They watch me

So now that my house has been cleared and cleansed I know what I've seen inside was spirit because it's gone. Not even my kids see it anymore. What I see trying to get in and watching me is my hallucination. Today I had to fight the urge not to enclose the living room so I couldn't see the kitchen or front door. That's the only place I see it watching me. Could this be because of the years I spent shut off from the world? Scared and worried when he would return home? Looking through the kitchen window staring at the front door? I've been out of that abusive relationship for ten years now and have a wonderful husband. Could this be a form of ptsd? I don't see things from any other window but those two. I keep my pistols close by incase anyone comes up the drive ( we live in country at least 30 minutes from emergency services) anytime someone comes to my driveway I don't know I meet them outside away from my family with my sidearm in place. I'm always calm and polite and never threatening but inside I feel like everyone is coming to attack me so I have to show that I am ready to defend myself.
Just so u know out here it's very common to carry weapons and as a sahm out in the boonies not one person has been surprised or scared or anything but polite back. I just don't know if my feelings are justified or leftover from prior abuse especially with the hallucinations.



No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

I'm going to go out on a limb and call that PTSD but maybe a form of psychosis if you're having hallucinations. I would call pdoc and talk to a T about your issues left over from your past. Im sorry you went through that. I also meet people outside when they come by. I'm weird about having people in my personal space. But please be careful with the gun lol. Can't do that around my city.

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We are in a small population 300 farming community. I lived around here of and on my whole life. We hunt for our food and start gun safety with the children at a young age. Everything is locked up and is only loaded when in use. We are very diligent about safety safey safety! I'm only 34 and when I was in highschool we were still allowed gunracks in our pickups and everyone had rifles on school property. So around here it's not an issue. Most of the time the people coming up the drive are lost hunters that have their own rifles with them. That's worries me cause lately we been getting a lot of out of town Hunters looking for properties they leased to hunt on.

Anyway that's just a picture of our way of life. I've never put together what aftershocks I may have had from the past relationship. Just thought all was due to being bipolar. Is paranoia in general a symptom? I already know I have auditory and visual hallucinations. I'm still aware enough when they happen to pull myself in and remain calm. Will they get worse to where I can't control the anxiety of it anymore? Today was the first time ever that I had to talk myself out of being completely irrational and putting curtains up all over the living room. I feel the need to even cover the walls to be safe. Wtf is wrong? Am I stepping into an episode? I'm trying to recognize and overcome. I didn't realize my fear went so deep.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

Hallucinating is a pretty serious issue and usually a sign of psychosis. I imagine it would take awhile before they stop without a proper AP that works for you. If your already on a AP then it's probably not working anymore and that does happen. Happened with mine. I often have to change meds because mine just lose their effectiveness. And as far as the anxiety goes, mine did get worst as I got older and my MI (I have PTSD too) progressed. It didn't help that I would quit my meds all the time because I convinced myself I was "ok". Huge mistake. I often wonder if it will always be this bad forever now. It's a good thing that you're at least aware of these issues and that you know they aren't real. Honestly I would probably go to IP at that point though.

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Just out of curiosity what type of visual hallucinations do you have? I've experienced audio and visual hallucinations a couple of times and I think they were due to a combination of mania, med withdrawal, sleep deprivation, and (in one instance) substance abuse ... very unpleasant and scary stuff.

Background- dealt with undiagnosed MI most of life probably all. Started mood stabilizer and anitanxiety in November because I finally took my husband in with me n got someone to listen. I'm not ready to see a t or psyc doc yet deep trust issues. Took 6 years just to return to doc about mi. Because I've lived with these symtoms so long I'm very aware of how to hide them from children so the storm inside doesn't touch them. I'm currently learning how to recognize the symptoms from a bipolar perspective and finally broke through my journaling barrier last night. My husband helps me through and I am slowly gaining the courage to call the t. I have the person and the number.

Visual hallucinations- I see people walking outside my home. Past my kitchen window or peeking into the front door. I know it's not real and normally I just ignore it but yesterday the feelings it evoked were fear and ocd to cover the living room. When I wrote my mind down most of what came out was cover the walls cover the walls but once I journaled it the thoughts were gone my hubby read it we discussed my feelings of being attacked and my family harmed. We talked about what safety nets I have in place to protect my family and he reminded me that I am a strong able woman and we can get through this.

Audio- I hear music like a radio covered in thick translucent green slime playing really loud this usually comes during times of high anxiety physical stress since I keep my environment fairly stable I don't here it as often as I did when I was working.

They really don't bother me because I'm used to them. It's the feelings they invoke. And then rxqueen...if mi progresses as a norm in general as I've seen mine do over the last year just plummet. Where does that leave us? K I'm done I gotta switch back to positive information seeking learn journal and overcome.

I will mention ptsd in my journal along with this episode. When I do finally see a t that's what I'm taking in cause my brain. can't explain this crap. Gotta take medical notes on myself.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

don't want to be a wet blanket , my background , been a shooter for 52 years since I was 6 when I got my first gun ... 13 years as a nra instructor for boy scouts ... I say this to say that ... please lock that gun away ... buy pepper spray or get a dog ... but if your seeing things , please lock that sucker away ...

I've seen things for a long time now I have a medical backround and am ex military. Working as an mp for a few years of that. I've done competitive shooting and am a sharpshooter. I've never had a misfire in my 25 years experience. I know you all are envisioning a crazy lady with a weapon going batshit. That's not the case. It actually calms me to know I am able to protect myself if needed. I can calmly approach a situation and diffuse or clear my home and area. My pistols and weapons are tools just like kitchen knives or screwdrivers they have a purpose and there is a time to use them and a time not to. We hunt to put food on the table that is how I am able to stay home as a mother of 4. We have 275 acres of farm and timber. We have bobcats Cougars and coyotes and sometimes they come into the yard. Emergency services are at best 30 minutes away. Did I mention my ex tried to kill me several times when we were together? My situation is a lot more complex than can be written. Repeating I may be newly diagnosed but I've dealt with mi for most of my life learning how to control it and what is real and what isn't. I am aware there will be a time that the lines will blurt more but for now I am trying to learn to recognize and overcome. yesterday I learned I have an unnecessary fear of being hurt or my family being hurt. That brings on anxiety which brings on everything else. I am calmed only by the fact that I am skilled enough to protect myself and my family. I was simply trying to get accrossed how bad my fear of harm is not start a debate about gun safety. It is and will always be a way of life for us. We aren't city people. We are God fearing country to the heart.

So my main question was is this unnecessary fear of harm a form of ptsd from trauma of past relationship? Are there different levels of ptsd? Is it possible for it to manifest years after the trauma or since I'm just starting to organize my symptoms I just didn't realize it?

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!