[dreamrunner]

Hi all.
Made it back after a week of riding.....my butts still in one piece(well two actually lol)and we only hit rain for two hrs of entire week.I sunburnt pretty bad, twice......great tan now,although I do resemble a fudgicle

Well enough with the banter,got a question for all my bp friends.

I dont want to upset or disturb anyone so I apologise if I do.

Ive really come to realize that when Im possibly "hypomanic" I congure up a plans to "take off "and spend a night or two of binge drinking and other self harm.
These are persistant and recurrent mental snapshots of the event.
Throughout the last couple years my thoughts have been directed at self destruction.Put myself in dangerous positions....not an outright plan but 3 months ago ,durring a deep depression, I spent quite a bit of time focusing on how I would commit suicide If I didnt get better.I still have the stockpile of pills I had saved and hidden.
Things are much better since that time....much more stable but this past mental picture has gone from suicide to self harm and it has gotten very detailed and I sometimes have the feelings that I would like to follow through on those plans.
Im a little worried about it.

I seen my T yesterday but didnt bring it up.When ever the subject of self harm comes up I choke.

Should I be worried?
Has anyone else had these experiences?

[darkeyes]

You need to be honest, don't choke up, you are going for help and that is good, but I have found through my own experience, not coming out with "all" of what's happening is and can be a huge mistake.
If at all possible, schedule another appointment with your T or a pdoc, talk about the whole picture and seek the necessary help.
Are you on any bipolar meds? Are you taking them as directed?
Mood stabilizers and AD's in adjunct, if required can make a big difference than not taking any meds for this disorder.
When I was first DXed I balked about meds and therapy until a very huge meltdown occured in my life,I was extremely suicidal, almost doing the deed, I called my T right away, saw him and was referred to a terrific pdoc.
Yes, I swallowed my pride, voluntarily (sp?) signed myself in for a 10 day stint, and got on the right track/treatment.
Please contact your T and/or pdoc as soon as you can.
Take care,
DE

[dreamrunner]

Hi Darkeyes
T does know that I feel suicidal when depressed....he also knows I self harm.
Im on 300mgs daily of duralith and must say more stable then ive been in a long time.I still feel however that I could def "go off" regardless.
Its weird,I feel fine....a little anxious sometimes yes.....but why do I still feel the need to stock pile pills and why wont I tell anyone about it?I think deep down I dont want any doc to know ,so I always have that option I guess.
Im confused and I guess I keep hoping these thoughts will go away.

[darkeyes]

Maybe discuss this "stock pile" thing with your T.
I had done something similar back in 2000, after I was stabilized and agreed to follow treatment, I handed them over to my former T.
I understand everyone is different and meds/therapy may affect people differently, but it is within your best interest to expose this to your T.
For me, stockpiling was like this weird "security blanket" with the feeling, "just in case", sort of thing.
It all changed after I realized I wanted to continue to live, regardless of what I should be dealt, I guess I can look back now and see where I was and now how far I have come. I've learned to never give up faith within myself, and if I should start to falter, I get in touch with my pdoc to help stave off any potential episodes.
Hope this offered some insight to what you may be feeling, and I hope you'll feel free to come and hang out at PC when you wish to talk to someone or offer support.
Please take care,
DE

[dreamrunner]

Just by chance I had to phone my pdoc because he didnt send paperwork to T and to make apt concerning meds.(T asked me to phone)
So I expect a month long wait at least to get in .....turns out Im in at 8am tomorrow?!
Im very suprised.Slightly suspiscious.
Anyways,I will bring up the subject of this post to pdoc.I only do this because I hope he'll maybe review things a little.If I land in the hospital Im gonna be PISSED......and will probably freak out.
La dee da..........wheres the breaks on this ride?


