[Manic Trance]

After a long time of not even pretending to manage this, I'm getting back on track, back on the forum, etc.
Had a big professional life shake up, came out on top and things are good, and I just want for something to be able to be good and stay that way and not F it up.
Mania, sleeplessness, drugs, parties, are nice, the crash isn't, the tole of the crash on everything and everyone around me is not ok
Gotta try to keep it together
So here I am

[Unrigged64072835]

Picked up another med today. One and a half hour wait. Forgot my script yesterday so I had to go back. Otherwise a quiet day. Took a nap and about to make dinner here soon. Tomorrow is PT and getting paperwork done for CPAP supplies. Ugh. At least it's keeping me busy.

[Wander]

Good day so far (It is 1.30pm Thursday). Saw a close friend this morning. We haven't caught up for ages so it was great. Went to the pharmacy and got a tonne of scripts then came home and did some organising. Now on the phone, on hold for 30 minutes so far, waiting to talk to the disability services about my education payments as I am changing degrees next year. It is going to involve a lot of paperwork and waiting I am guessing. I get $30 a week to study. Not much but it helps a lot. Wish they could just change it all over the phone but I have to first notify them I have discontinued my last degree and then go into the department and complete all the forms for the new degree. Wait times in the department can be up to 3 hours. Better take some reading.

Sill feeling very fragile and emotional and exhausted mentally and physically. The bombshell my pdoc dropped on me yesterday it hitting hard too. My T text me this morning, knowing I was very upset about it, and suggested I do all I can to calm down, put the pdoc issue on the shelf for a few weeks and focus on my recovery. At least I have an awesome T. He often texts when things go down to make sure I am safe and ok.

[LadyShadow]

Good day for me yesterday, I was feeling on top of the world because I felt so accomplished on my second day of work. But I got really tired around 8:30pm and fell asleep. It was hours of broken sleep since then, and now its 3am and I am still tired but can't sleep. What I would give for at least 8 hours of sleep!

This bipolar sucks :/

[usehername]

24 hrs ago, I found out my grandmother died from my uncles wife on fb messenger. Her delivery was cold. My uncle and I haven't spoken since February... maybe that's why? My daughter and I had an appointment with the GAL appointed to our custody case today. Having talked to ex first, she treated me like I belong in inpatient permanently. Had tons of questions about my stability and outright said that my handling of paperwork (it was actually me trying to ascertain wth she was talking about that was the problem) had her seriously doubting my parenting skills, as if one has anything to do with the other... each doc I've spoken to (paperwork had to do with ROIs) has told me that's HER job, not mine, and that after speaking with her, her expectations are totally unreasonable.

My sister was close to my grandmother, so I texted her again (since I still hadn't heard from her) to check on her. She and I finally talked for maybe five minutes before she launched into an attack saying I was keeping all of our late mother's stuff from everyone and demanding a bunch of her stuff. She has not been here in about a year, and the last time she was, I asked her about 20 times if she was sure she didn't want to take anything else of mom's with her.

My daughter was awake less than 5 of the past 24 hours and was nodding off in public. Again. It's been weeks. She's failing out of school. They don't seem to care that she has a legitimate disability.

I don't know what else to say. My life is a **** pile and my heart breaks for my daughter.

feeling blah.

like, who cares about me anyway.. I am after all, the weakest link in the world- a dead goldfish or worm is more important than i'll ever be.

[hopeless2015]

Hugs Shattered...your important to us here!!

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by usehername

24 hrs ago, I found out my grandmother died from my uncles wife on fb messenger. Her delivery was cold. My uncle and I haven't spoken since February... maybe that's why? My daughter and I had an appointment with the GAL appointed to our custody case today. Having talked to ex first, she treated me like I belong in inpatient permanently. Had tons of questions about my stability and outright said that my handling of paperwork (it was actually me trying to ascertain wth she was talking about that was the problem) had her seriously doubting my parenting skills, as if one has anything to do with the other... each doc I've spoken to (paperwork had to do with ROIs) has told me that's HER job, not mine, and that after speaking with her, her expectations are totally unreasonable.

My sister was close to my grandmother, so I texted her again (since I still hadn't heard from her) to check on her. She and I finally talked for maybe five minutes before she launched into an attack saying I was keeping all of our late mother's stuff from everyone and demanding a bunch of her stuff. She has not been here in about a year, and the last time she was, I asked her about 20 times if she was sure she didn't want to take anything else of mom's with her.

My daughter was awake less than 5 of the past 24 hours and was nodding off in public. Again. It's been weeks. She's failing out of school. They don't seem to care that she has a legitimate disability.

I don't know what else to say. My life is a **** pile and my heart breaks for my daughter.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's awful that everyone seems to treat you so unfairly and the problems your daughter is experiencing, especially now. At least your daughter has a loving mother who's there for her.

Isn't there anyone you can ask to help you with the paperwork and maybe sorting other things out? Maybe some organisation that helps people like us (I work for one as a volunteer and it can make all the difference).

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

feeling blah.

like, who cares about me anyway.. I am after all, the weakest link in the world- a dead goldfish or worm is more important than i'll ever be.

You are important to me and I'm sure all of us here. It wouldn't be the same without you.

