[ComfortablyNumb5]

So during an argument with my bfs mother, she told me his kids are scared of me. That hurt me greatly to hear. We always got along so good, me and the kids, so I was very hurt. Then I told my bf what she said and he's like "well no ****, you threw a chair across the room because he slammed a door". Holy crap. I'm getting, or I was, out of hand. His kids were acting up that day and treating my home like a jungle gym. They slammed a door because they couldn't play their electronics and I was in a mixed, very angry state already. I came out of my room, grabbed onto the first thing I found, barstool at my kitchen counter, and knocked it down. I yelled at everyone and told the kids that my home will not be disrespected! I was pissed and seeing red, as I often do in a mixed state. So now I feel like an asshole monster . I've also had freak outs in the passed where my dad had to physically hold me down so I wouldn't hurt myself. Jeezus.

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[LadyShadow]

I actually have alienated many people because of my bipolar. I yelled at friends, cursed out people, cursed every one out on my facebook (most recent episode of this kind) and lashed out at almost everyone who had tried to help me.

I lost a lot so I know what that feels like. I don't suppose there is anything we can do. We can't change how people view us and see us because of how we acted. The only thing we can hope for is forgiveness.

I forgive you (even if no one else you know will say it)

[Victoria'smom]

Yes, when I'm in an episode my son is scared of me. All you can do is make your treatment plan work best it can and apologize when you over-react.

[Unrigged64072835]

I used to do this a lot when I was younger. I haven't done it recently.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I almost think I may benefit from anger management. Count to ten, breathe. I act too quick when I'm mixed. My anger sets me off in a heartbeat. Most often I take it out on myself though IF I'm home alone (self harm). I went from years of no self harm to doing it about once a week lately. Ever since my mixed episode. I have to stop this stuff. It's summer and I have to wear long pants now until my ankle heals. I'm a idiot

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[Victoria'smom]

Are you in regular therapy? Maybe that would help.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Are you in regular therapy? Maybe that would help.

I'm starting in a few weeks. There was a huge waiting list that I've been on for months now. And it took three different pdocs to recommend it. You pretty much need a dr referral to get into therapy at my place. It's a pdoc and t office in one huge building. And I have Medicaid on top of it.

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[Wild Coyote]

I think it's likely you initially stuff some anger and may later explode?
Maybe I'm projecting my own willingness to stuff, even to initially deny, anger.

If we can catch it early on, it might not brew into something bigger?

This is where anger management might be helpful?

No matter our diagnoses, we cope better recognizing and managing our emotions, including anger/frustration -- the earlier the better.

I remember when you were feeling overwhelmed by the noise and generalized commotion in the house. You were immediately very remorseful, once you'd vented within the household. I recall you'd gone as far as staying with your brother one night.

I also think its possible for you and your bf to have a viable plan when you are feeling overwhelmed by noise, etc.

Having room to learn some emotional regulation skills does not make anyone a bad person.

Self-compassion is usually the most difficult. Yet, what would you say to your best friend if he/she told you how s/he were suffering when feeling overwhelmed and had tipped over the stool?


WC

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I think it's likely you initially stuff some anger and may later explode?

Maybe I'm projecting my own willingness to stuff, even to initially deny, anger.


If we can catch it early on, it might not brew into something bigger?


This is where anger management might be helpful?


No matter our diagnoses, we cope better recognizing and managing our emotions, including anger/frustration -- the earlier the better.


I remember when you were feeling overwhelmed by the noise and generalized commotion in the house. You were immediately very remorseful, once you'd vented within the household. I recall you'd gone as far as staying with your brother one night.


I also think its possible for you and your bf to have a viable plan when you are feeling overwhelmed by noise, etc.


Having room to learn some emotional regulation skills does not make anyone a bad person.


Self-compassion is usually the most difficult. Yet, what would you say to your best friend if he/she told you how they were suffering when feeling overwhelmed and had tipped over the stool?




WC

Yea I did stay away one night. My pdoc always tells me how self aware I am. But maybe not enough in this time. I knew enough to keep in my bedroom that day I know that. But once kids start slamming my doors and screaming when I share walls with neighbors, I get pissed. The problem is I get mad to the point where I act out before thinking whereas I probably should of trusted my bf to take care of the situation. I have my good days with the kids and I'll take them places and other days I just cant cope. Just last week I had my bf and his ex (who I'm friendly with now) come up with a plan where him and I had the house alone with him not at work for a day. This is something i need in our relationship. Time alone. And then we had the kids the days after but the day off was needed. Usually I'm here alone for four days while he works third shift and then BAM we have both kids for three days and we get no time to just be with eachother. That bothers me. But hopefully we can work on our schedules with his ex where he gets a day to sleep in and then just adult time with me. Our alone time, we'll go out to eat and then just chill in the living room with a few drinks, music and adult time. That's what we need as a couple and me as MI.

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[Wild Coyote]

Great plan!

That time for the two of you alone is a healthy plan.

Is it possible for there to be some "family time" ground rules re: what types of behaviors are fine for inside the house, as you also have neighbors on your mind? Simple rules, like: no slamming doors, etc.? Children tend to do well with consistent expectations communicated clearly to them.

