[evildouble102]

I'm not sure where this fits as far as the forums go. I was thinking here for some reasons. I have been doing things that are out of character.... I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type as one of my diagnoses; the others are panic, ocd, bpd, ptsd. I've started drinking again, smoking pot again at a party and then they brought out some coke; which instead of turning down I took half a line... I also met someone in person whom I talked to online... he didn't turn out to be a total creep so I guess I am lucky. Making plans with other people to party with some more... And tonight I was talking to some other guy I have talked to for a while and am waiting for him to show up; we were going to get together and do something like a date I guess but now he's supposed to be coming over and we're going to maybe booze it up some but the primary thing was having casual sex.... this is soo not me.... I don't know why I am acting like this... Does anyone else have any insights? Also I haven't felt really hungry since doing the coke like I haven't really had a meal since thursday. Friday I felt down all of a sudden I don't know if it was that I have too much time to think or what. I just know that I was hysterical and was confused. My emotions were just crazy; it was like I hit a brick wall. I called the warmline here in maine. I mean I know I'm kind of lonely but it doesn't seem like that should be an excuse so....I am a 23 year old female. I am disabled. I don't know what else is pertinent that would help come to a decision.... so ask away. Thanks for any advice you may have.

[Direction]

oh no...if its "not you" do you think you are/were manic and then crashed?

Drunking and drugs well really mess stuff up...

Can you call you pdoc...tonights plans sound a bit unsafe...you may want to rethink this...I would think if you can get a return cal from pdoc...trip to the hospital would be in order to get things under control again...

[Meta]

Hi Evi,

Just wanted to say hi and respond to your post a little bit.

It does sound like you are engaging in a lot of risky behaviors the kind of thing that people do when they are in a manic episode. However impulsive behaviors, like taking drugs and risky sex are also impulsive behaviors that are associated with Borderline Personality disorder . Which it is is probably important to sort out with your therapist, so you can make decisions on how you want to deal with it.

Meeting up with people you met on line and inviting home any individuals you just met also sound like pretty risky and or impulsive behaviors that could risk your health, both physical and emotional. You could be raped or get an STD. Or you could be killed. The "best" worst thing that could happen is that someone you meet this way could use you for sex and then you never hear from them again.

You are at a tough age. I know when I got out of college at 21 without being engaged I saw myself as an old maid. Now many years later and having a 9 year old daughter, I understand that I had plenty of time and needed to value myself more. I empathize with that naive 21 year old that I was who listened to what our society was telling me, instead of finding my way.
Most of us, including myself, have to learn at the school of hard knocks, and most of us survive, but I hope you will try and bolster your self esteem and put the brakes on before something bad happens.

If you don't feel like you can do this, you need to find a therapist who will help you learn to value yourself and set personal boundaries.

I know I probably sound very bossy in this message, but like I said I was once as young as you are and I have a nine year old daughter. I am hoping that the way I am raising her, she will have a lot more self esteem and willingness to take care of herself when she reaches the very difficult teenage and early 20 years.

I hope you will post again and let us know how you are doing.

Meta

Some of the old rules really will always apply, eat right and get enough sleep and use discretion on who you spend your time with. You are a valuable person and maybe you haven't found people yet who will support you but keep trying.

[evildouble102]

I'm not sure if I am manic or was... I guess things probly worked out for the better; that guy never showed up I guess he was too intoxicated or something and was saying he had tuesday night off and could come over then and we could party or whatever. We did discuss some things which I think make things a little safer, but still it's kind of ridiculous or something... Like we said we should use protection and stuff... But back to general info, I have noticed I'm not sleeping too much or actually probly not enough either... haven't been wanting to eat much but I've been getting better about that; like I've been trying to eat more eventhough I could really take it or leave it. But the sleep thing seems kind of crazy. I have been sleeping 2 to 5 hours a night since thursday night actually and have been pretty functional which sounds kind of foreign to me. I feel like no one really has noticed a change in me which is absolutely fine by me; don't really want my family to know and am a little leary about talking to my psychiatrist about all of this because I have signed a release for him to talk to my folks when they go for team meetings at the psych program I'm finishing up. I feel like I am really wanting help in some ways but in other ways I don't see anything wrong and don't want anyone to know what's going on because I don't want to deal with this whole big fiasco that I think would go on had my parents found out. I'm afraid that I wouldn't be allowed around my younger brothers; that would totally devastate me and make things 10 times worse. I am still trying to make sense of things and really haven't gotten anywhere with that. More later I'm sure. thanks for listening all

[Direction]

Can you remove the release of information to your parents? Then maybe it would be easier to talk...?

[Meta]

MANY CYBERHUGS COMING YOUR WAY


meta

<font color="#880000"> </font> One thing; I think that your are in a manic state. Secondly I would try to get the paper you signed at the p-docs changed!! You can't walk on glass in therapy, have to know the session stops with him/her! It's the only way you'll find the real you.
Thirdly, I don't know what meds your on currently. But the TOXIC mix you are playing with is dangerous.

I'm not slamming you, it's out of concern, your 23 still a baby don't throw it away.....

[evildouble102]

Just felt that I owed everyone an update. Things are going better. I have transitioned back into living at home with my cat and dog. I spent thursday thru tuesday in the psych ward because I felt like it was getting to be a safety issue after crashing real hard. The doc had a lot to say here and there. He said I am running from my problems and need to deal with things; ie anxiety so he took away my prn my reg pdoc prescribed which pissed me off but whatever. and before I was discharged he said oh by the way ur lithium levels too high and ur thyroids too low; so he lowered the lithium to 600 and my reg pdoc looked at the results and wrote a script for synthroid so we'll see how that goes. He said the change could make me feel better and stabalize my mood more and what not.... Told my dad about my behavior as far as the party and using cocaine for the first time and he was real calm and cool about it but maybe a little bit of denial cause he said when it comes down to it, I nor the person who provided it knew what it was and how it could have been baby laxatives or ajax bc they use those sort of things to cut it and stretch it. So I guess it wasn't as bad as I was panicking it to be... Thanks for listening everyone and ur feedback!

[evildouble102]

I feel like I'm maybe going back to some of the same stuff I talked about last time.... I'm not doing drugs, and haven't drank in a couple of days at all. I noticed that I've been feeling very extraverted and extremely permiscuous again; which by the way quite a few professionals have said yea that's normal to wanna go have sex with guys and there's nothing wrong with it so kind of like making me feel like embarassed almost and like I shouldn't waste their time with it. so hey whatever I'm just trying to say this is very out of character for me and stuff. I'm a little tired but feel like I could keep going for a number of hours more and am quite alert.... I tried to tell them today that I've been hypervigilant but they just shrugged it off and said I was just getting back into staying by myself again because a couple of weeks ago I was in the hospital and transitioned back into my home. I didn't take my meds on time tonight so I'm wondering if that's contributing to all this "thought activity" and ridiculousness? Does this sound like mania or something to anyone? Just wondering again what's going on? So I'm not really knowing what to think and make of all this..... Any feedback? Thanks, Danielle