[Blueberrybook]

I had a fight with my daughter this evening. She's 10 1/2 going on 16. I know she's got hormones going galore (though my husband refuses to believe this) even if the pediatrician just told me a couple weeks ago that she believes my daughter will be starting her cycle before her birthday in mid-December based on her development, and we have a great pediatrician.

I wanted my daughter to take her bath. She always takes it before dinner because she is such a slow eater that taking it after dinner keeps her up forever and makes bedtime tricky.

Today was a hard day for me. I accidentally double-dosed my morning meds, which included the Adderall which made me manicky and antsy. Thank God, my Klonopin dose finally calmed it down. I should have taken it sooner rather than waiting for the usual 2 PM to take the 2 mg of it (the others, I take 1 mg in the morning, 1 at night), well, I guess it was 2 mg this morning since I just poured the wrong day of out of the pill box and swallowed it then later saw the pills in the Wednesday section, and thought, oh, no, I didn't take my meds and took them again. When I going really antsy, I realized it.

Anyway, I had to rush to get my daughter to camp from 12-3. It means leaving the house at 11:30 AM and getting her lunch ready by 10:45 because she is such a slow eater.

Before starting dinner, my daughter was playing a computer game. I came in and asked, "When you get to a good point..." and then started getting screamed at and my husband was sharp with me saying, "Not now! Can't you tell it's a bad time?" (For the record, no, I could not.) They didn't even let me finish my sentence, which was going to be to say, "When you have a good time for a break, let me know, so I can help you with your bath." Because of her sensory issues, I help out my daughter more than I should. She hates change, but each one is one battle at a time. My husband got all on my case like this computer game is important to her, she was at a critical point, couldn't you stop a minute and see what she was doing (I have no idea what this game is even about so I couldn't tell a good moment from a bad one if I tried). He continued to say I was to blame for our daughter yelling and getting upset. I was then upset and crying.

He NEVER backs me up when it comes to parenting. He always, always sides with my daughter. If I don't start getting these things done, we'd be eating at 9 PM and going to sleep after 11 PM. When I tell my daughter it's bedtime, she yells and fights me, and my husband is like, you don't need to be so harsh with her, but he never tells her she should not constantly yell at me, it upsets me and that yes, she needs to get ready for bed, it's time. I have to be the disciplinarian, the "mean, not fun" parent. Even though I have only once even spanked my daughter, when she was in pre-school and being deliberately mean to our cat and I'd told her time and again not to be doing such and such to the cat.

I feel like my husband sometimes thinks because I'm bipolar and on all these meds, I'm just automatically wrong when it comes to parenting our daughter. I think she needs routines and consistency, a proper bedtime, not just rules here and there whenever they fit the parent's needs. If I would get even an iota of support from him with parenting, it would hurt less, but he never takes my side and is always telling my daughter she was right, I was wrong. I don't claim to be a perfect parent. Yes, sometimes, I am wrong. But sometimes, I think he is, and my voice never gets heard, he won't listen to my point of view or have my daughter believe it has any validity.

I am so upset about this fight this evening with the both of them. Cooking for this family is so stressful. With her sensory issues, my daughter will eat no combined foods. If I can't pull it out plain while I'm cooking, I have to plan a separate meal for her. My husband will not eat potatoes, sweet peas, casseroles, or any recipes from the slow cooker. Cooking is super stressful for me because of all of this. That is why I hate cooking so much. It's like triple the work than for a normal family meal.

