[2wtony]

Hello All. I'm thankful a place like this exists, where we can all come and share with each other and support one another. While I'm not new to BPD, I am new to accepting it as a part of me. This particular story, while it starts closer to 18 years ago, will be picked up around 7 years ago, when I met the girl of my dreams.

It was 2009, and I had just met my wife. I moved across the country, from North Carolina to Nevada to be with her, and fast forward a year and we are married and expecting. I wish that it was at this point that I could say that we lived happily ever after, but that would be false. While we both had issues we needed to work on in our relationship, this isn't about her, my wonderful caring wife. This is a story about my coming to terms with my own devils.

The year was 2011, and after a failed attempt at long distance counseling with an old pastor of mine, I believe I went into my first full fledged episode. I can say that now looking back at it, having learned what I know now. I moved out of the house, sought extramarital sex, thought I was happy, and then it ended. It ended with me feeling lower than I thought I could ever feel, looking back and surveying the damage. My wife at this point hinted at the fact that she thought I may be bipolar, a notion I rejected.

Fast forward now to 2014, and while I'm sure I know what triggered it this time (and last time now that I think about it), it didn't stop me from going full swing again. Again, I moved out of the house, only to move back in a month later, to again wake up and see the damage I've caused and the havoc I've wreaked. Again my wife brought up the idea of bipolar, which I took a little more serious this time, going to a therapist and participating in marriage counseling with my wife. I stopped going to therapy after about 4 weeks though, as I was frustrated with the fact that I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously. I never went back, and convinced myself and my wife that I was fine. I was "diagnosed" with bipolar at that point, but they never gave me a complete diagnosis, and every week was the same answer, while they asked the same questions.

Now here we are in 2016, and I feel I've had the most severe episode that I could possibly imagine. I've moved out of the house (again), had an affair with a woman that my wife more than hates, and with good reason, and have separated our finances, among an entire host of other issues that have accompanied the previous two episodes as well. I'm writing this on the downhill side of my swing, where I feel somewhat depressed, guilty for what I've done, but more myself than 2 months ago.

It is at this point that I fully recognize the severity of my issue with bipolar. All of the research that my wife has done, all of the things that I have read, I feel like a textbook example of what can happen without treatment. It is also at this point that I am most desperate for help. I'm scared of what the future holds, and I don't want to get help for people around me, but for myself, to better myself.

I write this now with my marriage in ruins, with little to no hope for salvation. A fact that I'm terrified to face. I love my wife dearly, and I know that I have put her through hell. I don't want to lose her and I feel that she is slipping away, but at the same time I don't blame her. No matter what happens though, this is the beginning of my journey to healing myself and my loved ones. Too long they have been subjected to my issues. I'm going for help and treatment and biting my nails as I wait to see the future of my marriage. For reasons I will not mention here, I'm absolutely afraid to my core of what's to come both with my marriage and life in general, but I know that no matter what happens, I have to get better. That is my focus now. Thank you for reading, and thank you for having me.

I'm sorry it took losing so much, but I'm glad you are now seeking help. Welcome to PC. (((Hugs)))

[Daonnachd]

Heya, Anthony.

It's good to see that you're being proactive now. There's a lot to work on, but there are lots of resources.

Glad you're here. Avail yourself of the wisdom represented by the various individuals who can speak from more experience and knowledge than I. There are a lot of really good people.

[MusicLover82]

Welcome and ((HUGS))!!!

I believe you can get your life back together with proper treatment. It's good that you are realizing you have a problem and are willing to work with professionals to get it under control. Maybe if your wife sees your newfound responsibility for your illness, she will give you another chance. Whatever happens, I hope for the best for you.

By the way, a common mistake people make is saying "BPD" for bipolar but that actually means Borderline Personality Disorder. Is that what you meant or did you mean "BP" for bipolar disorder? I know it is confusing.

We're a supportive bunch here with a very active community, so keep posting! You'll love it here.

[Ripose]

I assume you have at least one child from what you said so I would recommend that you both attend counseling even if you do decide to split up. You will still be a part of each others life for a very long time if you are both to have equal access to your child and it would be a great if you still got along without the bitterness or guilt that has occurred so far.

I wish I had more/better advice you but I can commiserate since I went through something similar about 13 years ago.

[GoldenSnitch]

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on taking the big step of working towards healing ((hugs))

[2wtony]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I plan on taking full advantage of this site and the resources, and have even taken the liberty of ordering one of the books off of the recommended lists to start reading.

I sincerely hope that I can save my marriage. I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone. I truly hope she sees the efforts I'm making, the responsibility I'm willing to take, and the safeguards I'm willing to put in place as an honest effort to get better.

I meant Bipolar, not Borderline Personality Disorder, thank you for clarifying that for me. I'm really happy that you guys are so welcoming and understanding. I don't really like talking to people about the way I'm feeling, with the exception of my wife, so forums make it a lot easier for me to express myself.

Here's to healing!

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

Welcome to PC, This place has been an amazing place for me to find support and know I'm not alone. So glad you're our way towards healing. There are some truly amazing people here to help.

[2wtony]

Thank you everyone for your warm welcome and understanding. It's nice to be in a place that does both so well.

We have 3 children together, 2 biological and 1 that I claim as my own. I'm really hoping that things can be fixed between us. I know that one of the things that she will be looking for is my willingness to get help. In that regard, I have already set up an appointment for Monday to meet with someone in a neighboring town. I also have other safeguards that I've told her that I'm willing to put in place as good measures (medical and financial power of attorney). While I trust myself to put my very best foot forward, I can't say what effects medication will have on me, and I want to be prepared for anything.

Forgive me, I definitely meant Bipolar Disorder, not Borderline Personality Disorder. Thank you for clarifying. You all have been so great so far. I look forward to sharing my experiences here, and taking advantage of some of the resources available. I've even ordered one of the books off of the recommended reading list already, that should be here next week.

I know that no matter what happens with my relationship, this is the best step for me to take to be well. I love my wife dearly, and I know that I've hurt her severely, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make things right with myself first and then with her. Here's to hope!

[Wander]

Welcome to PC! Good to have you here but so sorry for your heartache and loss. Feel free to post as much as you like. You will find support here.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Anthony,

Welcome to PC.
I am sorry for the pain you and your family have endured. Glad you've decided to take a more constructive road, in hopes of saving yourself and potentially your marriage/family.

It's very important to work with someone who will allow your wife to accompany you if you so desire. If you desire reconciliation, your wife will need to know what's happening, step-by-step. Sometimes one practitioner will see the importance of this and will allow this. Other times, this can only occur through couples counseling. A "team" approach is most effective.

Either way, be sure to get yourself started with stabilization.

Hope to see you around!

WC

[2wtony]

I'm hoping reconciliation is possible. I know that she will always be there for me, but I want her there with me. I've already asked the doctors that I plan on seeing if she could be a part of my treatment, to which they agreed that she could. Until I know what she is planning on doing though, I'm going to try and do it alone and not give myself any false hope of reconciliation. If she decides that she wants to give it another try, then at that point she will be involved, if that makes sense. That's all I want in life though, stability and her.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by 2wtony

I'm hoping reconciliation is possible. I know that she will always be there for me, but I want her there with me. I've already asked the doctors that I plan on seeing if she could be a part of my treatment, to which they agreed that she could. Until I know what she is planning on doing though, I'm going to try and do it alone and not give myself any false hope of reconciliation. If she decides that she wants to give it another try, then at that point she will be involved, if that makes sense. That's all I want in life though, stability and her.

Great plan!

[OctobersBlackRose]

Welcome.to the forum Anthony!