Finding Stability and then losing it....

Hi all, after being away feeling good and all, I had a huge crash this morning. I am not sure there is a way to pin point wtf is going on here- but i have a few ideas. I was irresponsible over the weekend when i was away- drinking a bit, stayed up too late, felt like crap after. I am a smoker (usually just 1 a day) but this weekend upped it to much more then that for a few days, and then came home, and tried to quit all this week. This morning major mood swing, freaked out, typical rage behavior, tantrums, screaming, and then... huge embarrassment and feeling like total $hit and exhausted now -_-

Have Pdoc appt today- what timing. I am scared to tell her i was so irresponsible... she is worried and always asking about my drinking. I dont know if that is a problem- typically 1 drink maybe a night, if any. But on weekends i can go hard- i know it is wrong, but i like to have fun :/ I resent this illness sometimes b/c i have to be so careful.... what a PIA. but then i pay.

Just when i thought i was OK.... at least my BF realizes (after the fact) this is my illness, but i get really mad at him in the heat of the moment, blaming him and saying he is also sick, that he doesnt do a good job of helping me get better, yadda yadda... i am becoming a broken record seeing major patterns each time i lose it. And my neighbors... i am waiting for them to call the cops one day... things get ugly and i hate that!!! Today, i locked myself in the bathroom twice and just wanted to break things.

I am not sure if it is that i am crashing after being 'up' all weekend? Or- if the weekend put me hypomanic? I dont know how to assess what is going on... b/c i was in bed, crying, didn't want to get up and didn't want to even live life today. I thought about taking a bottle of my prozac... then i realized it was a stupid idea, and that life would get better.

Im tired of all of this. I am scared b/c i worry my life is going to go to $hit, i am on meds and figured they would have helped me more by now. Ugh...... I also fantasize about being hospitalized or put in a institution where i am surrounded by help, and others who are like me, and checking out of life. I guess it is just the illness speaking right now. I hate when it hi-jacks my personality.

Oh the sick thing is- my SX drive is through the roof... Could things be weirder?

F it!!

Another thing/ Q: I am really spending a $hit load on T and Pdoc. T is especially expensive, wants to see me each week i pay out of pocket 100/visit. My Pdoc is 140/visit. So that is about 500/mo on these people.

Pdoc seemed to pick up on things (PTSD) that my T missed. Pdoc told me to work on trauma etc with T. T is kind of good, but also kind of $ hungry. The last few visits started BS'ing about life, how good things are... avoiding the hard stuff (that same thing happened w/ a prior T). Pdoc is also questioning why she does/says certain things. She is growing her business, I suspect she is milking me!! Pdoc says that T should know better in a way- b/c being financially stressed is not going to help me. I feel like ditching T right now. She is starting a yoga studio now, and pushing me into that and wants me to bring people. It seems obvious, and she is always booking out like 5 appts worth into the future. Does anyone else see red flags here??

She is good, pre-diag BP... i am grateful to her for her help- but also dont trust her completely! She wanted my mom, sister, friend all to come in. I think just to grow her business. She is sneaky----- I am going to talk to Pdoc, but do i really need both?? Can't i just have 1?? And need to decrease my spending (actually this conversation is what triggered my BF and my blowout this morning).... Grrrr vicious cycle

It's obvious your weekend party flung you right into this mess.

If your only on Lamictal well that might not be enough as its really only helpful for the depressive end of Bipolar. Prozac can be activating for some people.

Of course you need to be honest with your Pdoc and T . They can only help you if your honest. You are investing money into helping yourself and finding stability.

Why not for the time being stop the drinking and follow a pretty strict schedule for sleep ,exercise and whatnot. If you level out and are stable for a few months then have a drink or 2 and see how you react.

It is almost impossible to find stability in Bipolar if someone is drinking or a weekend partier.

You are pretty angry at your treatment team.. It's common to be angry about having Bipolar or any illness to be honest.. Are you maybe mad that your facing the need to make lifestyle changes to help yourself find stability?

If your unhappy with your treatment team can you find new providers?

You can already see your in a unhealthy pattern. Wash rinse repeat.. All the medication in the world can't change unhealthy activities into healthy ones.

Thank you!
My Pdoc appt went well. She also mentioned Borderline PD... I had researched that prior and she said it can be hard to differentiate however they can coexist and treatment is similar. Since i take Prozac in the morning and typically it is a bit before some of my morning episodes we are going off Prozac. Lets see how it goes!
Also she encouraged a therapy known as DBT... And that if i stay with current T, i need to have a open convo.... Today i was angry in general. As m T pointed out i seem to change opinions drastically about people so... No rash decisions.

Does anyone have insights on BPD vs BP2? Of have then together?

Many people have bpd and bp .. very common actually.

Dbt is by far the best way to learn how to manage your life, relationships and ultimately your actions. It's a good learning tool whether a person has bpd or not.

Im glad your Pdoc is listening and working to help you!

I am curious, what gives you the diagnosis of BPD? Is it something about your relationship with your boyfriend.

If you don't mind me asking. Intimate relationships sometimes can trigger BPD?

