Been running from the diagnosis for 10 years

So I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 17 and I've basically rejected/ran from the diagnosis since. I've been so successful in rejecting the diagnosis I've managed to convince myself and others it's something else! Depression! PTSD from my bad childhood.....

..... and now I'm an adult and I'm experiencing the dawning realisation that I'm a total wreck and I've avoided the truth.
Honestly, I just didn't want to have BPD. I already understood well enough at that age that it meant a life of being watched.... judged for having a mood that isn't your own.... a state of mind you do not control. I was ready to accept a diagnosis for easily conflated disorders similar to BPD (like borderline) because they are at least changing disorders that reduce with severity as people age.

Anything... I'd try anything to just not have BPD.
I honestly didn't believe I had it either. But I certainly couldn't stand the thought of "levelling" my moods out. My moods felt perfectly natural! No jarring shift from one stage to the next.... or not perceptible to me.

But the thought of flattening my moods with drugs repulsed me. The one thing I had going for me was my "life of the party" personality. I was loud, funny, confident, flirty! But I was also tremendously self destructive.
I loved to party and party I did! With tremendous gusto! I found that staying up all night, taking stimulants and dancing only made me feel better... and better... sure I'd be sorta tired and hungover the next day but I WASNT depressed!! And god was it liberating, I felt I had so much life to make up for.

And then I'd crash.... usually explosively as by that point people would be concerned about my wellbeing. During these states I'd try anything to shift back.... instead everything would spiral down the shitcan and I'd wind up in hospital after a suicide attempt.

My depressive states tend to dominate now and I've tried nearly every anti depressant in the book. They all just send me absolutely crazy.

I came here in a desperate attempt to find out if anyone else had stories like mine? I mean, I've met type 1s in hospital and it seems like a whole other ball game when psychosis is involved. I'm lucky? (I guess) to have type II
but that doesn't make it any less easier to deal with.

I honestly REALLY struggle to perceive change in my moods. I can't see changes coming at all. I know people with bipolar have a clinical lack of awareness of their condition but does it really feel like this? There isn't a day goes by I don't question the validity of the diagnosis, but I also know it's the only one that truly fits.

Sorry for the long post. I'm having a really bad day today.

BP or BPD? They are two different things. Bipolar (BP) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Hi, and welcome to the forums. I just thought I'd point that out so as we are all on the same page.

For most of my life I knew full well something was wrong. I actually took my diagnosis as a godsend. For, finally there did exist a group of people to which I belonged.

Would you say you are fighting the diagnosis? What is it you're afraid of or wish to avoid? Why is it important to you to do so? Have you considered what life would be like if you did heed the diagnosis? I was reluctant for treatment because I was riding a tidal wave of adventure at the time. But I realised this couldn't be maintained. Yes, there are things I don't like about medication and treatment but they are the cost of stability.

Another note I wish to make. You mentioned a lot of anti depressants. Are you aware that SSRIs affect bipolar individuals negatively. They can send them into a break.

Sorry, I said BPD didn't I? I mean BD. (Though at one point I would have preferred it)

I think it's the whole being watched that really upsets me. When I was younger and my family thought I had BD due to a particularly bad reaction to fluoxetine. (which resulted in a positive diagnosis a few weeks later. My family history of schizophrenia apparently aided the diagnosis)

I was then put on some very very strong drugs, Olanzapine, and I'm sure tons of you have tried the same stuff! It pins you to your bed for days on end, only rousing to consume more and more food. You'll eat until you vomit on olanzapine.

As a young man it ruined my life.... my prolactin shot through the roof, I grew boobs and became impotent, but the unshakable eye of my family was equally as distressing. I couldn't do a thing without them being concerned I was in danger or at risk, That could not stand, I decided to fight the diagnosis no matter what. (I also totally didn't believe the diagnosis one bit, even though I was worried it might be true)

I'm uselessly scared about approaching my psych. I have a reputation for being non-compliant and I've behaved like a total idiot fightin this diagnosis. I basically need to grovel for help and admit defeat. In the mean time I ordered some lithium orotate to try and keep me even a little bit stable until I see my pdoc.

Sorry if my writing is all over the place, I'm not sleeping and my organisation is all messed up and I keep forgetting what I'm supposed to be talking about

I spent years running from myself...not the diagnosis, but me. By the time I got a diagnosis I was so thrilled that I could take a pill to balance things out that I was oh, so willing to do so.

However, the flattening of the emotions is a difficult thing to handle. Right now I'm lessening my Geodon (with my pdoc's approval) because I'm tired of being flat all of the time. It seems to be helping, even though the results aren't perfect.

You aren't alone, you know. We understand you here.

I didn't run for 10 years. I've run for three before finally coming to terms only months ago. Finally started seeing if meds help me. That's still up in the air, at this moment. Apparently, I have BP 1 w/psychotic features; thing is, I don't really see it until I'm a wreck. Hell, even when I'm a wreck I question my diagnoses like crazy. I mean, what about MDD w/psychotic features? Then again, I was diagnosed with MDD for some time and all of the antidepressants they tried only worked for a few days after their half-life began, then I'd be obsessively suicidal along with dealing with psychosis. My first full manic episode was due to antidepressants, actually, which then turned very dangerous and into my first mixed episode until I finally landed in the hospital. You need a stabilizer. Antidepressants take you up but when you're not depressed they make a person suicidal and worse. So, when you're up from them, then they turn on you and tear you apart. That's why you're supposed to also be on a "downer" of sorts. Otherwise, it could be dangerous.

I have to say, aside from the BP 1/BP 2 difference, your story sounds very similar to my own. Granted, I've run for less time. I stopped running because my fiance was desperate to get me help and eventually, when I was in crisis, I listened to him. If it gives him security, I guess I can deal with the diagnosis. I can't really deny it anymore, anyway. I mean, I've gone off the deep end pretty bad, as of late. Best to accept and treat, rather than run and jump off the cliff.

Welcome, I'm also from the uk and am completely not into dxs/labels but my situation is unusual. (Meds do me more harm than good). You'll find many people here who understand and relate

(Btw the pdoc I consulted would only prescribe Paxil but I think he must have had links with drug companies or maybe he was insane ... )
(More recently seroquel was pushed but I'm allergic to that too..... grrrrr)

Welcome to the forums, Jimbodude!

I was curious about the anti-depressants too -- did they give them to you without a stabilizer? Was it from GP or a Pdoc (psychiatrist -- throwing you some more forums lingo )?

I didn't run from the dx, but it came about 25 years after the energy roller coaster had started in earnest. I'd run more from the symptoms themselves. I knew there was something very wrong, but whatever "it" was I didn't want to know, because I was so mortified by some of the resultant behavior. Yeah, no apparent logic there. But what it was was that my mother was (undx'd) BP, and I had vowed to NEVER be like her. I didn't want confirmation that I was, in fact, that very thing, despite major effort to "just be normal".

Finally though, my ex insisted I see someone. That began the AD chaos -- prescribed without a stabilizer by a GP. Which is why I ask. A LOT of us have been down that road. Mine was a result of woefully inadequate "screening". And really, that must be in quotes, because, "So, no highs?" is not exactly screening, is it? I had no idea what she was talking about and was in no condition to realize to ask -- laid out on the table feeling like whale **** at the bottom of the ocean and scarcely able to wiggle brain cells enough to think. (In hindsight I should have had someone with me, but I struggle with asking for help and have never had anyone to care enough to do it anyway.)

But anyway, are you currently open to the idea of meds? If so, Lamictal comes to mind as something you might try. Obviously it's a matter of working with your provider, but it's one that is known for not tending to be flattening and is also an extremely common choice for BP II.