I'm sorry you have such a rough time now that everyone is expected to have a nice day with family. But there must be places where you could go where there are other people that deserve the company and love of others but don't receive it. Oh, I know! It's here.

I see us as some kind of family, it fulfills a part of that role for sure (I sure feel more love here than with either of my parents; I cling on to any form of substitute, that hurts because I realise what I've missed and still miss, but it's better than being alone).

[Wild Coyote]

Busy, busy with medical and PT.

Not truly ready for the holiday which seems to be a part of the holiday -- not being ready, that is.

Trying to get through, moment-by-moment.
I hope to find enjoyment each day.
I hope we all do.


WC

[Moose72]

At Starbucks. Friend here talking to other people. I brought my CD player but the batteries are dead and my extras are home.

I feel fine. Hoping this med change in a couple weeks goes well. I'm afraid it won't and I'll be on zyprexa forever (with huge cholesterol).

Presents are bought. Kids got theirs mostly already. So much church- tonight rehearsal, late service Saturday then Sunday regular then to my mom's then to my aunt's.

Moose: How come you're not on something like Lipitor? Lipitor helps me a lot. I was at 314 and went down to 268 in a matter of months.

Hopefully your new med change works though

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Moose: How come you're not on something like Lipitor? Lipitor helps me a lot. I was at 314 and went down to 268 in a matter of months.

Hopefully your new med change works though

I am on lipitor. It's helping some.

Maybe it's the excitement of the Christmas Season (I for once will celebrate the holiday dinner with both of my children together) but I am feeling rather perked up. Even the prospect of a future surgery hasn't brought me down. I am full of energy. My home is clean, everything is ready for Christmas Eve and Day, I am actually reading, and - joy of joys - I have even taken out my art supplies.

I am missing the other signs of hypo/mania though. I usually experience heightened irritability and become rather snappy with a short fuse. I haven't noticed the talk a mile a minute signifier either. I've been able to stick to my budget without the urge to go over. Generally, I just feel unusually happy.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

feeling blah.

like, who cares about me anyway.. I am after all, the weakest link in the world- a dead goldfish or worm is more important than i'll ever be.

Hugs shattered - I certainly don't perceive you like that

Grrrr to any dysfunctional and pernicious family of origin (or medical professionals) who treated anyone worse than a dead worm I can relate

Ursida

[LadyShadow]

Pretty relaxed at the moment, just waking up. Excited that I will be going to work today after a successful day yesterday, he asked me to come in for some more hours.

[scatterbrained04]

Used some vacation time to have a 5 day weekend. So far I've been dealing with work all morning...

Going to try to get some cleaning done and also relax a bit.

[Faltering]

Today I made it through the grocery store without worrying about a shooting taking place, so that's an improvement. I'm still getting paranoia about my family poisoning my food and drinks. I've been sleeping 10 hours lately with vivid dreams. It's hard to wake up even after sleeping more than enough. I'm having periodic hallucinations and bouts of anger. I feel like I've been eating way too much lately. It's hard because my mom has so much candy and junk food here. I'm at a healthy weight and refuse to gain.

My sister and her husband are coming tomorrow to stay for 5 days. My sister is extremely negative and hostile so I know she's bound to upset me and everyone else. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her. This will not mix well with my anger.

[Moose72]

Faltering, back around 1998 my husband left me and our year old son in the car to go in the bank. It took him so long that I was convinced that the place was on fire or being robbed. Didn't help that there was a fire truck there and the bank guards had locked people out. I had gotten out of the car with my son because I was convinced my husband was in trouble. This was pre diagnosis and meds

[Faltering]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Faltering, back around 1998 my husband left me and our year old son in the car to go in the bank. It took him so long that I was convinced that the place was on fire or being robbed. Didn't help that there was a fire truck there and the bank guards had locked people out. I had gotten out of the car with my son because I was convinced my husband was in trouble. This was pre diagnosis and meds

Definitely sounds like something I'd do. It doesn't help when events in the environment seem to support your conclusion.

[hopeless2015]

Doing OK today, boss let us off at 2:30!! Officially on break until the 3rd, I work for a University and we get a nice holiday break

[Unrigged64072835]

Went to physical therapy (20 minutes of traction for my back) and gave my sleep doc paperwork to fill out for my CPAP supplies. Medicare requirements are rather strange. I now have two days of nothing to do and I need to keep my mind busy. Daughter and her boyfriend are working so I won't see them until Christmas Eve evening.

[LadyShadow]

I am doing great! Had a successful first few days of work, only downfall is we don't get paid till the first week in January. I was kind of counting on that because I have $31 in the bank till the New Year!

That has been stressing me out, but my bipolar has been in check. Other than crazy NYC drivers I am pretty much in a good mood.

[Coconutzo]

The inevitable holiday dip is upon me. And I'm shaky as F$$K.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

I am doing great! Had a successful first few days of work, only downfall is we don't get paid till the first week in January. I was kind of counting on that because I have $31 in the bank till the New Year!

That has been stressing me out, but my bipolar has been in check. Other than crazy NYC drivers I am pretty much in a good mood.

Great news! Well done at work. Pity about the pay though. Will you be ok for essentials like food?