[raspberrytorte]

My parents are in the living room listening to gospel music. It's really LOUD!

When I moved out before they would get drunk and be really mean. Like verbally abuse me.

Right now they're drunk.

I'm so scared they're going to come in here. I'm really freaking out. Like want to cry freaking out!

They're very religious. Hence the gospel music. Which is cool. I respect their beliefs. But they don't respect mine! I'm worried they're going to come in here and try to convert me.

While also drunk and sloppy and mean.

I have to pee so bad but don't want to go out there. I'm hiding under my desk.

[raspberrytorte]

Honestly, I have the lights in my room turned off. I'm going to put my computer to sleep in about ten minutes because I'm worried they're going to see the light of the screen. ****. I am crying now. I'm having a situation.

[Wander]

Oh no! That's awful. I'm not surprised you are reacting the way you are based on that history. It must be frightening. I wish I could come over and get you out of there but it would take me at least 30 hours and $3000. lol.

Are there any meds you can take to get you to sleep so you can ride this out? Thinking of you.

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks, wander.

This is really triggering me. I'm having about a million flashbacks right now!

[Bolivar83]

glad you are posting here, raspberrytorte - I'm so sorry you are going through this!
I get very nervous around people who drink; it is unnerving to be around the unpredictability. I hope you have a safe night, and will post again to say how you are doing.

p.s. they can't be that religious if they are getting drunk to gospel - talk about dissonance! "I'd like a buttery wine that pairs well with Ferlin Husky's "Wings of a Dove"...."

[Wander]

Can you use some grounding exercises to try to calm down? I know it can be difficult when you're worked up(and with that noise) but it is worth a try.

[bizi]

do you have ear plugs or stuff cotton in your ears what about playing your music really loud or do you have head phones to listen to something more soothing?
bizi

[raspberrytorte]

Thankfully they went to bed.

I would like to emphasize that I'm not trash talking my parents. I would never do that.

I'm just being a big baby and an asshole. They were probably having a really intense religious experience, and I'm being a crying baby. I've always been the **** up asshole of the family. Everything is always my fault. I hate myself right now.

(and I know. BOO HOO)

[raspberrytorte]

I'm just not sure living with them is such a great idea, like my husband thought it would be. I'm going to beg him tomorrow to let me join them by his parents (right now they live five hours away, and since I ****ed up everything, I'm here and living with my parents, who are totally nice when they're not drunk. But they get drunk A LOT. I hate alcohol. I hate it when people are drunk. HATE IT.)

[raspberrytorte]

Sadly I don't have a sleepy med. I wish I had a big ****ing seroquel bar though. The 300mg ones. That would knock me out for ten hours at least. Maybe I can just sleep my way through the next six months.

Are you still up?

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry that happened. Hopefully other living arrangements can be made. If it happens again lock the door. Your not being a **** up or asshole. Alcohol is triggering to you and you shouldn't have to be around it. Is there anyway to go home and get into a treatment program? Maybe look into a place around a college that rents rooms and has a research hospital with mental health services?

[raspberrytorte]

I'm not sure what I can do.

My husband and daughter moved five hours away.

My husband doesn't want me joining them until I'm stable. Whatever that means. He thinks six months until my commitment thing is over. But it could be longer I suppose. Depending on when I get stable.

Which really seems impossible right now.

I'm depressed. And if I fall back into old pattern, I'll be depressed for a few days and then get hypo/manic/mixed (depending. It was never the same before! I just spent the majority of my time in an up).

And I don't know what to do because meds don't seem to be helping very well. My husband wants me to call my case worker because I don't have my appointment with my new doctor until the eighth.

I'm just not really sure what these people can do for me. I don't have an appointment with my new counselor until the eighth.

So, really, this IS my home now. And, trust me I WANT to go home (as in where I lived before, which is never happening). I miss my family so much it's making me feel sick. And I haven't even been away for a full month yet.

[raspberrytorte]

I just really ****ed up, and now I'm stuck here.

[raspberrytorte]

I've been trying to get a new mood stabilizer that will hopefully work better, and then slowly wean myself off lamictal. But these people don't listen to me! They always just want to put me on an AP! I don't feel comfortable being on an AP.

I explained this to two different doctors, and they just put me on an AP anyway!

And now I CAN'T stop taking it because it was an injection. I want the ****ing pills so I don't have to stay on it. (I know that's bad.)

So I don't know what this new person is going to do. They can do whatever they ****ing want. They could put me on something I don't want to be on, and I'd have to go on it, or get thrown in the psych ward and stay there indefinitely until I go on it.

