i am done.

i am done apparently i am a huge nuisance to everyone here i am sorry i dont understand and i am sorry i ask questions i am sorry i ever thought that people would be patient i am trying to understand but i dont so sorry i am so stupid but i give up i am done.

I sense people's frustration with you and I'm sure you can too. Everybody means well Eden. They only wish to help but are not sure how.

Dear Eden,
I hope you will be my friend. (Going to send a friend request)
Sometimes your posts express some of the emotions I feel like being anxious about taking medicine, enjoying the breeze during a walk at night, etc. So I really enjoy your posts. They are not a nuisance at all. Only people who care about you read them.
Everyone does get a little concerned about you feeling like you can talk to spirits, both good and bad. Some are also concerned about your mania. We don't want you to lose your grip with reality so whenever you feel like you are talking to a real spirit, please tell someone like a doctor or therapist.
Everyone at the Bipolar Forum just wants you to get better. We care. You are not a nuisance because it is completely optional whether or not someone reads and replies to your posts.
Sincerely, Myst

PS I said I was anxious about taking medicine, but I have mostly been taking the medicine my doctors have given me since 2011. You need to take the medicine that your doctors give you. It will help you. Everyone is frustrated that you do not take your medicine.

i honestly dont feel like i need medicine and i honestly think it will hurt me i am not trying to be annoying i genuinely believe it is a bad thing to do

Can you tell me what Depersonalization disorder is. I have not heard of it before. I have no problem reading or understanding how you feel (as much as it's possible for others to feel they know how you feel). Never give up. You just need to find people to talk to that don't make you feel worse. Feel free to talk to me whenever!

it just means i dissociate a lot..... i think. idk my psych just said i have it. and thanks i am trying today has been very all over the place.

I don't think you're stupid. you're just psychotic, and you need meds. badly. most of us here are taking this "poison" you speak of and most of us have benefitted from it. just take the fcking pills.

Um well I am trying to take them but I might be a little bit stuck.......

How are you stuck?

I think part of the frustration is that you've continually shown all of the "classic" symptoms of mania and psychosis, things you can look up on PC and all over the internet (and people here have done a lot of explaining) and yet you still insist that you are not manic. I could cut and paste the symptoms here, but it might be better for you to look them up, if you haven't already. Have you?

I still stand by my support of you doing DBT and working with your psychologist because it's better than nothing. I hope learning coping and other strategies will help; you'll be with people with some of the same issues you have. There must be some reason why your treatment team wants you to do this, maybe they see things we don't. Of course they want you to take the Abilify (or antidepressants, I think you've more recently mentioned), but you may as well start with therapy and the DBT.

We are concerned about you, that is all. I think I tend to be a bit abrasive, but do not take that personally.

EDEN I read your stuff but don't respond often. You're not a nucince. I've felt that way on this board too. Please don't make that scare you away. You'd be missed and worried about. We all want everyone to be well on here and most of us use medication to be healthy. If meds aren't helping or you're not going to take them that's your choice but know you've already been marked as mentally ill and could have to go back to the hospital without meds.

Eden, I understand how hard it can be to believe you need these meds or even have this diagnosis. You are young and I imagine that makes it even harder; I fought tooth and nail against a depression diagnosis at your age.

I think that your recent posts are a good sign. Something is making you start to question things.

Would you consider setting goals and really sticking to them? Like really committing to taking meds every day for 6 months to see how you feel at the end of that? If you did this you'd really benefit from making sure your treatment providers document how you are before starting the meds so that you can hear what they saw later on.

I don't know; I just know that trying things for smaller time increments helped me at first. Granted the first thing I tried was therapy and I will be honest, I spent about 6 months fighting the therapist as hard as I could. I would refuse to talk and would just sit in his office and resist him. But then it clicked and while I never did learn to talk to him I learned to write to him and he helped me immensely. He is a big part of why I am whom I am now. Starting to open up to him when I thought I was fine was so hard but I decided maybe he was right and that I should talk about things from my past and once I started and really worked with him it was obvious he was right. But I had to really make myself commit to it.

Would you think about trying that? Or something similar? Only you can know exactly what you can best try but there is always something. Even if there is no mental illness people can always better themselves.

I hate taking my medications but I can honestly tell the difference when I am not on them. Finding the right combination can take a bit and for me it's not yay we got the right ones it's more like I wonder how long this combination is going to last me. If I did not have children I honestly would not be on medications but it is rough on my wife to explain why daddy is acting weird.

I have not looked up symptoms yet but I will try and do that today. I do write to my psychologist he is the only one I tell everything too. It is just hard to have everyone telling you something and your head telling you the opposite I don't know which to believe like in my head all this makes sense and seems normal/right but then everyone says it is not and I am trying really hard but I can't my head just keeps saying they are wrong or they are lying to you to try and trick you into taking the meds which will then hurt you. I just don't know what to do.

Eden, I too struggle with my dx. I spent several weeks this summer communicating with angels and demons, while at the time it was seemingly normal too me. I realize now that it was psychosis in conjunction with mania. I do maintain beliefs in my mind control ability even when not manic, but I understand that most people think that just means I am still sick. this is a struggle for me, I believe and do have these abilities. I have a strong belief in the paranormal.
I think that your problems stem from you having some of these beliefs, and i think that you have a hard time articulating these beliefs. this may be what is causing your frustration. Keep posting, you are getting support, you just have to listen to what resonates with you and filter out what does not.

I can relate to every word you've written. Take a look at the symptoms and let us know what you think afterwards. Try to be as objective as possible when reading the symptoms. I hope this will help you.

try PsychEducation | Treating the Mood Spectrum It's very well done, written by a pdoc, and has tons of information. It doesn't have a lot about psychosis but you may need to start with square 1, what is bipolar and go from there and that is the place to begin.

I took 2 of the bipolar tests on here and I got 58 for the first one I did and 45 for mania and 35 for depression on the second one I did. They both said "severe symptoms possibly bipolar 1 disorder" I will now go and look it up.

I have spent the last year with my doctor and counselor and the hospital, going back and forth between a dx of Major Depression or Bipolar II. The only thing they can agree on is that I have Mixed Episodes. I've struggled. I don't think I have Bipolar II. I was diagnosed with Depression ten years ago, so I just assume, it's still that. However, I struggled with that diagnoses ten years ago too.
I think it's common for people to question a diagnoses, especially a bipolar diagnoses. At least, I've heard that is pretty common. So you are not alone in that. Sometimes the acceptance of the diagnoses is the hardest part.

ok i have looked it up and tried to read as much as i can and i have tried to be as open to it as i can. it is weird i can see how other people would say it sounds like me and some of it i agree is stuff that i experience but my head still tells me there is nothing wrong and that all that is made up so the doctors have an excuse to tell you to take the meds which will hurt you. like i am trying but my head just wont say yes i dont know how i feel right now.

Thank you for taking such a big step today. Please keep reading and thinking about it. There's a book called "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay redfield Jamison that might be good to read.

the book might have to go on the back list for now i cannot read a whole book at the moment :/