[bizi]

raven, I am sorry you lost your best friend last year.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Faltering

Back to square one. No meds, no psychiatrist in the midst of a mixed episode.

What happened to your appointment?

[Wander]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

Thank you. (((Hugs))) Sorry it took me a little while to reply. My boss added extra responsibilities to my job. My days and hours are so long. My depression is wearing me down, so every task feels like it takes so much effort. I feel my mental health issues also contributed to the recent end of my relationship, which sometimes makes me feel like a failure and that I can no longer sustain relationships. I'm missing the way things used to be when I was happy in a relationship years back, and I miss my best friend who died last year. It's as if I want to be all alone, but too much time alone isn't good for me.

As far as friends go, my friend got mad at me for not being able to be there for her. Her reaction was extreme. I just feel like I can't keep up with people or things the way I used to. I'm angry at myself for not being able to keep up, but I also get angry when others ask too much from me. I'm more likely to take that anger inward though, although I do eventually explode when it builds over a period of time. I am glad I have my therapy appointment Monday, but my pdoc appointment isn't for another 3 weeks, so I am hoping when I call the office that she can squeeze me in sometime sooner.

That's a lot of stress and I am so sorry you lost your friend. You seem torn in too many directions. Time alone is crucial but as you said, too much time can be bad. It is unfair of your friends to expect more than you can give, but understandable they will react. Can you mend these friendships and perhaps catch up when you are able?

Glad you are seeing your T, really hope you can get a closer pdoc appointment. Keep us posted. We care.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Wander

That's a lot of stress and I am so sorry you lost your friend. You seem torn in too many directions. Time alone is crucial but as you said, too much time can be bad. It is unfair of your friends to expect more than you can give, but understandable they will react. Can you mend these friendships and perhaps catch up when you are able?

Glad you are seeing your T, really hope you can get a closer pdoc appointment. Keep us posted. We care.

Thank you, Wander. Since friendships have their ups and downs, I'm going to hold on to hope that it'll be okay. I'm willing to work things out, but I plan to take it slow. I'll just try to take it one day at a time.

Results! I figured out a jury-rigged solution to something mundane yesterday, my wife shot a 1-take iPhone video tutorial and we posted it on YouTube. The whole thing took five minutes. What a couple of nerds. I like my second prospective Continuance of Government Medicare pdoc. He listened to my problems and gave me solutions: I can take more Neurontin and more Depakote and resume Mother Lithium, contingent on a blood test which I had drawn at a diagnostic lab on the way home from his office. There are diagnostic labs everywhere on this island... you can't go out to eat or get groceries without accidentally entering a diagnostic lab. I have to keep my insurance cards and ID on me at all times. Inland there's an enormous building visible from the freeway in which they conduct their diagnostics. The bad news: he said I gotta stop hotboxing, ASAP. That's bad news, but I conceded, responding, "It clouds the picture." He nodded and said, "It clouds the treatment." This boss knows he's no T. More bad news: according to the FDA's black box warning, Depakote has been known to kill people. Maybe that only happens when the patient is desperate enough to max out the dose. Suddenly Mother Lithium, more Neurontin and even more Depakote seem like a lotta pills. I should work for research laboratories and pharmaceutical companies as a psychotropic test pilot. I could get good money for hazardous duty pay, just hangin' out, *****ing on the Bipolar Check-In Thread and ingesting toxins. I'm really looking forward to a resumption of my severe lithium hand tremor; over time, I have invented a number of lies intended to thoroughly embarrass anyone rude enough to ask me about it. That was always standard operating procedure, but it seems at the moment unnecessarily aggressive, but then, I've been hotboxing. I don't want to leave the house again for a month. I shall become a Hikikomori. If any of my pdocs are following this thread: love ya, docs.

Today's image is Buddha in Emaciation.

actually not feeling too bad despite the fact it's december now
I've opened the first door on my advent calendar (my lint one), arn't lint chocolates the best?

plan to take a shower later on and maybe watch muppet's christmas carol (I'm just in the mood to watch it)

still need to figure out something for dinner, and if i'm going to do my trivia challenge (I probably am, seeing as i skipped it a few days)

[Wander]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

actually not feeling too bad despite the fact it's december now
I've opened the first door on my advent calendar (my lint one), arn't lint chocolates the best?

plan to take a shower later on and maybe watch muppet's christmas carol (I'm just in the mood to watch it)

still need to figure out something for dinner, and if i'm going to do my trivia challenge (I probably am, seeing as i skipped it a few days)

Lindt are awesome! Hope you have a good day.

[Wander]

Worked on my PTSD puzzle. Has me worked up. Trying to calm down and distract. Saw my pdoc. He was very understanding of my PTSD. Amping up the Ability to 10mg x 2 a day to deal with my thoughts. Hope it helps. Feel lost and deeply broken.

[bizi]

Wander, I am sorry you are feeling broken. (((((HUGS)))))
bizi how are you sleeping?
bizi
lefty what is hot boxing?

Doing pretty well today

Bought some coloring books and coloring supplies yesterday on Amazon. Got the official "The Walking Dead" coloring book and a Star Wars one.. Since I have Prime, everything will come on Saturday.

