[BeyondtheRainbow]

In the last several weeks I've had both visual and auditory hallucinations and paranoia. It's gotten better as my depression has worsened (I was hypomanic at the time most of it happened) but I haven't told anyone. Telling my therapist or pdoc makes me very, very anxious, like this is MY secret that I MUST keep and there will be repercussions of telling. Which is probably delusional since obviously they are not going to yell at me because my brain misfired. I know I should tell them and I really just can't.

I've never done this before. It's been hard to talk about before but I really can't thin of too many things that I have been completely unable to talk to my therapist and pdoc about.

Is this just me or does psychotic stuff seem like a huge secret to other people? (And it's not that I'm ashamed of the symptoms; I know it's nothing I did or whatever).

[jacky8807]

Why do you think you are hiding it?
I have hid symptoms before but I know in the long run it dosent help us
What kind of hallucinations are you experiencing?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm not having hallucinations right now, just the strong belief that I can't tell anyone. WRiting on here was practice and maybe I'll tell in person soon. Or I'll keep letting it go since it stopped when the depression came back badly.

I was having mostly auditory hallucinations--hearing music outside that wasn't there, some voices, that kind of thing. There were some visual too; the only one I remember was squirrels. As seems usual paranoia was worst and maybe is ongoing with not wanting to talk about it. I'm not sure. Usually I tell my therapist and pdoc everything without thinking about it. It's not usually nearly this hard.

[cmorales]

I try and hide my psychosis when it happens. Well, I guess I should say I tend to hide when I'm psychotic. I get weird paranoid delusions so I lock myself away from the world the best I can; no contact with anybody if I can help it.

[raspberrytorte]

You don't have to tell, or you can tell. Do you feel there are benefits in telling? I don't hide it. Except when I'm having delusions because I don't know they're not real and they tend to become "secrets". When my husband finds out I have a secret it's a red flag for him.

Anyway, maybe telling would make you feel better.

[Fuzzybear]

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I am supposed to tell and really should/need to tell because this year has brought a big change in how psychosis presents for me and the drs. need to know that. Maybe I've been too afraid I'd be started on clozaril sooner if I told and I really wanted this last month before dealing with that.

I am somehow afraid that telling will make something bad happen. But I know that this is something that qualifies in the things I promised to let them know about list.

It just feels like it is too much of my thoughts or something.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

As seems usual paranoia was worst and maybe is ongoing with not wanting to talk about it. I'm not sure. Usually I tell my therapist and pdoc everything without thinking about it. It's not usually nearly this hard.

paranoia is very hard for me ... thankfully my meds have helped me with it ... I have no great words of wisdom for you ... but I care about you ... it maybe best to share your "secret" ...

[junkDNA]

i used to try to hide my psychosis/voices from my T but he could always figure it out anyway. i dont try to hide it anymore

[Standup2me]

I hear music too. Sometimes I will even say to my bf "do you hear music, or is it in my head?".
I told my P.doc and he said it is very common in BPs.
So, tell, tell, tell... in the long run, it will help to tell

[CopperStar]

I don't talk about it with anyone because I'm not sure what the point of it would be, like what are they supposed to do about it. Probably based on my childhood and adolescent experiences, I just expect anyone to have a negative and then dismissing reaction - OR to suddenly take on a very intense, melodramatic demeanor (that solves nothing) which severely agitates me. Talking about it basically comes with this big, heavy, uncomfortable feeling, like a "so what now" feeling, and I don't expect anyone to be able to do anything helpful, only invalidate me or stress me out even more. It's also touchy grounds for a potential big, stupid argument, because I have a very tough time dealing with medication, and the likely first, immediate response (if there is one) will be to take a judegmental, intense criticism towards me about how it's my fault. In the end it would just be a boatload of stress that might push me over the top, not even worth it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think this may be some of what I fear if I tell. I know that my therapist and pdoc are not going to make some big thing about it but somehow because I know other people who aren't trained in it (like say if my mom found out), they would freak and if someone freaked out about this I could not handle it. Or my childhood experiece where, well, let's just say I broke my ankle and kept running 5+ miles/day on it rather than say it hurt b/c I wasn't allowed to complain.

The most anyone is going to freak out if I tell my therapist is that he might tell my pdoc himself or have me call her to tell her before my next session (which doesn't make sense since this is from a few weeks ago) and my pdoc is going to do nothing but suggest we start a med we already have agreed I'll start about Jan. 1 providing I don't have a miraculous response to low dose lithium. And she won't make me do it any sooner because she understands why I want to wait and that I am handling things right now and if I can't then I'll tell her. So the most I'll get is a calm reaction telling me to tell the pdoc who will simply note it is one more reason to make the change we've pretty much known was inevitable for 3 months but which has been put off because I'm a little afraid of it.

In my mind it becomes "don't tell and nothing bad will happen" but realistically telling the people who need to know will not cause anything bad. I think there's also a degree of "sure Jen, what's one more thing" that neither of them is saying or thinking but which I hear because this year has been so dramatic and I have family drama going on with mood drama and adding more just seems more unreal. Except what is unreal is my life.....But I don't want it to be.

This is really confusing for me obviously. Hopefully I'll figure it out by the time I see my pdoc in 3 weeks b/c she'll need to know then to explain to the hospital dr why she is going with clozaril. It's just so hard.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

I don't talk about it with anyone because I'm not sure what the point of it would be, like what are they supposed to do about it. Probably based on my childhood and adolescent experiences, I just expect anyone to have a negative and then dismissing reaction - OR to suddenly take on a very intense, melodramatic demeanor (that solves nothing) which severely agitates me. Talking about it basically comes with this big, heavy, uncomfortable feeling, like a "so what now" feeling, and I don't expect anyone to be able to do anything helpful, only invalidate me or stress me out even more. It's also touchy grounds for a potential big, stupid argument, because I have a very tough time dealing with medication, and the likely first, immediate response (if there is one) will be to take a judegmental, intense criticism towards me about how it's my fault. In the end it would just be a boatload of stress that might push me over the top, not even worth it.

all the time.

when i was younger my family never cared, so gave me the bases for being afraid and scared to talk about it (i'd asociate talking about myself with abuse and bad things happening to me), i still do- and it's difficult
when i was officially diagnosed, i was scared of using the world "bipolar", not because i was ashamed of it, but because of the whole stigma surrounding mental illness, and the fact that i'd all ready gone through a lot of stuff that made me afraid

these days, i'm not afraid to say what my illnesses are, but tend not to go in to any further detail about the psymptoms. it's still rather difficult for me to understand that talking about these things is okay and i won't be abused/ made fun of for doing so

[B2008]

Wow I'm very new to bipolar as I was misdiagnosed for 8 years! I've heard music and people calling my name for 19 years now I had no idea! Thanks for sharing!