[wildflowerchild25]

Another pointless pdoc appointment. It wasn't my regular pdoc as she's on vacation (even though she consults with this pdoc on my case all the time) so she was reluctant to make any changes. She tried to push the Wellbutrin on me even though I stopped it last month (my pdoc never refilled it and I kept forgetting to call until it was too late). And even though it wasn't working at all. I finally told her I'm not going to take something that's not working. She upped the Brintellix to ten mg. I have felt nothing on five mg. I don't know how Brintellix works, whether it takes a long time to build up or not. All I know is that I'm tired.

The depression has been getting blacker.

Possible trigger:

today I really felt like I could really do it. I've been planning all afternoon. I have a general plan, just not specifics. I know I can't leave my son. I know that. But part of me thinks it will be better without me. Which I know is not true and I will not do it. But I feel like I could. I feel even blacker knowing I can't. I am wishing and hoping that I will get into a car accident and die. I could be with my husband again.

I of course won't do anything because I don't have a will and I don't know where my son would end up. He might end up in foster care and I don't want that. I have to get my affairs in order.

If Christmas wasn't in three days I would go to the hospital. Just so I could be somewhere I don't have to pretend. So I could be somewhere I don't have to do anything except lay in bed as that's all I feel I'm capable of right now.

The worst part is that I know I'm probably going to feel fine in a week or so for a month or so so by the time I see my pdoc again I'll be fine. And then it will start all over again. And I'll be back here and how many times can I be here before I finally say enough?

I hate this. I hope I can convince my regular pdoc to let me try the maoi when I see her. If I'm still feeling like ****.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Even if you aren't feeling bad when you see your pdoc that's actually a good time to start the maoi transition process because you have to either be off the old AD for 2 weeks before starting the MAOI or start IP when the AD dose gets low (that's what I had to do; I couldn't function on a low dose, much less none of my prior AD but my pdoc wanted me iP to start it anyway, I forget why now). So starting that process when you feel bad is harder than if you do it feeling better.

I'm sorry it didn't go well today. I can't imagine having to see a substitute pdoc. Mine just schedules me further out if she's going to be off or unavailable. I've had someone randomly take my call when she was off and I accidentally took my bedtime meds in the morning and that was hard enough; a whole appt. would make me a nervous mess. But where I go is pretty careful about consistent scheduling being a part of their care.

I hope the dose increase of the B stuff helps you.

It is a waiting game. You WILL feel better! You know this.

Just do anything you can to wait. It will pass.

[BleakGeek]

Your post makes me so sad. It would be heartbreaking to lose the one you love. Only time will heal so stay strong for your son. The happy memories will help you through it.

[alincdytyourmeds]

keep that little boy in the front of your mind. The b left me tired so i take it at night instead of the morning. I hope you feel better.

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I do hope the Med increase helps, or you can get some other help soon. Please be gentle with yourself.

[wildflowerchild25]

I saw my therapist yesterday. It was another bad day of constant suicidal thoughts and plans. She told me she wants me to join her dbt group. Ugh. I've been through dbt a lot and I don't like it. She said it's evidence based and that it's almost a guarantee I would feel better if I did it and applied it. I see what she's saying but I don't think it's that simple. She said I felt too helpless and that it's not true that I can't do anything to help the depression when it comes. She's probably right. I'm not trying hard enough. But I don't want to do dbt again. I apply pieces of dbt all the time in depression and it doesn't help. I do opposite action, building mastery, distraction...half smile...all sorts of ****. Maybe I'm just willing myself to feel bad. I felt like she was suggesting I don't do enough. I'm sure that's not how she meant it but still.

I just don't want to do dbt for a freaking year. I definitely don't want to be stuck working on interpersonal effectiveness for six weeks at a time. I don't feel like I have a problem with interpersonal effectiveness. If I don't do the dbt is that like me refusing to get better? Is that me secretly wishing to stay ill? I was like that before and I don't like myself like that. I just don't think dbt will work. I mean I already do it.

I think I'm really stuck in negative thinking. Wouldn't that be turning the mind? I have to look that one up.

Christmas is not helping. I have to drag myself off the couch to make fudge and it's about the last thing I want to do. But lying here isn't helping either so...whatever.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think not wanting to do one treatment which you have tried and clearly from your knowledge given a good shot is not trying to stay sick. DBT isn't for everyone and isn't the only treatment there is. The hospital has tried a couple of times to get me into DBT (despite it being hours from home; the social worker really just is trying to do anything at all to show she did something for me but that's another story) and my therapist feels very strongly that it is not the right treatment for me. Another therapist/friend who knows me well also doesn't think DBT is right for me. I've done a lot of CBT and ACT combined with other similar things plus I've done intensive PTSD treatment that I forget the name of. Those things work for me when I'm well enough to use them and when I'm not I do try and honestly DBT wouldn't work then either. From what I have read I think the treatments I've had are more right for me. I think DBT becomes trendy in certain places/practices but it's not the only answer. (I realize that I probably haven't come across like I have good coping skills but this is the worst my bipolar has been in years and I haven't had a 12 month episode in so long I don't remember the last one. I'm much better at it than I've shown on here).

So I think different people benefit from different therapies and if you've tried it and know it's not your thing then you're very much allowed to want to do something else.

