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  #26  
Old May 03, 2016, 05:08 PM
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wiretwister wiretwister is offline
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Originally Posted by cashart10 View Post
I confronted him right away. He said no, of course. He said she was a good Christian friend trying to get him to stay with me. But, what would a married man be sneaking HOURS long phone calls to another woman if they weren't at least emotionally involved? I might be naďve but I'm not that niave. After our conversation about this other woman, he told me that without a shadow of a doubt he wanted a divorce...no more therapy, no more ministry.
I don't blame him hun ... you called him a liar to his face ... told him you no longer trust him ... remember you asked him to try again after he asked for a divorce last year ... I think you may be getting what you appear to want ... sorry hun ...

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  #27  
Old May 03, 2016, 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by wiretwister View Post
I don't blame him hun ... you called him a liar to his face ... told him you no longer trust him ... remember you asked him to try again after he asked for a divorce last year ... I think you may be getting what you appear to want ... sorry hun ...
We didn't discuss divorce a year ago??? He only even brought it up in seriousness just over a week ago. I don't want a divorce, never have, never will. If he is lying then it is fine to call him a liar. I'm not sure where your ill will is coming from.
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  #28  
Old May 03, 2016, 05:32 PM
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Originally Posted by wiretwister View Post
I don't blame him hun ... you called him a liar to his face ... told him you no longer trust him ... remember you asked him to try again after he asked for a divorce last year ... I think you may be getting what you appear to want ... sorry hun ...
Even if I agree with his story, how do you figure I may be getting what I appear to want? What have I expressed that would suggest otherwise? From the time he even mentioned separating I have dated him, slept with him more often, ensured that the house was clean and organized when he got home. But, despite this, he says there is no way we can reconcile. He is being a coward by giving up on his family that consists of 3 young children.
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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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  #29  
Old May 03, 2016, 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Anxiousvalkyrie View Post
One thing I learned after my divorce (and I, much like you tried everything within my power to make him stay, but cheating is where I drew the line once I found out about it.) is that even though divorce is painful and awful. Getting divorced from a person who doesn't want to be with you or no longer can live with the person he hunks you've become is a far better choice for both you and your children. It takes two people to want a reconciliation to work, and shaming or coercing him with religion is likely only going to make him resent you and the family members who are helping you to convince him to stay. Even if this works and he decides to stay, it would be short lived and miserable. If he really wants a divorce and says his mind is made up, IMO it's better to give it to him and move on with your life. I am living proof that there are better things out there for you and your children.

As much as I wanted to bend over backwards and try to save my first marriage letting him go and moving on allowed me to find a man who is willing to walk to hell and back with me and my disease and treats my son as his own. On top of that I also got to move to Sweden, which was a life long dream of mine. Life won't end if your marriage does, it will just end a chapter in your life. You're allowed to have more than one great love. Perhaps your time with your current husband is up, but there is so much out there for you to discover that can enrich and enhance your life. I learned that living in misery just to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto isn't worth it. Hugs.
This is not about shaming and coercing him. This is making sure I am in God's will and giving him an opportunity to make things right. He expects that I will travel every avenue. He's been married to me for more than 10 years. He knows me and he knows I am exceedingly persistent and how important it is to line up to God's will (which I know I am not always good at). He won't begrudge me. And he is feeling guilty because he knows he is in the wrong (don't get me wrong, I understand this is not just him that has caused this but it is him and only him who wants out).

I hope you are right about things getting better. I have NO CLUE how I am going to walk through this. It makes me so, so sad.
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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

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Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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  #30  
Old May 03, 2016, 05:53 PM
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Oh, cash, this is just awful. I don't have words of wisdom or advice, but know I am thinking about you and sending hugs.
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  #31  
Old May 03, 2016, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by cashart10 View Post
We didn't discuss divorce a year ago??? He only even brought it up in seriousness just over a week ago. I don't want a divorce, never have, never will. If he is lying then it is fine to call him a liar. I'm not sure where your ill will is coming from.
you are correct and I did mis-speak ... sorry ... you just have had such a history with him ... that you have shared with us ... it seemed longer ... my mistake .. again sorry ... I still feel refusing to believe his answer without any "proof" ... was hurtful at the least ... guys have feelings too ...
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  #32  
Old May 03, 2016, 07:25 PM
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A four hour convo with the woman and he says she was trying to talk him into staying with you?! That's a bunch of BS I'm sorry. A lot more than that was probably discussed in that four hour period. I would be livid. I'm very sorry.

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  #33  
Old May 03, 2016, 08:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wiretwister View Post
I don't blame him hun ... you called him a liar to his face ... told him you no longer trust him ... remember you asked him to try again after he asked for a divorce last year ... I think you may be getting what you appear to want ... sorry hun ...
I guess I'm not sure what happened last year but this doesn't make any sense. He just said within the last week that he would be willing to go to counseling if what I read was correct from the other thread. That makes him an actual liar. He's not following through on something he agreed to, one session isn't a follow through. If this was really just a Christian friend, then why jump straight to divorce? . If I love my husband and he questions me about a 4 hour phone call, I don't throw out a "let's get divorced, screw it" . I admit that a 4 hour conversation about my marriage with another man is inappropriate and apologize while assuring him I want to work on our marriage, if in fact I want to work on our marriage.

