[Alone & confused]

I'm so tired of this feeling of isolation! Even in a crowded room I can feel so alone, and when I'm by myself I feel rejected, abandoned, left behind.
Today I came to the realization that I simply CANNOT let anyone in, and I started to wonder why. Maybe because I don't want to draw anyone into the darkness and self hatred within me. Or is it to try and protect myself from being hurt? Or maybe I just want someone to draw me out of myself, and invite me to live in THEIR heart.
Whatever it is, all I know is that I feel like an empty shell, a bitter outcast. And that the deeper I sink into this pit of despair, the more undesirable of a person I become to be around! I give up!

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs.

Don't give up.

[Mountainbard]

Alone, isolation is the default state of being for us in the 21st century. Surrounded by media and technology, we are more isolated than we have ever been-- even in crowded rooms. I think those of who feel this most keenly are like canaries in the coal mine-- warning society at large how dangerous and dysfunctional our isolation from one another is. That's why places like PC are so important. Here we can connect with others and in so doing be drawn out of ourselves. And we connect with others here by giving and receiving. That's an important step on the road to finding someone who will invite us to live in their heart. You're not an outcast. You can choose to be a victim, or to be a fighter. I hope you will choose to be a fighter, and even though you say you give up, you haven't as long as you remain involved here. Sending you all kinds of good energy.

[Alone & confused]

Thanks to you both, but this EXISTENCE I call LIFE isn't worth fighting for.

[Ocean Swimmer]

This feeling will pass. I promise. I've suffered since I was very young. But I've also had a satisfying life. Probably better than most because the mania before it gets out of control,can be so exhilarating.
Please see a pdoc. Meds can help. Sometimes we are on the wrong meds.

Alone and confused, it sounds like a vicious cycle but it is one that can be broken. If you have a dog go outside and walk it. The animal can get you to interact outdoors, and talk to passers by. You can learn a new felt energy and happiness being around others with a service animal by your side. Dogs are wonderful for therapy, recovery. Many people have met their friends and spouses walking a dog. You never know! Blessings

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Maybe because I don't want to draw anyone into the darkness and self hatred within me. Or is it to try and protect myself from being hurt? Or maybe I just want someone to draw me out of myself, and invite me to live in THEIR heart.

Those are very good questions to ask yourself. You need to love yourself first. A good therapist can help with that. You need to be gentle with yourself, have compassion for yourself, forgive yourself. Stop the negative self-talk that says you are worthless and unlovable. You're worth loving. But it has to start with you loving you.

Love always involves risk. You make yourself vulnerable to another person. It takes self-confidence and some guts to do that. If you love yourself better you can weather the blows when things don't work out.

I had to do a lot of work before I was able to love myself, and there are still moments when it doesn't happen. But I'm in a much better headspace today, and the inner critics don't bother me much anymore.

[Alone & confused]

Thanks to all of you! I know you're all right, and that soon I'll be switching over to mania and that I'll be headstrong and determined again. But I also know that I'll ALWAYS wind back up HERE....in the depressive state and I HATE that! It's just the rules of the bipolar "game" until I find the right meds. And to do that, I have to find a Dr that's not a complete walking void! Believe me, I've been through countless Drs, pdocs, counselors throughout my life. Eventually I give up hope on THEM too! Sometimes I just feel like I'd rather stay at "the crash site" than to get too high and have to experience the fall over and over again. I just want off of this Damn rollercoaster!

[intergalactictraveler]

Alone & confused,

As you've read, you're not truly alone. I'm in a marriage that was never good and my wife, who has an undiagnosed mood problem, along with alcohol addiction and sexual hang ups, has been barely supportive and understanding. And I've lost two of my closest friends; one to a heart attack and one who has cut all ties to family and friends due to mental illness. I feel quite alone most of the time. Living in my crowded, sleep deprived brain isn't what I call living but as difficult as my life is, I'm going to hold onto the sucker. I've written it before: Dead is forever. I'd rather be, metaphorically speaking, bloodied, bruised and alive from the pounding that I take from bipolar illness.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

Alone & confused,

As you've read, you're not truly alone. I'm in a marriage that was never good and my wife, who has an undiagnosed mood problem, along with alcohol addiction and sexual hang ups, has been barely supportive and understanding. And I've lost two of my closest friends; one to a heart attack and one who has cut all ties to family and friends due to mental illness. I feel quite alone most of the time. Living in my crowded, sleep deprived brain isn't what I call living but as difficult as my life is, I'm going to hold onto the sucker. I've written it before: Dead is forever. I'd rather be, metaphorically speaking, bloodied, bruised and alive from the pounding that I take from bipolar illness.