Thanks Darkeyes.....again

[dorsey555]

Hi Dreamrunner,
that's what's scarey about being hypomanic, which i am at times. it's easy to hide unhealthy behavior because we're not outside walking on a skyscraper (like Richard Gere did in "Mr.Jones.") I've relaspe with my drinking during hypomania, and had crazy thoughts of self destruction. I really believe that God took care of me when i could'nt. (I don't mean to get churchy) What helps me now is I just "observe" my crazy thoughts, and try not to see them as something that i just HAVE to do. Sorta telling myself that i could if i wanted to, but i choose not to. when i've had pills on hand, i ended up throwing them in the toilet. this friday will be the 14th year anniversary of my son's suicide. he had his mind made up when he did it. it's been rough, but sometimes i think that we either choose to do it or we choose not to. you know what i mean? i could have done it many times, but i keep making the choice to live. noone can make that choice for you. i stay alive for my grandson when i don't want to stay alive for myself. he said to me last week, when i assured him that i wouldn't do anything crazy, "grandma, if you did that too i couldn't go on, it'd be over for me.' he's 16, and the greatest kid you'd want to meet. whenever i'm with him, i'm glad that i keep choosing life. dream..find someone or something worth staying alive for when you don't want to do it for yourself.
love,
dorsey

[darkeyes]

((((((((( dorsey )))))))))))
(((((((( dreamrunner )))))))))))
I have only one child (20yrs old) he was the reason I had chose to live, and my dogs, of course.
Besides our human kids, our furry kids can mean as much as to feel we need to stay.
Everyone has something else going on in their lives so I understand certain things do not have the same importance(s) but I pray, anyone feeling suicidal to PLEASE seek help. The way I felt in 2000, when I was DXed and now, I'm glad I went through treatment and I'm here in the world to talk of it.
Take care now,
DE

[dreamrunner]

I did it....talked to pdoc about the mental pictures thoughts of self harm etc....I told him about the suicidal plan as well.
He told me that as far as self harm goes its anger turned inward,but perscribed ativan for the times I do want to sh.He told me I might not ever get rid of those pictures but it should get better,it will tale time to stabilize meds.
I dont think he was too concerned about the suicide risk....I know I have it in me to sh but suicide really comes forth in the midst of deep depression.

All in all I think I did the right thing and I thank you Darkeyes for seeing the issue for what it was.It really helps to hear it from someone else, you know?

Dorsey,Im sorry you lost your son like that....thanks for your kind and supportive words.

[onyx69000]

dreamrunner and dark eyes i too have have had suicidal thoughts and actions have had some hospital time to help clear up some issues. and sweet dreamrunner def talk to your doc if he can't help he'll point or throw you in the right direction....glad to hear your back from your trip safley. missed you.-onyx

[dreamrunner]

(((((((((((((((Onyx))))))))))))))))))))))
I told my pdoc......he knows and I told my husband last night,I feel so shameful for being so selfish.

[onyx69000]

DON'T FEEL SHAMEFULL YOUR DID NOTHING WRONG. BIG HUGS!

[mydarlin]

This sounds so me...there are so many times I want to do self harm it is unreal....I am so glad that I found this site and you guys..it lets me know that I am not the only person that actually has these thoughts. My T tries to help me understand why I would want to do this to myself .... and personally I would like to know also. I drink with the meds that they have me on, and God knows they have me on a load of medication. Every bottle says to stay away from drinking...especially when taking the meds. But what the hell...I'm not gonna live forever. I have refrained as you did from telling my T about my drinking any more. Then there are times when I am driving down the road that I can picture myself driving into a tree, on purpose, just so it can all end. What a wonderful thought some times...finally getting it all over with. Needless to say I lean more toward the depressive side than the manic side. I was diagnosed with bipolar about 6 months ago and I have been in a tailspin ever since....some of it has been the meds...most of it is me. My kids are what keeps me here...had it not been for them 2 weeks ago I would have committed suicide..my husband convinced me to give him the razor blade..God love him. I hope that it is okay for me to pour out all of this rambling on this post....if not I am sure that I will be told so....I hope that I have found the right place and some people who will hopefully become friends who can understand where I am coming from. Till next time

[onyx69000]

mydarlin know what you mean about kids keeping you here i had horrible post partem depression whith all the kids then found out was bipolar. wanted to end it so many times. but hubby was a shelter in my storm just keep posting you are def not alone.-onyx