[bbTofu]

I'm an addict and I love it.
I'm addicted to my highs. I'm addicted to feeling so vital.
I admire myself and embrace my exuberance.
I knew it's impossible to remain in a certain state forever, and yet I fell for the illusion.
I'm in love with myself when I'm happy. I'm radiant and it shows.

So why bother posting?
Because it is now, when I'm "calm" because my body is so exhausted of me going on and on (I even had fever yesterday). Now I realize that as good as it feels ~ I miss the destructive side-effects that may be caused in this process.
Being told I'm on drugs is funny until it isn't.
Driving 165 km/h feeling awesome is fun until something goes wrong and breaks.
Singing & Bubbling non-stop everywhere I go is joyful until it isn't, because not everyone (especially at workplaces) can stand it for long-periods and eventually people bug me for being bugged by me
New hobbies are productive until it gets expensive.
Feeling brilliant with aspiring ideas is ingenious until you can't track them, or they are not clear for anyone but you, and when you slow down ~ you can't make sense of your own ideas anymore either.

It is now when I'm exhausted I can understand it and speak of this that way, but as soon as I skyrocket up; I can't help it, I love it.

Can't give up on feeling that good. I never felt that way in my whole life, I never felt I'm able to do so much stuff, I never could be so spontaneous and book a flight 1.5 weeks before the date, I'd never be so productive in my research works.

I'm an addict.

[bbTofu]

Are/did u guys going/went through similar experience?
When you're not CLEARLY dangerous to others/yourself to make it SO unquestionably obvious u need medication that u just go for it.

[Spaceyspace]

Originally Posted by bbTofu

Are/did u guys going/went through similar experience?
When you're not CLEARLY dangerous to others/yourself to make it SO unquestionably obvious u need medication that u just go for it.

For me, I wouldn't say that I am addicted to any particular aspect of my condition, but I do miss my more enlightened, clearer, creative, thinking when I don't have it for periods of time, as would anyone I think. I recently accepted taking Risperdal and got a bit worried about all this.

And yes, it's great until it's not. But it's hard for me to know where that line is. One day I'm blah the next I'm yelling to my husband such and such about MY omnipotence etc and so forth, can't calm down, can't make myself believe no, the neighbors aren't watching me.

I'm hoping in the end a low dose of the medication will take the edge off the worst but still keep my creativity in play.

[bbTofu]

I hope you'll still be able to enjoy your creativity!

[secretgalaxy]

When I know that I am getting manic, I push it to go higher and for longer, as long as I can. And I miss it when I am in a depression. I see it is destructive but I addicted to being destructive. I have to destroy myself one way or another, even if I don't know at the moment that I am doing it. When I am depressed I self-harm and restrict food. Being able to feel so amazing comes with a price and I am, unfortunately, willing to pay for it.

[wildflowerchild25]

I LOVE mania. The good kind. The kind where I feel like life has special meaning. Where I feel so enlightened that I just know I can make everyone around me better if they would just listen to me. Seeing the world sparkle and shimmer is awesome. And I was addicted for a short while. I skipped meds or used just the ad to throw me up there. And I wish I still could. Unfortunately I have learned the hard way that my mania has an ugly side and it often goes sour pretty damn quick. I'm lucky if I get a week of happy mania. Then it just devolves and spins into ugliness. I have a son who I am now the sole provider for and I cannot afford to take that risk anymore. I become an awful person when manic.

I liken it to doing street drugs. It feels amazing but comes with too high a cost.

[bbTofu]

Yes, even if the price seems blurred and unclear at the time.

Thank you for sharing guys, appreciate your honesty.

[Mountainbard]

When I'm hypomanic I'm blind to the fact. And I love the way it feels. But the cost for me is always crippling depression-- like a hangover after drinking. And so I'm thankful I'm on effective meds. Sure I miss the high sometimes-- but not the consequences.

[wiretwister]

I am trying to keep as close as I can to that edge ... I have "reduced" my meds to where I can feel it changing and still be able to react ... sometimes I dip sometimes I float but so far I have been riding it pretty well ... but I am a rather dull person and my main desire in life is to keep my job so I can pay my bills and stay in my house ... I am willing to give up everything else to stay with that ... I wish you peace and stability for the season ... Tigger.

I am like Wiretwister. My p-doc allows me to get to the edge. She knows that is where I feel most alive. Teetering on the cliff of madness.

(Btw, I see her often so she can keep an eye on me.)

