[Gabyunbound]

Hi Everyone, I’m new here. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I about 6 years ago (though this was a dx VERY late in coming) and have been stable on a cocktail of meds for about 2 years now.

Of course I’m very –very- fortunate to be stable, to have (better late than never) have received good care, and have found a combination of meds that work for me.

But lately I have been missing my hypomania’s (before they take a turn for worse/go bad) so much, I was crying telling a good friend this earlier today. And although I say ‘crying’ it was barely so, as my emotions are so reduced, so trounced by medication that it was barely a whimper despite how bad I felt.

What I want to know is for those who are, or have been through, prolonged periods of stability, how do you deal with missing the joy and the ecstasy? The last time I had a hypomanic episode (I’ve only had one manic episode, which led to psychosis) I found myself dancing around my apartment in utter ecstasy for each note of music, each feeling of placing my feet on the floor, every color, each texture so stunningly magnified… And other things too…

I miss it. I miss it, I miss it, I miss it. Despite the crushing depression that followed, despite that turn it eventually takes into paranoia and irritability and people thinking I’m crazy, the trouble I would get into… etc., etc. You know the drill…

I feel like I’ve lost a huge and important part of myself, like an appendage has just dropped off and I’m left limping along, with stunted emotions, not fully myself.

How do you deal with it? How do you resist the temptation to stop the meds? How do you find your whole self again?

Thanks…

[exclamationpoint]

I don't know the answer to this question, but I feel the same way. I'm finally out of the depression, but I feel so muted on the meds. I'm going to talk to my doctor about it next time I see her, because this doesn't feel right.

[Dontspeak]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

Hi Everyone, I’m new here. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I about 6 years ago (though this was a dx VERY late in coming) and have been stable on a cocktail of meds for about 2 years now.

Of course I’m very –very- fortunate to be stable, to have (better late than never) have received good care, and have found a combination of meds that work for me.

But lately I have been missing my hypomania’s (before they take a turn for worse/go bad) so much, I was crying telling a good friend this earlier today. And although I say ‘crying’ it was barely so, as my emotions are so reduced, so trounced by medication that it was barely a whimper despite how bad I felt.

What I want to know is for those who are, or have been through, prolonged periods of stability, how do you deal with missing the joy and the ecstasy? The last time I had a hypomanic episode (I’ve only had one manic episode, which led to psychosis) I found myself dancing around my apartment in utter ecstasy for each note of music, each feeling of placing my feet on the floor, every color, each texture so stunningly magnified… And other things too…

I miss it. I miss it, I miss it, I miss it. Despite the crushing depression that followed, despite that turn it eventually takes into paranoia and irritability and people thinking I’m crazy, the trouble I would get into… etc., etc. You know the drill…

I feel like I’ve lost a huge and important part of myself, like an appendage has just dropped off and I’m left limping along, with stunted emotions, not fully myself.

How do you deal with it? How do you resist the temptation to stop the meds? How do you find your whole self again?

Thanks…

Well euphoria goes away with medication, in my experience, I'm afraid. But if you've plateaued, I think you should talk to your pdoc, bc it could be your dose, it could be the wrong drug. I definitely had some relief when I changed mood stabilizers. I have more normal range of emotions. (Whether I feel entitled to them is a different subject). I actually found my Rx through a group therapy session where I complained about this very thing. Lamictal gave me cystic acne, so I had switched to Lithium and became the blob. They told me about Tegretol and I've been on it ever since. Everyone is different, but you shouldn't give up and neither should your doctor.

But missing ecstasy is like saying I miss getting high. I mean, I miss it too!
Missing joy is not acceptable. We have to get that back! You deserve it!

That is perfectly written Don't speak. I hope joy is acceptable and I'm just feeling grateful and joyous right now. Actually right now I'm in a lot of physical pain. My fibro is flairing bad. My joints are aching badly. I'm also very tired. This usually brings my spirits down, but not right now. Doctor thinks I'm hypomanic and is treating it accordingly. I'm committed to treatment right now. It's hard. I want to fix this without medication but I cannot. I need to build endurance and endure. Meds help.

