[Jadenmia1]

I posted here months ago, but I still haven't gotten help. I don't know how to tell someone how I feel and I feel like I am being tormented by my own mind I can't stand it anymore!!!

I am depressed and have bad anxiety and panic attacks. I told my doctor about my panic attacks and was put on Paxil, the Paxil made me hallucinate, a constant panic and suicidal so I quit after just a week. The effects lasted weeks/months and I thought I had lost my mind.

Now I just take Ativan to calm the panic attacks but they make me so angry and agitated.

My problem is I have uncontrollable anger, jealousy, sad and suicidal. It effects my relationship terribly, I cannot stand to even hear a woman's name come out of his mouth or I feel instant horrible anger. Thoughts about his past intrude my brain constantly and make me so sad that I can't stop the thoughts. I find myself in rages and complete paranoia that he is cheating constantly and it's tearing my marriage apart!!
I see a therapist monthly but I cannot bring myself to tell her the way I feel. I spend weeks/months so miserable and angry. Then il have a month here and there where I feel happy and normal and like I can do anything a normal person can.
I feel like I am undiagnosed bipolar.. But I just can't bring myself to tell anybody how I feel.. I'm so embarrassed



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[Mountainbard]

I'm sorry you're struggling so. I know how hard it can be to open up. I resisted treatment for years and self-medicated instead because of that. But when I finally got help it was the best thing I ever did. And I know it's hard to bring yourself to tell your therapist the way you feel. But without complete information she can't help you. I don't know if you have bipolar or not but there's definitely something going on there. A visit to a pdoc would be very much in order. You found the courage to post here about what you're feeling. Take that courage and transfer it to the real world. Feeling embarrassed is common but you can overcome that. You have to remember it's not your fault you feel the way you do. Be gentle with yourself.

[marmaduke]

You say you feel rages and uncontrolled jealously.
Maybe borderline?

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[Jadenmia1]

Thankyou so much for the replies. I find it so easy to come online and look for help, I wish I could just as easily find help in reality. I feel that I could be happier and find some normalcy in my life if I did.. But I have some sort of 'ideal image' of my myself that I don't want to break by telling my doctor, my therapist etc..
My husband urges me to seek help, but I don't know where to start

I don't know whether it is bipolar or not either, I just know that all I come across is this when I'm reading trying to self help and figure out what is going on with myself! It seems people here understand me more than anyone else does.
My grandmother struggled with bipolar, so I feel maybe that is what I'm experiencing. The only thing I don't experience is the highs, I feel insanely happy and confident sometimes, but it's rare and short lived.

The thing that struck me a while ago is reading it's common for people with bipolar to struggle with sex addictions. I have struggled with some sort of hyper sexuality for 12 years now and it drains the life out of me, I just want to be able to be normal..

I have been this way for as long as I can remember, I have been close to getting help, but never followed through.

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[Jadenmia1]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

You say you feel rages and uncontrolled jealously.
Maybe borderline?

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The jealousy is probably the thing i struggle with the most. I have ruined all my relationships because of insane jealousy on top of a horrible fear of abandonment..

I drive them away with the angry jealous questioning and tantrums, then cling to their legs and scream and cry as they try to leave.
It's embarrassing, but I can't control it.
There has been times my husband has done something wrong, or come home later than he said and I have completely destroyed his clothes and belongings.

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[marmaduke]

My last partner was BP
He did the same. He refused all therapy or meds.
Wish he'd accepted help.

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[mtnannie]

Originally Posted by Jadenmia1

I posted here months ago, but I still haven't gotten help. I don't know how to tell someone how I feel and I feel like I am being tormented by my own mind I can't stand it anymore!!!

I am depressed and have bad anxiety and panic attacks. I told my doctor about my panic attacks and was put on Paxil, the Paxil made me hallucinate, a constant panic and suicidal so I quit after just a week. The effects lasted weeks/months and I thought I had lost my mind.

Now I just take Ativan to calm the panic attacks but they make me so angry and agitated.

My problem is I have uncontrollable anger, jealousy, sad and suicidal. It effects my relationship terribly, I cannot stand to even hear a woman's name come out of his mouth or I feel instant horrible anger. Thoughts about his past intrude my brain constantly and make me so sad that I can't stop the thoughts. I find myself in rages and complete paranoia that he is cheating constantly and it's tearing my marriage apart!!
I see a therapist monthly but I cannot bring myself to tell her the way I feel. I spend weeks/months so miserable and angry. Then il have a month here and there where I feel happy and normal and like I can do anything a normal person can.
I feel like I am undiagnosed bipolar.. But I just can't bring myself to tell anybody how I feel.. I'm so embarrassed



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You did a good job describing how you feel on this post. What about writing it down and have your therapist and psychiatrist read it. If you don't have a psychiatrist, I suggest that you get one. A general doctor just isn't as well informed or as sensitive as a psychiatrist. I had the same type of reaction on paxil. Told the psych and he upped my dose! Changed psych's then. Almost hospitalized. Anyway I hope these suggestions are helpful. Blessings.

