Lost it today...

I haven't been sleeping much lately - staying up too late, not getting tired until the wee hours. Also, needing that time alone at night to decompress. I've also been setting an alarm in the middle of the night to wake me to get my son to the bathroom - we're working on some pottying stuff.

Anyway, I was set to take the kids out to snack after a lesson this afternoon, but was suggesting something we would all split. My son and I wanted one flavor, my daughter another. I suggested we get the one the two of us wanted this time, and the other flavor the next time. I asked my daughter what she thought of that while parking, then again while getting out of the car. She wasn't responding at all. I asked her why she wasn't answering me, and she said she was thinking. I LOST MY MIND. Told them to get back in their seats and buckle, that I wasn't interested in stopping and paying for a nice snack out if she was going to be ungrateful about it - that deliberating whether she wanted it at all if she couldn't have the exact flavor she wanted just made me not want to do it at all.

We left the parking lot, I was fuming, and my son started to break down from the disappointment. I get he was upset, and I KNOW I should have handled that in a more mature way, but I just didn't have it in me. He started crying, and I was just trying to breathe to get through it. I thought about pulling over, but he started getting hysterical, then he started screaming. I tried counting a few breaths, but it didn't work - I screamed at the top of my lungs with all the air I had left. It stopped his screaming, then I told him to get a grip, that screaming was not a reasonable reaction to missing out on a smoothie. That I understood he was disappointed, but that his reaction was out of proportion. Then, I immediately acknowledged that my reaction was way out of proportion, too.

I pulled over the first chance I got and got out of the car to get some space and breathe, trying to make myself more rational and patient. I was better after that, and was able to talk to them a little more. I said we were headed straight home to get him a snack and for me to calm down.

Now I'm in my bed, under the covers, feeling like the worst parent in the world. And I'm feeling beaten by my own nature. And I'm feeling destructive - like I want something in this world to be as broken as I am, or I want to look as broken as I feel. I f*****g hate this, and me.

Wow. That's intense. I just can't imagine what that must be like. With children and so much anxiety. I can barely keep it together isolated here at home alone. But I also sleep way too much lately. Sometimes I even make myself go to bed too early just to escape, then wake up at all hours.

I know how you feel though. Just reading you saying you're in bed under the covers sounds so nice, but you said you also feel like the worst parent in the world. You're not. Mine are! haha.

Seriously, parents are human, everyone is just doing the best they can do.

Parenting is hard. Yes you over reacted and tried your best to fix it. That's all you can do. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

It happens. Nobody is perfect. You did the best you could by talking it out afterwards. You're not a bad parent. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I know I'm not normally a bad parent, but I definitely was this afternoon. And I hate when something like that happens - where my emotions feel absolutely uncontrollable. I'm much better than I used to be. I used to not realize that I was getting overwhelmed until way too late, but on a routine basis. I've learned to watch that level and take breaks to decrease the stimuli I'm experiencing when I need to. I made a really strong effort to make not yelling at my kids a habit - it wasn't a daily thing before, but probably once or twice a week. Now, when it happens, it feels enormous to me because I'm so used to not doing it. The power of it is unnerving, and it makes me sick to that it used to happen enough that I didn't realize how big it really was.

I really don't want to be a mom that yells at her kids - I've made such strides in that area and really worked to model better ways to handle intensity of emotions. So when today happened, and it felt like out of the blue (though I realize from the changing sleep patterns, some eating patterns, some mood things that it's probably pretty closely tied to a change in BP 'episode') - it just makes me feel like I failed them.

I did thank my daughter for handling the aftermath of everything in a much more mature way than I did. She apologized for her part in not answering me/acknowledging my questions, and for seeming ungrateful about the special snack I was offering. She came home and made her brother a special snack to make him feel better about missing out. She accepted my apologies about my outburst, and offered to bring me some water while I was lying down. She's amazing.

She knows that I struggle with getting overwhelmed, and I think I'm pretty good about talking with her when I lose it - apologizing when it's warranted, reassuring her that controlling my emotions is something that's my responsibility and that I'm working on it constantly, letting her know that my reactions to her behavior sometimes are not in proportion to whatever it is that she might have done.

My son is young enough that I apologized, and as soon as he had snack, he was good. I do try to talk with him about feeling overwhelmed and needing to take breaks, and that I have a hard time controlling big emotions sometimes (just like he does). I don't think he gets it yet, at least not on the level that she does.

You did the right thing apologies and your trying. That's important kids see that it means a lot.

Remember when we were kids, and we could have a 'do-over' in a game?

I want one of those....

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, it would be a good idea. Having children involved makes it a very serious situation that can't be ignored.

Hang in there. It will be OK. This isn't a big deal in the scheme of things. That's good your daughter owned up to her part.

Honestly, this is why I only had one. I knew I had my hands full.

I don't think this is a big deal, really. You sound like a good mom. I am, too. Are we perfect? Nope. Is anyone? Nope. All is OK. xo

I have to hand it to you. Kudos for working on this with your children.
Parenting is a challenging job. I've taken in foster children from homes where parents gave up and gave up their children. The children were devastated, likely permanently so.

Your family togetherness means the world to them, even through challenges.

I agree with "rainyday," I wouldn't be too harsh on myself.
It sounds like the family unit is processing the family meltdown moment well.

You sound like a responsible parent. You'll take more steps if there are more which should be taken. Otherwise, it sounds like this event was handled well, with helpful/healing follow-up.


WC

Parenting is hard.

I'm not currently seeing a T. I can go back to my T when I want, but I just don't know what would be the point. She was the one who first pointed out my BP to me. Then she helped a ton with coping techniques and strategies. I don't know what she would tell me now that I don't already know.

I feel like it's a little unpopular around here, but I'm also not RX medicated. I take a combo of natural supplements that make a difference for me. I didn't take them Monday or Tuesday, around the same time that I started staying up REALLY late. So tonight, I made sure to take those properly, and now I'm thinking I better get to bed. I don't particularly feel like it, but I'm sure that getting back on a better track with both the sleep and the supplements I take will improve things, or at least not continue to worsen them.

If you are such a bad parent, then I'd like to know where this amazing daughter learned to be so kind and caring and understanding. Because you raised her to be that way. You are a GOOD PARENT.

I think my whole family is bipolar. My mom would go through horrible phases of mania. She would binge drink and bring home strange men. One was married. After he came over a few times, his wife showed up one night with a gun. When I went to hide in the closet, my mom got in the closet with me and got behind me and held me up, like a shield I guess, in case the guys wife found us with her gun in her hand.

She used to also spank the hell out of me on a regular basis. Very hard with a ping-pong paddle.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT!!!!

Same here. And I had numerous ... regretable times.

NoIdeaWhatToDo, the important thing is your heartfelt apologies and owning it. I grew up with a volatile mother, and the thing that was the worst, the real lasting relationship poison was her refusal to own any of her bad behavior. Never apologized for anything. Ever. It would have made a HUGE difference (so much so that I made a major point of doing this with my own kid). You care, and did this. Kudos for that.