood stabilizer?

Oh, and please don't take your entire bottle of medication! If you lived, you don't want to wind up a vegetable or something.

If you really, truly feel suicidal you need to call your doctor or call a crisis line or go to the ER.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I understand about the therapist thing. I don't have one. I went to three appointments with one in february, but then stopped seeing her because it seemed pointless and I have nothing to talk about because my life is fine. I don't know why your pdoc doesn't put you on a mood stabilizer?

Oh, and please don't take your entire bottle of medication! If you lived, you don't want to wind up a vegetable or something.

If you really, truly feel suicidal you need to call your doctor or call a crisis line or go to the ER.

I don't understand, either. She just wants me to do AP monotherapy. If I stick with the Olanzapine and continue to get worse with it, then she wants to switch APs, try Abilify is what she had said. I know I don't seem bad enough, I never do. I never seem like anything, and then implode by myself. Normally I don't have to worry much about suicidal thoughts. I don't think I have it in me to literally attack myself, outside of SH but that's quite different and not exactly dangerous-dangerous. I usually will just quit eating and plan to starve myself to death, but that takes weeks, and I usually come around internally before I'm anywhere close to dying, it makes for a decent coping safety net. But having all these pills and knowing how many milligrams it takes just makes it so easy to consider the possibility, and all it takes is a few impulsive, gutsy minutes. So I feel weird about it. I also feel like a typical PIA borderline. I have medication that's supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn't, so I can't stop thinking about ODing on it. But they're just thoughts. I've almost died enough times to know that I don't really want to die, even it takes me til the last minute to realize it.

[BadWolfC]

Therapy has never worked for me, in fact it usually makes me worse, so I understand your point of view. Maybe it's just because none of the therapists I ever had when I was younger bothered to try and act like they cared. It's hard enough talking about what's bothering you, let alone trying to talk about it with people who make you feel like everything you say is wrong. I know that therapy does work for a lot of people, but I'm just not one of them... I think I'm too far outside the box of "normal" for therapists to be able to understand me at all, let alone see that my idea of "good" is far different than theirs. I'm lucky to have a couple close friends, and my fiance who I can vent to if something is really bothering me and I need to get it out, but other than that I avoid talking about my feelings...

I was on the wrong medications most of my life, so I understand that issue too. Right now I'm on Abilify and it's the only thing that I've ever taken that makes me feel normal. If you're having issues as bad as it sounds like you are, I would try to switch medications. It might take a while to find the right one, but as long as you're trying to find a good one rather than sticking with something that clearly doesn't work, it'll be worth it. There are a lot of options out there, probably more than your doc has made you aware of.

[~Christina]

I had Therapy decades ago and it got me no where. I quit.

My Therapy now? Its all goal orientated. My T pushes me when need be. My life has changed for the better in every way possible.

Some people like just having someone to go unload on, just speak out loud all the current problems but not really looking or wanting to find solutions, and hey thats fine. But If you want to make actual changes I think you need to be your own best advocate and say I want Therapy to help me deal with XYZ.

In general people never get what they want and need unless they ask for it.

[Edgar's Mom]

CopperStar, I have 10 mg Zyprexa prescribed to me as a PRN for when I have my outburst/meltdowns that may be part of a mixed episode (not sure about that) or just bipolar rage. The idea is that if I feel myself escalating I run and get one and take it and hope it kicks in before I freak out.

Whenever I take one it knocks me flat out. As soon as it kicks in I fall asleep and spend most of the next 24 hours asleep. When I wake up I feel suicidal and in an absolute hopeless black depression. I can barely talk or function.

Thankfully I only have to take them a 2 or 3 times a year, but I wanted you to know that I get both extreme sedation/tiredness as well as the suicidal depression after taking them.

I'm extremely sensitive to drugs though. I see people on here taking that dose daily and I can't imagine, although I know the body adjusts after a time.

[*Laurie*]

I believe that denying meds to someone who battles with depression/anxiety is CRUEL. And I think doing so is every bit as ignorant as telling a diabetic to cure herself with therapy.

The way I see it, a lot of therapists just want to justify their jobs.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

CopperStar, I have 10 mg Zyprexa prescribed to me as a PRN for when I have my outburst/meltdowns that may be part of a mixed episode (not sure about that) or just bipolar rage. The idea is that if I feel myself escalating I run and get one and take it and hope it kicks in before I freak out.

Whenever I take one it knocks me flat out. As soon as it kicks in I fall asleep and spend most of the next 24 hours asleep. When I wake up I feel suicidal and in an absolute hopeless black depression. I can barely talk or function.

Thankfully I only have to take them a 2 or 3 times a year, but I wanted you to know that I get both extreme sedation/tiredness as well as the suicidal depression after taking them.

I'm extremely sensitive to drugs though. I see people on here taking that dose daily and I can't imagine, although I know the body adjusts after a time.

See that was where I was trying to go with it, that I would be willing to take Zyprexa as needed when I can tell I'm getting mixed/psychotic, nip in the bud and bear the depression for a few days, when needed. And that I would like to be on a stabilizer as everyday treatment, not the AP.

But my pdoc told me that taking Zyprexa only as-needed would result in me having constant withdrawal symptoms, and she seemed to be blaming my depression on the fact that I was only taking the Zyprexa as-needed and that the depression must be withdrawal.

I really don't think I can Zyprexa every single day, though. It really does make me feel extremely depressed and suicidal. Those thoughts/feelings are already there but the Zyprexa makes them ten times worse. I passively agreed to keep trying Zyprexa daily for 3 more weeks, since that's when my next appointment is. But the whole thing feels ridiculous to me.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

I believe that denying meds to someone who battles with depression/anxiety is CRUEL. And I think doing so is every bit as ignorant as telling a diabetic to cure herself with therapy.

The way I see it, a lot of therapists just want to justify their jobs.

I felt like I didn't have grounds to argue with her much, because I hadn't been taking the Zyprexa as prescribed. I had been trying to take it only when I felt I really needed it. So I feel like I have to commit to these three weeks of taking it daily, and then I will feel that I have grounds to be upset if she isn't willing to try something new or to add something, to deal with the depression and anxiety symptoms, not just the psychosis. So I guess in order prove that it's not right for me or not enough, I have to stick with it for 3 weeks straight and just hope I don't become extremely suicidal.

[*Laurie*]

CopperStar, if you take the Zyprexa again and again it causes you to feel depressed you need to tell the woman you will not continue taking it because you are afraid of being suicidal! You don't 'have to' commit to anything. It is your body, not hers. You don't have to be aggressive, just very clear with her.

Take care of yourself, 'kay?

[grixkid]

idk... we should advocate for ourselves at least with the pdoc. Pretty hard for me tell women I'm awesome, or guys to efff off, but with the doc? I let em have it all