[marmaduke]

I'm no expert, so have you checked out the BP forum?

DBT is good I've heard. And sometime anti psycotics help apparently.
Have you got a good doctor?

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[Vossie42]

Originally Posted by Jadenmia1

I have been this way for as long as I can remember, I have been close to getting help, but never followed through.

Could you print out your post and hand it to your therapist at the next session? That would require a lot less time and effort to do as opposed to saying the same thing out loud. A kind of nonverbal way of just blurting it out. You could say something like "This is hard for me to talk about, so here" and hand the therapist the printout.

I know what you mean by the burst of rage and the embarrassment afterwards. I make an *** of myself every time I visit family. (We're spread across the country, so we get together only once or twice a year.) I have to put my parrot in another room when I get really angry or just leave my apartment. Speaking of which, I better work some of this rage and frustration off at the gym before I do something I regret.

I just wanted to say I hear ya and I'm right there with ya.

Yes, I agree that printing your thread out would be a good idea and make it easier to talk about.
Have you read at all about borderline? Because what you describe sounds very much so to me. We can't diagnose of course, but it's something I've read a lot about because my BF has many of the same issues you are dealing with. I have bipolar, but couldn't understand his behavior. When I learned about borderline, it explained so much. And when I read Walking On Eggshells, I cried. It was a revelation.

Many people say that bipolar and borderline are hard to tell apart. I disagree. There are some significant differences. Maybe living under the same roof with one of each for 6 years helps me see the contrasts more(?)

Here are some key things to look for... Borderline is an ongoing state of affairs, because it plays out as reaction within relationships and other situations. The forces come from outside, then cause a variety of reactions within the person with borderline. There is a sense of having no control of one's emotions. And they can turn on a dime. This makes relationships hard as this tends to bring on chaos. There is a sense of on-going crisis (if it's not one thing, it's another and things which others would brush off, a borderline person feels they can't because their emotions are so intense). Also, there is a strong tendency to "read into" things meanings that aren't intended by the other person.

Fear of abandonment. That's a biggie. Like you said, it tends to drive people away. Attack then desperation (I hate you but don't leave me!!!) There's a lot of black and white thinking. Hate/love. All good/all bad. Middle ground is elusive.

Related to that, there is what they call idealization/devaluation. Someone will get put on a pedestal, but then does (or fails to do) something that is perceived as negative and suddenly they are considered a total villain. There's a persistant pattern of unstable, intense and tumultuous relationships.

I've seen in him too the short-lived spells of "happy and normal" you describe. They seem to happen when things are going his way (there's not as much to react to maybe?). But all it takes is one thing and boom! Right back to square one.

There is a very good description of borderline right on this site. You'll find it under "conditions" (at top of page). This takes you to a page where you'll find BPD on the lower part of the right-hand column.

Good news is that there is a therapy called DBT, and I've heard that when someone really applies themselves, it can be a huge help.

(This is already a book, but in a nutshell regarding bipolar, the troubles are episodic. Also, big shifts in energy levels, not just moods as people often seem to think.)

[Jadenmia1]

Thank you all so much for the replies!! I'm definitely not looking for a diagnosis online, but I definitely appreciate the feedback so I can go into my therapist with something to put forward to her logically and explain my concerns..

I have been reading on borderline personality since reading these comments and wow it's scarily accurate. My problem is more major overreactions to what's going on around me, not so much shifts like that..

I have a decent doctor, I have been with him for 8 years. 1 year ago I had a major breakdown couple of weeks after I had my son. I had seen a picture of my husband with another woman and she was kissing his cheek. I lost it, suicidal, I didn't eat, I couldn't get out of bed it was a horrible time. My doctor sent me to the therapist I'm with now and I'v been with her since.

She told me the same thing as you mentioned ^^ that I had my husband on a pedestal but the realization that he was just human/not perfect had caused me to see him as a villain, which is so spot on. He disgusted me to the point of hate for a long time but in the past year it has improved thankfully.
I also read a little about the dbt therapy? It seems that is what I'm doing with her right now...

I'v wrote a short letter about the way I have been feeling and plan to take it in to her next week at my appointment. I'm so hoping I can find some peace within my mind, I'm so tired of my breakdowns.. It's exhausting.

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