[cashart10]

I just had a melt down. Yesterday, my therapist insisted that I MUST go to an IOP since I have struggled for so long and had so much suicidal ideation. She called while I was in her office to make me an appt for later that afternoon. Well, when I told my husband this, he was livid. He said she should have contacted him before making this type of decision. It is so hard for us if I have to go to the hospital IP or IOP because of childcare issues. He told me he "didn't know how he effin felt about this ****." He went on to cuss at me and call my therapist every name in the book.

Fast forward to today and I had my first session of my IOP therapy. My husband is, in all seriousness, still extremely upset. He told me that there is nothing in our marriage anymore, that maybe I should move in with my mom because that is where I want to be all the time anyway. I told him that if there was one thing I could always say certainly it is that my marriage is fulfilling, abundant, and forever and that I would never in a million years imagine he felt this way. He went on and on about how I need to change. He said for example, I need to get it together, to take better care of myself, to get off the damn couch, to clean the dirty house.

Possible trigger:

He told me that I am so uninterested and uninvolved in sex that it was like making love to a corpse. That's really unfair to me because I choose to have sex when he asks despite my entire lack of libido due to either depression or meds.

He did not say these things kindly, with fair criticism, or love; he was being entirely ugly. He said if I don't change there is no guarantee he is going to stay. He said he was fed up with about everything about me, especially my bp (which he chooses not to understand). We didn't argue in the least but he was so cold and mean that I could hardly stand it. And then, into our conversation, he abruptly told me we were not going to have the conversation anymore as nothing I can say can change his mind. I hated this because I cannot stand an unresolved conflict.

A couple hours later, he came upstairs to the kitchen where I was cooking dinner. He put his arms around me and I just started sobbing. He said I have nothing to worry about. He said he loved me and wasn't ever leaving. He said he just wants me to get better. He said a lot to ease my mind and help me gain peace about the situation. He never once said he was sorry or felt remorse for how he had acted before. I feel heartbroken.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Oh Cash...I'm so sorry. I want things to get easier for you. I agree that you need IOP or IP if you aren't doing better simply because it has been so long since you felt well and you need to grasp at anything that can help or that can give you some moments of peace. I'm sorry he doesn't understand. I'm sorry that he isn't able to say what you need to hear. I am glad that he made at least a gesture toward reconciliation. I do not think your therapist should get his approval before getting you help you badly need.

I'm sad for you tonight.

[Wanderlust90]

[Wander]

That must be so painful for you. Already you are suffering so much and now this. I really hope you are able to get into IPO or IP and get the help you so desperately need. My heart goes out to you. BIG HUGS and love you xx

Cash (((hugs)))

[Icare dixit]

I think what he told you after his hurtful comments must be the truth. Everyone can lose control. In some situations we are a lot better at it than most (obviously not all situations).

I think that not admitting mistakes can be a sign that he really is very sorry and very anxious about his earlier behaviour. Just like admitting mistakes after mania can be too painful just when thinking about it. If he were to readily admit his mistakes and tell you he'd never do it again, I would be more worried.

But I hope you can talk about his behaviour frankly and freely: how to not let thinks erupt, saying things more for effect than truth.



Edit:
Realise it's men we're talking about. Most have problems with normal emotions, just as we might have with more extreme, more longlasting emotional states.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I hope you're going to the Iop where I just was. It will certainly help! I'm sorry that happened!!

[hopeless2015]

HUGS

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[raspberrytorte]

He's so mean! I hate how he said such hurtful things to you. Hugs.

[wildflowerchild25]

Sounds like HE'S the one who had the meltdown!!! How dare he say such hurtful things! I'm so sorry he's been treating you like this. You deserve more. I hope things improve soon sweetie.

[Nammu]

Not trying to make excuses for him but it kind of sounds like he was afraid of the unknown, and fearful. Most guys like to be able to fix things and have things stay the same. The unknown of what would happen if you went to IOP and the financial aspects of it probably hit him hard. My own take on it is that IOP is past due and a good compromise between going without and IP. Sounds like his frustrations have been building up and he unleashed them on you.
I know things are really hard right now but you will get though it and IOP will help a lot with that. Try not to feel guilty about getting the help you need. It's hard for others to understand the MI is just as serious as any other physical illness.

[Icare dixit]

What Nammu said.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Wow. He should be worried about your MI to even be around the kids first off. I'm really sorry he said those things. My bf and I got into probably our biggest blowout the other night and he said I'm such of piece of **** and I don't know how to have any kind of relationship and I just push everyone away and that I'm worst than his ex wife. Bags got packed, phone got taken away, then right before he walked out the door, he turned around crying. I really believe men don't think when they see red. And I said some horrible **** too. When I'm mad I take everything to a level 10. And most of this revolved around my MI and lack of being "all there" most of the time. MI is so hard for a couple to deal with. But first and foremost we need support. That's all I ask out of him and you deserve the same. ((Hugs))

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[Unrigged64072835]

So sorry to hear that this happened to you. Hope IOP works out for you. HUGS

[BipolaRNurse]

(((HUGS))) honey. You deserve so much better than this.

