I don't wish bipolar on anyone

It's truly crippling. Sometimes I am surprised that I still have a job as I've been taken time off work a few times this year's it's a constant cycle every year. Up and down. Up and down.

It's absolute hell. Although mania truly feels like you are enlightened in life, the crash is hard and I often feel embarrassed from it.

At the moment I don't know who I am. I thought I was me during the summer. Now I don't have a clue. I am trying to find myself during this depressive episode.

The only good thing about being depressed is being able to actually reply and post on this forum and making more sense.

The bad thing is feeling numb and listening to my head telling me to punch and cut myself. I punched my leg to feel and I didn't feel much tbh. It's pretty ******.

But otherwise I feel alone and wanting to be alone. All I want to do is sleep. That's the only thing I look forward to because I don't feel a thing during sleep. Music and drawing helps me a lot at the moment and walks. Has anyone tried to find themselves in this episode before?

I feel so alone

You're not alone. You can PM me anytime you want if you need someone to talk to.
I crashed earlier this summer from a hypo episode. It was the worst I've felt in years. I felt like giving up at points. I tried to sleep it off, but I would wake up feeling like s*** and be miserable. I felt alone, but I found some comfort in coming to this forum because I met people who felt the same things I felt and had experiences similar to mine.
It does get better, it's so hard to see right now. The waiting is the hardest part. But definitely know you are not alone in this experience.
Coming out of the depression and looking back at my behavior from the manic episode this summer has me reflecting on life like I never have before. So I guess in that sense I am trying to find myself.
Please take care of yourself and I hope you feel better sooner rather than later.

I get that really bad numbness too. My therapist said when I feel that way I need to wrap my arms across my body like a hug, especially when I'm alone or feel alone. I'm supposed to do this to reduce anxiety and anger to prevent self-harm. I tend to punch myself in the head.... it's not good...

You're not alone. There's lots of us out here who have been through hard times, too.

I'm sorry. I'm with you on the numbness thing. This episode has been going on since January and the mania crashed I think in June. The depression got severe in early August and 2 months (and one IP stay) later I'm maxed out on all my meds, cannot add another AD because I'm on an MAOI and you can't take other ADs with it, and can no longer imagine not feeling horrible. I've had one or two things improve minutely in the last 10 days since my dose of AD was raised but not enough to make me feel better for more than 1 minute and not enough to help me not want to sleep all the time. Sleep is the only thing that gets me away from feeling bad but I'm doing way too much of it. I don't even know if I'm sleeping because I'm so depressed (my guess) or if my usually very stimulating AD is having a paradoxical reaction for some reason and making me tired. I'm terrified that it's the depression and the AD isn't helping because changing is a huge can of worms and there's not much to change to anyway--no more ADs except other MAOIs and I can't afford them. I still haven't heard if they'd accept me for ECT and while I'll do that I just want the decision made and the process started. But I can't even tell what's going on in my own head.

So I'm sorry you feel so bad. I'm with you.

BlackRoses I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right now. I'm glad you have come here for some support. Like Gina said, you are not alone there is always somebody here to listen. I know a response sometimes takes a little while, but we are here. Are you on any meds? Do you have a pdoc? If you do it would be a good time to put a call into him/her. I can relate to wanting to "dig a hole and stay in it". Depression is really hard to handle and to see that you WILL come out on the other side. Meanwhile be gentle with yourself. Maybe right now is not so much the time to go soul searching. Just taking care of yourself right now is the best thing to focus on. If things get bad enough, please seek professional help. I hope you depression passes soon.

yesssssssssssss

totally

yes

You are SO not alone! You described me completely! I was insanely manic/psychotic this summer and I have recently crashed super hard and fast. I agree that I post a lot more and am more active on here when I'm depressed. Sleep is my escape too. I feel happy in my sleep. I never feel happy otherwise. And what you said that really resonated with me was how you don't know who you are...yes yes yes! I have no idea what my "normal" is...I'm always either manic or depressed. I don't know what it's like to feel even keel.

I have had that deep deep side really wanting it to just end ... anyway you can ... in one way your lucky ... I am stable now but have never had that manic high ... or really any high ...

you are not alone ... it's not important how "bad" it is for anyone of us ... it is important that we are here for each other ... post or pm till it centers you ... reach out and we will be here ...

Right there with you. You aren't alone.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please remember that you are NOT alone with this. There are many people here that know exactly where you are coming from and want nothing more then to help you make it through this difficult time. Post, post, post, we are here with you.

Thank you

Thank you. I am trying very hard atm

My care coordinator told me to hold ice on my hands if I ever feel like self harming. I haven't tried it yet but I've tried to throw light stuff across my room to prevent making any damage to my room. I am with my friends now which is a good distraction

Thanks rainy

Of course I'll pm you and sorry for the late reply I still feel depressed