[Victoria'smom]

Hopefully the new pdoc will listen. List your fears to you psychiatrist. Remember this is only for 6 months. You can make it through this even if they put you on an ap. Why aren't you in therapy too? What is there reasoning for the AP? Call your case worker see what your options are, list all the medications you have been on for your new pdoc and what you didn't like about it. The first little while away from family is hard but it does get easier just try to keep yourself distracted.

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks for the advice, miguel. Writing down my fears for the new pdoc is a good idea.

I don't know. They just always want to put me on an AP! I don't know why. I have some psychosis and paranoia issues sometimes... But I don't think it's that bad. I mean, I'm really not that bad! ****!

I just feel like if we put me on a new mood stabilizer and I wasn't rapid cycling all of the time, I'd feel a lot better and not have the delusional/psychosis issues.

[raspberrytorte]

Oh, and I do have a therapist. I just haven't met her yet.

I can't see my old pdoc and therapist anymore because my parents live in a different county.

[Victoria'smom]

Have you and your therapist work on reality testing. Tell pdoc you plan to work on your paranoia and psychosis with the therapist and do not want an AP. AP's are given for agitation too. Just make sure you know exactly why your on which medication. When do you see your new T?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Could you maybe try to bargain, like you'll try the AP but you want to try a mood stabilizer as well? And then when you've put in the 6 months you might be able to try reducing the AP.

For me mood stabilizers never worked. Depakote sort of did but only at extremely high doses, my levels never were stable so I had to get bloodwork all the time and I was on so much it made me gain a lot of weight. The others I tried didn't work, over-sedated me, or in one case agitated me. APs have actually been easier overall. (When taking into account that I couldn't take a lot of anti-convulsants and also a lot of APs).

[raspberrytorte]

I see my new therapist on the eighth. I would rather do reality testing, yes.

I'm hoping I can negotiate/bargain with this new person. I managed some negotiation with the doctor I had inpatient, while deemed completely incompetent. He wanted to put me on 7mg of haldol. I was like, hell no! The stuff gives me akathisia really bad, even with high cogentin doses. So I convinced him to put me on a smaller dose. And then I tried to negotiate the injection thing because I want to be on the pills instead and don't feel comfortable having a shot of AP. But he said no because he thought I wouldn't stay on the pills.

It's just I've been deemed completely incompetent and lacking of insight now (which makes me mad. Again, not that bad, and I think I can decide what meds I want to be on and what I don't want to be on. For ****'s sake. I'm not a complete moron), so I don't know what this new guy is going to do.

I had to get evaluated by these two pdocs. The first one just said he was recommending the six month thing. And the second one actually called my husband and talked to him about whether or not I've been med compliant. And the first one wrote down in his notes that I embellish side effects because that's what my ***** pdoc who took me off of clonazepam in two months must have put in her notes about me.

****ing fantastic.

[Victoria'smom]

Try not to stress until you talk to new pdoc. Have you looked him up yet for patient reviews? Do you know what pdoc 2 was told? Is the next injection after you meet the dr? What meds do they have you on now? Hopefully this pdoc is nice. It seems like you get a lot of pdoc jerks.

[boogiesmash]

Ras I'm sorry you are struggling. I can relate to crying when others are having a good time and I'm feeling akward crying and being Debbie downer. I hope you find a resolution soon.
Meow.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Try not to stress until you talk to new pdoc. Have you looked him up yet for patient reviews? Do you know what pdoc 2 was told? Is the next injection after you meet the dr? What meds do they have you on now? Hopefully this pdoc is nice. It seems like you get a lot of pdoc jerks.

I looked him up. Two reviews. Both horrible. Average one star.

Next injection is after I meet the doctor. I'm not due for that until the fourteenth. I'm on haldol, gabapentin, lamictal, lorazepam and propranolol.

God I'm on a lot of ****. Before I was just on gabapentin, lamictal and propranolol. I don't know why they have to put you on so much **** in the hospital.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I looked him up. Two reviews. Both horrible. Average one star.

Next injection is after I meet the doctor. I'm not due for that until the fourteenth. I'm on haldol, gabapentin, lamictal, lorazepam and propranolol.

God I'm on a lot of ****. Before I was just on gabapentin, lamictal and propranolol. I don't know why they have to put you on so much **** in the hospital.

I want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug. I just can't believe that they think this is good for you. How is taking away someones rights going to make them feel safe and secure? Ugh!