[BeyondtheRainbow]

I had therapy today and my therapist started us down a path that turned into tears and a fairly deep discussion about several things that don't matter. During that I finally managed to get someone to understand something I've been bringing up for months but nobody has really understood, because it is hard to describe. Essentially I have bunch of memories going back 30 years to when I was a kid that are all of times I did something wrong, was accused of doing something wrong, felt guilty or uncomfortable about something, etc. Those things are played in my head all the time and nothing seems to stop them. If I described them better I'm afraid of them so I've left explanations at that and nobody realized how distressed I've been with it.

So today a point came when I was able to take a chance and tell one of the "stories" that repeats and I am finally going to get help with it. I'm supposed to write them down which will be hard because of the fear of sharing them but I also want them out of my head.

I'm so glad I managed to say the right words finally.

[gina_re]

That's wonderful! Congrats!
My T gave me similar homework about something that needs to be resolved that I'm scared to even think of doing
Good luck and I'm happy you're able to start this process. I hope I can do the same.

[cashart10]

That is wonderful! I hope you find the relief you need soon.

Oh right on! I know how hard it is to deal with trauma. It took me years to process this trauma I had. I finally feel free from it. I hope you find some freedom.

[GoldenSnitch]

That's great news! Congratulations on this big step!

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[violetgreen]

Such a great step forward! You are really brave to confront these old stories! It will get better.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

This turns out to be harder than I thought. I thought that it was the repeat cycle of reasons I'm bad and worthless that was the problem. After making a list of some of these it's not that, it's the thoughts that go with the memories and the names I'm calling myself with them. So I guess I have to go back and try to put the bad stuff with the safely factual stuff.

This shouldn't be so hard. I have been through intense PTSD therapy and it was much, much harder than anything I'm dealing with now; in fact it is not traumatic memories. It is things like times my patients made (not serious) complaints about me or times I've done something slightly wrong. Not a big deal until I start beating myself up.

I am not sure I'll get to the feelings part before Monday. We'll see I guess. I kind of wish I'd set up another appointment this week.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

This turns out to be harder than I thought....

You are a strong woman.
Remember this.
This sounds like your ocd is really getting to you. You list your meds but I don't know some of them. any of them for ocd?
bizi

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thank you. Not feeling very strong right now; I never even touched this today.

I'm not on anything specifically for OCD. It has been worse lately and my therapist mentioned that Monday. I'm on an MAOI which interacts with a lot of stuff and I'm allergic to a lot more so treating it with meds has never come up. It may have to.

There's some pretty intense paranoia mixed in with this; I'm completely terrified something bad will happen if I tell what is going on in my head. I'm newly on a different AP and don't know if that's got a role although this pre-dates the AP by more than a year.

I probably should bring all of it (and the serious scalp picking I've been doing) with my therapist and pdoc soon.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Thank you. Not feeling very strong right now; I never even touched this today.

I'm not on anything specifically for OCD. It has been worse lately and my therapist mentioned that Monday. I'm on an MAOI which interacts with a lot of stuff and I'm allergic to a lot more so treating it with meds has never come up. It may have to.

There's some pretty intense paranoia mixed in with this; I'm completely terrified something bad will happen if I tell what is going on in my head. I'm newly on a different AP and don't know if that's got a role although this pre-dates the AP by more than a year.

I probably should bring all of it (and the serious scalp picking I've been doing) with my therapist and pdoc soon.

Unless you killed someone or did something equivalent, I can guarantee you that nothing bad will happen to you, BeyondtheRainbow. Nothing bad will happen. I passed through the same thing and it felt SO GOOD, to let it all out. It was tough but nothing bad happened, it changed my life and it could very well do the same to you! Therapists and doctors are all there to help you (and enrich themselves but that's not another story! lol) and no one will judge you.

