(paranoia) ... :/

going to pdoc appt tomorrow. i've not been totally honest with her over the years about my level of paranoia.
i'm so paranoid that i will probably delete this before the people watching us on here have time to track me. (challenging this belief - logically probably not that many people would really spend time in here lurking and watching us (?) i hope?)
i have left this forum twice now because i thought it was too public and i would be found out. (challenging this thought: in my heart i don't really give a **** what people know or think about me, if they found out i'm bp and are unkind to me for it, wouldn't need them in my life anyway) (another challenge to this thought - if "they" are watching me they probably don't see me as a threat to any national security because i'm just the poor sorry bp mess). But - what if they send more mind control on me, what if i crack and can't handle it and get locked up
how much paranoia is expected with bp? she has told me it is expected with a busy mind. she has told me even hearing your name or songs looping or phrases repeating are expected with a busy mind. she told me i do not have schizophrenia, and that we would know by now if i did.
Only one time i heard a voice, a creepy voice say a weird thing - i'm too paranoid to even repeat it. i was at a public place where the electricity went on the fritz and car alarms went off. i thought the voice was from the radio in the store. i posted about it here but it was several years ago & it's gone of course, i would have had proof that i experienced it. the next day a terrible thing happened, or supposedly happened, it could've been a hoax. i thought it was a regular random psychic moment, altho upsetting, why did i need to know that horrible thing was going to happen. then recently i found all this info and people proving that horrible thing didnt really happen. the school wasnt even open at the time, there's all this proof it did not really happen and i read about mind control and project mk ultra, started going down the rabbit hole. but the consequences are severe for speaking out.
what will happen at the appt tomorrow if i tell her about this? will i get a new dx, will i get locked up? the mania is mostly under control with the new meds. i had a horrible day with stress at work & anxiety & then come home to a man who doesn't seem happy to see me. so i can see some agitated hypo is surfacing. i'm tired of the paranoia, i'm sick of being afraid, i want to know the truth. i want the people pulling our strings to be accountable.
sigh..

I'm so, so sorry you're experiencing this amount of paranoia. I get it to from time to time. Maybe not as severe but I get it. It's difficult I hate it. All I've known how to conquer it is using dbt distress tolerance skills. Pretend I'm in the hospital. Take a zyprexa, have chamomile tea, use my essential oils and talk to ppl that really know me and are compassionate and can help me through the difficult time. You know how to reach me. I'm here for you sister. Anytime ok. All my love.

I used to have paranoia before meds and then not that much, at least not in a way that disrupted my lie, until this last year. Seroquel not working, makes sense. And this is the first really bad episode I've done without lithium (we added it in November for 2 months and it did nothing). But anyway, my pdoc said that she thinks the paranoia and even some psychotic symptoms I'd had were more my brain being way too stimulated than necessarily psychosis. She does not know about the bad paranoia in my past; it was before her and then I just didn't tell her because I was too afraid and then it came under control as meds started working and seemed not to matter so much. Back then it stopped me from doing important things like showering because I was terrified of what would happen if I took a shower. I had many other things back then. My mom just was commenting on how much less paranoid overall I've become since moving out of a city or town to the country. I do feel safer here. I grew up in the country (but not in a safe home) so maybe it is that. But regardless I am better here except during parts of this episode when I've been way paranoid. Last summer I stopped at a rest area and a man and woman who were together both somehow struck me as odd. She did something weird with the paper towel dispenser and he was talking really loudly on a cell phone. I got it in my head they were going to grab me and I ran from them, slammed the car door, locked it and raced out of the parking lot to be sure they couldn't follow me. I don't know that they ever even saw me. But I was scared for hours afterward until I was at my sister's house which is also way out in nowhere and nobody could have followed me there. There were more.

So if 2 pdocs say overly busy brain maybe there is something to it? I don't know, I just know I don't want any of it to ever happen again and I really hope this med change slows that part of my brain right back down.

And make sure you are sleeping. Bad sleep means instant paranoia for me. I have been symptom free but have started working 11-7 for past couple weeks. I have been making sure I get sleep but its not always possible to get the right amount. This am at work I started feeling like my new coworkers were laughing behind my back and I by the time I got to dunkin doonuts after i left.....well of course the whole D&D were laughing at me. I felt like Stephen kings CARRIE
"They're all gonna laugh at you!!" Lol
I went to bed and woke up fine
I know science says the circadian rhythm thing is a big part of bipolar and as you said so isn't a brain in overdrive. Sleep helps sooooo much

If only sleep were an easier animal to trap....

Oh I know it. I get better sleep working this 11_7 shift . when I was out of work I would be up all night and then into the day as well. Now I'm up all night but getting some sleep in the day lol

Right - sleep. So important. I am finally sleeping. Been on depakote 3 weeks and seroquel 1 week. Sometimes take half an ambien. I still have a tough time falling asleep at night. And waking up is really tough. I'd like to sleep in more, but work. Pdoc is gonna want me to take a leave and I understand I've been ill and need to heal. I could rest better if I didn't feel so judged by bf. He doesn't understand I'm ill when I don't look physically disabled and I hold a job, so far. Man I sure miss living alone. I really liked my alone time. Ugh I'm really overwhelmed.
I've never shown her any of my posts on here. Maybe I should show her this one? I always forget to say the things I meant to.
I'm terrified my son is using heroin again like I can feel it something is really wrong and there's not a thing I can do.
Other weird paranoias like the fridge closed before I could put the milk back in. I didn't stop it with my foot in time. And that means bad luck. It's so silly but ingrained in me at this point.
I once smashed a mirror cuz I was convinced it had a bad spirit in it who was making my daughter self harm. I wonder if that house I just sold and moved from was haunted and has cursed me for leaving. I hope the family living there now will be ok.
Now my cats are acting crazy running thru the house and the dog is barking maybe an earthquake is coming.