Maybe you bf needs to step in a little sooner with the children when you are struggling? Maybe share a code word or a specific gesture where you communicate your need for him to intervene asap?

You are a kind-hearted person. You may simply need a break during more difficult times.


WC

PS Slamming door irritate me, too. It can feel very jarring, very agitating to me at times.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Great plan!

That time for the two of you alone is a healthy plan.

Is it possible for there to be some "family time" ground rules re: what types of behaviors are fine for inside the house, as you also have neighbors on your mind? Simple rules, like: no slamming doors, etc.? Children tend to do well with consistent expectations communicated clearly to them.

Maybe you bf needs to step in a little sooner with the children when you are struggling? Maybe share a code word or a specific gesture where you communicate your need for him to intervene asap?

You are a kind-hearted person. You may simply need a break during more difficult times.


WC

PS Slamming door irritate me, too. It can feel very jarring, very agitating to me at times.

Yes we have ground rules here. If all four of us (him,I,both kids) are all at the table then there's no electronics around. We will talk and laugh like family. But it's like once that's over, everyone goes back to their toys and games. Sometimes his one son plays two devices at a time and wants two chargers on top of it. This is usually an argument. I let my bf take care of that as we both have the same thoughts on it. We want the kids to go outside more and be productive. We just bought them nerf guns lol! Even this new Pokemon game, I'll gladly walk with the kids to find stuff. I was brought up that being active outside was healthy. It's when we're all cooped up with electronics that tempers flair. And when I'm mixed, I'll stay in my room. Everyone thinks I'm being antisocial when really I'm protecting them from my anger. Trust me, I'm not having fun hiding in my room like a werewolf. I'm just trying not to flip my lid.

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[Wild Coyote]

I have had a quiet home for years now.
I'm not sure how I would cope with lots of noise and commotion now.

I really feel you deserve a lot of credit!
You truly care about your bf and the children.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve self-compassion.

[MusicLover82]

I think of the Marilyn Monroe quote, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," and then I found this: "If you can't handle me at my worst, then I completely understand because I can't either." HAHAHAHA!!

In all seriousness, I understand. Thank goodness the only people I've really "lost it" with were family and they've forgiven me. I'm sure I've lost friends because of my tendency to complain/whine about my worries. If I'm going through a bad anxiety episode, I'm downright unpleasant to be around, I'm sure. :-/ Thank goodness I have some people who put up with me and I also sometimes have the sense to know who I can unload on and who I can't.

HUGS!!!

[Secretum]

One day in college, I was locked out of my dorm. The electronic key to the front door wasn't working, so I knocked. And nobody came to help me, so I kept knocking, louder and louder, screaming as I did so. The girl who opened the door (who was an acquaintance) looked scared, and she never really treated me the same way after.

I tend to lose my anger at inconveniences rather than at people. My computer being slow is enough, during a hypo/manic or mixed episode, to provoke a rage complete with screaming obscenities, stomping, and hitting the desk, but I don't think there has ever been a person that I've directed such intense anger towards. So I end up making a fool of myself, but I haven't really damaged any meaningful relationships thankfully.

I agree with everyone that you should be kind to yourself. You didn't ask for the irritability that provoked you to throw the chair. It must have been as uncomfortable and scary for you as it was for everyone else.

[raspberrytorte]

We're all such angry people!

I'm sure I have scared my daughter before. When mommy is pacing around the apartment, screaming **** over and over again, and yanking on her hair. Or when she leaves the room and goes into the bedroom and shuts the door, and all you can hear from the outside is me screaming and throwing ****.

I have never yelled at her or hurt her though when I'm like that. She just gets upset and hands me her bear to make me feel better. She's a great kid. Or she wants me to sit down on the couch by her and watch a movie.

I've scared my husband numerous times. Not by raging. But by overdosing.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

We're all such angry people!

I'm sure I have scared my daughter before. When mommy is pacing around the apartment, screaming **** over and over again, and yanking on her hair. Or when she leaves the room and goes into the bedroom and shuts the door, and all you can hear from the outside is me screaming and throwing ****.

I have never yelled at her or hurt her though when I'm like that. She just gets upset and hands me her bear to make me feel better. She's a great kid. Or she wants me to sit down on the couch by her and watch a movie.

I've scared my husband numerous times. Not by raging. But by overdosing.

I'm not an angry person. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression.
My therapist/pdoc think I should express more anger, not less.
I don't feel angry internally very often.

The idea that all people living with bipolar are angry people is not only erroneous in my opinion, but feeds into the stigma we all hope to see go away.

I think -- if people experience agitation due to brain/biochemistry/mood changes, it may not equate with the person being an "angry person" at all.

Many of us here may be too accommodating.


WC

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I'm not an angry person. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression.
My therapist/pdoc think I should express more anger, not less.
I don't feel angry internally very often.

The idea that all people living with bipolar are angry people is not only erroneous in my opinion, but feeds into the stigma we all hope to see go away.

I think -- if people experience agitation due to brain/biochemistry/mood changes, it may not equate with the person being an "angry person" at all.

Many of us here may be too accommodating.


WC

Sorry. It was just some stupid comment I made. Please don't read into it.