[tanto]

I've been having a hard time communicating with my new doc. The MI stigma is eating away at my heart. I also feel guilty for getting help when so many are undiagnosed... but then they're able to make it in life somehow....
Any time I open my mouth in his office my mind screams at me!

"REALLY? IS THAT ALL?? YOU'RE A PIECE OF **** YOU'RE FINE YOU'RE JUST BEING A ****** BABY"

As mean as my psyche is, at least it has confidence in me, I guess.

What makes this even harder is I have an irrationally negative disposition to anything that can even barley be reminiscent of Narcissus. I literally can't talk about myself without the screams

" ST*U YOU'RE WORTHLESS, YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES, YOU DESERVE *********"

I'm imploding.

I've had daily ideation (both the bad kinds) since I was 12
It doesn't go away

But I can't tell the doc!
Actually, until recently, I thought everyone on this planet had regular episodes of ideation....

At least it hasn't evolved into intent.

Doc, I'm not doing so good
But I'm not important, you know that?
Everyone has problems right?
Why should I be awarded with an excuse when others fight so hard for the good lives they have?

I have 5 more years until I turn the age I decided would be the latest I'd go without achievement... an age I decided long long ago.

Even writing in these forums is tasking.
I can go days without looking at replies or threads I make
Too afraid to confront myself, I'm such crap, after all.

How do you guys do it???
It's so hard for me. Inspiration is beyond me.
Ambition is out of my hands at this point.
But, seeing everyone here talk so openly and receptively gives me a little twinkle...

so please
throw some advice my way, while I am still receptive in this mood I have today,
before I can abandon myself, like always

[wiretwister]

just be honest with yourself , love yourself , forgive yourself .... all else will work it's self out ...

[Jensitive22]

Tanto, I identify completely with what you said in your post. I struggle with the same internal stigma issues. I can feel such self contempt and hatred for my lack of inner strength, my low self esteem, and my lack of confidence. My need for my mental illness to be validated is in strong conflict with a part of me that is in utter judgement of any form of neurosis or narcissism found in my personality.

I was diagnosed 6 years ago with BPII. Previously, I struggled with depression anxiety, and suicidal ideation, but I regarded those as part of the human condition and as challenges to be overcome while raising a family, going to college, and becoming a teacher. After my divorce in 2008 and my last child leaving for college, I dealt with the emotional fallout and being alone for the first time in almost 30 years. Divorced, empty nest syndrome, premenopausal.... Huge life changes!

In the Spring of 2009 I began dating. I hadn't been on a date since 1981! It was after my first sexual experience that I went a little crazy for about 6 months. It was like some one turned on a bright light in me. In my own mind I was like a butterfly that had shed the cocoon of her old life, and I imposed no moral structure or boundaries on my new life. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I eventually spun out of control, gave into a suicidal impulse, and ended up in the hospital. I was diagnosed and put on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant. Now I had to deal with the stigma of suicide, being officially labeled as mentally ill, getting used to a lot of medication, and trying to repair things with my family and my job.

Six years later, I am remarried, unemployed, unmedicated, and miserable. I am at the worst emotional place I have ever been in my whole life. I am absolutely stuck. Tremendous suicidal ideation barrels down on me at times. I have an appointment 9/28 at a mental health clinic, and I have no faith in my ability to effectively communicate my situation nor their ability to really help me. I'm 53, and I wish that God, in His infinite mercy, would just say enough and release me.

[vjdragonfly]

Maybe if you have trouble speaking to your pdoc, maybe sit down and write out your thoughts and give it to him/ her to read, just a thought. You are not worthless and not everyone deals with what you do on a daily basis, bp is not an excuse, it is a medical condition that can be treated, but you have to let them help you. Therapy done wonders for me and I know how hard it is to speak what demons that inhabit our brains. To say them out loud is having to realize that it is a reality, BUT once you do you can come to terms with your illness. You can learn and grow and find some peace, maybe not all the time but it can come. I totally agree with wiretwister, be gentle on yourself, your life is precious not just to you, but those that love you. Find something or someone that you can make a priority in your life and just remind yourself that you can get through whatever just for them. It helps me when I want to give up/ in.

[HeavyMetalLover]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

just be honest with yourself , love yourself , forgive yourself .... all else will work it's self out ...

So good to see you n the forums tonight, Tigger!

[token451]

I felt like this at my last t appointment. I barely said ten sentences because why the **** was I there? to complain? I feel you on this one. I wanted to hit her when she said the age old adage of seeking help is showing strength. a few years ago, I was amazed when my friend who had taken a near year hiatus from everyone she new before she was assaulted said she never had ideation. I really don't even want to go back to this t, I almost broke **** in her office I was so bad that day. how do you even explain that? 'btw, sorry I really wanted to break your **** and punch your face in last week? It was an off day....?'

[pjcjr77]

Wow, I have to say that you have captured what my inner dialogue is quite frequently. Are you living in my head?

Since all we've ever known is a world where wishing we no longer existed on a daily basis is part of everyday life, we see it as "normal". Everyone deals with this, right? It's funny, on an intellectual level I've known for most of my life that most likely wasn't true, that I wasn't quite "normal". But hey, what's the big deal!

It's very strange to actually speak, out loud, the thoughts that pervade our mind. That sense of shame is so strong. I feel like a dumb whiney baby half the time.

Even in these forums I feel like my issues ("my issues" is really my euphemism for mental illness....I don't think I've ever said out loud to any to anyone that I'm mentally ill) are so minor. That even discussing them would be a waste of anyone's time.

You certainly aren't alone.

Sent from my XT1093 using Tapatalk

[jules77]

hey there
i'm also familiar with some of those thoughts, thinking 'what's the point in even saying anything, there's no way out, they'll just think i'm dumb and attention seeking'....it held me back in therapy for a while and it still does with my family
i think sometimes that my therapist already has so many clients with issues that why would she want to deal with mine?? or how could she have the energy to deal with me? -- so i must just minimize it all.
with family, i wonder how much my mom's already dealing with. it causes guilt and shame inside of me (fueled by that stigma you mentioned)....sometimes it hurts so much i just HAVE to force it all out, write it down, like others have mentioned, sometimes even preface the conversation with 'i feel worthless saying all of this, you have to know that i feel that way, but here it all is....'
it's so hard. i know these feelings well, and it really is that annoying saying that i gets better with practice, over time, doing it again and again. true to some degree, but you ARE valid in what you're saying. i'm wishing you luck always.

Originally Posted by wiretwister

just be honest with yourself , love yourself , forgive yourself .... all else will work it's self out ...

this right here!... nobel peace prize quality advice...

[Coffeelover1920]

Do you feel comfortable with your doctor? I think that the amount of comfort you have with your doctor makes a lot of difference in regards to being honest with them about the things you are feeling and enables you to get the help you deserve.

I know I was seeing a doctor that I didn't feel comfortable with and due to that I switched to another doctor. I really liked him and have been with him for 7 years or so. He's very kind and he takes the effort to talk to me about some of the issues I am having and tries to help me come up with ways to deal with those things. His session aren't as extensive as a therapist (to be expected) but he takes the time to discuss things with me which is always nice because the other psychiatrist I was seeing was not like that.