i hate how easy it is for me to "jump the gun" on things... i have an above average tolerance for things but... when the moment goes wrong, its like, my fuse is so short my emotions escalate too high way too fast...

not like im doing anything bad, because more often than not im being reasonable... but the emotions still appear... and i just lose it... and get on this tangent line of thinking... cant stop thinking and thinking and thinking about it...

i mean... i didnt lose it badly this time... but when i do, its like a circus show, and i start hyperventilating, and maybe babbling... and then punching the air, and punching things, and i get all of this rage that makes me want to really hurt something...

worst of all?...

the next day or four, im living life like if it never happened... so stupid, so temporary, so irrational, so wow...

...

oooooooooooh well...

i can usually control it, or contain it so that i can let it out somewhere else... but im trying to break the chain to begin with because i know that by letting myself get used to that behavior, i make it easier for the next time... easier said than done but... thats why im here...

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first thread... whoo!...

[Takeshi]

I see a panic button and pressing it incessantly, is it like that?

Originally Posted by Takeshi

I see a panic button and pressing it incessantly, is it like that?

yeah kinda... i just grab my head down and start breathing really fast from my nose... usually i start to clench my jaw, i can hear that thundering sound i make with my ears (not sure how to describe it), and i have these spasm-like twitches where its like... im holding myself from hitting something... a lot of anger just steaming out...

sometimes i cry, still hyperventilating... but what happens all the time is that i have those thoughts repeating... just the same words, the same images... worst of all is when im being paranoid about something, where i visualize and hear the same thing over and over... and then after a while it slows down, then stops, then i forget about it... :P

[~Christina]

Can you identify the Trigger(s) thats causing you to come unglued?

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Can you identify the Trigger(s) thats causing you to come unglued?

mhmm... usually this happens when im arguing with someone i feel is being unreasonable... or when someone says something, i hear it one way... or when i think someone is saying/thinking something behind my back...

it gets bad enough that sometimes i cant tell if im actually being paranoid or not... because a lot of the times, i actually turn out to be right.... a lot of two-facing, backstabbing, lying, etc....

but for the most part, i can get past it... by seeing it as an outright lie my mind is telling me, by ignoring whatever they may have said and talking to someone about it, or by confronting them (positively more often than not)...

but sometimes, its like... no one wants to be reasonable, like they shut down their ears, and now im the enemy... so then i "break down"... sometimes, at least... this doesnt happen often... just enough for me to pay more attention to it to avoid it...

[~Christina]

Does this happen when your mood is unstable or is this a case by case reaction?

When my Bipolar is wobbling I have huge amount of irritation , I actively stay clear of hot buttons for me in that state of mind.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Does this happen when your mood is unstable or is this a case by case reaction?

When my Bipolar is wobbling I have huge amount of irritation , I actively stay clear of hot buttons for me in that state of mind.

i cant fully say but... i think the severity does definitely depend on where my mood is... usually, when i lose full control (like hyperventilating) its when im under high stress (school, people)...

but the thing is... i started getting this way today, and ive been very relaxed lately... problems here and there, like always, but definitely not like back then... so maybe thats why i didnt lose it this time...

but this doesnt happen any time other than when im provoked... i do get similar reactions about minor things, like not being able to find a pen or something silly... but not even nearly as bad as this...

EDIT: and yeah... i try to, but a lot of these things are just all in my face, so i can rarely avoid any of this...

[~Christina]

Yeah sometimes its just unavoidable..

I think it does help since you really are aware that you have this kind of struggle.. Lots of people have no self awareness and can't be proactive.

Hopefully life will play nice and you will get a break

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Yeah sometimes its just unavoidable..

I think it does help since you really are aware that you have this kind of struggle.. Lots of people have no self awareness and can't be proactive.

Hopefully life will play nice and you will get a break

thank u for ur words... it helps that u at least asked me these questions... felt reassuring somehow...

it helps, because i want to make sure that what im doing or saying isnt offending the people... but then it gets hard to deal with problems when no one wants to budge... no one wants to be honest... so then im left here without someone having the patience to either agree or show me where i am going wrong... so then i have to deal with it on my own, and then if i dont see any other possible reason, i start to get angry because i cant believe it doesnt make sense to them, and things escalate from there...

but what ive been seeing in the past couple of months now is tha maybe:

1. my self-awareness is making me controlling...
2. a little disorder isnt bad... meaning i cant settle the issue with them, so just let it be... and if it happens to physically affect me negatively, i can always channel my energy into finding a way to detach myself from the aftermath... meaning, i can shield myself and let them have at it...

[~Christina]

My self awareness use to be like 1.2% LOL

I learned lots of things about myself and in therapy that "helps" me think even for a second before I snap on someone. I tried to always do the 2 breathe rule before I respond.

I am probably about 85% now a days in general.. but when my Bipolar is wobbling, I have mass irritability that I have to deal with, its not always pretty.. I am glad that there is a backspace button for online stuff.. hahahah

Originally Posted by ~Christina

My self awareness use to be like 1.2% LOL

I learned lots of things about myself and in therapy that "helps" me think even for a second before I snap on someone. I tried to always do the 2 breathe rule before I respond.

I am probably about 85% now a days in general.. but when my Bipolar is wobbling, I have mass irritability that I have to deal with, its not always pretty.. I am glad that there is a backspace button for online stuff.. hahahah

i actually just started thinking about breathing techniques a while back lol... i forgot i was trying to do that though... sometimes i speak before thinking... then say things i could have easily prevented... so i figured breathing before reacting to something irritating would help... and i kinda have been improving but idk... hard to remember to breathe at times like those...
good thing is, i remember to breathe a lot when im really angry...

and yeah... hahaha... i agree wholeheartedly with all of that... unfortunately, i feel that too... :/

thank you for mentioning the breathing though... hoping to see where that takes me from here...

[Row Jimmy]

I go through the same exact thing. I take a mood stabilizer and try to live an "even" existence. I think it does help me but I still have my moments probably because I haven't yet learned how to deal with my triggers. That's next in my therapy, I suppose.