How much stock do you put in your dreams? *trigger*

So, I had a very weird (for me) dream this morning. I normally dream about really straightforward things, like forgetting to get something on the grocery list, or something equally as mundane. My dream this morning was 'normal' in that, unlike my husband and many others I know, it was like a real-life situation. No superpowers, no weird anti-physics/anti-reality stuff going on.

I dreamed that I was having a therapy appointment with an older male therapist. In reality, not someone I know, and I sort of had the feeling in the dream like I didn't know him particularly well; maybe a newer therapist or something. I noticed when I came in to the appointment that he had some pillows and a crumpled sheet on his couch - like he slept there routinely and didn't really tidy up or something. He sat on the couch for the session, and for some reason I was sitting on the floor. I was talking to him initially and trying to explain to him what I was hoping to achieve in therapy. The next thing I knew, I was sort of coming back to awareness. I had been in a totally black space, but hadn't realized it. I was sort of rocking back and forth when I 'came to' and he was just patiently staring at me, waiting. I asked how long I was out (btw, in real life this doesn't happen to me), and he said about 30 minutes. I noticed that I had an ace bandage or something like that wrapped around the top of my head, but that once I noticed it I knew it had been there the whole time. No idea what that was about.

Anyway, he had a really kind look on his face, and he told me calmly, 'Come here.' Like he was trying to comfort me.



I don't know why I didn't just react and protect myself. I don't know why I turned my back on him in the first place. I have trained in martial arts for years, and this is one of my fears - that I'll freeze when push comes to shove; that I'm not, for all my training, capable of honestly protecting myself.

And I don't know why this was the scenario, why it was a therapist. I'm not normally able to remember dreams in detail at all, and this was hours ago, now. It's still really disturbing to me. I'm figuring my mind is trying to work something else out - but I'm not sure what. Maybe about vulnerability/trust and having that abused? Maybe about inadequacy? Maybe about feeling unsafe? I don't know...and I can't figure out how to not think about it.

Do any of you have vivid/real dreams like this? What do you make of it when it happens?

On the forums page for psychcentral, http://forums.psychcentral.com/ 13th permanent thread down, is for sleep and dreams interpretation. Just mentioning it in case you didn't know. I enjoy looking at it occasionally, but I don't remember my dreams as often as I wish.

My opinion of dreams: In dreams, we are not necessarily ourselves - we might be the bad character, the victim, the book case, the cat in the window, the rug, the air. Everything in the dream we create, and we may be looking at the dream from any perspective - so dreams shouldn't be taken literally.

Dreams are insights into what we think and feel, our past memories or repression, our imagination of any of that. Another insight isn't what we dream, but how we feel about the actions within the dream when we awaken. What emotion do we have shows how we treat ourselves?

A common dream I have is trying to buy a house, and water is in or around the house. I appreciated learning what a house meant, and what water meant.
https://www.dreamscloud.com/dream-dictionary/w/water

I never tried to buy a house with an ex-husband in my dreams, and often was moving away (the sensation of moving away). Not until 25 years passed and I dreamt of a house with water with the current husband, and instead of moving away from something, but building things within our current (although it was current it looked different) house did I understand parts of the dream.

I am going to respond to your specific dream on another comment. it will take awhile.

My evaluation of your dream. Could be TOTALLY WRONG.

What I think things mean:

Therapy: (I am evaluating myself - shows you are in a state of better self understanding)

Male therapist: (the male is myself or my impression of what men are or mean to me - I might be evaluating myself, or I might consider evaluation of myself leaves me weaker - male suggests strength - STRONG / THERAPY = Growth I cannot turn away from)

I do not know this therapist well: (I am not sure where therapy will take me - I don't know what to expect from strangers).

Pillows/sheet: At therapy, I will be vulnerable. (I am vulnerable when it comes to sleeping or sexuality or intimacy or therapy).

He sat on the couch: ( I notice he sat on the couch which means, I want to pay attention to how my vulnerability relates to the intimacy of sleep/sexuality/therapy, intimacy.)

I was talking to him initially: (I pretend to ignore when things make me alert, and try to pretend everything is fine and try to focus on my goals.)

totally black space: (I went into myself, because I was in touch with my deeper subconscious because there are places and things about me I ignore and do not explore.)

Rocking back and forth: (In touch with vulnerabilities and offering self comfort.)

patiently staring at me, 30 minutes, bandage, head: (a few interpretations: but it seems to me this: I was vulnerable for a time in my life, but therapy has helped and is helping me or, even if I am vulnerable, I will come out okay)

Kind look, calmness, come here, squicks: (Myself or another person who offers me comfort for my vulnerabilities is being too suspicious. Seems that you have deep trust issues, and possibly little tolerance for yourself being vulnerable 'weak')

You being on the floor, and the table have significance in my opinion because you always keep yourself low: (lower is the vulnerable position - child postition- and the table was significant - Table Dream Interpretation - Dream Dictionary - Dream Meaning - explains table in a believable way - basically authority or judgement)

taking off pants but still had pants on: ( transition from suit to white pants and white undershirt - although the white pants and undershirt are not the material of a gi, they are the color, and they didn't remind you of pajamas or I think you would have mentioned it - transition of authority to relaxed - it seems you consider boundaries of social and private to be rigid. That is a self reflection - are you judgemental when you consider yourself or other people acting too unprofessional? would you view someone wearing shorts to church doing something wrong?)

