Having some feels

Ugh. All day I've just wanted to curl up in my blanket and sleep and it's just getting worse as the day goes on. I'm so depressed (but not in an episode).

I think it's a lot of things. I'm nervous about starting my new job tomorrow and nervous about being a good teacher. I haven't taught sixth grade since my student teaching and that was such a disaster that I think I blocked the memories of it from my mind. So I'm basically doing my first year of teaching over again. Luckily for me I'm going to be co teaching two blocks and only teaching my myself for one, so I'll be able to see how they do it and go accordingly. The lessons are already planned, I just have to learn how to execute them. So that's good. And it should be fine. I'm just nervous.

But I think it's a lot of missing my husband too. I've kind of been avoiding it all summer, not really feeling any grief. But my brother's wedding was Saturday and while it was beautiful and I am so happy for them, it really highlighted what I've lost. I kept remembering my wedding and how happy I was that day. I just wish I were married. I'm lonely. I don't think I'll ever find anyone else and that makes me sad. I never wanted this. And then I get pissed too because it's my husband's own damn fault that he's dead. He chose to do drugs. He chose to lie to me. He chose to take that chance.

And of course it's my son's first day of kindergarten tomorrow. His father should be here to see it. To encourage him and tell him to have a great day. But he won't be there. My son just has me and my mom to send him on his way into a whole new chapter of his life. It's so saddening.

I just want to cry. Now as I write this I know this is the reason. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to give up and go back to bed. But obviously I can't do that. I cleaned my room and finally donated all the clothes that don't fit anymore. They've been in a pile in my closet for six months. I did the laundry (but didn't put it away). And I washed the dishes. That's good enough I think.

I just miss my husband so much.

But I'll be ok. I'm sure I'll feel fine tomorrow. I don't feel a crushing weight on my chest so I know it's not an episode. Just a day. Which I can handle.

On the bright side my son cleaned the kitchen table, washed the rest of the dishes, and cleaned the counter as a "surprise" for me. He is so sweet!

Very sorry to hear about your husband. I can understand why you're both sad and angry.

I don't think all hope is lost when it comes to finding a new man. You have a bright, beautiful, caring personality. I'm sure you're also a lot of fun to be around. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you *will* find someone. Sometimes it just takes a while to find "the one".

My uncle divorced his wife when he was 35 and he never thought he'd find love again, but ironically, he found love doing the things he loved. Maybe that's what's in store for you? I'm sure love will come naturally again... That moment will come at the right time.

I wish you luck with your new job tomorrow. I'm sure you'll do *great*! Hopefully the jitters go away soon.

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. It's hard to deal with grief when life just keeps going on. I hope you do well and your son does well too.

I'm so sorry about your husband, there just aren't words... But I greatly admire you for moving forward. And feeling so bad today, you have nonetheless resisted the urge to stay in bed all day and you've gotten some things done. Kudos to you. And best of luck tomorrow. I used to be a teacher and I know the nerves, but starting over again is tough (and admirable). I'm glad you're only teaching one class on your own and you can learn from the other teachers there.

Best of luck and many kudos for your courage and determination!

Hugs, wildflower.

Things will go well tomorrow.

Hugs, best wishes on your first day tomorrow!!

You will have a great day tomorrow, and you have a son that loves you!

(((((( WILDFLOWER )))))


WC

First of all, you have an amazing son! He obviously adores you. A five year old cleaned up, willingly and with out being told? Wonderful! But to the point, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. You're up for some "firsts" tomorrow; your son's first day of kindergarten and your first day teaching at your new job. I would be a ball of nerves just from that. But you're on a new journey with your career and your child in school. It only makes sense to miss your husband and want him with you to experience these "firsts" with you. But instead of worrying, commit to making him proud and do your best, which I already know you will. And as awesome as your son sounds, I know he will have a great first day; and he will not only enjoy, but he will be successful in kindergarten. This new job is your second chance to be a kick *** teacher in a new school. A new beginning. Your husband is with you in spirit and will help you be amazing in this new role. Please take of yourself, you will get through it.