[Gabyunbound]

Originally Posted by Dontspeak

Well euphoria goes away with medication, in my experience, I'm afraid. But if you've plateaued, I think you should talk to your pdoc, bc it could be your dose, it could be the wrong drug. I definitely had some relief when I changed mood stabilizers. I have more normal range of emotions. (Whether I feel entitled to them is a different subject). I actually found my Rx through a group therapy session where I complained about this very thing. Lamictal gave me cystic acne, so I had switched to Lithium and became the blob. They told me about Tegretol and I've been on it ever since. Everyone is different, but you shouldn't give up and neither should your doctor.

But missing ecstasy is like saying I miss getting high. I mean, I miss it too!
Missing joy is not acceptable. We have to get that back! You deserve it!

The above is so true and thank you so much for reminding me of that! Getting high, not such a good idea, but experiencing joy, this is vital. Part of the problem is that I've lost interest in a couple of things that, if not joy, used to bring me a lot of satisfaction. A friend told me that I should find new things that give me 'satisfaction' and maybe she's right, but it feels like starting over -and I want this sense of continuity that I'm not feeling.

I'm taking a lot lower dose of Seroquel than I used to (I would think this would reduce my range of emotion more than Lamictal or Abilify?) but maybe I'll talk to my pdoc about getting rid of it entirely. It helps me sleep, but maybe with time I won't need it for that either. Thanks so much for your help and support.

[Gabyunbound]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

That is perfectly written Don't speak. I hope joy is acceptable and I'm just feeling grateful and joyous right now. Actually right now I'm in a lot of physical pain. My fibro is flairing bad. My joints are aching badly. I'm also very tired. This usually brings my spirits down, but not right now. Doctor thinks I'm hypomanic and is treating it accordingly. I'm committed to treatment right now. It's hard. I want to fix this without medication but I cannot. I need to build endurance and endure. Meds help.

It can be so hard to tell the difference between 'joy' and hypomania, I wish I were better at it. As Don'tspeak said, paraphrasing here, not experiencing joy is not an option and we all deserve it and I think in this pdocs can overreach sometimes because they're so afraid of missing mania. Which isn't to say you're not experiencing hypomania right now.

In fact, it might be an interesting thread to list the differences between 'joy' and 'hypomania' (the ecstatic kind) in our own experiences because I think sometimes there's really a fine line. Unfortunately, some of us -me included- don't realize the road we're on until it's too late and the hypomania turns dark. Best of luck and you will endure!

[Pikku Myy]

I understand you totally and feel for the down I went thru what I considered normal ups and downs for 30 years since my teens. I was mildly medicated then. I created some of my best work then. It hit me late 40's with a slam in a face... Been thru two psychotic episodes that can be documented by psych wards.. and almost died from being pushed too many meds. I am somewhat at piece now with myself and happy It took a lot of self discovery and dedication from myself, not to mention my support group, to do this. I am now med free... I know some day may need them again. All about balance I am creative at my natural state .

[Gabyunbound]

Originally Posted by Pikku Myy

I understand you totally and feel for the down I went thru what I considered normal ups and downs for 30 years since my teens. I was mildly medicated then. I created some of my best work then. It hit me late 40's with a slam in a face... Been thru two psychotic episodes that can be documented by psych wards.. and almost died from being pushed too many meds. I am somewhat at piece now with myself and happy It took a lot of self discovery and dedication from myself, not to mention my support group, to do this. I am now med free... I know some day may need them again. All about balance I am creative at my natural state .