Thanks! My "boyfriend", if you can call him that, is less than clueless about what this is like for me. I don't feel as though we have any real connection at all on an emotional level. I feel as though I barely know him either. I've always been conveniently excluded from spending time with him and his family and friends. Somehow he makes this MY FAULT for not going, but I can tell I'm not really welcomed by him. And He uses my depression as an excuse saying that I "just don't WANT to do anything"! Like I made this decision to be completely miserable!
I'm sorry your relationship is bad too!

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Thanks to all of you! I know you're all right, and that soon I'll be switching over to mania and that I'll be headstrong and determined again. But I also know that I'll ALWAYS wind back up HERE....in the depressive state and I HATE that! It's just the rules of the bipolar "game" until I find the right meds. And to do that, I have to find a Dr that's not a complete walking void! Believe me, I've been through countless Drs, pdocs, counselors throughout my life. Eventually I give up hope on THEM too! Sometimes I just feel like I'd rather stay at "the crash site" than to get too high and have to experience the fall over and over again. I just want off of this Damn rollercoaster!

I feel exactly the same way. I am stuck in a depression that I know will end but I also know it will come back! Nothing seems to change that no matter what I try.

[ablankscript]

Sometimes for big changes to occur we have to take big chances and put alot on the line. But it is so hard for a person with anxiety and depression to push themselves to be able to take any risks. In a way it reminds me of the movie of "the girl next door." It is too easy to just fall into The typical life of working a 9-5 for a paycheck in order to pay the bill. Then they entertain themselves with superficial friends superficial entertainment, living vicariously through
Hollywood. I have been living what you have described, I see no point to anything. I have forced so many things in my life that I don't even have any accomplishments that I am truly proud of, there is nothing interesting to do other than what I have to do. Even in crowded places I feel like I can hear a pin drop because I feel so isolated and distant from everyone else. Sorry I really have no answers for you other than telling you that you aren't alone and maybe look into stoic philosophy.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by ablankscript

Sometimes for big changes to occur we have to take big chances and put alot on the line. But it is so hard for a person with anxiety and depression to push themselves to be able to take any risks. In a way it reminds me of the movie of "the girl next door." It is too easy to just fall into The typical life of working a 9-5 for a paycheck in order to pay the bill. Then they entertain themselves with superficial friends superficial entertainment, living vicariously through
Hollywood. I have been living what you have described, I see no point to anything. I have forced so many things in my life that I don't even have any accomplishments that I am truly proud of, there is nothing interesting to do other than what I have to do. Even in crowded places I feel like I can hear a pin drop because I feel so isolated and distant from everyone else. Sorry I really have no answers for you other than telling you that you aren't alone and maybe look into stoic philosophy.

It's ok that you don't have any answers for me. Just knowing you "get it" and that I'm not alone in this helps me to know that IT IS in fact, part of this illness and NOT a character flaw of my own. So many times people will try to make it seem like it's (you) not your mental illness causing us to be difficult to get along with. And all that does is push us further into isolation. It's not helpful in any way to affix common sense answers to a complex problem such as this! We cannot simply "think happy thoughts, get out and go do things, just smile and be happy" when in the grip of debilitating depression. Normal people don't get that. They don't know why it's so hard. And we can't really adequately explain it in terms they'd understand! Their advice is like standing in front of someone who's paralyzed with two broken legs and telling them to simply "get up and walk! It's easy. Just do what I do." RIGHT! For them maybe! Anyway, I'm ranting again and all I really wanted to say is thank you for posting!

[Alone & confused]

And.....here we go! We all new this was coming! Depression to anxious- anxious to full blown anxiety attack- anxiety to completely livid- livid to mania!
I am HELL-BENT on getting my life in order today, and God help anyone who gets in my way!

[gonetomaui]

Alone and confused.

I totally get what you are saying.

I really believe this about myself, as well. Wondering if I will ever really let anyone in. I just wrote a new thread titled "friends". I only know relationships based on drama/addiction like my parents were.

Now i basically have shoved everyone out. There is no one left.

Now it's time to start OVER again. i'm sober and now newly medicated. I know things will be better now, as far as, relationships go. It just seems like so much work. I'm literally at ground zero.

[intergalactictraveler]

Your 'boyfriend' is no friend. Truly, it's better to be alone, than with someone who is clueless and unsupportive.

