and just cried.
I'd looked out of the peephole, and the fear hit. It's not going to happen. I can't go out there.

I should go.

To everyone who has someone in their life who cares enough to help you
Who takes your pain to heart
Who actually steps up to the plate when you're not able to help yourself
Who will hold your hand and help you to get help

Be grateful.

Don't take it for granted.

[BipolaRNurse]

I'm so sorry you're feeling low. I will take your words to heart.

[Prism Bunny]

You are not alone, and I know what you mean.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs, innerzone. If I were there I'd help you!

[~Christina]

Awww Iz I have no magical words to make it all better.. But I understand and care. I'm always here for you

[UpDownMiddleGround]

(((hugs))) I commend you for making it to the door. There are many who can't make it that far. I'm in your corner cheering you on!!

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry, I know it doesn't count for much but we're all here for you.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm so sorry IZ Wish I could hold your hand hun, and I will take to heart your reminder

[hopeless2015]

HUGS

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[violetgreen]

Thanks for saying what it's like, sometimes I'm there but too agitated to say what's going on.

[lilypup]

I can get out the door, but find it impossible to drive and damned hard to ride in a car. I know a lot of ur pain. Hugs to you.

I apologize as I know not the background. Is it running into people? Being outside? Or is there a different trigger?

For me, I actually felt safer walking in my neighbourhood in the dark when there were no people. My therapist (who even met me a few times) suggested I take my walks 30min later each week until eventually I was able to encounter being around some other people. She was also good enough to discover a 24hr grocery store so I could get out and do my groceries when the shop was nearly empty.

Do you have some sort of patio or deck or maybe a place you could put a chair outside? You could start with simply touching the chair.

Maybe too if you were to place something comforting inside the door?

Perhaps I'm just grasping at straws. I really wish I could help.

Awww, guys, I just pictured you all in my living room and had such a surge of gratitude.
All the more strongly as I'd just been reprimanded for expressing something I'm supposed to just choke down my pain and fear about.

And that's part of it really. Not only having grown up to never ask for help, but to be "the strong one" who's just expected to somehow just silently deal with everything, deferring to everyone else's "stuff". Defer. Always defer. But that is a subject unto itself.

So when it comes to what I need personally, and it's up to me to see to it... It doesn't happen.

[Rjaye]

Innerzone, you made it to the door. That might not seem like much, but you got there. Keeping you in my thoughts. I hope you are doing better now, but I have been there, too.

[cincidak]

I've been there innerzone. Hugs

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[BrazenApogee]

do you have a T? some are willing to do home visits. (((hugz)))

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I apologize as I know not the background. Is it running into people? Being outside? Or is there a different trigger?

For me, I actually felt safer walking in my neighbourhood in the dark when there were no people. My therapist (who even met me a few times) suggested I take my walks 30min later each week until eventually I was able to encounter being around some other people. She was also good enough to discover a 24hr grocery store so I could get out and do my groceries when the shop was nearly empty.

Do you have some sort of patio or deck or maybe a place you could put a chair outside? You could start with simply touching the chair.

Maybe too if you were to place something comforting inside the door?

Perhaps I'm just grasping at straws. I really wish I could help.

Thanks, justafriend. You are sweet. Good question. I don't have agoraphobia, but there are times shen I get agoraphobic. Basically, when especially depressed. Or paranoid. It is not outside per se, but the interaction. Having to deal with people. Being seen. Just dealing at all. Only about a dozen people would even know who I am at all. So it's not a case of, "Oh my, what would Mrs. Withersnoot say?!" kind of situation. No one would recognize me or care. Still, it pains me to realize how close I am to being that person who trundles onto the bus in pajamas and clearly a mess.

Night is better, yes. Feels more hidden. My neighborhood is not considered all that safe, but it bothers me less than you'd think. It is much harder to make myself go out to get help in the middle of the day than to walk down to the convienence store alone in the middle of the night.

Which I guess underscores how much about "getting help" it really is.

Good God. Sometimes writing it out, you know?
Hey, yeah, red light district, drugs, homeless, the odd gang shooting, no sidewalks, sparse lighting, 3 am. Walk down to the store? Um, yeah, ok.
Go out in the daylight to a place set up to help? Terrifying!

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

do you have a T? some are willing to do home visits. (((hugz)))

I have a PMHNP (psychiatric nurse practioner, which is for both therapy and prescriptions here). I haven't called. At first, I just figured I could do it. Tough up. Deal. Or jump on it while too much of a mess to talk myself out of it, you know?