I was creative in my natural state as well, emphasis on was... Very disappointing to say the least. I've given up so much and gained so much. I'm so happy for you that you're able to be med-free and have found peace in that state! Next I see my pdoc I'm going to talk to her about nixing the Seroquel, I'm not taking a high dose anymore anyway, maybe that will help. Come to think of it, in the last couple of years, especially this last year, I've found some peace, but I guess what I want is more I suppose it's joy, with others, and in doing the creative work I used to do. Hopefully I'll make it, I'll manage to find those pieces of me I have lost without, well, losing it

[Dontspeak]

I think it's helpful to think of our sanity as marriage. We're in for the long haul. Some times its filled with joy, sometimes you have dinner in front of the TV. And that's OK, as long as you're laughing at the TV!

[newtothis31]

This is well-expressed and I wish there was an easy answer. My memories of having hypomania- yes there are moments where things appear to be more beautiful than words and there's euphoria but for me there was a cruel crash in how fleeting and unattainable it was to have that feeling stick around for a lasting period of time.

I'm almost two years past my initial diagnosis. Some of the things I find joy in are in things that I couldn't do prior to my diagnosis. Prior to my diagnosis, I had crippling anxiety and I had a lot of social phobias about making friends and maintaining my friendships. While I was still able to have some close friendships pre-diagnosis, I've found that my post-diagnosis friendships have been better balanced. Now I'm the friend that can make other people laugh.

Maybe consider trying out some travel, getting a museum membership, walking a labyrinth, or doing some volunteer work. I've also developed some new hobbies- I love working my way through Angie Grace coloring books. For me- certain experiences are not the same as they were since being diagnosed- for example, it's harder for me to appreciate really good music. If you try to open yourself up to new experiences and new memories- making stability a positive thing- it really feels great.

[Crazy Hitch]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums

Glad to hear you're stable.

I've been stable for a few months.

I don't know if for me, personally, I miss being hypo (right now, because there are certainly times that I do). But for me it can have a tendency to spiral out of control into full blown mania and become dangerous.

I think I'll just enjoy my stability for now.

[Gabyunbound]

Originally Posted by newtothis31

This is well-expressed and I wish there was an easy answer. My memories of having hypomania- yes there are moments where things appear to be more beautiful than words and there's euphoria but for me there was a cruelMissing joy is not acceptable. We have to get that back! You deserve it! crash in how fleeting and unattainable it was to have that feeling stick around for a lasting period of time.

I'm almost two years past my initial diagnosis. Some of the things I find joy in are in things that I couldn't do prior to my diagnosis. Prior to my diagnosis, I had crippling anxiety and I had a lot of social phobias about making friends and maintaining my friendships. While I was still able to have some close friendships pre-diagnosis, I've found that my post-diagnosis friendships have been better balanced. Now I'm the friend that can make other people laugh.

Maybe consider trying out some travel, getting a museum membership, walking a labyrinth, or doing some volunteer work. I've also developed some new hobbies- I love working my way through Angie Grace coloring books. For me- certain experiences are not the same as they were since being diagnosed- for example, it's harder for me to appreciate really good music. If you try to open yourself up to new experiences and new memories- making stability a positive thing- it really feels great.

This is very good advice, thanks, especially the last line. I think I need to look forward instead of mourning parts of the past. And also remind myself of what happens after the ecstasy, which has ranged from crippling depression to psychosis. I also get to the point that I'm so jumpy, my whole body crawling with WAY too much energy, it's extremely uncomfortable and it's hard to function.

I do have a membership to an aquarium, which I love, the challenge is going back after my first time! I've come to looove sea otters, and this is new to me, as is taking long walks around a pond near where I live which I love (I recently moved to where I am now). So perhaps I should value these things more -as well as my stability- and not look so much to the past.

My anxiety has also improved from one of the medications I take for BP, and this is something to appreciate to no end. I still suffer with it, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

I do want my mood to be more expansive and less constricted, though, and am going to look at lessening a medication; we'll see how it goes.

All good advice though -thanks.

Yep.

I know I got myself into a lot of trouble financially but I crave for the life I had when I was hypo/manic. I mourn the fact it is gone and I will likely never again have any of the adventures I experienced. I feel now dull, boring, and lacklustre in comparison to the woman I once was. It is the primary source of Depression in my life.