Right - sleep. So important. I am finally sleeping. Been on depakote 3 weeks and seroquel 1 week. Sometimes take half an ambien. I still have a tough time falling asleep at night. And waking up is really tough. I'd like to sleep in more, but work. Pdoc is gonna want me to take a leave and I understand I've been ill and need to heal. I could rest better if I didn't feel so judged by bf. He doesn't understand I'm ill when I don't look physically disabled and I hold a job, so far. Man I sure miss living alone. I really liked my alone time. Ugh I'm really overwhelmed.
I've never shown her any of my posts on here. Maybe I should show her this one? I always forget to say the things I meant to.
I'm terrified my son is using heroin again like I can feel it something is really wrong and there's not a thing I can do.
Other weird paranoias like the fridge closed before I could put the milk back in. I didn't stop it with my foot in time. And that means bad luck. It's so silly but ingrained in me at this point.
I once smashed a mirror cuz I was convinced it had a bad spirit in it who was making my daughter self harm. I wonder if that house I just sold and moved from was haunted and has cursed me for leaving. I hope the family living there now will be ok.
Now my cats are acting crazy running thru the house and the dog is barking maybe an earthquake is coming.

I think if you feel comfortable you should show her.

Thank you. So distress tolerance skills.. I have not done that one before. Would I pretend I'm somewhere doing something soothing? Pick a different reality?

I would quite like a bath actually. But might wake up the bf. And living in his house now he doesn't approve of baths, sees it as wasteful of water

Omg the cat has a mouse, that's what all the ruckus was lol!

EWWWW.....my cat thinks she gets a mouse just about every night but it's the same toy she's been killing for a good 8 years, maybe longer. I'm just glad she feels like playing. She's 20 1/2 years old (the 1/2 matters at her age) and has really bad arthritis. We just got her started on meds for that and they have finally kicked in and she feels like playing again which is great. I want to record her kicking that's mouse's butt but she's been keeping me from succeeding for years now and I have a feeling I'll just have to live with the memory when the day comes. I will probably have one of her mice cremated with her.

But a real mouse.....that she wouldn't have a clue what to do with. Nor would my boy.

Lol yea this is a real mouse, real sounds. Poor lil squeak squeak. I tried to help him get back outside but he hid. We live in the woods so the cats just run on out and find another mouse to bring in to play with. They keep them alive for fun I guess.
I'm sorry about kitty arthritis. Our dog has a spine prob & can't use hind legs .
Thinking about the trouble with falling asleep. I really miss sleeping alone but I had probs sleeping then too. I'm gonna have to take half an ambien. I have to bite them in half they're disgusting.

Well the one that I use is using candles and listening to Sarah McLaughlin, while using my essential oils while drinking chamomile tea. Try to flood the senses. I haven't been that paranoid though in a long time. You can also try grounding skills. They have a good list of them on the PTSD forum.

How are you doing?

I have moments of paranoia. Just try to think super rationally and check with trusted friends or family. Or your P-doc. I ask her the likelihood of certain events to check if I am paranoid.

I have experienced paranoia so bad I was terrified to walk to the mail box twenty feet from the front door once a day. So I do understand. My paranoia is so much better on lithium and with therapy. Something you are doing that is a great sign is that you are challenging your own paranoid thoughts. My therapist is always telling me to do that. Paranoia survives in emotion run amuck and emotional reactivity.
With me, A guy tried to say hi in a coffee shop. I was repeatedly attacked by a male in high school. My paranoia kicks in: This man is going to hurt me and I need to protect myself. He is coming after me. I need to run away.
I can almost hear my therapist saying: really? is this what is really happening? Think it out.
Logically, he was most likely simply trying to be nice. He may have not even wanted to pick me up. He was well within societal bounds to say hi and I am overreacting. Something else she wanted me to do is think Why? Why did I react that way? What is my trigger?
Ok it was my history of abuse. Why else? I am across the street where attacks took place. Etc.
it takes the power from the paranoia and the emotional kick of fear. As you are, Use logic to defuse the intensity. I also use repetitions in my mind to distract me. I recite the alphabet forwards and back. Which is harder than it seems. That grounds me and distracts me from the spiraling paranoia.
I can't say what will happen when you go to your appt. logically no one can, even you. However, no pdoc or therapist no matter how good can help you with what they don't know about.
You are not alone in this struggle.

I think you should show her the message or tell her everything. She can only help with what you tell her. Some of what you are describing can be contributed to OCD Intrusive thoughts. Look that up. I've dealt with this in varying degrees through the years. I start thinking something crazy and start obsessing over it.