[venusss]

No, I am not delusional. Just none of my problems lately relate to ups and downs. I may go up and down, but it doesn't really matter. I do my work, my activism... all the same.

Most of it is trauma related. But I seem to have accumulated lots of over the past two years. I just wonder how does one deal with that, when you are still in the situation.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Well getting a Theripist to explore the trauma.

Or finding a way to remove yourself from the trauma.

[venusss]

None of these are really doable.

I cannot really talk about it with a therapist (don't have any and not sure how to find one to help with my kind of issue).

And no way to remove myself from this. Unless I move far far far away, forget my friends, burn my passport and forget i ever had degree in international relations or that I cared for about the happenings here.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Would a psychiatrist help? I know being an American we look for other solutions.

[venusss]

If I can manage to pretty much get over bipolar without shrinks, I don't see what good they would do for trauma issues and for "it's complicated".

I know you are trying to help, but I just need something out of mainstream to deal with this. Maybe if there were a really good therapist, more of a counselor... that might help. I don't feel like wasting time trying to dig through those that would give me bumper sticker advice or even look down at me.

[Victoria'smom]

Mine have never given advice and they only "look down on me" on paper. Get a T. You've already done all you can to deal with this alone.

I'm in the same boat kinda. My trauma isn't regular trauma either. And the trauma work I've done just made it worse. What has helped me is grounding techniques and distress tolerance skills through dbt. Music has also really helped.

I really admire all the activism you've done and how you're politically active. I really admire that venus. Hang in there. If you go to the ptsd forum they have a page on grounding technique. And just look up dbt distress tolerance skills. I hope I was of some help.

[BlueInanna]

I don't know what the trauma is, I could guess it's very bad. I'm sorry for what you've had to see, I'm sorry for the people suffering you see too. The risk imo is that it can send you into an episode when you've got bp (even non bp people too). So it's a good idea to catch it before it leads to something really bad, like things an episode can cause.
What are you into? Do you have a close friend you can unload and cry to process the trauma? (I don't have many real life people like this personally).
I don't have a therapist right now except mother nature. I went to the trees and cried. What's the point? I asked. She actually gave me an answer.
I went to the ocean and asked questions. She gave me answers.
I especially like to find an isolated psychic vortex type of location and connect, ask for healing, ask what to do with the heavy weights on my mind.
I go out to look at the moon and stars, I get filled up on mama love from the moon. It's very personal, but sometimes it's like she/ the moon is the only one who gets me & sees my pain.
I had a mindfulness therapist in the past who helped me get some really profound insight. It's not talk therapy, it was about tuning into my body & aura. It got too deep and I split from the sessions after a year. Thinking about going back again now though.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Mine have never given advice and they only "look down on me" on paper. Get a T. You've already done all you can to deal with this alone.

Not sure one can ever say they done all they can to help themselves. I feel I certainly can't.

I am not so much worried a T would "look down at me" because of my psych issues... again that is not really the problem lately. But judging how many people react to what I do, judging my the comments I read on debate forums under news articles that talk about the happenings and events in which I was involved, by the hate mail I occasionally get... I just worry a potential T might be one of those people. Sure I might test them first my marching in wrapped in Ukrainian flag... but i bet some of them would judge as sign of manic episode or something.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by rose1985

I'm in the same boat kinda. My trauma isn't regular trauma either. And the trauma work I've done just made it worse. What has helped me is grounding techniques and distress tolerance skills through dbt. Music has also really helped.

I really admire all the activism you've done and how you're politically active. I really admire that venus. Hang in there. If you go to the ptsd forum they have a page on grounding technique. And just look up dbt distress tolerance skills. I hope I was of some help.

Thanks. That is actually a good advice. I might practice these, intestead of going into self-pity and thinking up disaster scenarios and THEN bringing them up to my friends who will add more horrible thoughts onto it. It's not fair to them either.

[venusss]

I don't know what the trauma is, I could guess it's very bad. I'm sorry for what you've had to see, I'm sorry for the people suffering you see too. The risk imo is that it can send you into an episode when you've got bp (even non bp people too). So it's a good idea to catch it before it leads to something really bad, like things an episode can cause.

I wouldn't say it's that bad... but who knows. Quite a few people I known did crumble under the pressure.
So I guess it's bad in its own way.

What are you into? Do you have a close friend you can unload and cry to process the trauma? (I don't have many real life people like this personally).

Honestly, I lately have no "normal" friends. We talk, but some of them have been through much worse (after all my city is not bombed, evacuated of all normal people and under control of separatists yet; I have no serious war wounds and all that). So I rather try to be the happy and cheerful one for them. Maybe it is taking bit toll on me.

I don't have a therapist right now except mother nature. I went to the trees and cried. What's the point? I asked. She actually gave me an answer.
I went to the ocean and asked questions. She gave me answers.
I especially like to find an isolated psychic vortex type of location and connect, ask for healing, ask what to do with the heavy weights on my mind.
I go out to look at the moon and stars, I get filled up on mama love from the moon. It's very personal, but sometimes it's like she/ the moon is the only one who gets me & sees my pain.

