I feel like dust. My brain hurts. Living hurts. I am constantly freaking on a number of dangerous issues, some of which could plausibly end up okay and some that will not. My crushing irrational anxiety is hurting hard. My mind is flooded with negative images. Everything that I see and hear summons a painful memory. I'm barely capable of doing business, let alone pretentiously *****ing in the Bipolar Check-In thread. Today's tactic is to mount an early pre-emptive defense and double down on the benzodiazepines. I didn't take any benzos during more than 120 hours of isolation drills, and I feel like I've earned them. It takes quite a few benzos these days to make Lefty a dull boy, which is tolerance, an indication of addiction, another dangerous issue to worry about.

I'm going to see a prospective backup pdoc tomorrow to establish Continuity of Operations should my current pdoc abruptly decide to put his guns in the ground. I've been practicing expressing all that has gone wrong, and all that I would like him to do about it, as clearly, concisely and honestly as I can, without prompting him immediately commit me to an inpatient facility, which I might need but cannot afford. Someone has to answer the phone. Someone has to write estimates and contracts and disclaimers and do the 2016 taxes, none of which is worth worrying about, but I'll worry about it anyway.

It seems highly unlikely that the second prospective pdoc will have any plausible alternatives to my present predicament, but I'm due for a surprise. The first prospective backup pdoc's suggestion was certainly a surprise, one which I can't discuss because he might be following the Bipolar Check-In thread. Love ya, doc.

Changing treatments can be costly: if I was to replace the Depakote, indicated to suppress my cycling, which it doesn't, with an alternative, my brain might find that transition temporarily but prohibitively exciting, prompting an inexorable rise into hypomania, and the circus comes back to town.

The image of the day is Fu Xi's Hexagram Table, which some will hopefully find a refreshing respite from my usual admittedly psychotic imagery of Russian military aircraft, female DPRK military officers, puppets, United States' Sixth Army psychological warfare leaflets, Taepodongs, SS-18s, teary obituaries to Iris Chang, very angry T'ang dynasty sculpture and axillary hair.

[Moose72]

jtassar

Do your hallucinations happen when you're watching tv? Are they distracting? I used to get them while watching tv- like some scratchy voice was talking into my ear. It happened all the time. I love being comfy in bed. I took a nap earlier and am now downstairs watching Forrest Gump.

[Moose72]

Lefty, I like your hexagram table image you've attached. So does my 15-year-old son. He especially likes that its binary.

Originally Posted by Moose72

Lefty, I like your hexagram table image you've attached. So does my 15-year-old son. He especially likes that its binary.

Try The Kin Wen Arrangement of Strategies:

[jtassar93]

Originally Posted by Moose72

jtassar

Do your hallucinations happen when you're watching tv? Are they distracting? I used to get them while watching tv- like some scratchy voice was talking into my ear. It happened all the time. I love being comfy in bed. I took a nap earlier and am now downstairs watching Forrest Gump.

Sometimes yeah. It's kind of random. Usually when I'm on the kindle like I am now. I'll see something over the top of the screen. I usually hear voices when they're most inconvenient. It's complicated lol

[Moose72]

Hey Lefty,

Wanna buy an E?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by jtassar93

Sometimes yeah. It's kind of random. Usually when I'm on the kindle like I am now. I'll see something over the top of the screen. I usually hear voices when they're most inconvenient. It's complicated lol

I see things next to me. I'll see a lot of animals. Sometimes just out of sight and sometimes plain as day. Once, I saw a little girl on a porch but she just up and disappeared! When are voices convenient? I had them at work before- talking to me on the shop room floor when I was supposed to be bending pipes. I knew they were hallucinations because it was just too darned loud to be real people- that and there weren't any other people near me.

[Faltering]

Tomorrow is my first counseling/intake appointment. I'm getting nervous. My sister told me not to go in case they try to hospitalize me again. I could downplay my symptoms but maybe it wouldn't do me any good.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Faltering

Tomorrow is my first counseling/intake appointment. I'm getting nervous. My sister told me not to go in case they try to hospitalize me again. I could downplay my symptoms but maybe it wouldn't do me any good.

I would just be truthful. I'm betting that they would know if you were downplaying your symptoms.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Faltering

Tomorrow is my first counseling/intake appointment. I'm getting nervous. My sister told me not to go in case they try to hospitalize me again. I could downplay my symptoms but maybe it wouldn't do me any good.

All depends upon your personal goals for the appointment.
Can you tell the truth and not be hospitalized?
Do you need hospitalization?
What do you need?
I hope your needs will be met.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Quite a respiratory virus going around in this area.
Lots of people ill.
Potent virus. Doesn't appear to be the flu.

I can get very depressed quickly when laid up with this severity of acute illness. Sometimes, dissociation comes in handy.

I am turning a corner for the better while watching loved ones at the beginning of their own viral experience. Hurts to see them feeling so poorly.

Hope all are as well as can be.


WC

[Faltering]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

All depends upon your personal goals for the appointment.
Can you tell the truth and not be hospitalized?
Do you need hospitalization?
What do you need?
I hope your needs will be met.


WC

I probably need the hospital, but I'm not exactly going to advocate for it. I'm doing worse than when I was sent to IP last month. Hearing demonic voices, extreme rage, depression, periods of staring blankly at work.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Faltering

I probably need the hospital, but I'm not exactly going to advocate for it. I'm doing worse than when I was sent to IP last month. Hearing demonic voices, extreme rage, depression, periods of staring blankly at work.

(((((( Faltering ))))))

Sounds very challenging.
Sorry you are feeling worse.

I hope you can be safely stabilized outpatient if that's your preference.
I hope your appointment goes well and your needs are truly met.