I know my husband loves me. I know my daughter loves me. I love them. It's just I would love it if my parenting choices weren't wrong all the time, if my husband didn't keep calling me too strict and telling me I'm wrong, especially in front of our daughter (I have told him this many times, and he keeps to the view that he is right). I'm not strict at all compared to many parents. My daughter's room is a mess. Who cleans it? Me. She won't get herself ready in the morning. Who picks out her clothes and prods her along? Me, even though I have told hubby time & again that by the time we were both 10 1/2, we were dressing ourselves. She won't brush out her hair. I have to do it. She won't shower (doesn't like the water in her face) and only recently started washing her own hair (under the faucet), but she doesn't do the greatest job of getting the shampoo out, so I have to be there telling her to rinse X place again, and oftentimes, she yells at me about that. She won't brush the tangles out of her hair. I have to do that. I have to prompt her along to get ready for bed. I feel like I am no fun and just totally mean as a parent and that my daughter loves my husband more than she does me.

I'm not creative with her the way he is. I don't understand the computer games and iPad games she plays because that is his thing and he bought and got her started on all the games she plays. Often, I'm tired. Sometimes, the med changes have me with moods all over the place. My stupid period comes every 21 days, and I get terrible PMS. Half the month, I'm on my period or having PMS. My husband acts like PMS is just a convenient excuse I throw out there and not something real and hard to deal with. Sometimes, I do fun stuff with my daughter, but other times, I will suggest things and it's no, no, no, I don't want to do that. She is outgrowing most of her toys and doesn't want to part with any. This would be such a huge help cleaning her room. Again, my husband takes her side and tells me to be more creative organizing when the stupid psych meds have killed nearly all of my creativity.

Sorry for the vent. I feel upset and sick to my stomach this evening

I was going to read more of my book club book this evening, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society, which I am enjoying. The meeting is Monday though, so I don't have a lot of time left to finish it. And with being upset this evening, I don't know if I will be able to read...sigh.

[Movingon69]

I hope you can find the energy to read the book. It's awesome.

This was one of the biggest issues in our marriage, although I wasn't diagnosed. He's a firefighter so I had to be the disciplinarian because he was gone 24 hours a day at least three times a week. As soon as he got home they'd run and "tell on me". He would soften any discipline I meted out. Granted, not being diagnosed I may have been overboard on some things. But it caused an environment where they thought they could manipulate him. Now that I'm diagnosed and we've been in counseling he gets the damage that was done and probably has contributed to the conflict I wrote about in my last post. They aren't used to him standing up for me. Are you two in counseling at any time? If not, would he be open so he can understand how important it is for you to have his support? I found this article and sent it to my husband thanking him for being my champion because I've never felt like he was until recently:
https://www.healthline.com/health/bi...e-with-bipolar

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Movingon69

I hope you can find the energy to read the book. It's awesome.

This was one of the biggest issues in our marriage, although I wasn't diagnosed. He's a firefighter so I had to be the disciplinarian because he was gone 24 hours a day at least three times a week. As soon as he got home they'd run and "tell on me". He would soften any discipline I meted out. Granted, not being diagnosed I may have been overboard on some things. But it caused an environment where they thought they could manipulate him. Now that I'm diagnosed and we've been in counseling he gets the damage that was done and probably has contributed to the conflict I wrote about in my last post. They aren't used to him standing up for me. Are you two in counseling at any time? If not, would he be open so he can understand how important it is for you to have his support? I found this article and sent it to my husband thanking him for being my champion because I've never felt like he was until recently:
https://www.healthline.com/health/bi...e-with-bipolar

No, we're not in counselling. Our insurance sucks, and we can't afford it. If we can keep affording our mortgage, we'll be lucky. Finances are very, very tight.

[~Christina]

I went through something like this when I was married to my daughters father, he was always giving me the “ your too strict blah blah blah

In your case ... can you just let things go ??? let it all go for as many days as it will take your husband to get a flipping clue? I know beyond hard but let her miss her bath, fix simple meal I’m thinking grilled cheese , eat and leave the table , let her sit there , let your husband deal with it.

I hope you find some kind of mutual agreement, you are is a shyt position I feel really bad for you

Do something nice for yourself ! Just you !