came up behind me/nude: (behind instead of in front might mean, you fear if you are not vigilant, people can sneak into your vulnerable area - not physically, but also emotionally or mentally - you like to watch people, what is going on etc - you like to feel in control and not let people surprise you- you fear or expect people can fool you, which is why they can 'come up behind' )

younger/ stronger/ eye: (You consider strength to be seen in muscles or in willpower - you believe you can see peoples strength and judge their danger by stereotypes)

the take down you almost expected, but stayed semi-upright and everything about that was a fighter poised to respond. (Sounds like you have had enough training to know that you allow the person to back away before you will attack - that is better then the untrained wild response of someone not at black belt. Remember, training teaches us not to respond unless necessary. As frightening as the experience, it seems you know you can handle yourself.

Your awake evaluation that you should have attacked seems to suggest you still fear you will allow yourself to be victimized - but actually the entire dream seems to suggest you are so vigilant that in any circumstances you will be alert and ready to respond.

If the dream stopped there, I would understand. If it continued and you didn't share, then my final opinion would possibly vary.

In my opinion, you have incorporated your martial arts growth, with a sort of therapy and you have come to the point where you know that when vulnerable - you will defend and attack if necessary. It seems the scenario of being vulnerable still worries you, but overall you will respond when provoked - but not overly so.

Just my thoughts.

Final thought: (hopefully final teehee)

Dreams teach us what we think as well. For example your impression that danger will come from young/strong/steely eyed actually means when you meet young/strong/steely eye your prepared for anything. So the real danger could come from something you wouldn't expect which would be the opposite of those things. So the next time a frail looking, 90 year old lady gets behind you in the store, watch out! (just kidding, but I think you understand - dreams show us our viewpoint by the shapes they take).

Thank you for sharing your dream with us. I had fun talking with you about it.

Holy crap. You should do this. Professionally.

Seriously, everything you are saying is pretty spot on. The only thing I differ on slightly is being judgmental about the right ways to act in various scenarios. I'm pretty lax about what others do, by and large, but am very rigid about what it a proper way for me to behave in any given scenario. And I have a lot of shame associated with that when I think I've behaved in a way I shouldn't have (said the wrong thing, didn't say the right thing, arrived/left at an off time, should have brought a gift, etc.).

I think the vigilance idea really strikes home for me. I'm constantly vigilant about all sorts of things, including vulnerability, intimacy, putting the right face forward, etc. Therapy has helped me to sort through some of these areas when they were not helpful to me (being hyper-vigilant about exactly how many vegetables and what variety my kids ate every day, for example, and feeling like a failure myself and angry at my husband if he sent lunch without a veggie).

Also, I've been a lot more vulnerable in my real life lately, both with my husband and with a good friend. It's been a real struggle. With my friend it's been easy, but it's been very hard with my husband. I fight myself to do that and be honest about what's going on, instead of saying what's easiest and will get us to move on the quickest - even if that means lying to him and telling him everything's OK or blaming my mood on something totally unrelated.

Trust is a big one for me, and my husband has been almost entirely trustworthy as long as I've known him. He had a minor slip one time, about 8 years ago or so, and read a private journal of mine. I was depressed and wrote down a ton of horrible thoughts to get them out of my brain. It was awful, and I haven't written anything real since for fear of him not being able to control the urge to look. You would think I could let that go, but I haven't yet. Another facet to the vulnerability/trust can lead to betrayal, even from someone who you think is there to help. Maybe that's the feeling that's coming up now that I'm trying to be more honest with him lately - like poking an old wound.

It sounds like you have a good handle on yourself.

You know how they say bipolar and borderline personality disorder are so similar. It sounds to me like some of your trust issue responses could be better understood and overcome with some borderline personality disorder understanding and training.

I only say this because I have both. My bipolar was diagnosed in my teens, and in my opinion, my borderline issues maybe have already started seeding - but I think being stalked in my 20's then marrying someone bad for me from 25-35 developed my borderline which was diagnosed at age 49/50.

For me, learning to understand where each of my moods come from- BP, BPD, GAD, ED helps me to understand how to respond to them.

Example, last night I got mad - but for NO REASON at all. Of course, I looked for areas to target the anger at (anger likes to be fed) but I was able to identify that it had no trigger (so it wasn't BPD) it came from no where, so was probably a combination of a cup of coffee and my meds triggering a little BP. So, I tried containing it - I explained to my husband that it was groundless but I needed space so I didn't do anything I would regret, and eventually (today) it went away.

Understanding the place our extreme moods come from helps us to apply the right coping mechanism.

And I believe your correction that you believe you are lax with other people, but have high self- expectations. I would retort," yes but with other people that are strangers and distant acquaintances, .... or with other people who's actions can have a reflection on yourself?"

Know what I mean? A person can be relaxed when they are not emotionally involved, but strict with children, spouse, friends your out with in public.