I don't know about home visits (plus it's not all that close by). I'm not sure if that's the ticket. I really like her, and she's been just great, but there is one drawback. She's independent. It has upsides too, but she can't, for instance, check me in someplace. Also, not under my insurance. She has advised, like we do here, to just go to the ER should the need arise. Now, being on medicaid, my psych coverage is with the county. But I've not actually dealt with them, so that's all quite unfamiliar (therefore the scary unknown). My physical insurance coverage group, I love, and it is familiar. So, go there, because it is familiar, even if I get re-routed? Or go to a psych-specific county-associated place? Or call the county? Ack. Phones. Worse than doors.

Anyhow, welcome to the brain blender. Ugh. And back around. We're into her off days. Which, as you can see from above, may not be all that relevant.

At THIS moment, I'm thinking ride it out. The visions in those moments of agitation have all been, while grim, not terribly likely. Accomplishing nothing but messing myself up is a pretty effective reality-check for me. Besides, most of the time I can't muster to give a rat's azz.

In the agitated time is when it really strikes how I'm not as tough as all that as I'd like to think...
It's hard to admit just how much hand holding I actually do need sometimes.

Is there anyone you could call? A crisis line?

[cincidak]

Call a crisis line. I'm on ssdi, and where I live there's an actual crisis center called Netcare. If I call them and need to come in they will even get a cab to pick me up. I went in like five times in the Winter of 2013. They got me stabilized. You aren't weak, you have an illness that makes you chemically imbalanced. You often times have little choice in how you feel. I'm stable now thanks to my Dr and the right psych meds. God bless, my prayers are with you.

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[cincidak]

If all else fails go to the er, but get stable. You don't have to be miserable.

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Thanks, rose (and cincidak, came through while writing)- I'm holding tight at the moment. A little more stable today. Made myself get a couple little things done, move around a bit. Doing alright as long as I can stay distracted. Straightened up the sheets, going to plunk back down with some food (so freaking hungry!! I'm really bad about not eating when depressed) and put on some dvds (some from bluebicycle's recent recommendations thread, as it happens) Then knock myself out, I suppose. See what tomorrow's deal is.

It helps just knowing you all are out there. It really does.

[Yoda]

[BrazenApogee]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I have a PMHNP (psychiatric nurse practioner, which is for both therapy and prescriptions here). I haven't called. At first, I just figured I could do it. Tough up. Deal. Or jump on it while too much of a mess to talk myself out of it, you know?

I don't know about home visits (plus it's not all that close by). I'm not sure if that's the ticket. I really like her, and she's been just great, but there is one drawback. She's independent. It has upsides too, but she can't, for instance, check me in someplace. Also, not under my insurance. She has advised, like we do here, to just go to the ER should the need arise. Now, being on medicaid, my psych coverage is with the county. But I've not actually dealt with them, so that's all quite unfamiliar (therefore the scary unknown). My physical insurance coverage group, I love, and it is familiar. So, go there, because it is familiar, even if I get re-routed? Or go to a psych-specific county-associated place? Or call the county? Ack. Phones. Worse than doors.

Anyhow, welcome to the brain blender. Ugh. And back around. We're into her off days. Which, as you can see from above, may not be all that relevant.

At THIS moment, I'm thinking ride it out. The visions in those moments of agitation have all been, while grim, not terribly likely. Accomplishing nothing but messing myself up is a pretty effective reality-check for me. Besides, most of the time I can't muster to give a rat's azz.

In the agitated time is when it really strikes how I'm not as tough as all that as I'd like to think...
It's hard to admit just how much hand holding I actually do need sometimes.

I got my T by email. Did a search online and found him. Checked about acceptance of insurance and negotiated everything online. In fact to this day, over a year with him, I have yet to call him on the phone. The first time showing up was hard, yes, but it gets better. There are T's who take medicaid. I encourage you to get help.

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

I got my T by email. Did a search online and found him. Checked about acceptance of insurance and negotiated everything online. In fact to this day, over a year with him, I have yet to call him on the phone. The first time showing up was hard, yes, but it gets better. There are T's who take medicaid. I encourage you to get help.

Thanks, BrazenApogee. Initial contact by email, interesting! I have used email to communicate with her a few times, but not at first. When I started trying to find someone, I had no insurance, and it was so hard to find someone. Anyhow, that was 6 years ago. By the time I did get covered, I'd been going to her for years and didn't want to switch for a number of reasons. I do still consider from time to time, but... I like her and it takes me forever to open up, so switching to the bureaucratic unknown is .... frightening at best.

(Regarding the whole phone thing....I'm quite phone phobic, especially with certain types of calls (it can take weeks or months to tackle sometimes) and in certain mental states. I only called a crisis line once --years ago-- and had a bad experience, which didn't help, that's for sure. I do use phones, but comfort level varies a lot. There was considerable paranoia at the start of this episode, which didn't help anything.

Sorry not to reply yesterday. I spent the whole day sleeping, then marathoning dvds to avoid thinking much. Today's plan involves a lot of sleeping. Has gone to too much inertia to be a danger, but I'll be keeping an eye on it.

And back to sleep...