Rainy day + period + feeling soooo depressed = do nothing all day

I have hardly gotten off of the couch today...only for absolute necessity. While I've had plenty of days, seasons, of this in my life, I feel so disappointed about it today. My therapist challenged me to do 15 minutes a day of something I needed to do and 15 minutes a day of something I wanted to do. Day 1 and I didn't even do it. I felt like I couldn't. I feel like I can't do anything. Yesterday I felt so motivated; today I feel like I want to die. I just don't understand. Does anyone else understand and want to explain it to me? I feel like a dying slug.

Did you start the clozaril yet?

I totally understand. I know you don't want to get up, but can you do 5 minutes of something you normally enjoy? Do you like coloring? That's easy because you can do it while you're sitting in the couch.

I understand. I'm having another do nothing night.

No. I got the first round of blood work done. I confirmed that the results were faxed to my pdoc but he is out of the office until Monday. However, he is still checking in and was supposed to review and take care of it yesterday and then give me a call. He never did. I have no idea when it will happen and I am losing faith in him. It could be like my mother says and "why don't you just not worry about that new complicated medicine, you SEEM to be so much better." Yeah, mom, because I'm not breaking down crying on the phone to you I'm better? I think not. And, I want to be on Haldol for the rest of my life? I think not. Sorry to sound *****y, just in one of those moods.

Thank you! Well, I called my husband and explained my husband my mood and asked if he would be upset if the house is a wreck when he got home (he is working very late). He asked me how that would be fair and his answer was a resounding no. So, I spent the last 2 1/2 hours straightening, cleaning, and folding laundry. Do I feel better for getting things done? No, I feel about the same and I feel exhausted. But, at least I did get something done. Hopefully tomorrow I can be a bit more focused. The coloring idea is a great one. Thanks again!

You know, I read this and just thought that this is fairly normal. Not just for bipolar, but fairly normal. I know I had times I had PMS that I was not able to do anything because I just didn't feel like it. And I know that's true for other women who do not have bipolar. Before my hysterectomy I remember thinking "this is the last time I will ever have to deal with PMS". Some people think menopause is as bad or worse but emotionally it never affected me.

Feeling like you want to die is of course not so normal but feeling like you just can't do anything is completely normal.Feeling bad because you can't do what your therapist asked is understandable but you've got lots of days to do it. As my therapist made me memorize when I first knew him "do what you can do as you can do it". and really that's all we can do it in life.

I do think you need to give your pdoc a swift kick. Hard. He isn't listening to you, he isn't helping you, and he has dramatically delayed starting a med that is supposed to change your life (while ignoring the interaction and recommended starting guidelines). Kind of ridiculous....

Hope this evening feels a bit better.

Have you tried deep breathing exercises?
Yeah.... Haldol forever (oops! I meant Haldol ever) is a great plan! (insert sarcasm).

I have less severe depressed days, but often staying in bed, lack of motivation, preferring the idea of death.
And then days when I dread doing the maintenance activities of life, but I do get up and try for a while and then give up.
And, every now and then, a much more productive interest in life.
Way different meds and different diagnoses, though.

Wall-E- "Day at work" (very short clip):

... .

i'm sorry you didn't have such a good day today.

i hope that it gets better for you..

Sometimes pms can put me in a huge depression for a week like to the point if suicidal. Maybe it will subside in a few days. *hugs*

Not to mention the weather where we live yesterday sucked! I wanted to just stay in bed all day!

Sorry you're not feeling well. I'm in the same boat with no interest in anything and just want to stay in bed all day. Hope you can get on your med soon. Maybe a good day to take a bubble bath or something else that is pampering.

I hope you feel better and your husband can be more understanding of your situation and

Don't be hard on yourself if you didn't do it. Accept and move forward.

Periods suck anyway. I had to work when mine started and I just wanted to crawl in a ball and sleep. If I'm not working I like to not do anything but watch tv and eat first 24 hrs.

Cashart I'm so sorry your feeling this way. It's so hard when the loved ones around us have expectations also. I understand you wanting to spend the day in bed or on the couch, it's all I ever want to do anymore, but at least I'm not mixed so should be happy enuf about that. I know you have been having a really rough time recently & yeh your pdoc sounds like he's not really understanding the gravity of the situation. I too understand this as my pdoc often blows things off if I'm not in active crisis he thinks it's all good. Hugs to you.

