[wildflowerchild25]

I'm having what I call a "fragile day", meaning I feel like I'm about to break down and cry any second. I'm barely making it through. The only saving grace is that it is a professional development day so I am in workshops all day instead of teaching. Thank god for that.

I had an awful dream early this morning that I think triggered this.

Possible trigger:

In it, I had thought my husband had died but then he showed up at my house. Turned out he was on a drug bender/manic episode bender and we just all thought he was dead because he had disappeared. I was SO HAPPY to see him. It was amazing. He held me and apologized for being away. Then we decided to renew our vows in a small ceremony. Well my mom kept getting involved and yelling at him and calling him a horrible person for doing that To me. they kept fighting throughout the whole ceremony. At some point I left to return my rented wedding items and when I came back everyone was crying. I ran over to my brother and asked what happened. I asked "did he die?!" (Which is exactly what I asked the police officer on the night he died in real life) and my brother just said yes. I fell in the ground screaming and crying (which again, really did happen). I asked how. They didn't know. My mom had said something to him and called him worthless or something and he just died from a heart attack. I then screamed at her and ended up attacking her and trying to kill her. Then I woke up.

The dream was basically reliving the night he died. I was so happy for him to be alive and then he died. I miss him so much. I have t really been missing him for a long time because I've been so angry at him but all of a sudden I'm back to being completely heartbroken. I just loved him so much, and he loved me so much, and I don't think I'll ever find that again. It's ****ing me up.

So yeah I want to go crawl into bed and cry for the rest of the day. But I can't.

Good thing is I didn't buy cigarettes.

[Wild Coyote]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

((((( wildflowerchild ))))))

As you know all too well. grieving the loss of a beloved spouse takes a long time. Honestly I don't think anyone ever "gets over it," they grieve and eventually learn to live (somehow) with the tragedy.

Nobody will ever "replace" your husband.
This is not to say you will never love deeply again, in your future.

Grieving takes time -- lots of time.
I am so glad you can share openly here.
I hope we can help to support you.

Congrats on no smoking! This has to be a huge challenge!

Much Supportive Love,


WC

What a terrible dream!!! I'm sure it was nice to see him and hold him but then it ended so sad. I can only imagine how sad and terrible you must have felt....in the dream, and then waking up to reality. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Be kind to yourself today and always. I wish I had words of comfort for you but in this situation I'm lost for words. (((Hugs)))

[Wild Coyote]

I had meant to add:

I have had dreams in which deceased loved ones return and I am so overjoyed, truly ecstatic, to see they are alive! It's so terribly disappointing to realize, after the joy or reuniting, it's all a dream.

It feels like a very cruel trick, toying with emotions, and creates one heck of a rapid emotional roller coaster ride -- the reuniting feel so vivid, so real, so joyous. I had felt freshly devastated all over again for a few days following these types of dreams.

Continue taking extra good care of yourself during this trying time.



WC

Oh sweetie (((((((((wildflowerchild))))))))) that was one a hell of an emotional rollercoaster dream! Yikes. I'm so sorry. It's no surprise it would shake you up and make you feel fragile. Be gentle with yourself, ok? Maybe you can think of something soothing to do at home tonight? A soothing hot bath? Something like that?

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks guys. I'm about to go to my therapist appt so hopefully talking about it will help me feel better. It usually does. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear that. I hope you do feel better soon. Grieving is hard. Sometimes you have to take life minute by minute.

[BipolaRNurse]

I'm so sorry about that dream. Those ones are heart-wrenching. I had a similar one about a week ago in which my husband came back, and all was well again...and then suddenly he was dead and I wasn't there for him. Woke up crying and felt horrible all day. Most of the other dreams I've had with him in them show him alive and healthy---he's the same age, but there is no expression of pain, no gauntness, no look of death in his face.

Last night I had to kill a big spider in my room. I'm afraid of them. Dispatching bugs used to be his job, but now I'm responsible for killing my own spiders. The first thing I did was call out his name out of habit, and then in a split-second I realized I was on my own. So I waited till the critter came down from the ceiling, whacked the hell out of it with my shoe, and burst into tears. The hits just keep on coming, don't they?

[wildflowerchild25]

I felt better (despite election results) for the rest of the week but today I am so damn depressed. Like can't move off the couch depressed. I've literally been laying on the couch since I got up at 7:45, with short trips up to get food for myself and my son. I slept for about two hours while he played. Then we went to lunch but after we got home I laid on the couch again. I didn't ignore my son; I talked with him for about an hour about all sorts of stuff and let him show me things on his iPad so he wouldn't be alone, but I had to tell him I'm not feeling well because I couldn't get up and make paper turkeys with him like he wanted. I feel like utter **** about everything in my life today, especially my parenting and teaching skills.