[Victoria'smom]

My husband is like that too. However we do not fight in front of our son. I'm the one that keeps the schedule. I'm the mean parent. cooking is also 3 meals for us. Honestly I would push her to get dx'd. She's 10 now but she needs to do basic care herself and occupational therapy can help. How is she doing in school? I know it's summer now. You sound exhausted. Could he cook dinner while you bath your daughter?

[Wild Coyote]

I can feel your pain.
I don't have much to add right now, yet am listening.
My heart goes out to you.


WC

[SorryShaped]

I had the same kinds of problems with parenting that you seem to. It was only one of her methods of control, to undermine everything I did.

[TishaBuv]

My sister divorced her husband because he undermined her parenting and turned the kids against her, telling them Mom is too over protective. Thank God, in my marriage, at least we were on the same page with parenting. It’s so Important for parents to be united with the children. I’m not sure what to suggest to you, but I feel for you and hope you can work something out to be united.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

My husband is like that too. However we do not fight in front of our son. I'm the one that keeps the schedule. I'm the mean parent. cooking is also 3 meals for us. Honestly I would push her to get dx'd. She's 10 now but she needs to do basic care herself and occupational therapy can help. How is she doing in school? I know it's summer now. You sound exhausted. Could he cook dinner while you bath your daughter?

I wish! He teaches high school and is home over the summer and has tons of projects he wants to do. The thing is they ride the teachers so hard during the school year, for so little pay, keeping them constantly exhausted, I feel bad asking for his help with household chores. He will be having to start teacher training once August starts, which he says is 95% pointless and a waste of time compared to the reality of actually teaching, especially when you get to a subject like he teaches (physics). He works at a title I school, with a lot of students below poverty level, some children of illegal aliens, others barely speaking English. Physics requires a lot of math, and their math skills tend to be so poor, he has to start by teaching them the number line.

During the school year, he never gets time to himself.

But yeah, I wish he would help with the meal prep, especially since I basically have to cook 3 meals. The problem though is our kitchen is small, a galley kitchen, and 2 people cooking at once makes it crowded. But yeah, I wish he’d be more open to eating other foods. I know everyone tends to have some foods they dislike (in my case, beets), but he dislikes a lot of foods.

When I try to push my daughter to do more things for herself, she gets upset (she hates change), runs to him, and he will back her up. But I see her friends doing these things for themselves, and I know I did them for myself at her age. It is frustrating not to even have her try to do things like basic grooming on her own. Sigh.

[pirilin]

My Mother chose to be the disciplinary. She did everything for me but wipe my ***.
My Father was the protector. From my mother's wrath.
He even prized me in my failures. Just to bother my mom, I guess.
"Wait 'till your father comes home" was never used in my house. If would have been a joke.

My Mother deserves more space in my heart. But my Father took it all.

[Unrigged64072835]

I was a single parent for may years. When I was with my abusive ex-fiance, he would not only undermine me but then tell me I needed to punish my daughter harder. It was a nightmare.

With my current husband, though, we were a team. She learned she couldn't get to of anything. She was still a pain until 19, but she isn't now. She also learned what a good relationship looks like.

Hi Cln1812,
I have never had children, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
The greatest gift you can give your daughter is a sense of independence or autonomy.
Strictly as an observer it seems like she has no consequences for her choices/actions. You do for her what she won’t do for herself or you try to “push” her to do what you want. This makes you both unhappy. Could you let her experience the repercussions of her choices including appropriate punishment for her actions (for example: no gaming until her room is cleaned - without any pushing or yelling or prodding on your part)? I bet she would only go to school/camp once with tangles in her hair. That doesn’t mean you turn your back on her, but let her deal with her own hair, including getting all the shampoo out. If shampoo gets left in, it isn’t the end of the world, and she will be the one dealing with gummy hair. She will eventually learn she is responsible for her choices. This will be a great asset when she gets older.
If she doesn’t get ready in time to go to day camp, she doesn’t go. So be it. Let your husband look after her on those afternoons, while you go out. This is a great opportunity to teach her self responsibility, especially if she enjoys camp. Better to use camp as a teaching tool, rather than school.
This feeling of dependence could torture her in her teen years, as she will yearn for independence without knowing how to be independent.
It kind of sounds like you use her sensory issues as an excuse for her being dependent, and that is not serving her at all.
Sorry if I come across rather harshly, that isn’t my intent as I can see you love your daughter dearly. I can also see there are many more issues than these few I so cheekily point out. Not having the support, and even downright disrespect of your husband adds a very difficult layer onto an already difficult situation.
With utmost respect for what you are going thru,
Colleen

