[CycloMary]

I have always been an uptight perfectionist until the past 5 yrs.
So the first half of my daughter's life, I was always...don't do this, don't touch that. A complete hoverer. Always protecting to the extreme.
I love her but I never felt that deep motherly bond that I think mom's are supposed to feel.
I didn't understand it & was afraid to ask anyone for fear of being judged.
Now, I am more laid back, more fun loving, more unrestricted. She is a great kid & very well behaved.
But only recently have I started to feel a bond with her.

I've never understood it. I was never raised around kids & didn't really have a desire to have any. I had a horrific childhood & never wanted to harm another helpless human.

I feel like an awful human & mom.

Is this a bipolar thing? Not being able to bond? Or is it from all my other issues?
Maybe it is a fear of getting close to her & failing at my job? I don't know.
Thoughts?

Maybe you were unconsciously trying not to bond because of all of the pain you had in your childhood? It's very common for children who have been abused to develop attachment issues. These can definitely last up until adulthood. You not being able to bond might just be a defensive measure so you don't get hurt, like you have before?
The important thing is that you are beginning to bond now. You can't do anything about the past you can only move forward. Beating yourself up about it won't do you or your child any good.

[wildflowerchild25]

I think your inability to bond is a trauma issue from your own bad childhood, not bipolar. That's something you'll have to work on in therapy. It took me awhile to want kids because of what I went through. Then I overwhelmingly wanted them to "fix" what happened to me. Now I have one and I feel awful because I'm repeating the same mistakes, and LIFE is repeating the same mistakes (I lost my father and now my husband is dead so my son's father's gone too). It's hard but there's nothing I can do about it now. I think you gotta just keep talking about it in therapy.

[smallwonderer]

Originally Posted by CycloMary

I love her but I never felt that deep motherly bond that I think mom's are supposed to feel.
I didn't understand it & was afraid to ask anyone for fear of being judged.
Now, I am more laid back, more fun loving, more unrestricted. She is a great kid & very well behaved.
But only recently have I started to feel a bond with her.
...
I feel like an awful human & mom.

It sounds to me like you have started to feel that bond. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a little more distant, especially if you have your own issues. There are so many ways to mess up parenting, and lots of the worst parents probably feel like they've done nothing wrong.

I don't know if this is the case with you, but because in some of my moods I feel such "intense" feelings for people, I think I got in my head that if I didn't feel that about someone turned up that high all the time (or even 40% of that), it wasn't enough. What you describe - you love her, you looked out for her, she's a great kid. That sounds like a great parent to me.

I think what is bipolar is the tendency to want to hate ourselves for some perceived inadequacies that may not even be there. I can't give advice there - when I find myself doing that (about anything) though I try to remind myself at least to start that there's no upside to indulging those feelings.

[CycloMary]

Thank you for all your replies.

Wildflower, I am so sorry for the heartache you are going through. That is beyond difficult.

Smallwonder, thank you for the complement. I think you are right. I do feel I'm never good enough but the proof is in the pudding, as they say.
I look at her & am amazed at how awesome she is. I think it's by happenstance but I guess I had a little to do with it

Originally Posted by CycloMary

...I've never understood it. I was never raised around kids & didn't really have a desire to have any. I had a horrific childhood & never wanted to harm another helpless human.

I feel like an awful human & mom.

Is this a bipolar thing? Not being able to bond? Or is it from all my other issues?
Maybe it is a fear of getting close to her & failing at my job? I don't know.
Thoughts?

Firstly: You're not an awful person or mom. I think the difficulty is probably an effect of how you grew up. For which you are not to blame. It is hard to overcome. What I found left me at the most loss was what to DO. I knew what I DIDN'T want to do. People who didn't experience such things growing up cannot seem to grasp this void. It's NOT obvious! It DOESN'T necessarily come naturally! Sure, one can know in concept, but it is how to enact what will bring that about. What's worse -- and maybe for you too? -- is not even realizing this until you are in the midst of it. Like not foreseeing or fully understanding that gap. And like you say, in seeking to understand, fear judgement.

Like you, I didn't grow up with babies/kids. Never babysat. Not once. Had zero affinity for babies, even as a youngster. Example: in early elementary school, a teacher brought in her baby. The other kids all gathered around oogling and cooing. I was off to the side, not having a clue what possessed them to do this. All these memories came flooding back when I had my own. I have no business having a kid! What have I done?!!! (I feel the fear of judgment writing that even now.)

But he is grown up now. And I do love him dearly (despite still feeling inept). When he was a kid, it was hard. Sometimes more, sometimes less, often about parental role things (parent-teacher conferences for example). I couldn't relate to other parents. Hopefully you can't relate to these parts. But if you can,

He's got a good heart. One time he said, "You're not like other mothers. You're.... different. It's good though" (and proceeded with why he thought so). Just throwing that your way to let you know it can all turn out alright. They can feel our trying. They have more ability to see the good than we do sometimes.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

CycloMary- I just want to thank you for having the balls to speak about this.

I've wanted to post something exactly like this for so long. But I was afraid at the backlash. So here goes my story...

My bf and I have been together for two years. For about the first year he was going through his divorce so we thought it best not to bring his kids around until it all settled and custody of the two boys were figured out. One son lived with his ex wife and another lived with my bf's mom. Well last summer when the dust settled, I was able to meet the children. I was nervous as hell because I know kids have no filter and if they didn't like me, I would be told so. But thankfully the relationship turned to hugs and kisses and more play dates!

As of now, the mother has full custody of the 6 year old and the 9 year old lives with my bf and I in my home. We switch weekends and every other Wednesday and the boys are together these days. Don't get me wrong, they're great kids and there's many hugs and kisses and "I love you's" going around. But deep within I don't feel the motherly vibe. I do care about them and love them and we do a lot together but it's just not there. Am I a bad person because of this? At least I don't neglect them or act like the evil step mom! They know I love them. They're told often. And no I don't have kids of my own so I really don't know what that motherly vibe even feels like.

This makes me feel guilty. Like I'm not putting 100% but believe me, I am putting in all that I can. I'm trying hard here! Will I EVER feel like their mother? Or is that a line step moms never cross?

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[Victoria'smom]

I haven't completely bonded with my son. He's 13 now, I treat him more like a housemate. I take care of his basic needs and treat it like I'm babysitting. I think the pressure of parenting prevents me from bonding. At least we're friends.