I don't know how to survive this week

This week my brother is to be sentenced to a plea bargained probation for some things that I don't want to spell out on here and risk my family somehow finding me. It's something that I struggle with because it hits me very personally. I'm sad and angry and confused and horrified and yet the depression makes it all seem so distant except when it doesn't and it feels like the whole world is going to change this week. It won't, exactly, but I guess the end of pretending this isn't real is going to happen. And I have issues with the probation seeming like not enough punishment yet who could possibly want their brother to go to jail and so I just don't know how to get through this. There is no logic that guides any of this.

I don't know how to get through the week. We've been waiting for a resolution for a very long time and now it is here and that doesn't seem real because we thought 4 months or 10 months or a year would be long enough and by now it stopped seeming like it was going to happen.

I just don't know. I'm scared of how I'll react. I see my therapist the day of the sentencing but don't know if it will be over before my appointment which is pretty early. And the last time I saw my therapist I just left feeling more grouchy, although for no good reason. I want him to see how I'm feeling without me telling him I think.

None of this makes sense. I just wish I could wake up and have it be over with and have reached the point where it is the way it is and not this whole huge new thing to adjust to.

I'm sorry for your struggle.
I understand the love & loyalty to family but when they commit crimes, it is THEM who chose to break the law.
No one wants to see loved ones suffer or punished but sometimes, they need those things to help them so it never happens again.

You didn't do these things. You can't control the situation or outcome.

Though, I am a very empathetic person, I feel Others pain deeply. I have had to learn to separate myself from it.
To put responsibility back on the shoulders of those who chose their paths.

I pray you can find peace & not let this take you even lower.

I know this is a huge, unfathomable struggle for you. I cannot imagine what you must be experiencing, cannot imagine what you are feeling. I just want to let you know that I am here and that I care for you and that you can PM me as often and as long as you need.
All my love,
Sarah

If you don't want to say what you're feeling to your tdoc then maybe write it down instead?

My brother is a trouble maker too and last time he would call me from jail crying. He wanted me to put my house up for his bail! Uhnm hell no?! It's kind of sad that I pride myself in saying I'm the only one in my family who hasn't been in some kind of trouble. I feel horrible for their legal problems and costs but at the end of the day, they weren't innocent. Do you HAVE to go to this court date? I wouldn't go to my brothers because I couldn't handle seeing him locked up. Hopefully this will be just one bad day and you can move on. Don't be so hard on yourself, you didn't do the crime. Talk or write it out for tdoc and get it all out. Prepare yourself if you have to. Do you have any PRN meds you can take before court? Good luck Hun!

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

Oh, I'm not going to court. Nobody is; I don't think he wants us there. And I promised my therapist long ago not to go. I wasn't even supposed to know how many or specifically what the charges were had this gone to trial because my therapist said that it would just make me hate my brother (due to the nature of the crime). I just have to deal with the phone call that makes it official and with whatever feelings come with that. I kinda delayed letting myself be mad because I thought that would come when he was in jail and after everything had come out. Then that isn't what happened so about 3 weeks ago I got smacked with a lot of anger, about the only thing I can feel right now.

I actually already wrote all this out. It was supposed to be for my brother but veered directly into PTSD territory so I've been carrying it to my therapist but waiting to talk about it until after Thanksgiving was dealt with. I've pretty much been drawing or writing everything lately; I'm not doing well with saying things. I said a lot in this "letter" though. I made an appt. to discuss it and then had to cancel b/c I left home without my purse or enough gas. (Very stupid).

My brother isn't innocent either. I feel like he is getting away with a lot. Which is maybe not fair, this will impact his life and maybe will do so in ways I do not even know about yet depending on how the judge sets probation, but I've been on the victim side and it hurts. This is all tangled up with my own issues.

But we've waited well over a year and I guess at least the waiting will end.

Thank you Sarah. I may take you up on that. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a long day.