Is this a bad relationship (partner) for me?

Hi, everyone! It's been quite some time since I've come here for advice as I'd rather just lug about in the world as of late presuming that life will improve with sheer optimism.

Introduction since it's been a while:

I'm Melanie, I'm 26 years old, have Bipolar 1 disorder with occasional psychosis (hospitalized three times for it, consecutively... which wasn't all bad considering that I was manic and, hence, spent the time that I wasn't zonked on antipsychotics enthusiastically chatting and coloring with everyone in the hospital).

Without further ado, onto the topic...!
If anyone can or is willing to react to this or lend me a spot of wisdom, I'd really appreciate it.

I've been in a relationship with someone for roughly a year and a half and we have a six month old son together (stranger/less convenetional things have happened, I'm sure).

Let me start by mentioning that our choice to keep our child was mutual. Even still, I had a miserable pregnancy. Every night after work (usually as late as 5-7am since he worked at a bar), he would come home wasted and would never tell me where he was. All the while, I was suffering from hormonal chaos mixed with my bipolar disorder... I left him because he wasn't there for me, which I immediately regreted. A week after I left, he had a romantic relationship with a co-worker (who wasn't pregnant, who was able to drink, etc.), but would occasionally message me that he still loved me. Despite all of that nonsense, I perused him for a solid month and a half and we got back together, baby was born, co-worker no longer in the picture, yadayada.

To the present...
The positives: he loves me, he loves Jude, he works hard at his job (I also have a job, but mine is part-time), he cleans some on his day off and does the laundry (although he is always angry about it, because he thinks that it is my duty to do so despite that I'm working, raising his child, offering to cook for him, taking care of him when he's sick, and clean as much as I can before he arrives at home very late... oh, and there us that whole bipolar illness I have to deal with also)
The negatives: he's disrespectful, he goes out with friends to drink after work instead of being with his family, even if I'm cooking for him (example- he once stumbled in and ate the dinner I made for him... which took hours to make... with his hands), he lies to me very often, he rarely takes care of Jude (our child) unless he absolutely has to... in which case I'm always a bit frightened. He's unapologetic whenever he's mean to me, despite that I am always apologizing.

In short...
I'm a romantic. I want to have a family with someone whom I love, and whom loves my son and myself... so I want to be with him, but I don't know how long I should continue to be patient with him. I encourage him nicely to make more responsible decisions (i.e. "Would you like to have dinner with me tonight? I'm cooking!" ..things to bring him home). I give him back massages, I even got my part-time job to make him happy, since he would always use the fact that he has a job and I don't in order to belittle me.

****Question****
Will he grow to make more responsible decisions and learn to be kind to me? Is he just stressed (not that that's an excuse for rudeness, but I can at least empathize)? Perhaps once Jude is a little older (i.e. in six months) there will be less stress on our relationship in general? ...or should I start creating a plan to provide for myself and Jude that doesn't include him? And yet, if there isn't any hope, wouldn't it be best to leave now instead if causing Jude the emotional trauma of his parents seperating?

I find myself watching couples at work, and most of the men are very sweet to their partners... that's what I'd like to have.

Thank you for reading! Sorry it was long. Please help, if you can.
-Melanie.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

Let me add to this: I choose my battles. There are very few things that I push him to apologize for, and I only ever nag him about belting the baby into the swing... because if he isn't belted in, he'll fall out. He continues to ignore this safety issue. I think I might have to just throw the swing away.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

It sounds like he's in a place that makes him more of a liability than a blessing. I tend to filter reality through my imagination/wishes/fantasies but that's a lousy place to live. Even though he is your partner and your child's father he doesn't prioritize basic safety or reasonableness. He will clean, but he shows anger. He is mean, and you apologize. He does not value your contributions to the family. There is no incentive for him to mature or change into a fair-minded, trustworthy, responsible man. It is easy to drink, stay out, blame others, take risks, be needy. You are the rock in this relationship and you sound like an awesome person and mother. I suggest that you discover what you want for yourself and make an exit plan. Your partner will always be Jude's father, he may love you both, but right now he is not acting like it.

Hi Melanie,

I'd suggest you talk to him and ask him if he plans to outgrow the drinking at the bar phase and be a better partner.

