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Old May 14, 2016, 09:46 PM
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I've read a decent amount of posts on here about people questioning the diagnosis, upset at the diagnosis, not sure what to think about the diagnosis, etc. I feel like I am in the minority here because I'm glad I got my diagnosis. For years I would always cry about what was wrong with me. What is this and why couldn't anyone give me an answer to my behavior. I had been to psychiatrists and hospitals, but I was never really told what was going on. They just kept giving me drugs. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. It was all a blur. Then in 2009 when I was having another depressive/irritable episode I went to yet another psychiatrist. She told me I had bipolar depression and explained to me why. I didn't quite understand it at first but I took the drugs and my irritability came down, my depression also disappeared. I read as much as I could about bipolar disorder. The more I read, the more everything made sense to me. I was happy to have an answer to my erratic behavior. I now am better at managing my symptoms now that I understand what they are. I'm somewhat grateful because I was able to get my life back on track and have done a complete 180 since then.
Am I really in the minority of actually being relieved to have been diagnosed? Just curious.
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  #2  
Old May 14, 2016, 10:20 PM
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I agree. I was SO GLAD when I finally knew what was wrong with me. Until then (I figured it out myself and then after my pdoc at the time was clueless I got in to see a world-renowed specialist in bipolar who confirmed things and gave me a clear picture: severe variety, rapid cycling, mixed episodes, would be hard to treat (he had no idea how hard), could be helped with meds available then but not really stabilized easily although perhaps new meds would come out that would do that. He was right on almost every front. The 6 months I went to that clinic for a clinical trial they taught me so much and I just felt more and more "this is ME!" and was glad to finally understand.
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  #3  
Old May 14, 2016, 11:58 PM
smallwonderer smallwonderer is offline
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Originally Posted by gina_re View Post
Am I really in the minority of actually being relieved to have been diagnosed? Just curious.
I hated my diagnosis and demanded to hear anything but that when they told me it in the hospital. I was manic and asked them to tell me I was schizophrenic instead. This is partly because I got diagnosed during mania not depression - might be a relief if it came during depressive symptoms? Additionally, my brother had a girlfriend when I was young who was bipolar (he is 16 yrs older than me) and he used to make fun of her - she was needy, clingy, 'wanted too much sex'. These were not things I identified with and I resisted/resented being lumped into that group, thinking I might be unemployed, homeless, living with my parents or even worse, cut off by family members any moment. Those were my first thoughts when I heard bipolar, and even though I was in a very good hospital, most of the people in there with me had lives I didn't want to have. These days, there are still a lot of things most bipolar people do that I don't do - I don't have concentration or money/spending issues, I don't have trouble with motivation and drive, I don't usually have trouble sleeping unless I am very sick, I have never smoked and I don't have a drinking problem. I just use the bipolar label to understand now where things go wrong (there are plenty of symptoms I do have). I don't resist it but mainly because I no longer assume the most textbook version of it encompasses who I am.
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  #4  
Old May 15, 2016, 12:24 AM
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Who in the world wants to be mentally ill? Not me. I wasn't in and out of hospitals other than my suicide attempts. I didn't want to be put on hardcore meds, which Gina you're not on. I didn't want to be labeled bipolar. I didn't want it. I have a right to feel this way. I hate having bipolar other than the hypos which are gone now bc of the meds. I fought it till I had a psychosis. And I managed ok. What I wouldn't give to know that last hypo would turn so badly...