WC

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Quite a respiratory virus going around in this area.
Lots of people ill.
Potent virus. Doesn't appear to be the flu.

I can get very depressed quickly when laid up with this severity of acute illness. Sometimes, dissociation comes in handy.

I am turning a corner for the better while watching loved ones at the beginning of their own viral experience. Hurts to see them feeling so poorly.

Hope all are as well as can be.


WC

I hope you all feel better soon. I hate getting a stuffy nose. The runny nose I can deal with, the cough and even sore throat aren't so bad. Its that stuffed up nose that i can't stand.

I'd dissociate through that too. That and watch my favorite tv shows in bed. ("Are You Being Served?" is on Youtube now!)

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I hope you all feel better soon. I hate getting a stuffy nose. The runny nose I can deal with, the cough and even sore throat aren't so bad. Its that stuffed up nose that i can't stand.

I'd dissociate through that too. That and watch my favorite tv shows in bed. ("Are You Being Served?" is on Youtube now!)

Everyone in the household is struggling to breathe. Lots of gurgling noises around the house.

Yes- dissociation and tv shows (and/or Roku)!
I can zone out too much though. Don't need tv for that. I have to reel myself back in to focus on tv, lol.

I enjoy "Are You Being Served?" Gonna look it up on youtube! Thanks!


WC

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope you and your family feel better, WC. My daughter has the crud as well. She ended up not going to school and work because she's been sick.

Quiet day. Didn't get much done other than writing a poem.

[bizi]

Well it may be the placebo effect but I tried an amino acid glutamine.
It is supposed to decrease your cravings for alcohol.
For quick release open up a capsule and put the powder under you tongue and let it dissolve, more rapidly than just thru your stomach.
I think it worked! I was able to pass by whole foods and not stop for a beer.
So I went home amazed!
Hubby cooked some pork chops and mixed veggies. Had a couple pieces of cheese and a handful of almonds prior to dinner.
Hopefully the hot flashes will let me sleep tonight, they did not last night.
crossing fingers
bizi

[Nammu]

That's great bizi!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bizi

Well it may be the placebo effect but I tried an amino acid glutamine.
It is supposed to decrease your cravings for alcohol.
For quick release open up a capsule and put the powder under you tongue and let it dissolve, more rapidly than just thru your stomach.
I think it worked! I was able to pass by whole foods and not stop for a beer.
So I went home amazed!
Hubby cooked some pork chops and mixed veggies. Had a couple pieces of cheese and a handful of almonds prior to dinner.
Hopefully the hot flashes will let me sleep tonight, they did not last night.
crossing fingers
bizi

I am going through the flashes, too. What a year for them! I carry a towel and an extra shirt with me when I am out for extended periods.

It would be really cool if the glutamine proved helpful, too!


WC

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am going through the flashes, too. What a year for them! I carry a towel and an extra shirt with me when I am out for extended periods.

It would be really cool if the glutamine proved helpful, too!


WC

I am sorry you are going thru this too.
Nobody ever talks/warns you about menopause!!!!!
bizi

[Wander]

Bad night last night with PTSD triggers. Had the best nurses to help talk me down though so I am so thankful for that. These wonderful people don't get paid enough for the life-saving work they do. They managed to make me laugh while I had SI...impressive. Another nurse helped me shop for a vaporiser (nicotine) online. Just random stuff that kept me alive another day. If I were allowed to give gifts I would buy them all the biggest bunch of flowers, or a new vaporiser! So, after all that i was still worked up but not SI. Meds knocked me out and here I am to start a new day.

Nervous as my T is meeting with my parents at midday today (in 2 hours) to discuss my diagnosis's, what they can do to help me and what they do that is unhelpful, amongst other things. I have a great relationship with my parents so mostly I feel ok about this. It is for my benefit, mainly because my father lives in denial of issues he cannot solve which only makes things worse for my mother and me. I won't be there as I need them to be able to talk about issues (PTSD) that may trigger me. I am mostly worried about them being made more upset about how unwell I am.

At 2 pm I have my solo appointment then my parents and I can discuss this all. Ohh, I'm nervous. Overall though, I think it will help.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry you are going thru this too.
Nobody ever talks/warns you about menopause!!!!!
bizi

I recall grandmothers/mothers complaining.
Some had a more intense menopausal experience than others.
Mine occur anytime, 24/7. They get worse (for me) if I take in any substance which might affect vasodilation. Coffee (caffeine), hot spices, alcohol. Exercise makes it worse, too. Yet, I keep the exercise going as much as possible.

The drug "clonidine" can help a lot.
For me, it has a lot of severe side-effects. Some people love it.


WC

[jtassar93]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I see things next to me. I'll see a lot of animals. Sometimes just out of sight and sometimes plain as day. Once, I saw a little girl on a porch but she just up and disappeared! When are voices convenient? I had them at work before- talking to me on the shop room floor when I was supposed to be bending pipes. I knew they were hallucinations because it was just too darned loud to be real people- that and there weren't any other people near me.

I see animals sometimes. But I mostly see people, scary things, and shadow people. I guess the voices are convenient when I'm at home and I'm free to yell and whatnot. It's better than having them in public lol. I sometimes can't tell what voices are real or not, that's a hard one for me.

[Wild Coyote]

((((((( Wander )))))))

Thinking of you and your parents.


WC

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by jtassar93

I see animals sometimes. But I mostly see people, scary things, and shadow people. I guess the voices are convenient when I'm at home and I'm free to yell and whatnot. It's better than having them in public lol. I sometimes can't tell what voices are real or not, that's a hard one for me.

I've heard full on music in places with broken stereo systems! If the voices are real: rule out the people with you in the house. Sometimes they are real. Otherwise it's probably your brain doing that.