Left a party early...

My BFF here in Illinois had a birthday party for her son who is turning 4 tomorrow. Anyway, I was of course there, but I ended up leaving early. I made excuse that I was getting tired, which is partially true, but I really left early because it was way too crowded at their house and my anxiety was about to go through the roof. Sometimes I just wish I could take back this stupid diagnosis, or crawl into a hole and just hide from reality. Is it bad to feel like this? I feel guilty for leaving early and not even helping to clean up, although I did help with the setup. Maybe I'm just too hard on myself?

I'd say too hard on yourself. It's so easy to ruminate.

You helped set up and were there for some of it. If you don't have a little one of the same age, you've already gone beyond the minimum. Don't beat yourself up over this.

I know, but there's still a part of me that feels guilty. I think part of it is because I know her husband deals with anxiety issues like I do, but he obviously can't just up and leave his own kids party. She and I had a chat earlier about his anxiety (actually we talk about it frequently) because she found something on his phone the other day that made her start to question his faithfulness to her, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for the reassurance

I also think you are being too hard on yourself. Anxiety is part of the reason why I don't go to many social events including family ones. I just go out with my sister or mom or even sometimes (when I am feeling daring) I go visit my best friend.

Other than that crowds really make me uncomfortable these days. Even sitting in traffic surrounded by a bunch of cars.

Traffic for me seems to be the worst trigger. I find myself constantly freaking out when I'm stuck in traffic. I actually changed my work hours in hopes of avoiding so much traffic. Unfortunately the problem now is that there is so much construction going on that there seems to be a constant flow of traffic, no matter what.

There's a saying around here in the Chicago area...there are 2 seasons, winter and construction. That pretty much says it all.

At least you went.That's Yuge! I have declined more invitations than I can count. Nobody expects me to come to anything anymore.

Go easy on yourself. Nobody is at the top of their game all the time. We all need to cut ourselves some slack from time to time. (((Hugs)))

I've started to realize I'm doing that more and more and it makes me sad and angry.

You were recently diagnosed, give yourself time to find the right medication combination. That and therapy will make a huge difference. Please go easy on yourself.

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I totally understand. I completely ruined my best friend's birthday one year by having one of my worst meltdowns ever at a night club. It's not our fault, we have an illness. We can't always do the same things that others can, but the fact that you went even for a little while really speaks to your strength. You should commend yourself, not beat yourself up.

Thanks everyone. After a few Xanax and some sleep I'm feeling better. Like cincidak said, I'm still 'new' to all this, but I've also been one to always beat up on myself because I've always been different. I also have a birth defect and spent many years feeling sheltered without a lot of friends because of it. Anyway, enough of my pity party.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better now. Definitely go easy on yourself even though that's not easy. Just going is a huge step!

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I'm sorry that happened. If I think back long and hard I'm sure I probably had a similar experience.

I stay away from parties for that very reason: I don't feel comfortable in crowded places.

BTW, this discomfort has nothing to do with claustrophobia either. I actually *like* small, tight spaces.

I just get overwhelmed with too many people nearby. I break down internally. I'm not sure what it is that I dislike. It think there's just too much to process at once -- too much stimulation.

IMO, every person has their limit in terms of how much stimulation they can handle. Your limit is probably low like mine.

I get the same way, however, it seems to be getting worse.

Yep, I completely relate to this.

I understand your feelings. With Bipolar, sometimes I get sensitive to to being in environments with too much stimulation (crowds, loud sounds, out of comfort zone). I also understand the guilt of not being able to follow through with the things we want to do, but it's all part of it. Sometimes I avoid going places and make excuses during certain times. I feel guilt, but look back and realize we all have our limitations and have to take care of ourselves when feeling that way when faced with pressure. Symptoms come and go though....plus, therapy and medication could help make a lot of days more manageable. So I try to approach those days reminding myself, "It's not going to be like this every day." Like others said, go easy on yourself. You are going to have your good days, and your bad days. It's normal. It just sounds like you are going through a more difficult time than usual.

I guess a part of me is almost embarrassed as well. I know a lot of her family and her husbands as well. They've all pretty much taken me in as one of them, if that makes sense. You see, ever since I moved to the Chicago area 11+ years ago I have been alone, without any family. Now that my brother is living here I am hoping it will help in some ways, just knowing that he will be close enough in case something should happen to me. I wouldn't want him to lose his job over it, but at least I know if/when I need him he can be there. He's younger than me, but has always been very protective of me as well because of all the issues I've dealt with having been born with a birth defect and getting teased by other kids all the time when we were younger.

I definitely need to start opening up more about my feelings with my therapist and pdoc. There are just times when I feel like whatever I have to say will just be silly and they'll think 'what is up with her?' I know, it's silly to think that way, but I always feel as if I'm be judged by others.