I strongly advise you to tell them everything, it will change your life, trust me. You're a strong, smart woman and you can do this. A LOT of people live in denial, lie to themselves and don't admit they have a problem, you did. You're very strong, you just don't know it yet.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Lazarus16

Unless you killed someone or did something equivalent, I can guarantee you that nothing bad will happen to you, BeyondtheRainbow.

That's almost exactly what my therapist said. He said unless I was a serial killer. I told him there are still things he doesn't know about me (I've seen him 10 years and there are about 3 things he doesn't know).

Now I have to find ways to get him to understand that these "stories" are so mild compared to the PTSD therapy but it is the intrusive, paranoid, obsessive thoughts that HAVE TO STOP. The problem is I'm so ashamed of these things even though they so don't matter. One of them is running away instead of returning to a teacher demanding anyone talking the stairs go back up. My friends went up. I ran. I was 10. I'm now 40. LET IT GO (cue song). Instead I'm embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, etc. Those things lead to worthless, etc. And it's been 30 years, the teacher in question lost his license years ago for growing marijuana, the building doesn't exist anymore. And I'm 40.

So there's one down, sort of...

Thanks for listening and being supportive.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

That's almost exactly what my therapist said. He said unless I was a serial killer. I told him there are still things he doesn't know about me (I've seen him 10 years and there are about 3 things he doesn't know).

Now I have to find ways to get him to understand that these "stories" are so mild compared to the PTSD therapy but it is the intrusive, paranoid, obsessive thoughts that HAVE TO STOP. The problem is I'm so ashamed of these things even though they so don't matter. One of them is running away instead of returning to a teacher demanding anyone talking the stairs go back up. My friends went up. I ran. I was 10. I'm now 40. LET IT GO (cue song). Instead I'm embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, etc. Those things lead to worthless, etc. And it's been 30 years, the teacher in question lost his license years ago for growing marijuana, the building doesn't exist anymore. And I'm 40.

So there's one down, sort of...

Thanks for listening and being supportive.

Luke, I AM your father. HAHAHAHA!! Seriously, nice coincidence.

Just tell them what you wrote, he'll understand. More reasons to let go of such a normal memory. We all do funny things during elementary school, there's nothing wrong in what you did. lol Tell him the next time you see him, it will do you good.

Not ''sort of...'', it is down, the two remaining are next! What are they? I promise I won't kill you and I won't judge. If someone judge you, I'm reporting!

My pleasure, I like to give back and make this world better. You feel so accomplished afterward.

[bizi]

You mentioned the scalp picking...another OCD thing.
I really think that you could benefit from an OCD medication. Not sure which one as the MOIA could interfer with just about anything but luvox is one that seems to help a friend of mine.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I looked it up and I was right: no meds for OCD for me. The only choice would be a 2nd AP or more clozaril. We're trying to get me on less clozaril so I can function and I am out of AP possibilities which is why I'm on clozaril to begin with.

So I guess it's time to tell my therapist the entire story (even though he knows already I haven't admitted everything) and go from there.

And the things that I'm obsessing about we'd have to discuss the same way anyway so I guess not much is lost other than the feeling of an "easy" out and I never get those via meds anyway. I may have been leaving my hair/scalp alone more when I was on more MAOI a few months ago but I'm not sure. If I have to I can talk to my pdoc about that though. The issue with that is that it maxes me out and leaves no room to increase if I get depressed.

I wish meds were easier...

My pdoc told me clozapine can actually worsen OCD.

How wonderful to feel your feelings validated.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

My pdoc told me clozapine can actually worsen OCD.

Interesting. My OCD diagnosis is from my therapist and it's just never come up with my pdoc (too many bigger issues). So she'd never have thought to warn me about this.

I have a feeling it is time for my therapist and pdoc to discuss this. I'm not going to stop the clozaril over it but maybe there is some tweak somewhere with my other meds.

That is fabulous news. Keep up the good work.

[bizi]

yes maybe your tdoc and pdoc can talk.
I wish for you happier days ahead.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Bipolarchic14]

Hopefully you're able to work through your childhood issues so that you can be well