[bbTofu]

Can you tell more about how your p-doc allows you teetering on the edge?
reduce/increase in your dosage according to your mental-state?

[thecrankyone]

I hate the after effects, but I used to joke that mania was the only time I'd get anything done. When I am depressed taking a shower and leaving the house are major accomplishments.

When I am hypomanic I am super woman who get everything done and doesn't need any sleep and runs around like she has wheels on her shoes.

[LorrieTorrie]

I miss feeling alive. I'm depressed right now, but I miss being just spontaneous enough to try new things. Normally when I'm just me, I keep to myself and stick to what I know. When I'm manic all of that goes out the window. I'm ready to face new adventures.

[furiousfever]

I'm glad you posted this today. It is exactly me, and I just hit the "f*%#, its over!!!" wall yesterday. Suddenly, it makes no sense that I love and crave mania so much. I'm looking around feeling like I tornadoed my life, I thought it was my real life, and now I have only emptiness and exhaustion left. Also I'm feeling so disillusioned. Here I was feeling like I was this new sparkly productive machine of a human, but I'm just sick. Run of the mill, destructive, stupid, unimpressively sick and humiliated.
Woof.

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[bbTofu]

I try to retrospect and I think I only get depressed in semester's exam-sessions, the next begins in February. I just need to create a plan, a program of activity for the whole session so I won't feel like I'm getting lost in nothingness. Actually it's only 1 exam this Feb and about 3 weeks of 'freedom' from college. I might book a 3-day trip to Europe for a really cheap price but that's only 3 days... what I really mean is that it seems that something particular in those times trigger and crush me hard, otherwise I'm just Superbly-Okay and perhaps that can be my default baseline -- I'm feeling VERY good most of the week, maybe a day or two where my body rests and back up again.

[bbTofu]

furiousfever, have you been riding highs and feel that you crushed now? Is there anything that can help you go through what you're feeling now? Close friend, therapy, meds....

[furiousfever]

Bbtofu,
I have been. This morning I felt crushed but now I'm soaring again? I went to therapy but can't seem to clear my head about the whole thing. I wish there were a clearer rhythm. My therapist lays it out in a way that sounds so simple,but it never feels simple. Anyway, sounds like you are in a very similar boat!
What's your med situation?

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[furiousfever]

Also, travel throws me hard! 3 days in Europe sounds like a dangerous whirlwind. How do you cope with travel?

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[bbTofu]

I only saw a psychiatrist like a month ago. She prescribed Lithium but I didn't take it - don't feel like I need this right now. Hope I won't need this at all.
I'm in a psychotherapy though for long time, in a psychodynamic approach which is a bit different from what you described "therapist lays it out .. simple"
In a psychodynamic therapy you dictate the pace and the content of the therapy, it's more digging the depths of your inner-layers rather than helping you cope with everyday life.

Travel? Depends. Throw me in Europe now and I'll be the happiest man on earth. I was traveled to Amsterdam to meet a good friend there this month and it was perfect. I'm thinking about Switzerland/Austria for next destination.
Depends on destination and the style of the trip- I wouldn't go to India for example despite the fact I loved it there very much, now it doesn't fit my desires and schedule too

What makes it hard for you in traveling ? Generally too pressuring or something more specific

[furiousfever]

I was on lithium for a stretch of time and will never take it again! Not for me!
As for travel, I love love love it but as you can imagine I get easily carried away. And jumping time zones is bad for my sleep. I still do it. I just have to prepare and have recovery time.

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[Saltine American]

My "normal" state is that of a Debbie downer filled with fear and a socially avoidant person.

My manic state is no fear.
Wanting to do something and doing it.
social, outgoing, curious, etc.

Although every time I have been manic, and done amazing things, and had amazing sex or whatever. You know, two summers ago I went to my first baseball game(s) 3 concerts, downtown clubs, drinking, drugs. It was AMAZING.

BUT I always end up hitting that peak and falling into the abyss of depression.

So I take whatever meds they give me. damn I miss it though.

[bbTofu]

Okay guys, so I've been thinking. Everything's ****ing great, alright?

At the very least, I feel normal, and okay.
At the very worst, I'm exhausted, irritated, agitated, frustrated.
But most of the time, I feel damn good! Blissful even...

It has been this way for a long time now.
So it only makes sense to think that .. I am meant to be this way! It is right.
I think my purpose is to spread this radiance, make people happy too

[furiousfever]

Hell yes. That's a good attitude! Spread the wealth! Lol

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[bbTofu]

Yeehawwww!!