Thank you love! You are absolutely right; everyone does have days like those! Even when I am very well, I can still get PMS from hell and I can remember my mom getting it as I was growing. As I got older, she would even warn me. I am seeing a pattern developing though and am just hoping it does not equal ANOTHER depression. Sorry for the shouting (caps) but I am done, ha! I have spent the last two days off of the couch as I had no choice. Yesterday I had Tday lunch with my son at school and today was an all day shopping trip that my mother all but forced upon me (I ended up SOOOO grateful I went though because I laughed much and that was some very good medicine!). Anyway, we shall see!

As the week progressed I did *better* on my therapist's assignment. I am getting there and I think she will appreciate that. Thank you for passing along such sound advice!

My pdoc really is ridiculous! I still haven't heard from him!!! His office called me on Wed or Thurs after I left another msg and they asked if I had heard from him yet. When I said no they said they would relay another message. Still no call. I see him on Tues though. We will certainly have a talk. What was even the point of the blood work if he isn't going to get it started? My husband says it really seems like he cares about you if you are very unwell and he can't even give you the call he offers. I'm feeling frustrated about it.

I'm glad you had a day of laughter.

I know so well the fear of falling back into a place you've just left. It is horrible. This whole year I've been fighting with that and then wondering if I had just fought harder if I would have prevented another round of depression or mania, even though I know it has to go completely away before I'm not going to keep cycling. I think that's been the hardest part of this year because it has been the part most like before I was diagnosed and early on and I keep wondering if I have gained anything in 13 years. I know I have but it sure doesn't feel like it some days.

Are you able to get back on that other dr's list for a 2nd opinion? Your dr is neglecting you. You went in saying you thought you needed hospitalization 2 weeks ago (3?) and he disagreed which is a bad thing to begin with because how does he know that for sure? My dr is hospitalization cautious but would never, ever tell me she knew better than I did if I said I should be there. Then he is telling you to start clozaril totally differently than clozaril says to start it and with an interaction considered major by the interaction checkers. Then he delays starting it for weeks by not returning your calls or simply letting you know the labs were in place. This is NOT good care. You said in another thread that he keeps you out of the hospital. That's good when you are getting actual care but if he isn't going to treat you you should have been where you could get care weeks ago. My pdoc has had numerous times she could have hospitalized me and didn't and even times my therapist wanted me IP and she disagreed. But she never, ever would leave me hanging about a treatment that she was deeming an alternative to IP and which she decided to use when I was saying I was very unwell and thought I needed IP but my family thought otherwise. There is so much wrong in that...Even when my pdoc was going through chemo and radiation and wasn't working every day and wasn't feeling great when she was working she would NEVER have done this to me. I offered to change drs because I knew I would be a burden during the months of her treatment and she said no and kept me but I'd just started the MAOI and needed various adjustments over the first few months and she kept up with all of them, on time. Sometimes now I have to wait b/c she doesn't do patients every day but even so when it is serious I'll hear back. The last time I emailed her for a dose change I heard back as she was boarding a plane that night. And she didn't just change the med, she asked about the details of something I said was really upsetting me. When I see her Monday she'll remember that too.

I kind of think sometimes that you are so used to your pdoc being bizarre (that's the only word I can think of for overmedicated to off nearly all meds cold turkey to back on some meds to ignoring your statement about hospitalization to clozaril without complying with the directions or warnings to then just ignoring you period for weeks while you sit at home feeling horrible) that you don't know it can be so different. I know you had another pdoc before but you've mostly had this guy and he just isn't meeting a minimum standard of care.

I am so frustrated at your dr because I know what mine does and how different it is and I want you to have what I do. I know you feel loyal to him and your family does too but what he's doing makes no sense and if you saw another dr for a while you'd feel loyal to him/her too and you would lose the bizareness.