I've never actually colored an adult coloring book, so we'll see how it goes. Hopefully it goes well. If not, I'll look into kids coloring books since they're more simple. I can always try to find a coloring book for my favorite childhood TV shows or childhood movies.

[Icare dixit]

Step 3 of recovery: (more) meaningful interaction (and appreciating it and not creating expectations) and no regression (not replacing one thing with another; sabotage, excess; taking a step back if necessary).

Step 1 was eating and no (other) self-sabotaging/-damaging/-harming behaviour, step 2 not feeling pressured, fearful or unable; feeling responsible yet free; appreciating stability.

[Faltering]

Originally Posted by Nammu

What happened to your appointment?

I did the intake appointment last night with a counselor where they just asked what's going on. Then I was able to schedule with a psychiatrist at the same place. They can't get me in to see a psychiatrist until January 9th. I do have an appointment on December 19th with the first psychiatrist I contacted. Still, It's so far away and I'm out of meds. *sigh* I keep getting the run around and I don't know who to contact anymore.

A tight snap of my beloved wife through the wire early this morning... in our complex rules of engagement, slinging her Kalashnikov on her right shoulder with bayonet fixed is considered an escalation in threat signaling akin to brandishing, but she's still talking to me, so everything's cool.

She's swallowed the red pill and fallen down the rabbit hole of our society's poisoned food, imposing a strict organic diet devoid of GMOs, glyphosate residue, most meats, and just about everything else I consider delicious. Wheat is out. Dairy is out. If I eat a cheeseburger from now on it will be furtively and under cover of night, or I get the bayonet. I might still get to eat raw fish. Arranging the secret consumption of a pepperoni pizza will involve the danger and complexity of The Italian Job.

There should be no reason to leave the house today; all business shall be conducted exclusively by phone and internet from the couch, which is a pretentious way of declaring a state of CouchLock. Shame me. I care.

[CloserToTheMid]

Ok, this is my tough time of the day. I should never send an email or a text during this time, but I did send one to my choir (I'm a director) and I smiley-faced the heck out of it because my emails always read as if I'm super serious and pissed off. I have a feeling that it won't make a difference, because I am super serious and pissed off.

[OctobersBlackRose]

Construction going on at the end of my street for a building that is being built, it is loud and annoying a hell. That is all!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Faltering

I did the intake appointment last night with a counselor where they just asked what's going on. Then I was able to schedule with a psychiatrist at the same place. They can't get me in to see a psychiatrist until January 9th. I do have an appointment on December 19th with the first psychiatrist I contacted. Still, It's so far away and I'm out of meds. *sigh* I keep getting the run around and I don't know who to contact anymore.

Do you just have to go that long without meds? That seems unreasonable

[Faltering]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Do you just have to go that long without meds? That seems unreasonable

Yes. No one can see me and IP isn't an option. My name was put on a cancellation list, but it's unlikely I'll be able to get an appointment before the 19th.

[jtassar93]

Showered today...then back to bed

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by jtassar93

Showered today...then back to bed

You got up and had a shower. That's a success. So, something to feel good about

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Faltering

Yes. No one can see me and IP isn't an option. My name was put on a cancellation list, but it's unlikely I'll be able to get an appointment before the 19th.

I think you can go to the er to get more meds.
bizi

[Moose72]

I went to church choir rehearsal with my youngest son (we're both in it) then came home and did some laundry and had a shower (last one was Monday. Ewww). But Monday was hot sex with my FWB. That sooo charged my batteries!!

[Wander]

Had a talk with a nurse and cried. I rarely cry in front of people so it was very cathartic. Feel better for it. Hoping this is a move in the right direction and i will be able to go home soon. Been IP for 28 days. Really want to go home asap.

I was feeling fine this morning, but now I just feel agitated.

Actually though... I've been non-stop agitated since about 11am today. I don't know why I feel this way, but I don't like it because I can't sleep. Everything just agitates me and I keep getting anxious thoughts.

I don't think anxiety is causing the agitation... Maybe it's worsening the agitation, but not causing it. I had nothing to worry about when the agitation set in, and I only started getting anxious thoughts around 7pm tonight. What a vicious cycle

[jtassar93]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

You got up and had a shower. That's a success. So, something to feel good about

I did feel good about it afterwards, not during. lol

Holy stranger in the manger. Found out today from a friend in the industry that a close mutual friend and strategic business partner has been playing us and our spouses in a decade-long campaign of financial and psychosexual manipulation by deception and disinformation. This revelation has made today Day Zero, one of the weirdest days in memory. I need formal counterintelligence training to function in this new and terrible secret war. Neither Mossad nor Shin Bet would take me because I'm crazy, but I am grateful that I am hands-down the craziest participant in this hot mess: my wife is not to be underestimated, but my extensive experience in emotional trauma should serve me well on defense, and I maintain a monopoly on psychotic aggression, which has its uses. I wish I could describe the situation, but it would require at least 2000 words (I never use emoji) and probably get me booted from the forum and/or arrested. My enemy is my friend; I must keep my friends close, but my enemies closer. Figuring it all out should feel like a victory, but I still feel as if I may barf. Before everything slipped sideways today I managed to put in some good work on a horror story, and if certain friends continue to act like the weirdest psychopaths to walk the earth, it can only help my writing. Day Zero was another station on the path to becoming a full-fledged lunatic. Bipolar disorder gets worse.