[wildflowerchild25]

Ugh. Just ugh. I had two days last week of feeling better, maybe even a touch hypo, but it was a fluke. I slid right back into this wretchedly dark depression. Now it's been almost three weeks. Which I know is like nothing compared to some of you. So I really shouldn't even be saying anything.

I'm sooooo far down though. Omg I feel like I can't even get off the couch when I get home. I felt like I couldn't even open my eyes this afternoon. Work drains the life out of me. And I'm not even working that much because basically all I can accomplish is throwing a vocab worksheet at the kids and sitting behind my desk, staring into space. I stare in the direction of my computer so it looks like I'm busy but I don't do anything. I feel awful. I hate being like this. My work suffers and my home life suffers.

I'm supposed to go to a concert tomorrow and I want absolutely nothing to do with it. It's my favorite band and I should be super excited but I just want to go home and sleep tomorrow, not be out all night at a concert. But I can't back out; my brother bought me the ticket back in June to cheer me up after my husband died. We've been looking forward to this for months. I bet once I get there it will be great and I'll have a good time. I hope so anyway.

I just started Effexor 37.5mg a week ago. It still has a chance to work. I'll probably go up to 75 on Wednesday when I see pdoc again. I'm holding out hope that it will work at least a little bit. Because my only other option is ect again and I just don't even know how that would work. I'd have to take another month off work, I'd have to somehow arrange transportation again, I'd have to lose my memory and my brain function again. I so didn't want this to go this way. Last time I had it it lasted for six years. Now I can't even get a full year out of it?

Of course circumstances are different. I know I'm being triggered by the season/time change. And majorly triggered because Christmas stuff is out. I can't even imagine facing thanksgiving and Christmas without my husband. Especially Christmas. He loved Christmas. He took such joy in bringing joy to other people. It's so ****ed up that he won't be here to celebrate anymore. So ****ed up.

Sigh...I just needed to get that out. I hope everyone else is doing well. I know there are some here suffering way more than me right now. Hugs to all of you.

[Victoria'smom]

I hope the effexor kicks in fast. I couldn't imagine the holidays without S O. It's so ****ed up you have to deal with this. I hope you do give the concert a chance to cheer you up.

[jacky8807]

Hey just wanted to let you know I started slipping down into depression...started to get bad. But my effexor kicked in all of a sudden. I woke up today like boom! Total change...so hope it works for you!

[BleakGeek]

I feel so bad for you! I can't imagine what you're going through! I hope things get better for you. Do you have someone to help you with your son while you get through this? I will send prayers your way!

[Fuzzybear]

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Please keep talking here as much as you need to and don't feel guilty about it. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I found Effexor really helpful in the past. I liked it when I wasn't on mood stabilizers although it wasn't good for me then and I liked it again with mood stabilizers but had to quit because of an interaction with another med. I hope that as you get your dose up some it will kick in for you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, even making yourself get out and try to have fun (which I am never good about when I feel bad for any reason) and that takes so much strength. I admire you for doing everything you have been doing while grieving and caring for a young child and bipolar disorder. You have so much to deal with and you are doing it when so many people would have just stopped trying. You are so strong.

[Pastel Kitten]

You're going through so much right now. Please don't feel bad for venting about it. I think it's a very good thing you did. I'm so sorry things are so tough for you. If you ever need to vent about similar things (or anything at all really) please don't hesitate to do so. Do what you need to do to feel better. Stay strong.

[WibblyWobbly]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I've been on Effexor 3 times and every time it kicked in at 2 weeks, so fingers crossed. I actually start at 75mg. My therapeutic dose is 150mg, so you still have room to go up. Hang in there and believe that things will get better.

[Edgar's Mom]

(((((((((HUG))))))))))

I can't begin to tell you how much I admire you. I'm a little in awe of your strength and if you need to come on here and share how you feel, I hope you always will without feeling guilty. I can't imagine getting up and going to work every day feeling depressed, and I don't know how you do that, let alone teach!

You manage to sit in a classroom full of children, and pull that off every day??!! That, from what I hear, is extremely difficult and draining for people who don't have mental health issues. And on top of that you are parenting and grieving a very recent loss.

Cut yourself some slack!!!!! I mean that in the kindest way. What you are going through and dealing with is much, much more than most people will have to deal with at once.

(((((((((((( another BIG HUG))))))))))))))

I agree with what everyone has said. You are a very strong person. Very strong.

[LettinG0]

Hey Wildflowerchild.

I am so glad you checked in. Been wondering how you are doing.

I am so sorry things are so dang hard right now and the depression is so bad....

I agree with what everyone has said...you are super strong, vent as often as you would like, and I hope the meds kick in soon.........HUGS

[Unrigged64072835]

So sorry to hear about your loss, and trying to keep everything going when you're feeling like you're slipping into a pit.