I'm probably overly passionate here and I'm sorry for that. I worked in healthcare long enough to see some truly horrible drs and some of them convinced their patients that they were wonderful and then turned around and provided bad care. And I couldn't do anything. It was so frustrating. One physician was a huge factor in my leaving one job because he was diagnosing people with things like cancer without doing any tests and then not treating their symptoms and they died when they could easily have had something very treatable if they'd just had a minor test or two. I couldn't stand to see him more or less kill people anymore. Another one I remember was an orthopedist who I think accidentally cut a nerve during surgery. It's a risk of surgery and the patient wouldn't even have been upset. But she did want to know why things looked weird and why her recovery was only partial and didn't make any sense (not like I could say "um, I think you don't have a complete nerve anymore".) He wouldn't return my calls and I was worried we were going to harm her by being aggressive so I wrote an order to stop treatment pending consult with ortho. Normally an ortho would take that very seriously since the rehab thing was my expertise and therapists don't send patients in early often. This ortho REFUSED to see the patient and just sent back orders for me to treat. I had quite a conversation with his nurse (I couldn't say what I thought was wrong) and the patient finally called herself and refused to get off the phone without an appointment but that was pretty much a bad dr trying to not have to tell a patient that he made a mistake. There were others but it made me passionate about poor patient care and that is what you've got. Inconsistency that leads to poor care.

And I've said way too much and I'm sorry. I just can't stand to have you go through this more. There is no good reason; if he can't work he needs coverage. One thing my therapist and pdoc both do is that there are people that know a little about me so if either of them is unable to see me there is back-up who are familiar. Nobody should not be taking your calls......

Shutting up now. Sorry for the rant.

I like rain. It makes me happy.

No problem for the rant. I appreciate your concern and kindness. I know what you are saying and realize I see things in my pdoc that many of you don't. The only other available pdoc right now (thanks to medicaid) is so busy, he is backed up for months. I could get in, I'm sure, but would once again have to wait months. Plus, he only sees patients ever 6 weeks or more and hardly "fits" in patients. I am used to every 2 to 4 weeks and feel as though, with my illness, I need that frequency. I do see my pdoc on Tues, btw so we shall see.

There is one other option. That is a christian pdoc in my christian t's office that she keeps recommending to me. However, she takes no insurance. I have to find out if she will work on a sliding scale and if she does, I have to find out what that is because we truly cannot afford much. I am embarrassed to leave a message and have the office know I am the one asking and every time I call I get the office VM. I am going to try again tomorrow though. That would be such a blessing.

I used to go to a Christian pdoc in ur town who didn't take insurance but not sliding scale. She was amazing though

It is very hard to ask for sliding scale. I was on it for many years at my therapist's while I was working and making decent money because my insurance didn't cover them and I really needed (needed not being an exaggeration, I had some bad experiences that were traumatic) a Christian therapist. But I always paid about half the price.

When I applied for SSDI I had no income at all and my therapist offered to lower his rate as low as he could. It wound up that he gave up his fee and I pay a smallish amount for the use of the office and staff. He hasn't made money for treating me in years and he often sees me twice a week.

I still feel bad about this but he says he doesn't even think about it and that it is what Christians are supposed to do. Asking him to do what he had offered to do and go to that extremely low fee was really hard but it was the only way I could keep seeing him (or at that time anyone).

It's hard but you won't be the first to ask nor the last and hopefully they'll have a program set up. The Chrisitan agency I go to (no pdoc) has a 3 step assistance program and then my exception to that which is really between me and my therapist rather than the agency.

I'm sorry for being somewhat harsh about your dr. I just hate that you have so much weirdness from him. And I know how hard it can be to want to let go of a provider. My prior therapist wasn't really helping me much at all and I would never admit that to myself until she was gone and within just a few weeks the current one was actually making me work on changing my reactions and behaviors. The first one I think just didn't know what to do with me and did her best but her very best would have been referring me to the current therapist months before since he had more experience and training with bipolar.

None of this ever is easy.....I'm preparing to beg for financial assistance if I am hospitalized again as I can barely afford the payment plan for the last hospitalization plus a few hundred dollars left from my surgery last year. I can only pay the minimum which means my psych bills are just piling up and another hospitalization puts me at 10% of my income going to the hospital before anything else. Which isn't possible. I dread it but it's probably coming so I'm getting ready. When I was uninsured waiting for Medicare they provided all my care--including my hysterectomy and 3 days in the hospital with that--for free. It's harder to ask now that I have Medicare and "should" be able to pay...