Trust can be rebuilt but not until the persons acknowledges what they are doing is damaging.

I completely fell apart, my husband has had to deal with a half a wife for the last year. I hate myself for that. But he sees that I'm doing everything I possibly can to pull out and I have been but it has been frustratingly slow. But we have built a life together and that means that we don't throw the towel in when our pride is hurt. He loves me in spite of a bad year and knows how much pain I'm in, to simply give up at this point would be cruel.

To the OP:

I hope he changes his mind and decides to work this out, it sounds like you love him and have been having a hard time.

#Life is a beautiful lie#
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  #34  
Old May 03, 2016, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by RxQueen875 View Post
A four hour convo with the woman and he says she was trying to talk him into staying with you?! That's a bunch of BS I'm sorry. A lot more than that was probably discussed in that four hour period. I would be livid. I'm very sorry.

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Thank you; my sentiments exactly!
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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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  #35  
Old May 03, 2016, 08:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RxQueen875 View Post
A four hour convo with the woman and he says she was trying to talk him into staying with you?! That's a bunch of BS I'm sorry. A lot more than that was probably discussed in that four hour period. I would be livid. I'm very sorry.

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So much this! .

#Life is a beautiful lie#
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  #36  
Old May 03, 2016, 08:23 PM
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I am so so sorry you are going through this. Contact me anytime
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  #37  
Old May 03, 2016, 08:39 PM
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I just keep thinking, if only I had known the last time we made love would be the LAST time we made love, I would have savored it, made sure I didn't forget it. Now all I can do is cry and I can't even do it on his shoulder. I am very scared because I do not work and I am not on disability, I'm just a stay at home mom. I feel like this is about the worse thing that has ever happened to me. And, I'm afraid of really losing touch again, getting hospitalized, and then losing the primary custody that we both agree I should have.

My therapist has agreed to let me come in again this week because I just don't know how to process all that is happening. I just feel so betrayed.
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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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  #38  
Old May 03, 2016, 08:41 PM
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Can your mom or sister come and sit with you a while? Having someone to sit with you and maybe make you some tea might help a little.
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  #39  
Old May 03, 2016, 08:45 PM
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Not tonight. It's 9:45 and everyone has to work in the morning. I told my sister that I know this will be a long night and asked her to give me a wake up call in the morning to make sure I don't oversleep. I just can't believe how ruined my innocent little babies' lives will be; they will be rocked to the core. All over someone that I still love with the whole of my heart but who has given up on me over my bipolar. That is specifically the reason he gives.
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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
Thanks for this!
Mondayschild
  #40  
Old May 03, 2016, 08:52 PM
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Call our local hotline and talk through this. It's what it's for
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  #41  
Old May 03, 2016, 09:12 PM
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As someone stated earlier, thank goodness you have a therapist right now. I cannot really imagine what you are going through. My husband and I have both said we wanted a divorce in the heat of the moment. I say it to him because I believe he deserves someone better. He says it to me because he thinks he makes the wrong decisions which go against my best interest. Leaving you just because you are bipolar is not a good answer. I hope he's able to be more honest. When you love someone, you don't leave them for a reason like that.
  #42  
Old May 03, 2016, 09:32 PM
twilliamsjr79 twilliamsjr79 is offline
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My 2 cents. Hey maybe not be having a sexual affair but it definitely an emotional one.
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  #43  
Old May 03, 2016, 09:36 PM
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Emotional affairs are very real and very damaging. I hope you are doing ok. Big hugs going your way.
  #44  
Old May 03, 2016, 09:39 PM
twilliamsjr79 twilliamsjr79 is offline
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Have u asked him why he wants a divorce? Like what are the actual reasons?

Whatever the reasons may be YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE STAY/LOVE YOU. It's the brutal truth. I know you and him have history but before there was a you and him. There was a you. So do what's best for you and the kids. If he wants to divorce it's his lost.
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  #45  
Old May 03, 2016, 09:44 PM
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I'm so very sorry cas.
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  #46  
Old May 03, 2016, 09:49 PM
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Perhaps it is some sort of religious relationship. I'm not kidding. Maybe they are praying together or something. It is easy to jump to conclusions, but the facts are not all in.
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  #47  
Old May 04, 2016, 12:50 AM
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I am sorry. I don't know what you can do if HE is done.

Maybe divorce is the best solution? IDK. It sounds like a hard situation.
  #48  
Old May 04, 2016, 02:15 AM
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  #49  
Old May 04, 2016, 03:06 AM
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Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV View Post
I am sorry. I don't know what you can do if HE is done.

Maybe divorce is the best solution? IDK. It sounds like a hard situation.
I think that's the hardest part of situations like these. If one person is totally done there is absolutely nothing you can do other than let go, grieve, pick up the pieces and then move on.

Plus while I think him saying the reason for the divorce is bipolar is a really lame one (and he should explain what about thebipolar makes him want the divorce) he's probably not likely to give any other answers for the divorce that are satisfying. My ex sure didn't.
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  #50  
Old May 04, 2016, 07:27 AM
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I am so sorry cash
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