Last edited by Anonymous41403; May 15, 2016 at 12:45 AM.
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  #5  
Old May 15, 2016, 12:28 AM
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I just found out today that when I was on 15 mgs of zyprexa for sleep my family told me I sounded drugged! It was the only thing at the time that would help me sleep. I HATE HAVING BIPOLAR DISORDER!!! All the people I met oh geez, it's embarrassing....
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  #6  
Old May 15, 2016, 01:59 AM
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annielovesbacon annielovesbacon is offline
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I totally get what you're saying. It's a relief to hear the REASON why you feel the way you feel. My pdoc has been saying for months I "might" have BP and I just want a definitive answer... do I have it or not?
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  #7  
Old May 15, 2016, 06:04 AM
UpDownMiddleGround UpDownMiddleGround is offline
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Originally Posted by rose1985 View Post
I HATE HAVING BIPOLAR DISORDER!!! All the people I met oh geez, it's embarrassing....
I completely get what you are saying. I met two people earlier this week and thought, oh my goodness, I can't be as bad as they are. It makes me question my diagnosis. I hate being classified as mentally ill. I really want this to go away.
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  #8  
Old May 15, 2016, 06:19 AM
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I'm like you. I used to cry and say "if I could only figure out what's actually wrong, I could fix it". While my diagnosis didn't give me the cure, it sure answered soooooo many questions. I was relieved but scared, and while a sure fire cure doesn't exsist, the symptoms can be controlled to a large degree, so overall I'm grateful.
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  #9  
Old May 15, 2016, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by gina_re View Post
Then in 2009 when I was having another depressive/irritable episode I went to yet another psychiatrist. She told me I had bipolar depression and explained to me why. I didn't quite understand it at first but I took the drugs and my irritability came down, my depression also disappeared.
How did your pdoc know it was bipolar depression and not regular depression?

I've always thought bipolar depression was the same as regular depression, but then again, what do I know... I've only ever experienced bipolar depression.
  #10  
Old May 15, 2016, 06:44 AM
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I never had an issue ... just me being me ... then the crack up and ip ... my assigned pdoc would only say your not yourself ... since he had never met me before I had a hard time believing him ... then the drugs .... still felt like just me but so unsure of my ( am I or am I not) dx ... the real break thru was when my wife said ... you are much better .... and of course you guys here have seen my struggle with it ... no one wants to be MI ... but if you is .. you is .... Tigger ..
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  #11  
Old May 15, 2016, 08:32 AM
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I agree with you. I've been suffering with mental illness for most of my life. I went through periods of anorexia, self-harm, extreme depression, and anxiety, etc. and never got an actual diagnosis of bp until about 6 months ago. Once I got diagnosed and read up on bp, more and more things in my life started to sort of make sense. At least now I know why I did some of the things I did and I can work towards stabilizing and becoming healthy.

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  #12  
Old May 15, 2016, 09:19 AM
BastetsMuse BastetsMuse is offline
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I was relieved when I got my bipolar I diagnosis because it was something that could be treated! I'd been in counseling for years without any help, and once I started taking the medications I was able to see where and how to use the advice I got in counseling. I never thought of myself as "mentally ill," and I think that's because it can be chemically treated, like diabetes.

But oh boy, the stigma in my family about mental illness...it was horrible. My husband was the worst (exhusband now). I've never hidden my diagnosis and my exhusband made me feel as though I was a failure in everything -- it turned out he was schizoaffective and his problems were my problems! What a mess until I escaped that marriage.

Things are better now and much more stable.

Last edited by BastetsMuse; May 15, 2016 at 09:22 AM. Reason: added a paragraph
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  #13  
Old May 15, 2016, 10:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smallwonderer View Post
I hated my diagnosis and demanded to hear anything but that when they told me it in the hospital. I was manic and asked them to tell me I was schizophrenic instead. This is partly because I got diagnosed during mania not depression - might be a relief if it came during depressive symptoms? Additionally, my brother had a girlfriend when I was young who was bipolar (he is 16 yrs older than me) and he used to make fun of her - she was needy, clingy, 'wanted too much sex'. These were not things I identified with and I resisted/resented being lumped into that group, thinking I might be unemployed, homeless, living with my parents or even worse, cut off by family members any moment. Those were my first thoughts when I heard bipolar, and even though I was in a very good hospital, most of the people in there with me had lives I didn't want to have. These days, there are still a lot of things most bipolar people do that I don't do - I don't have concentration or money/spending issues, I don't have trouble with motivation and drive, I don't usually have trouble sleeping unless I am very sick, I have never smoked and I don't have a drinking problem. I just use the bipolar label to understand now where things go wrong (there are plenty of symptoms I do have). I don't resist it but mainly because I no longer assume the most textbook version of it encompasses who I am.
Yes, everybody has a different experience with their disorder. But if the symptoms make sense, they make sense. However, it is different for everyone. And it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to have a horrible life because of it, it is what you make of it.
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Old May 15, 2016, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by rose1985 View Post
Who in the world wants to be mentally ill? Not me. I wasn't in and out of hospitals other than my suicide attempts. I didn't want to be put on hardcore meds, which Gina you're not on. I didn't want to be labeled bipolar. I didn't want it. I have a right to feel this way. I hate having bipolar other than the hypos which are gone now bc of the meds. I fought it till I had a psychosis. And I managed ok. What I wouldn't give to know that last hypo would turn so badly...
Who in the world wants to have cancer, diabetes, Lyme disease??
Life happens that we can't always control. Sure there is stigma with MI, but it's up to us in how we deal with it and to not make it worse and/or prove that is how people with disorders actually are. You also do not know what meds I have been on in the past. This particular cocktail has made it possible to be stabile now, which is why I have made that 180 I was referring to. It is what you make of it. I'm sorry you've had such a negative experience with it.