Ugh. Money.

Well, I went to my pdoc appt yesterday and I wasn't hard on him at all. I'm such a big sissy. He gave me my blood work which I was supposedly going to take to my pharmacist along with my prescription and all will be well. It would have been. EXCEPT, the blood work had to be less than one week old to be applicable. Thanks Dr. S! I called him and told him I needed a new script for blood work and the reason why. His office called me back after speaking with him and said Dr. S had wanted to know why I couldn't just use the script I already had. Well, folks, I already explained that to you. Thank you. Also, the pharmasist said she would have to call him anyway as he forgot to put the quantity. Maybe he thought it was a given on this med, I don't know.

I also, out of curiosity, asked for my diagnostic code. My previous pdoc labeled me Bipolar 1, severe, with psychotic features. My current pdoc, who has known me AND seen my illness since I was 15 years old, has labled me Bipolar Disorder, unspecified. What is the difference? Is one newer than the other? Is one lazier than the other? I am curious. I know the first diagnosis is correct, I just don't know why there is not more specification there. He does hand written notes as opposed to my previous pdoc whose notes were all electronic.

I still have not found out if this new, potential pdoc accepts a sliding scale. I am embarrassed and every time I have tried to call I get a vm. I don't want to leave that message letting them know who I am. They are now already out of the office for tday.

Hi, I do understand these feelings. I have also been there and understand the disappointment, all I could do is wait it out and maybe change my medications
And then wait two weeks and see if that helps. In the meantime it can be sheer hell and I hope you know your really truly not alone.

P.M.S is really difficult to deal with I often miss work and sleep,
I often get really really tired and cannot do anything; or want to do anything

In this your also not alone

Well, I do have some good news. I asked my pdoc about clozaril and abilify and on her interaction tracker it is moderate. The risk is if you process abilify slowly then you will have increased abilify levels in your blood. But she has a patient on clozaril and abilify and he's been on it for a while (started the add-on abilify in the hospital) and has been fine.

She said typically they do go up very slowly and the highest they usually start is 25 mg. Then she made sure I understood I'll be starting low and going up slowly. In fact I'll be leaving the hospital before I'm on enough to be feeling very good probably. (Hopefully the hail Mary lithium will prevent this but so far nothing has changed and I know that 225 mg of lithium is being asked to do a whole lot).

I know diagnosis can vary over time and I think some clinicians don't like to be nailed down so they use NOS but mostly I think it is avoid having to keep up with the bipolar state as it changes. My pdoc changes mine based on where I am and that is how the coding is supposed to work. Like typically my diagnosis is bipolar I, mixed, severe. Right now it is bipolar I, depressed, severe which I've never seen on my paperwork before. It should also have with psychotic features but I haven't shared that lately; I'm paranoid about my paranoia . The specifiers like psychosis, depression, mixed, manic are supposed to be changed depending on where you are the day you are being assessed. Using the BP, NOS code is probably a lazy way to not have to re-code every time. If you had private insurance they'd get on his case about that but Medicaid doesn't bother much. I've seen drs. use things like Mental Illness, not otherwise specified on Medicaid patients. I don't even know what that means and it certainly didn't help me treat them. (That was the dr I mentioned the other day that I left the job partly b/c he was letting people die thinking he could diagnose without testing). I can't remember his other ridiculous diagnoses but he had a number of them, things that were either so obvious like "elderly" or things that made no sense. "Wound, not otherwise specified" was another. Um, at least tell me where the wound is so I don't grab it? And what kind of wound, how bad is it, etc? Oh and "breathing difficulties". So occasional asthma or is the person on a vent? Etc. through all kinds of illnesses.

Instead of leaving a voicemail with the specific questions about sliding scale could you just leave a message asking for someone who handles billing to call you when they have time? I know for me it gets harder and I'm less motivated to call if I have to try over and over when I dread it already. I know that would work at my therapist's office and at dr's offices I"ve been to and had to fight with over Medicare billing so I think it's fairly commonly the set-up. That also saves you from having to ask the receptionist and then being passed on and you'll probably never see the billing person ever which is helpful.