How did it go?

Hope your and your son's first day at school was a successful one. ((((Wildflower))))

My son did very well on his first day and so did I. I'm amazed at my job that the kids actually listen to me and don't explode in a rage when I correct their behavior. It's a nice change. My second block class is challenging because they like to talk but it's not I'mossible to deal with. I don't feel like ripping my hair out at the end of the day. It's pretty awesome.

Unfortunately today my son had a tough morning. He started crying when I left and my mom said he cried the whole time until he got on the bus. He cried so hard he threw up his breakfast. I don't think he realized that kindergarten is an every day thing and that mommy can't stay home with him every day. But my mom said he got on the bus, so he didn't flat out refuse to go. When I picked him up he was happy as a clam and said he had a good day. He's been doing this for a couple of months now, even with preschool. He would cry a little in the morning but his teacher said as soon as I left he was fine. I think it's anxiety. He gets worried about me when I leave, which I understand because I was the same way after my father died. I was sure my mother was going to die too. It was pretty awful. I'm going to give him some time to adjust to the new routine and if it's still going on I'm going to look for a play therapist for him.

I hope your son starts to feel better about school.

It definitely is an adjustment. Sounds like you are handling it well. Take care and keep us posted.

Glad to hear things are going well at school for you and hope your son will adjust.

I feel like crying today. I've felt like it all day. It may have been tipped off by my son this morning. He started crying at 7am when I told him it was time to get ready for school and didn't stop. He was sobbing when I left. I just feel so helpless. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be paralyzed by fear like I was after my father died.

I had a decent day, just this feeling of sadness and emptiness that is getting worse as the night goes on. I bought wine to drink but it's probably not a good idea to do so. And besides I don't even feel like it. I just feel like going to bed. Thankfully I finished my discussion question. I still have to read two chapters and take two quizzes. I have until Monday night but I want to do it by Sunday night because I know I'll be exhausted on Monday from work.

Work is going well but I have to come up with a plan for my second block class. They are insane. I can't use points like I used to at my old school but I'm thinking of coming up with my own behavior modification system, like everyone starts out with five stars on a Velcro chart and every time I have to reprimand them they lose a star. If they lose all five stars that's an infraction. Something like that. Or maybe I'll go positive and have them earn stars and earn some sort of prize for earning stars. I don't know.

I just want to cry. Hopefully I'll be ok tomorrow.

There's a really ****ed up picture going around Facebook that shows a mother and father overdosed on heroin with their son in the backseat of the car. DONT SHARE THAT ****ING PICTURE. that's so ****ed up that anyone would TAKE such a picture much less share it on social media, AND the ****ing media is picking it up and showing it on the news. What the ****. It's awful. I know what a person looks like when they're dead from an overdose. My husband was dead when I found him. My son was in the next room. I am so thankful he didn't wake up until the police and medical examiner were already gone.

IT'S A ****ED UP ****ING PICTURE DON'T SHARE IT.

sorry I just got really triggered by that picture. It's disgusting and horrifying and I can't believe the news would show it.

I'm so sorry you're feeling low and for that stupid picture. I so admire you for even attempting to work full-time. And teaching is a challenging profession. My dad was a high school history teacher. Talk about the worst subject to teach to horny teenagers! It's a very demanding job and i'm impressed that you're equal to it. It sounds like you're dealing with your rowdy class in creative ways. I'm sending you good wishes and vibes. You're dealing with a lot of stressors -- give yourself credit and hang in there!

Wow, that's terrible.

sending you a hug tonight.
(((((((HUG))))))))
bizi

(((((wildflowerchild25)))))

I've gotten a couple of triggering pictures on FB lately. I hide the pictures so I don't have to keep looking at them. I hope you do recover from that.