[Victoria'smom]

What about getting her hair cut really short? That way it doesn't tangle as easily and there's less to wash. My son has some of the same problems. He hates his hair cut but wouldn't care for it. After years of fighting with him we forced him to cut it. Now he can keep his hair out from being washed less. I would find a haircut you both agree on then race to a hair dresser before she changes her mind.

[Wonderfalls]

Here's what I think. Your little girl has some disabilities that make living with her especially difficult. Because you're the one doing the day-to-day chores you have to deal with her disabilities every single day and in all the work you do. Your husband doesn't want to think she's anything other than completely normal. As long as he's doing just the fun stuff, he can ignore all the problems. And as for the things he absolutely cannot ignore, he, can just transpose them in his mind from being a problem with his "perfect" daughter to being a problem with your own shrewish behavior;

Obviously I'm not a mental health practitioner.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

Here's what I think. Your little girl has some disabilities that make living with her especially difficult. Because you're the one doing the day-to-day chores you have to deal with her disabilities every single day and in all the work you do. Your husband doesn't want to think she's anything other than completely normal. As long as he's doing just the fun stuff, he can ignore all the problems. And as for the things he absolutely cannot ignore, he, can just transpose them in his mind from being a problem with his "perfect" daughter to being a problem with your own shrewish behavior;

Obviously I'm not a mental health practitioner.

Wondefalls, I think you put it correctly. This is exactly the case here.

My daughter has had these sensory issues forever. She screamed at the vacuum cleaner the first time she heard it as a baby and still runs away from it any time I run it. Last year at school, they were deliberately trying to get the kids rowdy over an upcoming fundraiser, and when I picked her up that day, she told me she felt sick from the noise. A very few of her behariors have improved (most noteably, unexplained school meltdowns in which she would refuse to use words and that would go one for 30 minutes or longer), but not many of them. She really needs occupational therapy, but we can't afford it, and my husband doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with her so wouldn't want to do it anyway. She's had delayed motor skills a long time. She didn't even learn how to jump until she was 3 1/2 years old (which is very old for a child to only just start jumping on their own). She always walked downstairs in a very weird fashion (I can't even describe it) until it got markedly better only when she turned 10. Her 2 year old cousin could climb downstairs better than she could (though my daughter never had trouble with going upstairs). She can't tie a bow, and what's more, she doesn't even want to learn how. She is very stubborn, and no on can teach her something if she doesn't want to learn it. She is so skittish about falling and hurting herself that she won't rollerskate or ride a bike. She needed to start shaving her underarms this spring, and the razor was such a dramatic ordeal, I finally went out and got Nair.

I suspect that while she is not on the autism spectrum, she is very, very close to being on it (especially as I think my own father is on the spectrum with Aspergers). When she was in kindergarten and first grade, she did do some stimming type behavior (hand flapping and a weird thing with her neck) when I'd tell her it was time to do homework in a subject she didn't like (usually spelling because she already knew how to spell the words and didn't see the point in having spelling homework every day of the week), though that did stop.

Every thing is made harder by the fact that she is very, very smart. Two years in a row, she has scored 100% on the math state assessment test (STAAR) and only missed one question in reading (and this year, I looked at the question she missed, and it was very poorly written and confusing). She's going into 5th grade but reads English at over a 12th grade level and Spanish around a 4th grade level. She is in a dual language program in her school. Being that we are Anglo and speak no Spanish at all at home, it's pretty impressive.