[cashart10]

Thank you all for your love and concern. We are talking. Although, I'm not sure how. I sent a text message to him telling him how hurt I am and he has NO remorse (something that is unusual). I really feel like his love is not unconditional and I feel heartbroken, so heartbroken. Today he got out of work early and went to the movies with one of his friends. He didn't even consult me first. I just don't understand. I am not less than human.

[cashart10]

And yesterday, when I told him I needed to go buy a dress for Easter because none of my dress clothes fit, he said "I guess you should have thought of that before you gained weight." I am far from perfect but one thing I'm not is mean. I wish I could just shake him.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I am far from perfect but one thing I'm not is mean. I wish I could just shake him.

Cashart I feel for you I really do ... I hope you believe that ... this has been a really trying time for both of you ... feelings have been hurt ... pride has been hurt ... painful words have been exchanged ... there is not going to be any easy answer , if there was you would have found it already ... you see a mean spiteful man ... he sees one who leans on her mother instead of him ... and on and on ... you both have equal claims to having been hurt ... somehow , someway you two need to find time to rekindle that love that was there in the begining ... is there anyway your church or your family could help you guys find that alone time ... it sounds like your getting close to an edge .. I do not want you to go over it ... reach out , try hard to find that help ... if you can resolve that stress you may find your bp symptoms ease a little ... If I could hug you and make it all better I would ... but this is going to be hard ... you both must want it ... and work on it like your very life depended on it ... on this easter , the time of new beginings , I pray , yes this old heathern prays you find a way .... Tigger ...

[cashart10]

Well, he finally talked civilly to me. He told me he was sorry for his harshness but he meant all that he said. He said I have to change. He needs me to take care of myself and take care of the house and that he feels I don't even try. He says he feels disrespected that I lay on the couch all day while he works his *** off. He says he works through enormous physical pain and that I have got to overcome my illness; I need to get up and do something and that is a major start. He said he has no plans of leaving me ever and that he said that in anger. He said he really thought that my therapist should have consulted him before making an appointment for an evaluation. It just puts pressure on everyone. He took it out on me (in a major way). He really is expecting change from me though. He says I use my illness as a crutch. I don't know. And, as far as his statement about making love, he just said there is absolutely no passion from me and it makes him feel unloved and undesired. However, between the antidepressant and the depression, I don't have a chance. Despite this, I rarely tell him no. I feel afraid. I could not function or live without him. We've been together for 12 years and married 10 and he is the love of my life.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I hope you're going to the Iop where I just was. It will certainly help! I'm sorry that happened!!

Yep; same place.

[raspberrytorte]

I'm having trouble understanding your husband. He wants you to get better, but he's against you doing IOP?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

He's so mean! I hate how he said such hurtful things to you. Hugs.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Sounds like HE'S the one who had the meltdown!!! How dare he say such hurtful things! I'm so sorry he's been treating you like this. You deserve more. I hope things improve soon sweetie.

Thank you both for taking up for me. Sometimes I feel used, other times I feel like a bad *** who refuses to put up with any of his ****. His **** is extremely hurtful but he gets it honest. They say your man will treat you the way his father treats his mom. Well my father in law is the biggest asshole I have ever met, especially toward my mother in law, and he would probably agree. My husband is a saint compared to him. Despite his very sharp tongue that comes to be when he is entirely angry, he is a loving husband.

Not surprisingly, my mother was also very antagonistic about me going into IOP at first. She acted very rude about it. She huffed and puffed while complaining that my dad was going to be entirely put out until I am released from the program (this despite that fact that my husband is off most of the week thanks to his new job at Ford where he works mostly weekend hours). I told her I just keep crying all day to which she said "I talk to you often in the day and rarely hear you crying." This not counting the times I have started crying while ON THE PHONE with her. I asked if she was accusing me of lying. She said no, she just felt this was thrown on her and she didn't know how to cope.

She quickly came aboard though. Plus she feels we will make some sort of doable plan for all of us involved. She is also excited that my therapist wants to sit down with her, my dad, and my husband.

[raspberrytorte]

I feel like maybe your husband is being too hard on you regarding some things, like your weight and his comment about your sex life. When you're on a bunch of meds it's going to **** with both of those things. Is he perfect?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I'm having trouble understanding your husband. He wants you to get better, but he's against you doing IOP?

He was very pissed that my therapist fairly demanded that I be evaluated without consulting him first; he felt at least he'd have time to prepare. I explained that I am her client and contacting him wasn't necessarily expected. She even said as I was trying to make excuses about why I couldn't do IOP, mostly how put out my family will become. My therapist's response was that they will "figure it out" and that this mandatory in her mind. And so it was.

[pirilin]

Hoping everything will return to normal soon. Sending Hugs and good wishes.