[intergalactictraveler]

If I was stable, and by that, I mean stable enough to work once again, my life would be much different. My pdoc and I are working on it.

From Jimmy Buffet, 'Breathe In, Breathe Out":

"i bought me a watch from a crazy young man, floating down canal/It doesn't have numbers or moving hands/ It always just says 'Now'.

Now you might be thinking that I was had, but this watch is never wrong/For if you have troubles, the warranty says/Breathe in, breathe out, move on."

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

Your 'boyfriend' is no friend. Truly, it's better to be alone, than with someone who is clueless and unsupportive.

Yeah. I mean, he does whatever he can to help me financially ( and I DO appreciate that tremendously!), but he acts as though that should be enough to show he cares and that he loves me. He just doesn't get that women are more emotional. We need things of an intimate nature, like time, attention, compassion, understanding, listening. You CAN'T BUY those things! And they are just as important! One can find a roommate to spilt the bills with, or you could have meaningless sex. But it's the more meaningful, deep connections that make great relationships! THAT'S what I want and need in my life! So far my crazy episodes haven't driven him away, so he's got some sort of tolerance because I've REALLY put him to the test a LOT I know! But there's that one thing missing!

[suezq927]

Be glad he has that tolerance and is still there for you after all of the episodes you've had. Has he ever gone to your T with you to speak about the emotional needs/wants you have? Being that the other species doesn't always get what the other needs is the gap you speak of. If you've tried to communicate these needs, you may be better off without him and need to move on for your mental health. A lot of us have low self esteem and think what we have is the best we can get. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you don't love yourself, it's hard for others to do so.....I've recently chased my bf of 4 years away bc he couldn't handle my episodes any longer...it hurts like hell right now, but it may be the best thing that happens to me....

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

If I was stable, and by that, I mean stable enough to work once again, my life would be much different. My pdoc and I are working on it.

From Jimmy Buffet, 'Breathe In, Breathe Out":

"i bought me a watch from a crazy young man, floating down canal/It doesn't have numbers or moving hands/ It always just says 'Now'.

Now you might be thinking that I was had, but this watch is never wrong/For if you have troubles, the warranty says/Breathe in, breathe out, move on."

I wish I could work too! Maybe I would feel less of a waste of space if I could be a productive member of society again. Not to mention the financial help it would bring. There are SO MANY THINGS I wish I could change! I keep thinking "if I could get just ONE break, change ONE thing about my circumstances, it would open the door to a new life and new opportunities!" I keep tearing my proverbial house apart, looking for the "key" to unlock the door that's holding me captive to my own prison. But when you need to use your MIND to make decisions, to figure things out, and your mind is BROKEN......what do you do then??

[DesigningWoman]

I wonder with your boyfriend if you aren't expecting too much. It sounds like you are a bit like me. No one is right because he or she doesn't meet every one of my needs. But your significant other is a person too with many needs of his own. I know I can't meet every one of another person's needs. That would be insanely exhausting.

While couple's counseling might be helpful, I would recommend trying to see things from his perspective. No matter how hard he tries, he will never truly understand your illness or your pain. He can't completely share it. He may may be worried about you constantly. He may even wish he could take your illness on.

Also, something I found helpful is having a diverse group of friends and family. Each person meets a need in me, but no one person is responsible for being everything to me.
For instance, my best friend has mental illness too (we met in an informal support group). I go to him to have conversations with someone who totally understands the way I speak and what I mean. I have a religious person who meets my need for deep talks about the spiritual. I have a therapist to help me work on me. Etc.

I know it's tough to find people when you don't feel well. However it's highly worth making the effort. I try for diversity in experiences, ages, interests, and backgrounds. I try and not overwhelm any one person with all my needs and expectations.

Well, my thoughts and experiences

Keep struggling the good struggle. Never give up.

DW

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by DesigningWoman

I wonder with your boyfriend if you aren't expecting too much. It sounds like you are a bit like me. No one is right because he or she doesn't meet every one of my needs. But your significant other is a person too with many needs of his own. I know I can't meet every one of another person's needs. That would be insanely exhausting.

While couple's counseling might be helpful, I would recommend trying to see things from his perspective. No matter how hard he tries, he will never truly understand your illness or your pain. He can't completely share it. He may may be worried about you constantly. He may even wish he could take your illness on.