Hi there, Well my Pdoc noticed that lately at my sessions I have been putting someone up high on a pedestal, and then the next session, they were to blame and I had been in some kind of fight w/ them or had ill feelings towards them. She said to some degree is normal to feel that way, but in my case it is very extreme. I am typically very nice, even shy... so for me to act out, have these massive outbursts.... its humiliating. I try so hard to cope and calm myself, even saying the 'code word' to my boyfriend amidst my sweeping rage coming over me. It was scary $hit, always is... causing me pure physical and mental exhaustion.

I know that in my own mind, I can go from love to hate with someone very fast... I have always been 'sensitive' and i think also the rapid speed in which my 'tantrums' or whatever you call them last, they are pretty rapid too. Certain things tend to set me off much more. I know some days i can rip someone a new one like nobodys business, then i love them and am buying gifts. its crazy.

another indicator is fear of abandonment... after being close w/ my Boyfriend for a long weekend, and home sick another day, he went to work- shortly before i had my major melt down. It sound so childish in hind-sight, but in my own manipulative way (or the illness' way) i might have been causing drama for him to stick around... even threatening suicide. I completely turned around in the evening and today feel like a normal person again. I think if i was hypomanic or depressed, it wouldn't turn so fast.....

Curious if i am indeed also BP2- I think I am as I tend to get hypo and very rapid speech/ pressure speech esp when I was only on Prozac. Hard to say for sure!! In time it is all unraveling itself...

I know i have experienced depression also, but again it seems like it was never all that long-lived... who knows though- b/c today and this morning i was bouncing around the house w/ my family members and acting crazy. I could be in a hypo state...

I was reading an article the other day about how it can sometimes be difficult for psychiatrists to differentiate between the two. Apparently they often mistakenly diagnose one for the other. And then of course it is possible to have both. I'll look for that article later and share it.

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It sounds like BPD to me.

I think if you feel this way towards him all the time and it doesn't matter if you are depressed or not, it may be bpd.

Thank you- i have been reading allot myself on this. I am still searching for answers....

Hmm do you mean if I can get set off easily by him? Well- the answer is pretty much no (typically) however before meds, it was a bit more complicated.

Now, its easier to shrug things off. I think the partying put me into a hypo state or elevated mood.. then depressed when i came home for a few reasons, sad to be home, sad to back to work, feeling a little sick- I took allot of things everyone said personally ... Wanting to break up w/ my therapist, not wanting to go to work/leave house, wanting to (and going) home early for the day. I felt awful.. Over-analyzing everything!

Fast forward to now, i feel great. I dont recognize the girl that acted out so drastically.

I kind of have a hunch that my mother is BPD (as my therapist also thinks..) and my dad is BP (or close to it).

So.... I am at a loss of what to think!

Im not sure if this is the article, but this is excellent read- still working my way through:

Bipolar Disorder and “Borderline Personality Disorder”

What’s the difference?

Bipolar Disorder and ?Borderline Personality Disorder? | PsychEducation

And there is a very interesting case reference: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...sorder-part-ii

I related with this case for a variety of reasons :

I feel I meet criteria for BPD being that much of my mood swings are tied to relationships (past and present) but i can also get upset by: my weight, stress in life/ job, too much coffee alcohol anti-depressants, my appearance (i can be perfectionist), drivers or others on the road... etc..

However: i also have issues with:

Excess spending
Very high libido phases, exploring bi-sexuality especially when i am feeling 'up' or coffee-high (wonder if this is just normal for a girl in her mid-30s?)
sometimes I can wake up very early, unable to sleep until i force myself w/ pills (then i feel groggy for a bit but mostly alert and fuction fine next day).
Or- the reverse- i can't fall asleep, feel 'up' out of no-where (after being tired after dinner) and / or have arguments/ stay up very late, and wake up and function next day (though i am usually exhausted from extensive fighting...)
(not sure if it matters, when i was a little girl- I had insomnia - would stay up at night cleaning my room... and also in my 20's i had issues sleeping esp when stressed or hard-core dieting.. perhaps this is just coincidence...)

I have a history of drugs, alcohol, smoking, cutting, bulimia, re-creating my identity (drastic hair color changes, shaving part of my head, wanting to make drastic change in diet, job etc...)

I kind of have a hunch that my mother is BPD (as my therapist pointed out) and my dad is BP. It seems to be a trend on his side of the family....there are people talking about his mom (my grandmother) having it, as well as my dads sister - they all act really typically BP..

My mother seems to always be up and down depending on people, very negative most of the time.. while i am almost always optimistic (except when i am set off...). we used to fight based on how i made her 'feel' and we all had to tip toe around her. My dad, was almost abusive at time, would 'rage out'.. I tend to act like the 2 of them combined, so perhaps i have inherited both :/ ??

The results are in. I am sure that I have both.....

Took a test for BPD on this site:


You scored a total of 35

33 & up= Severe


And for bipolar:

Bipolar Quiz




Bipolar disorder - Moderate to severe symptoms
Based upon your responses to this bipolar disorder quiz, you appear to be suffering from moderate to severe symptoms associated with a bipolar disorder. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder and have sought professional treatment for this disorder.

Some people who score in this range qualify instead for a diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder, which is characterized by periods or episodes of hypomanic mood (instead of a manic one).