Last edited by gina_re; May 15, 2016 at 12:12 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old May 15, 2016, 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
How did your pdoc know it was bipolar depression and not regular depression?

I've always thought bipolar depression was the same as regular depression, but then again, what do I know... I've only ever experienced bipolar depression.
Bipolar disorder is different than regular depression (e.g. mixed episodes). Which was probably why I was acting the way I was. Plus after I gave her my past history and my behavior when I would visit her would confirm it.
  #16  
Old May 15, 2016, 10:59 AM
smallwonderer smallwonderer is offline
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Originally Posted by gina_re View Post
Yes, everybody has a different experience with their disorder. But if the symptoms make sense, they make sense. However, it is different for everyone. And it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to have a horrible life because of it, it is what you make of it.
Agreed I know that now. But I didn't know that for the first couple of years after my diagnosis, especially with people in the hospital telling me "You have the most severe bipolar we can think of based on how you presented." You know, I think my situation was a little colored by two things:

I come from a family with a lot of mental illness. Probably tons with undiagnosed BP1 and BP2. My mother was in a psychiatric hospital twice for lengthy stays, once for a full summer when I was a pre-teen. I always viewed it as part of my identity to be the one who held it together and was the 'sane' one. Probably the coping skills I developed as a result did help keep me together, but my diagnosis turned that life upside down.

Also, I am a scientist and was an ardent atheist. To admit that I lost all rationality and didn't know up from down was a huge blow to the picture of myself I had as a rational being.
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Old May 15, 2016, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by smallwonderer View Post
Agreed I know that now. But I didn't know that for the first couple of years after my diagnosis, especially with people in the hospital telling me "You have the most severe bipolar we can think of based on how you presented." You know, I think my situation was a little colored by two things:

I come from a family with a lot of mental illness. Probably tons with undiagnosed BP1 and BP2. My mother was in a psychiatric hospital twice for lengthy stays, once for a full summer when I was a pre-teen. I always viewed it as part of my identity to be the one who held it together and was the 'sane' one. Probably the coping skills I developed as a result did help keep me together, but my diagnosis turned that life upside down.

Also, I am a scientist and was an ardent atheist. To admit that I lost all rationality and didn't know up from down was a huge blow to the picture of myself I had as a rational being.
Totally understandable. A girl in PHP with me was pretty much in the same situation.
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Old May 15, 2016, 11:59 AM
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I have struggled for many yrs with Dxs. For a few reasons.
1. I been dxed with multiple MIs.
2. Med resistant, sensitive, opposite effects..
3. Being simutaniously dxed w/ BP2 and BPD... that has really made things confusing cuz going thru "the 20 question" dx..... responses are too close.
I have come to accept that i prob have both. But now looking back, the worse into either end of BP i would sink, thats when BPD behaviours and delusions would get worst.
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Old May 15, 2016, 12:30 PM
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Bipolar disorder is different than regular depression (e.g. mixed episodes). Which was probably why I was acting the way I was. Plus after I gave her my past history and my behavior when I would visit her would confirm it.
Ohhh. I thought you meant a bipolar depressive episode vs a unipolar depressive episode.