I was in your shoes a long time back. My second husband committed suicide before Christmas and it was painful for a while. I still have trouble around this time of year.

I would encourage you to stay strong but also to know when enough is enough. Self-care is critical right now, so even if it means missing teaching to recover do it. You can't give from an empty tank, as my t would put it.

[cashart10]

I know everyone has already said it, but your strength amazes me. And your kindness amazes me and I think you are beautiful both inside and out. I hope you have a blast at that concert! You deserve it more than anyone I know!

Much love!

[wildflowerchild25]

I started out yesterday feeling awful but gradually felt better as the day went on. I got up to a four on the scale. That's better than what I was feeling. The concert was fun for sure. It wasn't as fun as it could have been but it was much better than sitting at home staring at a wall. So that's good.

Today I feel the same, slightly better. Not so heavy. So maybe the tide is turning for real this time.

As always thanks for all the encouragement everyone. It keeps me going when I am feeling so down.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs wildflower!

I hope the effexor helps. I was on it for only three days in the past and stopped because it gave me really intense homicidal and suicidal thoughts and made me ultra rapid cycle. Got off of that fast!

[avlady]

i also agree with everyone else. you are strong, i often worry what i would do if my husband passed away, i'd be stuck in a rut and depressed too. i'm happy you have meds to help you too. good luck

[wildflowerchild25]

The more I look around, the more I realize this is as much situational as it is chemical, and probably even more so. I was ok today, not great but ok, but when it got dark at five I plunged into depression. And now that it is after Halloween, Christmas will be everywhere around me. So honestly I will be surprised if I feel better for any length of time before the first of the year.

My mom talked about getting away for Christmas, just going somewhere like Massachusetts where my great aunt lives or something, just so we don't have to be here and feel the ache of that emptiness even more. I wish we could. Unfortunately my mother in law will be coming up from Tennessee, and I can't be out of state when she comes to see her grandson. But we have to do something different. I can't stand thinking about doing the same old routine that we would were my husband alive. It has to be different.

In other news my father In law now believes that I have "sided against" him and that I hate him and am lying to him about my depression just so I don't have to talk to him. And you know what, now I'm not going to. I don't have time for this petty attention grabbing ********. I'm an adult. I act like one. He acts like a child in a grown man's body. It's no wonder my husband didn't even talk to him much when he was alive.

Btw it's impossible to explain the backstory in that, just know that he is a difficult man to deal with and not good for my son to be around right now.

But even so I was feeling incrementally better - if I can stay mildly depressed I won't mind it as much. I can still be mostly functional if it is only mild. And like I said, Effexor may help even though it's situational. And thankfully I have a good therapist who I am able to see once a week. That's the most I've ever seen a therapist. I'm glad I switched from my clinic.

[wildflowerchild25]

Side note: I took a shower for the first time in a week.

Other side note: my mom and I are thinking of spending Christmas at my grandparents' house. I think that will be nice, to wake up somewhere other tha. This house and just do something different.

[Edgar's Mom]

If you really want something different you could go somewhere tropical...

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[gina_re]

I'm a little late jumping into this this...but wow. The fact that you were still able to get up and teach of all things (maybe not the way your normally would, but still!) is amazing. As everyone else else says, you definitely are stronger than you think. But I think we all doubt ourselves at one point or another, so it's understandable. As far as Xmas is concerned, I really do feel your pain. On Christmas day, 2013 my best friend, my grandmother, passed away. I was never really excited about Christmas to begin with, but now it really is difficult. So yeah seeing Christmas decorations everywhere is a bit much for me. And I can't ever go back over to my aunts house again, it's where she took her last breath. Anyway, I know we have too different situations, but I'm right there with you. I'm glad you're feeling better though. And I think spending Christmas somewhere else is a great idea. Feel better and please take care.

[wildflowerchild25]

I left work early yesterday and stayed home today. My anxiety was crippling. I feel like such a failure. At everything. My students aren't learning anything. I come home, my house is a mess, I clean it but nothing changes. The depression has definitely lifted because I don't feel as heavy but I still feel pretty terrible. Now it's taking the form of severe anxiety. My therapist last night suggested I try to confront the fear by doing worst case scenarios in my head. Like play out the worst case scenario and plan how I would react to it so that it won't seem as scary. I actually do that already. I don't know if it will help or not but I'm willing to try.

This is just my life. Nothing will make it any better. I just have to keep living and breathing and maybe someday something will change.

[Unrigged64072835]

You're NOT a failure. Good grief, with all that you have going on it's amazing that you still keep going.

Don't beat yourself up for having to keep living with the situation you're in. Sometimes just being is the best you do.

[Edgar's Mom]

Oh Wildflower, you are not a failure at all! You are an incredibly brave woman doing her best in the worst circumstances. You have so much to deal with right now and you are doing an amazing job.

((((((((((Hug)))))))))))

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