For the past eight months I've had bad days but this is the first time I've felt so completely depressed. It's only been one day so I'm not worried yet but it's very tough to deal with.

Should I feel guilty that I kind of took a "time out" day from my life? It's not that bad if it's only once in a while right? I am forcing myself to at least sit up now and I did get up and vacuum the living room so I feel like less of a failure. And I moved the laundry around.

My sister and brother in law are supposed to come here around 8pm. I'm tempted to tell them not to come so I can just go to bed when my son does but it will probably be better to have some adult companionship, even if it's just for a couple of hours. My mom is trying to quit smoking again so I can't talk to her since she is on the verge of snapping and tearing my head off. So it would Be nice to talk to them. Hopefully I won't be a buzzkill.

I hope this is just one day. I'm getting tired of these days though. And this one has no trigger that I can tell. That's the worst. At least if I have a bad dream or see something upsetting there's a reason. I hate when it's out of the blue.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

The good news is that you know you respond to Emsam well and tolerate it and since you're doing just every other day an increase to every day still keeps you at a low dose.

I hope you feel better but if you don't the med is there as an option. (I found it much less energizing after I'd been on it a while and now even 12 mg doesn't agitate me if I'm severely depressed and go to that dose).

[Wander]

How are you feeling now? Thinking of you.

Nope, not so bad. No need to feel guilty over a few "time out" days.
Sorry you felt crappy today.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm doing better today. Having my sister in law to talk to last night definitely helped. Only problem today is I'm majorly hungover so I'm still glued to the couch. That's my own fault though. I should have been more responsible and stopped drinking when my six pack was done. I always say I will but then I'm having too much fun drinking and don't want to stop. I think I'm going to stop drinking for a little while though. I've been drinking every Friday and Saturday for months now. I need to take a little break.

Thankfully though the depression was short lived. I think it also has to do with not using my patch correctly. I keep forgetting to put it on and go 3-4 days without it. I'm sure that's not helping. I need to set a reminder in my phone or something.

Don't feel bad about taking a day off. It sounds like your son was kept safe and busy and that is all that matters. Life is changing and kids don't do chores from dawn till dusk like the old days....in the current world kids occupy themselves and do some self exploration which isn't unhealthy at all. I'm glad you had adult companionship and we are here to support you if you decide to stop drinking on the weekends. I hope your hangover goes away soon and you begin to feel overall better. (((Hugs)))

[wildflowerchild25]

Ended up feeling moderately depressed yesterday. Like I felt better in the am but it fell apart in the afternoon. I was extremely anxious and was unable to write my lesson plans or complete any work for my online class. I didn't get to sleep until midnight even after taking valerian root and melatonin.

I'm sick with anxiety today. I took off work because my son claimed he was sick (which as it turns out he really wasn't as he's running around like normal). I'm afraid I will get in major trouble for taking off because we just had a four day weekend. I'm afraid I'll be fired over it. Which is unreasonable, at most they would warn me not to do it again and that's it. They're not going to fire me in the middle of the school year. But that's how I feel. I can't breathe and my chest is tight just thinking about it. But there's nothing I can Do now.

I feel so anxious. I hope I calm down as the day goes on. I actually have to write my lesson plans today and do my school work. I don't know how I'm going to manage that. Just thinking about opening my computer is upsetting me.

[~Christina]

Sorry I'm so late to this , I was trying to come up with some wise helpful stuff.

My brain is not cooperating.

Your in my thoughts.. Loads of hugs to you ❤️

[wildflowerchild25]

Well after being paralyzed on the couch by anxiety for much of the day I finally started to calm down around three. I got my lesson plans done and I did the school work I've been avoiding. I feel better now that those things are done. Hopefully this is an indication that I will be feeling better tomorrow.

Also - I did NOT buy cigarettes even though I really ****ing wanted them. Two weeks smoke free for me, even through adversity. I'm proud of myself.

[~Christina]

Great news !!!

[Wander]

Congratulations on quitting smoking. That is incredibly tough to do. And to then not go back to it when your mood is so off is another victory. You should be proud. Really hope you do feel better tomorrow. I am in tomorrow now (Australia) and it is wonderful

That is most excellent, wildflowerchild!

[Unrigged64072835]

Glad that you are doing better. Hoping that the calmness will continue.