It's too cold and rainy these days to go to the nature... though maybe I could go to some other magical places in PRG. Lately I been going only on protests and events and pickets. Really, I created a whole alternative map. I realized I don't even call some places by their real name anymore.

So maybe I do need more me time and more time to just enjoy the beauty of things.


Thanks a lot. This helped somewhat.

[venusss]

Anyways gotten a journal book for writting down stuff specially related to my activisty doings. All the things I cannot tell anybody. Maybe it will help somewhat.

I need to write down the good moments too, because there are many. Just one sometimes forgets about them when things get rough.

[Trippin2.0]

So sorry to hear you're in a tough spot V.


Writing has been very cathartic for me, it has helped me process some tough stuff.


I'm also a huge fan of me time, whether I practice mindfulness or just allow myself to be.


Sure I could work on the tough stuff in T, and we do address it, but I don't want trauma to be the focal point of my therapy (plus I have a limited time frame and more pressing things to work on) and my T knows this.

That's why he encourages me to journal.


I hope you discover the outlet that works best for you.

[venusss]

Thanks Trippin'. You are always so nice and understanding.

Do you have any special methodology of journaling? Or do you just write stuff down? I wonder if there are some guidelines one could use, so I fully dig into it.

[Trippin2.0]

I basically freestyle, my most effective method is storytelling, if I'm a bit hypo it even comes out as a play. With number of acts, scenes, spotlights, curtain calls and all. Instead of actors entering stage left or whatever, I'd have a mood, emotion or event. Lol


When I'm depressed though, I notice my writing is a bit more clinical, still a story telling feel, but with bullet points, subheadings and such...


You're most welcome glad I could be of assistance, hope you know you can PM me anytime.


PS when I get stuck, I just write down whichever random words come to mind first, then I take it from there...

[venusss]

PS when I get stuck, I just write down whichever random words come to mind first, then I take it from there...

thanks again. I might do this. I used to write dada poetry. This time it's gonna be more ****ed up.

And your scenarios/plays sound very creative....

[BlueInanna]

Hey Venus, i was really inspired when maybe another post you said your journal had sections for different stuff. the nail polish super fun. can i steal/borrow that idea? i was thinking i could even do that in a store, take a little sample who'd know. i want a section of inspiring things to look at. take a leaf or flower from here or there and glue it in. affirmations, quotes i like. Maybe write a note about at least one beautiful thing i can find in my surroundings.
It's time for me to start a journal that i don't tear up or burn. Or maybe fill it up and burn next winter. i used to have a group of women we'd make a broom for the new year and burn it the following winter solstice.

[venusss]

You are free to use my ideas as inspiration... or however you like.

(and honestly, sparkly nailpolish is my tiny coping mechanism. If things go wrong, i look at my sparkly nails.... and feel teeny bit better.)

[venusss]

Seems this is a week of deep sadness (not depression, real, mourning like sadness). I am ****ing sad, angry, realizing how powerless one is sometimes.

I tried to do a good deed, but somehow stuck on the process.

Need to do translate some stuff for my activism, but it seems triggering and then I go to "well, what's the point anyways... not like I am gonna fix that particular issue...".

And maybe I am unnecesarily torturing myself by what I call revolution tunes...

And the everyday stuff seems so pointless. So shallow. In a way, it is making me angry.

[venusss]

So today I learned few things:

- I was not the only was who spend this week depressed and moping over tragedies. Last Sunday was too much for more people and when I said I had hard time coping, people were understanding.

- There are good people in Prague. Some of them wear colorful mohawks. And all are willing to stand up for things. So maybe I don't have to feel alone. Maybe it's easier to be brave in a large group. Worst feeling is feeling alone.

- It's totally okay to be vulnerable. And to admit it.

- There are people who are more paranoid then I am.

- People think I am great and courageous. Except those who think I am Judeofascist treasonous ***** and that I should die. But can you take a person who thinks "judeofascist" is a thing seriously?

- Any protest march is more kickass if you blare some techno. (though not sure how could that work on commemorations).

[venusss]

I realized I cannot take a break. Not only things are kinda busy in my paid jobs...

Getting ready for event that to save Nadyia Savchenko. As if. That woman decided to die. I guess there is something admirable in her stance, wanting to die as free and unbroken person.... but it's just so sad. She is a symbol already.... the world would benefit from her alive. Sent a (drunken) late Friday night e-mail to our prime minister, to please do something...

'I Will Return To Ukraine, Dead Or Alive' -- Savchenko's Unspoken Last Words In Russian Court
(here is her "last word" letter/appeal. Intense words.)

I guess I should find this inspiring, but gah.

Had a talk about how tragedies make us strong with a friend. I just hope I do have enough courage and strenght.