But there were a lot of things with her being my only child and not having other children or babies to compare her to that she did that were not normal that I didn't realize until years later, such as sitting still and letting me read her unabridged copies of Dr. Seuss books at 3 months old or the time we went to a pediatrician's visit and she had 4 or 5 times the vocabulary expected at her age. She figured out multiplication on her own and then proceeded to learn the times tables like nothing (I remember my mom holding up flashcards many night helping me with this), but it was like, she figured out multiplication, and 2 weeks later, she knew all the basic times tables.

The pediatrician says the pickiness with eating comes with the sensory issues, but I feel I can hardly get angry at her because all the foods she likes to eat are healthy and good for her; they just all have to be separated and certain textures she dislikes (won't eat cooked carrots but will eat them raw). She won't eat hamburgers or pizza, but then again, it's a little stupid to complain about that. (I know I have eating disorder issues, but I don't show or talk about any of that in front of her - and I've always eaten mixed foods- except after she once accidentally saw an old picture of me near my worst while I was at college, and I told her I had a problem with not eating enough in college, and she was like, "Why would anyone do that?" as if it baffled her. Though I did use it as a moment to re-iterate what inappropriate touching is.) So I have a child with eating issues if foods are mixed, but she loves all fruits and vegetables, pretty much, except cooked carrots and bananas. Loves wheat bread, whole grains, cheeses, yogurt, fish, shrimp, nuts (as long as they are unsalted), chicken, turkey, etc. It's hard to complain except she won't eat any of these things except each by itself and with absolutely no seasoning.

The pediatrician said she is too high-functioning to get a 504 label (my husband would fight that anyway), but I'm thinking, OMG, what is she going to do next year when she starts 6th grade and has to wear shorts (she will only wear dresses) as part of a gym uniform and shower after P.E.? I try to tell her I'm only wanting her to do these things on her own so she can keep up with her friends, but she doesn't want to hear it.

Any time I try to explain myself to her or why I want her to try to do something on her own, she'll cover her ears and not listen, maybe cry or hum loudly, or go running off.

I know all kids come with challenges, and I am grateful it appears my daughter will likely never struggle in academics, but with life skills...that is a different story all together.

[Victoria'smom]

I would talk to the school about a 504 or IEP. That way she can get occupation therapy through the school district.

[*Laurie*]

It sounds like you have a strong need to control your daughter's behavior and choices. What exactly would happen if your let go of the need to take away her choices and do only what you want her to do?

[Blueberrybook]

You have to get the 504 from the pediatrician though, and the pedi said my daughter is high functioning and didn't recommend her for 504. I probably could get the pediatrician to give me the form, especially when I talked about a few of these issues as the visit was ending, but I don't think my husband will back me up.

We did have some IEP meetings with the school when my daughter was in kindergarten & first grade. She was supposed to get some occupational therapy for things that affected her school day (such as hating the noise of the hand blow dryers in the restrooms so much, they finally just started sending her to the nurse's bathroom, where there were paper towels). Her school has a very high turnover of counselors for some reason. You don't see it with the teachers or other staff except they've also gone through a few nurses. I should try to push the issue with the counselor this year. I think this will actually be her 3rd year there.

Maybe with the principal too. The principal there is great (if a workaholic). She learns all the kids by name as soon as she can (though my daughter is an easier one to learn since her school is about 95% Hispanic, and my daughter is Anglo & blonde). My daughter loves the principal (sometimes, the counselors would even send her to sit with the principal if the principal was doing paperwork, and my daughter had a meltdown for no reason anyone could tell and wouldn't use words until my daughter calmed down enough to talk with words). There always was a reason; it was just oftentimes, extremely subtle and not easily apparent.

Anyway, the principal is always at the PTO meetings, and the PTO participating parents group is tiny, 20 parents or less. I could have a word with her then. Sometimes the counselor is at the PTO meetings too if an upcoming event involves the counselor.