[suezq927]

I have a hard time differentiating between what is my true personality vs when the bipolar is affecting my mood/responses. Am I upset bc of my mental state or would I be upset if I didn't have BP affecting my thoughts and feelings? There seems to be a large grey area that I'm having a hard time defining, and I feel it is affecting relationships. It's not believed that the BP can affect me in which I react a certain way rather than how another without BP might do so. Maybe I do have a lot of built up anger that makes me snap. Maybe it is part of the disorder. I have no clue!

[scatterbrained04]

I find myself wondering that myself. I can't figure it out. Sometimes I run things through other people to help me decide.

[bbTofu]

Wondering about that, too.
But, I think that even when our brain is affected by our illness ~ we still react in a way that isn't a 100% stranger to us, it's rather derived from our personality bank.
The bank includes unconscious parts of our personality which we might not exhibit on a regular day.

Everybody has a life and death wish inside them.
When I'm depressed my death wish is controlling the party (wat a sad party..).
When I'm high the exuberance is blasting out.

The content may be very bizarre and strange and "not us" and not typical of us, but it's still comes from our 'bank' and not some 'bipolar bank'.
The imbalances in the brain causing the expressions of our life&death wishes go out of proportion ..

[Ocean Swimmer]

I wonder how much of my emotions are side effects of the meds. I can usually tell from memory before when I wasn't medicated the regular decisions and the bipolar decisions. I tend to be very excitable and dramatic during episodes of mania. Last year I was comotose with depression. That's the first time that's happened. So they ( Dr & husband) put me thru ECT a bunch of times. Even when I was home, I had to go in outpatient for ECT. Brain Fry.
I'm really messed up. Both short term and long term memory. It hasn't come back as promised. Also ECT gave me high blood pressure. I've never had a problem in my whole life.
I also lost 60 lbs and all my muscle tone. I'm almost 6' tall. I didn't need to lose weight.
Now I've gained back fat as a result of my eating to satisfy med cravings. But am too tired to do much exercise.
I do go to the beach for an hour swim a few times a week.

[furiousfever]

Well said tofu. Exuberance is blasting out! Haha! I get that with every fiber of my being. In hindsight, those moments make me laugh because they are so far from my normal. They feel normal at the time though for sure, so totally in sync with what the universe wants from me. I sweep people up in little energy tornados and they love it! Until all of a sudden the faces(that I barely see in the zoom) turn to that of bewildered concern.
In depression my world warps and it feels as though I've always been this empty headed self loathing creature. Small,meek, unable to make the simplest decisions. Unable to stay awake or present in everyday moment.
It's hard to differentiate the me from the illness because the illness is all encompassing. It changes everything basic that we face, appetite, energy, sleep, sex drive, self esteem. When everything changes all at once, there is no you vs the illness. It's you in the illness and you on the other side. It's tricky because it creates a kind of amnesia. I have the memories of the things that happened when I was manic, but it is as though they happened to another Michelle. This Michelle can't even get out of bed so she can't imagine climbing rollercoasters in the middle of the night or sleeping with piles of women at once. (Ha! I'm straight)

Pay attention to the past is my advice. Learn your triggers and your behaviors, but don't stress over every thought. You are still you, sick or not. Everything comes back around. You might have to get ahead of it to see what was real.In time, you can look back, understand and plan for the future. If you are mindful it gets easier as time goes on.
I still get lost in wondering, but my goal for this year it to give myself space. Space to breathe when I am down. Space to make mistakes and misjudgments. And space to forgive myself afterwards.
"Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear."

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by suezq927

I have a hard time differentiating between what is my true personality vs when the bipolar is affecting my mood/responses. Am I upset bc of my mental state or would I be upset if I didn't have BP affecting my thoughts and feelings? There seems to be a large grey area that I'm having a hard time defining, and I feel it is affecting relationships. It's not believed that the BP can affect me in which I react a certain way rather than how another without BP might do so. Maybe I do have a lot of built up anger that makes me snap. Maybe it is part of the disorder. I have no clue!

I struggle with the same questions. I was thinking about it the other day, and about how to explain to a normal person what it's like for me. Maybe you can relate.
The closest description I could come up with is, it's like having two spirits and one soul. One is a bad spirit ( who sees all the negative things, tells you all is lost, there's no hope, you can't do anything right, and generally finds the worst in all people and situations) The other is a good spirit ( who sees everything positive, tells you that you can do anything you set your mind to, everything's going to work out, and sees all things good in your life) Then, there's the soul, stuck in the middle trying to figure out which ones lying, and which ones telling the truth. Because BOTH seem to have very compelling arguments when you're in their cycle. It's frustrating because you can be 100% convinced about something when you're depressed and then equally convinced the opposite is true when you're manic! And since I'm always in some sort of transition, never truly stable, I don't have a chance to figure out what the "soul" itself thinks or feels without the other influences.
Is this something like how you feel?

[Nammu]

When I'm stable I react appropriately to life events. When I don't I know things are off. But of course this assumes you have stable periods. When I had both PTSD and BP it was very hard and the times of stability were few and far. Finding the right meds is also kind of a crap shoot, throw in monthly hormonal changes which can be hard for normals to handle, it can get very difficult to know whats personality and which is the illness. They best bet is to work with a good therapist and learn to identify your personal cyclic patterns.

[suezq927]

I feel as if I don't have stable periods, which is probably why I'm really struggling with identifying what is which. It's been 2 years since dx, and I'm constantly going to my pdoc and meds are being tweaked. She said I'm one that walks on a tightrope. One little change can throw me completely off kilter the other way. Having said this, I'm still having identifying triggers and such which makes it that much harder. Who knows if it's the meds changing, if it's something in my life, if it's having a couple drinks, or just honestly having a bad (or good) day that is the trigger for the episode? I do feel like there's a good side and bad side of me, and I feel as if the bad comes out more so than the good. I know there's a good person in there, and I know everyone has bad days. Obviously I'm very conflicted. I often wonder what someone with a "normal" brain thinks and feels in the same situation once I reflect on the outcome and actions that led to that point...if I had that "normal" brain, would I have done the same thing? I feel like if the answer is yes that it was truly me, but if not, it's the BP. If only I knew what my "normal" brain would think....