High self expectation can help us to achieve, but it can also hinder and cross into over controlling.

I am over-controlling based on fear and insecurity. I have learned that I can trust my husband (he took a lot of punishment before I learned this). The bowls don't have to be kept next to the plates any longer.

I have learned that just because I think something is right, doesn't make it right. Our marriage has improved by really becoming each others best friend.

You sound like your doing great! Keep dreaming.

Addition: I didn't see if you were male or female when I was interpreting your dream. Since you are married, unless it is a same sex marriage, I presume you are female. (if you were a male or in a same sex marriage, it would depend on whether you were the boss, or the supporter or if you were equally balanced - which is hard to achieve in any scenario)

... anyway.... haha

Anyway, you can also look at the fact that you chose a male as a therapist as having meaning: Therapy = Danger / Danger = Change - Male + dominate or threat, Male = helpful toward change, Male = authority.... many things

But since you were shorter/on the ground it suggests that you consider male as dominant, and therapy as dominant and a path to change which can be dangerous.

Also, the male calling you closer and the table becoming prominent suggests that with males come judgement. (Not that they judge you, but you judge you with them).

When attacked the character changed image but not gender - again an indication that male gender is more dangerous to you.

I still stand by the fact that you are prepared to defend yourself although you cannot be certain of the outcome. I think this is healthy and honest. Also - if you did awaken yourself at that moment it seems the brain wants to be 1 of 3 things: 1. fully alert when attacked (good sign) 2. too traumatized by the suggestion of that much vulnerability to handle it anymore (need a lot of work). 3. Not huge emotional response, you just woke up without heart racing or a big emotion means the dream concluded and the lesson wasn't danger as much as you have a belief you are prepared, although you also see and understand threats exist.

The emotion you had when you awoke has meaning.

The emotion and self evaluation about how you viewed how you handled yourself also has meaning.

You were not pleased with yourself for not reacting to protect yourself. Mainly, I think you were reacting and protecting yourself but that part of the dream just wasn't important for your subconscious mind. "The Fight" you were looking for comes from your desire to see the story play out. Also, from your curiosity as to how you would do in a real fight. So, in my opinion - don't put too much judgement on the fact that 'the fight' didn't play out in the dream unless you woke up feeling terrified (#2 needs work).

Sorry if I said something here redundant. The human mind is so fascinating, I get caught up.

I agree with you - it is fascinating. I took your suggestion and posted on the Dreams board, too.

I am female, and I was raised with a strong, judgmental father, a mother whose primary judgments were related to appearance to others (particularly men/authority), and two older brothers who were highly competitive with each other, me, and in general. There was a lot of emphasis on winning, and strong negative reactions to emotions/weakness/vulnerability. I learned early on that vulnerabilities are targets for attack.

I am also change-averse, so that aligns with a lot of what you're saying. I wasn't always that way, but I've grown more into it over time.

When I woke, I was disappointed with myself for waiting, but I take comfort from your original interpretation of that (that I was restrained enough to offer the option to not fight, while being prepared to do so if necessary). I didn't have a racing heart or adrenaline, or any other sort of emotional or physical reaction going on. I can see what you mean about wanting to be fully alert if attacked, while also feeling prepared without losing sight of the reality of threat(s).

Interesting what you also said about the gi in your first post - that wasn't what it reminded me of consciously, but the other interpretations of the table/authority and feeling judgment comes with the male energy...I could see that in a real way. I've been struggling with my martial arts lately, following an injury and feeling ashamed of how much physical and practical ground I've lost while not being able to work out to the degree and skill level I feel should be expected at my belt level. I'm nervous to practice in front of our studio's Master, because I'm afraid of my self-judgments being confirmed. He did observe me a week ago, though, and gave me some seriously constructive feedback and praise. It felt like he was responding directly to my fears, which I had mentioned two nights previously to my husband; I had to verify with my husband that he didn't go and talk to our Master about what I had been saying - it was that targeted to what I had been feeling/fearing.

Anyway, long story short - there are so many ways in which your interpretations are speaking to me about long-term themes in my life and my more immediate fears, anxieties, and situations. Fascinating is DEFINITELY the right term.

Thanks!!

Oh, I thought of another thing 'therapy' might have meant.

The therapists office also might have meant = therapy means judgement.

You see, dream interpretation is so difficult because everyone can view something different then others, and different then themselves at different times in their own life.

But ya, the office itself may have been a negative. Certain things don't change - your sitting on the floor and beneath would always be the vulnerable position.

------------

When I am evaluated, I am vulnerable. Danger may come from anywhere. Can I protect myself?

Wow, Anrea.

As an overarching summary, I don't think it gets more spot-on that this. Now THIS is something I could really chew on with my T if I went back to therapy. My husband has been at me for years to listen to & read Brene Brown's work. It's pretty heavily tied to how I relate to a lot of things in life, in terms of feeling evaluated/judged, avoiding vulnerability at all costs, and feeling/fearing shame all the time over what are common human experiences.

Or, maybe I'll save the $, dream another rich dream tonight, and get back to you in the morning for some more insight!

Seriously, though - you've given me a lot to think over and no small amount of peace over something that disturbed me all morning. Thank you for that...