Greets...some advice with death...don't mean to be a downer...

Hello fellow roller coaster riders - I'm new signing up but I was diganosed bp about five years ago - after being misdiagnosed for years previously. It took a small visit to the institution to get my act together again but I'd like to think of myself as one of the success stories - with the medical cocktail they've had me on, the highs weren't so manic nor the lows so bad that I'd break down.

Until about seven months ago - when my wife unexpectedly died at the very young age of 34, leaving a very sad husband, son and daughter. Death and BP disorder don't mix well - needless to say it's been real tough emotionally - mostly lows of pure grief and utter despair, making it real tough to do my job and give my kids the attention they need. At the same time, I've recognized and have started to "move on" - I totally accept her passing.

But I still feel in a serious rut - one I can't get out of. The normal questions of one's mortality strike an even deeper chord inside me. I find myself starting to "check out" women passing by, yet still feeling an illogical guilt that I'm still somehow being unfaithful to my wife's memory that makes me break out into tears.

Has anyone on this forum experienced the death of a spouse? Anyone want to chime in at all?

thanks....

I am really sorry for the loss of your wife....while I have never lost my spouse...things have been gritty so to say. I think that the feelings you have are normal....have you talked to your T? He/She might be able to shine a bit more light on things and help you to work through the problems you face with the loss of your wife and you may want to consider grief counseling for your children. I am sure (know how bp is) that having you messed up with bp and grief is not helping them...they probably need an outlet also. Think about talking to your T or pdoc.

I agree...Welcome to PC...

thanks....

re the kids - took them to grief counseling and the pros seem to think they're adapting well - it's just their father who's messed up, lol.

My T tells me this is "normal" (hate that word) - but i don't see how being manic or very low could be construed as normal. Grief? Yes - but I still can't get a grip on my emotions anymore....like the medicine doesn't work sometimes anymore. What I don't want is to have to change meds because it took so long to get me stabilized.

anyways..thanks for the advice.

This is a big blow...throw on top of it BP... and...

It will take time to heal from this and it will be much like the horses on a merry go round

Keep posting...

Welcome.....as the others have replied,sorry about your wife.
Seems to me youve been through alot ,big things like loss can really throw anyone into an emotional mess.
Although you are having difficulties, I admire that youve been able to hold it together....esp with kids,thats gotta be tough.
Is it possible that your meds could be tweeked a little?
Have you talked to your pdoc about an adjustment?
Its always good if you can at least talk to him/her about options.
Hope you find pc a place of comfort and support.

Dear LuckyR, yes, my spouse died. It has been 21 months now, and things are very different as time passes. I have so much to tell you, yet want you to know that each of us is on a different path, so your path may be nothing like mine. When my husband died, I went into a Manic phase. It lasted for about 4 months and during that time I gave away about 30 thousand dollars (most of it to one man) and started to sleep with a lot of strangers and bought a 42 thousand dollar car. Then, the bottom dropped and I started sleeping for 20 hours at a time, almost lost my job and continued my man hunt. That was year one. Thinking that year 2 should be better, I spent 3 days in the hospital and really hit bottom. I also saw a thearpist the first year, but remember very little about that time. OK< now for the good news. After much study, new docs, new meds, help from family and friends, self-reflection and no doubt the grace of God, I am living back to my "normal crazy". The pros say it takes 15 to 18 months to go through the first stages of grief and they are correct when they say it. Give yourself space and take whatever help you can find. I like widownet.org for a place to talk to other widows/ers to name a starting place. My heart goes out to you, as I do believe we got a double whammy with the death and our own mental illness. Get the help you deserve and get it now when you are able to ask for it. Peace to you and yours - Debra