Also, something I found helpful is having a diverse group of friends and family. Each person meets a need in me, but no one person is responsible for being everything to me.
For instance, my best friend has mental illness too (we met in an informal support group). I go to him to have conversations with someone who totally understands the way I speak and what I mean. I have a religious person who meets my need for deep talks about the spiritual. I have a therapist to help me work on me. Etc.

I know it's tough to find people when you don't feel well. However it's highly worth making the effort. I try for diversity in experiences, ages, interests, and backgrounds. I try and not overwhelm any one person with all my needs and expectations.

Well, my thoughts and experiences

Keep struggling the good struggle. Never give up.

DW

I understand what you're saying, but all I really ask from him is to understand that I'm not like him. I can't always just rise to every occasion the way he does. I'm not always comfortable going out and doing all the things he likes to do. But he makes me feel guilty for the limitations my illness causes me as if it were MY CHOICE. And he never tries to compromise with me by doing things that I AM comfortable with. He acts as though my only problem is a bad attitude. He has no idea how bad I would like to be able, CAPABLE of enjoying life again! He has even mocked me for having to take meds just to try to BE a more normal person. If he would just TRY to understand how hard this is for me, I would see HIM in a different light and not be such a horrible person to him. But when I feel as though I'm being judged and ridiculed over something beyond my control, I shut down, get defensive, and act out of hurt. He is too wrapped up in his own happiness to even consider working together as a couple on our problems. In his mind, he KNOWS what's wrong, and it's ME!
And you're right about the diverse friends. I do have friends like that for those same reasons. But he even gives me a hard time about them too sometimes saying that I'd rather spend time with them! Well, yeah, sometimes I would because they don't judge and they understand me. They LISTEN when I need someone to talk to and don't say things like, "I don't want to hear all of that!" And he has even mocked them at times, and tried to make me feel bad for spending time with them. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by suezq927

Be glad he has that tolerance and is still there for you after all of the episodes you've had. Has he ever gone to your T with you to speak about the emotional needs/wants you have? Being that the other species doesn't always get what the other needs is the gap you speak of. If you've tried to communicate these needs, you may be better off without him and need to move on for your mental health. A lot of us have low self esteem and think what we have is the best we can get. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you don't love yourself, it's hard for others to do so.....I've recently chased my bf of 4 years away bc he couldn't handle my episodes any longer...it hurts like hell right now, but it may be the best thing that happens to me....

I don't have a T. Our local clinic burned down. And before that they had trouble keeping people working there. About the time you get comfortable with a T or a psychiatrist, they would quit or change jobs, so I stopped going. I doubt he would go anyway. I am amazed that he's stuck around through it all, but for some reason, it also makes me suspicious as to WHY he does! He can't possibly be happy with this person I've become lately! I know I'M not happy with me! I've told him he could just go several times if he wasn't happy, but he won't go.

[intergalactictraveler]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I wish I could work too! Maybe I would feel less of a waste of space if I could be a productive member of society again. Not to mention the financial help it would bring. There are SO MANY THINGS I wish I could change! I keep thinking "if I could get just ONE break, change ONE thing about my circumstances, it would open the door to a new life and new opportunities!" I keep tearing my proverbial house apart, looking for the "key" to unlock the door that's holding me captive to my own prison. But when you need to use your MIND to make decisions, to figure things out, and your mind is BROKEN......what do you do then??

I struggle day and night, endlessly and obsessively, looking for that same key. My wife doesn't 'get it'. She's a self proclaimed Buddhist but she exhibits little compassion for me. My T , pdoc and primary have advised me to focus on myself and not waste time on trying to deal with her. I'm actually doing it and fwiw, following that advice has given me a tiny bit more control over my life. It's a hard road we're all on. Lao Tzu, the Chinese philosopher, wrote, "If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you anxious, you're living in the future. If you are calm, you are living in the moment." That moment doesn't have to be good, but claim it and hold onto it. It's part of the unique, one of a kind person, each of us are and to deny a part of yourself is to deny your whole being and existence.

[jacky8807]

Alone
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Been there many times
Your boyfriend by blocking out deoressive talk may be doing this as a mechanism in self protection. Some ppl do it so they dont soak in the feelings of others. I GET it and STILL have to protect myself sometimes
Some ppl are just like that naturally.....my 15, yr old son wants NOTHING to do with bad news lol
Also things can change.
I was ready to give up and never work again after these past six months andvgo disability. But things turned around and inner strength came and I decided I wanted to have more money for my son's so I am going back to work
But if you can't do that ...then that's OK too. Many ppl cant
I hope you find happiness soon!