[DechanDawa]

Aren't you the person who lost your husband this past year? If so, this would be your first holiday without him, right? And wasn't this his favorite holiday time? If so, your emotions seem normal. The idea of "turning the mind" -- it isn't helpful here. If you are sad because you are alone during this holiday and finding it very tough to get through...maybe it would be helpful to simply acknowledge that yes, it is very difficult. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be alone, feeling as you do, and with the responsibility of a young child. Of course you are overwhelmed! Anyone would be. I can understand your feelings about DBT. When I was at my most depressed I bought a workbook on DBT. It was too much to wade through. I wasn't thinking, "Who are the people writing this? Don't they understand I can barely string two thoughts together?" I couldn't even read the workbook. Too many words. Just too many words and concepts. Now that I am less depressed I can work with the ideas presented in the workbook. I am not sure how helpful it is, but I am doing it because it is self-help. For you, I think the most mindful thing would be to extend compassion to yourself. To know that what you are feeling is normal and natural. Are you getting bereavement counseling? It seems like this is something you could benefit from now. My wish is that you encircle your heart with tender loving care this holiday season. You are worthy of this level of care. Everyone is. If you do this for yourself it will naturally extend out to your child. Best wishes. One moment at a time. Hang on...for the you now, and for the future you.

[wildflowerchild25]

I guess I've been so insistent in my mind that it's depression not grief. But of course it's grief. I guess I'd rather it be depression because that's more out of my control. Not my fault. But I don't suppose grief is my fault either. I think it's easier for me to focus on the bipolar rather than the trauma of losing my husband. Of course I'm upset. Christmas is probably playing into it a lot more than I've been admitting to myself. Wrapping presents was hard because I hate it and my husband always used to do the majority of it. And just little things like not being able to put "from both of us" on the tag...the present is just from me this year. It's so hard. And yeah I think there is a bit of bipolar depression at play as well...both of it together just feels impossible. But I have to keep reminding myself that suicide is not an option. I think all I can do is ride this out. Maybe that's not so bad. Maybe that's not giving up.

I hope someday I love life and want to live. It's been so long.

[Nammu]

Grief is hard. The first holiday without your husband is hard.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I guess I've been so insistent in my mind that it's depression not grief. But of course it's grief. I guess I'd rather it be depression because that's more out of my control. Not my fault. But I don't suppose grief is my fault either. I think it's easier for me to focus on the bipolar rather than the trauma of losing my husband. Of course I'm upset. Christmas is probably playing into it a lot more than I've been admitting to myself. Wrapping presents was hard because I hate it and my husband always used to do the majority of it. And just little things like not being able to put "from both of us" on the tag...the present is just from me this year. It's so hard. And yeah I think there is a bit of bipolar depression at play as well...both of it together just feels impossible. But I have to keep reminding myself that suicide is not an option. I think all I can do is ride this out. Maybe that's not so bad. Maybe that's not giving up.

I hope someday I love life and want to live. It's been so long.

You've got this in control! Thank you so much for sharing.

[Unrigged64072835]

No, neither depression or grief are your fault. And doing things this time of year is hard. You'll feel better again, but you have to let the grieving process happen. I've taken DBT too, but it can only help so much. Ride this out and it will pass.

[DechanDawa]

Wishing you the best in 2016. Have you thought about (or are you already part of) a bereavement group? It helps to join one even for just 6 months. You have to keep trying new doors and exploring all options, because that one door you think about isn't the only door. Not at all. Wishing you strength, and love in 2016.

[wildflowerchild25]

There is a bereavement group around here but it's the same time I see my therapist. I haven't looked for another. My anxiety is really too high to go to a group by myself. I'm sure my sister in law would come with me if I asked, I just haven't done it yet.

Today was bad but not as bad. Had to see my father in law and of course he made up stories of my husband's drug dealers threatening him with guns, being threatened by the bloods gang, and that he believes my husband was never embalmed. It's so hard to go over there. I wish my husband's father operated on the same plane of existence as the rest of us and we could have real conversations, talk about memories of my husband and things like that. But he has bipolar too, possibly schozoaffective, and lives in a constant state of delusion. I mean seriously, why the **** would the undertaker not embalm my husband? And furthermore, why would you think I want to think about that ****? That's why I don't talk to him. He just wants to talk about how my husband died and all the awful things. Nothing positive. I had to see him for Christmas so he could give his grandson his presents but I'm not going to go back for the rest of the winter.

Sigh. I'll be ok. Someday.

(((((((((wildflowerchild)))))))))

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

There is a bereavement group around here but it's the same time I see my therapist. I haven't looked for another. My anxiety is really too high to go to a group by myself. I'm sure my sister in law would come with me if I asked, I just haven't done it yet.

Today was bad but not as bad. Had to see my father in law and of course he made up stories of my husband's drug dealers threatening him with guns, being threatened by the bloods gang, and that he believes my husband was never embalmed. It's so hard to go over there. I wish my husband's father operated on the same plane of existence as the rest of us and we could have real conversations, talk about memories of my husband and things like that. But he has bipolar too, possibly schozoaffective, and lives in a constant state of delusion. I mean seriously, why the **** would the undertaker not embalm my husband? And furthermore, why would you think I want to think about that ****? That's why I don't talk to him. He just wants to talk about how my husband died and all the awful things. Nothing positive. I had to see him for Christmas so he could give his grandson his presents but I'm not going to go back for the rest of the winter.

Sigh. I'll be ok. Someday.

4

Sounds like your father-in-law is both delusional and traumatized by his loss. Yeah, how can you deal with that is right! I hope you can get to a bereavement group with your sister-in-law, and it makes perfect sense for you both to go together. Good for you that you are considering all the new doors you can open --- It's downright inspiring!