I know what you mean about mixed episodes. When I first went to see my pdoc, I was in a mixed state. I was experiencing a loss of interest, isolation, anxiety, & guilt, but also sleeping 3-4 hours a night, feeling high energy, having racing thoughts, and being very productive despite feeling highly distractible. Feeling irritable as well.

I didn't know any better, so I thought it was my ADHD acting up. lol. I told my pdoc, "We have to do something about this ADHD. This ADHD is becoming a real problem."
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  #20  
Old May 15, 2016, 01:01 PM
Anonymous41403
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Originally Posted by UpDownMiddleGround View Post
I completely get what you are saying. I met two people earlier this week and thought, oh my goodness, I can't be as bad as they are. It makes me question my diagnosis. I hate being classified as mentally ill. I really want this to go away.
I have bp and PTSD too. It's so hard, I understand.
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  #21  
Old May 15, 2016, 01:06 PM
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Who in the world wants to have cancer, diabetes, Lyme disease??
Life happens that we can't always control. Sure there is stigma with MI, but it's up to us in how we deal with it and to not make it worse and/or prove that is how people with disorders actually are. You also do not know what meds I have been on in the past. This particular cocktail has made it possible to be stabile now, which is why I have made that 180 I was referring to. It is what you make of it. I'm sorry you've had such a negative experience with it.
I apologize for being rude to you. But I still feel the way I do. Once again I'm sorry.
  #22  
Old May 15, 2016, 01:12 PM
violetgreen violetgreen is offline
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I accept my dx because it fits with my experience. Before I knew I had mi, I was an ally. So, I've thought about things like stigma. Now I'm learning about disability rights, pride and culture. I don't want to compare my symptoms to anyone else to make myself think someone else is in worse shape than me. That type of jousting for position pisses me off. Things don't always feel right or go right, but so what?
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  #23  
Old May 15, 2016, 01:25 PM
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I was in a really bad mood last night, I shouldn't have even posted. I had just found out for 9 months on the zyprexa I sounded drugged. My family didn't say anything bc they trusted the drs. They said I didn't sound like horribly drugged but a little.

I apologize to everyone. I don't absolutely hate bp. I have a hard time with the meds. I'm actually doing a lot better than I was. New ap. But I just need to take a couple days and not post. I hope ppl can forgive me.
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  #24  
Old May 15, 2016, 09:44 PM
Gabyunbound Gabyunbound is offline
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I'm not glad to have bipolar disorder, but I'm glad to have finally been diagnosed correctly. Also having had a pdoc who explained it to me in-depth and, over time, helped me to find my own narrative, my own vocabulary to describe what I was experiencing.
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Old May 16, 2016, 04:29 AM
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When I was diognosed my dreams of getting better, my dream career went out the window. I was hoping I over exaturated. That meds would give me the ability to succeed in school. My first pdoc was an idiot and didn’t see the psycosis. She just kept threatening to hospitalize me. Which made me not trust her with anything. She wanted me in therapy but I didn't trust therapists.

My main problem is accepting there's something actually wrong with me. Before meds I would just lay down and "go away" for a while and my mania is because "there's so many stupid people in the world ". My psycosis shows up as strange thoughts but to me that's who I am. In some ways I lack insight other ways I'm really good at insight. I think that's my problem accepting the diognose.

I had dreams and bp stole them. I can't even volunteer without running the risk of psycosis. I know I have other disabilities but they don't seem as bad as bp. To be honest I wanted bpd (didn't know it was called that). Not to lessen anyone's experience of that just the idea of therapy helping what's wrong with my moods without meds appeals to me.

I have this HUGE debt now with nothing to show for it. I know a lot of you are going to think I didn't have to give up my dreams but the long odd hours in a high stress environment is not conductive to bp. I was suppose to be able to pay my student loans back and pay taxes for all the help I got in college but now I'm stuck on assistance for the rest of my life do to bp. So that's why it's hard for me to accept the diognose even though I'm the poster child for bp.
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