Timeline

2004 diagnosed, medicated, tests, hospitals etc.

2005 first locked ward. Started dissociating, extreme anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks etc

2008 bad accident that left me unable to breathe correctly and with chronic pain and unable to go bavk to that line of work

2008-2010 many hospital admissions including locked wards , med change etc

2010-2014 stable

2014 suicidal pmdd symptoms, mirena, long mixed episode, hospital admissions, a lot of pain. Dissociating and high anxiety

2015 mirena out, accident pain finally treated ( was missed and told it was ib ny head) can breathe again for the first time in years.

Starting to come back from long term seeminly constant dissociation. Confused.

Therr is more but this is brief.

Insight?

Confused about the mishmash of symptoms and how to now deal with trying to come back to my body now it doesnt hurt so bad.

I don't have much insight here. I just want to send my love and let you know that I am thinking of you and I hope that it becomes easier soon.

Could there be more PTSD symptoms affecting me than BP?

I think so. I sometimes find it hard to sort out what is PTSD and what is bipolar. PTSD usually is the cause of unbearable anxiety and repetitious thoughts about the thing causing anxiety. But sometimes it causes low-level, all the time anxiety that is harder to sort out. It used to be a little more clear; I did some very intensive PTSD treatment a few years ago and now it hangs out in the background most of the time. But then something happens and there it is again (like in the hospital, I'd been in the emergency room for 29 hours waiting for a bed and they brought in a big man who was screaming and swearing and fighting and it frightened me. He was next door to me so I heard it all. And I cried and curled up in absolute terror even though he physically couldn't get to me because it just reminded me too much of my past. Something about what he said and how he was saying it and the tone/quality of his voice. I was begging for klonopin and they wouldn't give it because I was going upstairs. Where it took many hours for the anxiety to recede.

PTSD also makes me repeat thoughts over and over again. Lots of "what if" kind of stuff that I'll be unable to get out of my head. I've actually had therapy focused on teaching me to respond to "what if" with the thought "not allowed to say what if" and then the need to re-phrase. This doesn't always work but it does keep me a little more aware of what I am thinking.

But certainly your history could cause trauma. I think most of ours can in the battle to get diagnosed and properly treated, even if there isn't anything else that could cause it.

Thankyou.

Yes the anxiety this time round has been awful. I tend to not take prn meds until crisis point, so I am constantly getting worked into a state from everything from intrusive violent thoughts to going for a walk outside!

I do practice CBT when I catch the thoughts, but the major thought that I cannot challenge is that I am going to go crazy and they are going to put me in a locked ward again. That no one will be able to handle how bad my episodes and I am going to end up back in that place - or somewhere worse. And have those people do those things again.

I guess thats why I am dissociating so much right now, because if I be me, that is someone very distressed right now. It doesnt feel safe to be that person.

Thank you for saying that. That is how I've been feeling as well and I have not been able to explain it well to my therapist. I may steal your phrasing Thursday. I'm not dissociating, just scared that mental illness is going to burst out of me uncontrolled, like a volcano erupting because I am holding so much back and keeping it inside because emotions do not feel safe. I finally got that much across today and that was a big step for us. I don't know why it's all so hard to say but it is. I think I'm afraid I'll be lost in the illness completely if I let up my guard and that's probably not true.

Again, thanks for your wording. I needed the help.

Im not sure I am using dissociation correctly either, but I didnt know what name to give the feeling. I have never been told I am but I have experienced something similar.

Im questioning everything right now.

I know I have all these symptoms and I just want a solution.

Anxiety is beyond ridiculous. Im CBT-ing but the thought I am going to be too much/too hard/locked up is making me feel seriously ill.

Wow, you've really been through a lot. I don't really know what to say, but I've had my own ride on the "crazy train" as it were and it's horrible. I hope you can find some inner peace, you don't deserve to be living in this hell.

Thats just a brief outline in the hope i can figure out my symptoms and how to cope now.

I find it very hard to look after myself right now

When do you just accept youre broken and give up all toghether?

For me it is a cross between now, when no treatment helps and I have so many scary negative feelings and this has gone on so long, to after I have tried the last few options I've got. I try not to think about what happens if these options don't work but it's pretty hard to ignore that little concern.

I know I feel like giving up now and I can't. For me the one thing that keeps me from giving up is that I have a niece who loves me dearly and I don't want her to think I gave up or didn't try. I want her to see me as fighting this and that I will not hurt her with my disorder. I can't bear the thought that I could do that and if I give up and stop trying I will.

So massive relief finding out that in a month or so the mental health system is changing and they cant throw me in the back of a cop car when ever they want now. Thats taken w huge amount of anxiety away, not a single panic attack since i found out. I feel safe they cant do that to me again and theyve acknowledged the damage they have done