For the record, my husband is pretty similar in how he didn't do much with our kids, did certain things around the house with resentment, and although was not out drinking, was tuned out on the TV and Internet.

I would advise you to not get pregnant with another baby with him any time soon, as to not get yourself further trapped.

My life progressed so ideally, got engaged, married, then pregnant with no struggle. So, it's hard to tell if how you went about things had any effect.

Do you love him? Do you see a future with him if he would act more loving and responsible?

Thanks, vg. That's precisely what the objective portion of my thoughts has been telling me, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to ignore... so hearing it from someone else is reassuring, albeit dissapointing due to the circumstance.

Our lease is up in a month... I wish that I had longer to deliberate (or rather, to see if things get better). I mean, he was very sweet once upon a time, before things got stressful. I mean, would it be too unethical to spike his coffee with one of the plethora of antidepressants that I have lying around? Joking... sort of. Ehe. :/

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

God knows I tried. I wanted to give it a man's perspective. But I remembered the three versions. His, Her's and the Truth. Sorry, cashing out.

Yes, absolutely. If he tells me where he is when it's late and is honest about it and if he shows interest in moving towards more responsible habits, I would be very happy... but he's extremely defensive whenever I try to talk to him about staying out late and such. He turns the argument around by telling me that he's paying for everything, in order to hurt my feelings.

I want us to be together. That's my goal. I'm just beginning to worry that it's unattainable and I don't want to be unhappy any longer if my patience is pointless (if nothing changes).

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

Thank you for your consideration. In my defense, I don't recall stating that I'm a perfect partner, worker, nor mother. I have Bipolar disorder and an awful memory due to insomnia and years of mefications. I would also rather go out with my friends after a busy day of sales than pick up my child and come straight home. Perfection nullified.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

Thanks for the advice, Tisha and vg. Because of pirilin's comment, though, I'm probably going to leave this forum again. I'd forgotten that asking for advice online begets rude comments as well... and I have enough social stress to deal with as is and certainty don't want to create anymore. I guess that it used to be friendlier here a few years back.
Thank you again, to those whom offered advice.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

Edit/side note- I'll continue talking to my psychiatrist about it. Ty guys.

I can't say that I have any advice since I've never managed to make a relationship work (more due to PTSD than bipolar) but I did want to say that I hope you feel you can hang on here a little longer and see if you get more help than hurt. I hate to see people leaving like that and would like to think that someone might be able to provide some help that counters the bad.

I wish I could help more. I just wish you'd stay a while as it sounds like you need someone kind to listen. Do you have a therapist?

From my experience in previous relationships (granted I don't have any kids), you can't change anyone. He may mature in time, but forcing a change will leave someone hurt in the end. I hope you two figure out how and benefits everyone.

I'm glad you have your son. You're still young and beautiful.

Find a new guy to marry is my advice.

Well put! Gotta remember this. Can relate to this phenomenon.

Melan.cholia, violetgreen's post hits the mark, so I won't repeat, but the above sentence brought to mind something that T said that I didn't understand at the time. It was, "...or are you in love with the idea of him?". I think she was getting at this filter thing violetgreen mentions. How we can have this ideal in our mind and they are there, and we "see" them doing those things (all the more so for the once-upon-a-time sweetness), but then there is them as they actually ARE.

Not just the good stuff sometimes, or when it suits them. Is it who they are or who we wish they were?

If we're having to "if they" a bunch, it pretty much amounts to "if they were a different person".

Sorry to say. Because the last part of violetgreen's statement tells the tale-- "... but that's a lousy place to live." So true. Because we keep throwing ourselves into the wall of reality trying to make it fit.

Good luck. I very much get where you're coming from.

Hey, this is a pretty old post, but I wanted to update: I am probably seperating from this man, as his dishonesty has become increasingly grating and he favors bars now over being a decent father and partner. I got a job, which had helped my confidence tremendously and he is one his second and last chance (which he's starting to blow), so I know that when I finally do make this decision, it will be the right one.

Thank you for all of the words of wisdom and encouragement. They really helped. I wish you all the best in life!

*hugs*

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk