Extreme stress - serious advice needed

RainyDay107 · 03:24 AM

Hi,

I'm experiencing an extremely stressful event in my life and it's affecting my bipolar disorder (type 1, rapid cycling, psychotic features). (I am disabled and receive SSDI). Mixed episode is my predominant mood state and insomnia is an ongoing issue for me. I also have OCD, Social anxiety, Panic disorder, C-PTSD, and GAD. It stinks!

In 2009, I had two extremely stressful life events that lasted for several months. I had a severe mixed episode with psychosis and was hospitalized for 5 months.

In 2006., I am had an extremely stressful life event that made me extremely anxious and I had a psychotic mixed episode for seven months. At this time, I was misdiagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, given SSRI's, and reacted poorly to the medication. It made me worse. (I should have been hospitalized but I was extremely paranoid in a delusional sense and trusted no one. I kept quiet, in a terrified way.)

I have had many other episodes, including severe depression - but the above are examples of how bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders affect me. I don't do well with stress.

Therefore, I exhibit a pattern of having extreme episodes (typically manic or mixed) that are triggered by extreme, ongoing stress for months. I have become aware of this pattern yet have been unable so far to mitigate a "breakdown" that requires IP.

I just got out of psych IP because the stress of my current life event got to me. I became floridly manic that turned very "dark" and did not sleep for four days. I was medication compliant - but the episode still happened. I reached out to my psychiatrist (and therapist) and he admitted me (voluntary) to IP, thinking the hospital could stabilize me before he could.

My IP stay did stabilize me, but the IP psychiatrist didn't understand the episode was caused by stress. She said I was "overmedicated" and took away two meds (no titration) and significantly reduced every med except my antipsychotic. This was not helpful, I'm home yet feeling very fragile. I'm laughing and crying everyday, throughout the day. My anxiety is very high.

I contracted a severe bacterial stress infection during my IP stay and I cannot remember the last time I've been so physically ill. Between psych med withdrawals and the infection (which I just finished a strong course of antibiotics but I'm still recovering and weak/coughing), I returned home in a bad state.

I've returned to my home environment and my extremely stressful event still exists. The stress will get worse as the circumstances get worse, it's a fact. I'm very disappointed with myself that I ended up IP at this stage - my goal was to avoid IP (I got a therapist and see her weekly as soon as this stress life event arose) altogether. If I needed IP, I expected it MUCH later in the game, if you will.

My extremely stressful life event will remain and intensify over the next year, I estimate. It is not something I can extricate myself from. It is something I will have to deal with and I am worried.

Current status: I have seen my therapist post-IP and will continue weekly. I see my psychiatrist today, whom I like, but I'm so worried about my med changes from IP. I have OCD and my med for OCD was taken away...the ruminating thoughts are severe. My anxiety is becoming severe. Panic attacks and C-PTSD have returned. I'm nearly agoraphobic. Etc.

My question: Are any of you very affected by stress? How do you cope? I am doing everything I can think of, including self-care. My self-care becomes pushed away during extreme stress, that's my problem. I'm caring for someone in declining health and I tend to disregard self-care (not on purpose, but at least I know now).

Thanks for reading. If anyone has any tips on what really, really helps with stress - please reply. I'm creating a self-care "toolkit" and I need everything in my arsenal, so to speak. I cannot take a break from my environment and I must stay well enough to stay out of IP. I can get through this, I am strong as a person. But I'm fragile right now, improperly medicated, and ruminating and cycling again.

Theresa1991 · Mar 10, 2017, 04:51 AM

Hey glamslam. Sounds like you are with an awful lot of pressure right now. Sorry about that.

I react a lot to stress too. I am probably bipolar II or just cyclothymic, they don't know for sure yet. So my episodes are not that intense, I don't ever become full blown manic or psychotic. Anyways, when under a lot of stress it is probable that I will first turn hypo, put myself under even more stress, maybe turn into mixed and then become severely anxious and in the end depressed.

I am right now in a stress based hypo phase that turned kind of dark. At some point I reach that moment when I am just so aggressive and irritable and on the verge of a panic attack that i know I have to reduce all the stressors.

So what i do is I cancel everything that is not 100 % necessary. Usually I have difficulties distinguishing what is necessary and what not. Moreover I am a very responsible person and hate cancelling on work or friends or sports or whatever i consider i have to do. anyway, that sometimes keeps the episodes from going bad, if i take myself out of almost everything at the right moment.

other things - sleep routine, workout, no new friends or topics or projects (i just forbid them to myself), healthy food and a lot of time alone. being alone calms me down usually. and soothing things - tea, comedies, fluffy blankets (sounds stupid i know)... stuff like that. i hope you will be feeling better soon.

Wander · Mar 10, 2017, 08:30 AM

I agree with Theresa1991, you are under an extreme amount of stress and it is very possible it could trigger episodes or make them worse. Stress has triggered episodes for me in the past, and made them worse.

As for self care I try to do some mindfulness exercises, rhythmic breathing, eat well, exercise, do things I find fun or interesting like play guitar and sing or read up on topics I enjoy. Finding joy in things can be difficult at times but doing the activities still helps. Taking time out for yourself is important too, like walks on the beach. Also catching up with friends and family who get your illness can help. Try not to overdo it and go at a steady pace where possible. caring for someone can be very exhausting. You are an amazing person to be doing this. Be kind to yourself. Hope things calm down soon. Take care.

Victoria'smom · Mar 10, 2017, 10:21 AM

Can you look into intensive outpatient.

10:48 AM

I react to stress too. I concur with Theresa and Wander -- lots of good ideas there. I take hot baths to soothe my muscles that ache with being very active so suddenly after a Winter of being sedentary.

I also watch "Breaking Bad" which i've seen eight times all the way thru. It's comforting to watch a show where i know what happens. I watch it on Netflix and just let it spin hour upon hour while i relax and unwind from my early, busy mornings and early afternoons. I concentrate on things in the show which i might have missed previous times, like the colors and prints of their clothes.

I eat dinner by candlelight and try and be mindful and concentrate on the food and the sensations -- all five senses. It's quite pleasant. I go to bed early and get up uber-early. I enjoy walking my dog in the refreshing cold. I'm enjoying Spring cleaning and the hard work of giving everything a good scrubbing after a Winter of neglect.

I bought a duvet and sneak under it and bake in the warmth for 40 minutes or so in the afternoon. It's important to deprive all the senses when you're feeling overwhelmed. I snuggle my dog and bury my face in her fur.

I laugh liberally when chatting with people or watching TV. Laughter is a great stress reliever. I listen to music with my eyes closed to rest them. If it's still daylight i put a black eye-shade over my eyes to help them rejuvenate and re-oxygenate. They sting from sleep deprivation. I listen to Matthew Good's "Chaotic Neutral" and an alternative rock free online radio station on Jango.com and some classical romantic piano tunes.

I endured four years of crisis after crisis in my early thirties -- divorce, became unemployable due to bipolar, hypomania, poverty, homelessness, moving across the nation to a dangerous city where i lived downtown on the edge of a war zone, getting depressed, drinking and drugging, having careless sex with many partners, appealing my denial for private disability benefits thru a lawyer (i won!) -- so i'm no stranger to stressful situations.

But we can overcome! Be mindful, do things slowly and purposefully and you will triumph, GlamSlam!

Hugs,

Jane.

RainyDay107 · Mar 10, 2017, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Can you look into intensive outpatient.

I can't because I need to be home. I can't be gone for long. I had to get a special friend to fly in from another state to "cover" for me during IP. Plus, I want to care for them. I love them, vice-versa. Everyone else is gone. It's sad.

My pdoc is great, I'm feeling more hopeful now. He switched ALL my meds back, except for one change and he thinks it will work better. That probably sounds counter-intuitive but it's not. It took eight years to find the best combo. This is it. I'm still disabled and struggle...but this combo is best. We will reduce my benzo (gradually) from four to three times a day.....afterwards. I'm ok with that, a study came out about Benzos and memory issues. I've been taking them for ten years. I'll always need them, but will reduce.

I may relocate totally after this geographically ....with my partner. I'll always need meds, but I'm going to customize my life the way I want it. For the first time. It gives me hope for the future. It's bleak now, so I keep my plan in the back of my mind. My loved one doesn't know. He doesn't need any stress and I'm an adult. He'd just worry.

I do have a supportive partner. It's the three of us and my cats. lol

I am doubling up on therapy. I'd already bumped up to every week. Now I'll start going twice a week. My Medicare doesn't cover it, unfortunately...but ill cut back elsewhere. I'm going to start twice a week soon....sort of...two weeks. I'm not cognitively intact enough, I need my old meds to kick in. Just started back today. My pdoc is awesome. He wants to see me more, too.

I hope I regain my focus for reading. It disappeared with the IP med changes. Reading is my passion. And writing.

I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions-please keep posting. It means a lot and helps me.

One thing that is nice is that this person never judged me for my mental illness. The only one in my family. We are very close.

See? Rambling. Thank you, all.

Victoria'smom · Mar 10, 2017, 10:01 PM

I'm glad you were able to work out a program that will work for you. When do you see pdoc again?

RainyDay107 · Mar 10, 2017, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm glad you were able to work out a program that will work for you. When do you see pdoc again?

April 3rd. I feel bad because he'd planned to take the day off but is coming in to see me. He has no other room in his schedule. I can call him anytime. I leave a message on his voicemail and he's always called back on the same day. My T is very accessible. Texts, calls, emergency sessions.

After my meds kick in, I'm going to go to therapy twice a week now...I can't afford that financially for long (Medicare doesn't cover)...I'm already spending $100 once a week. I'm also paying full cost for my daughter's therapy. She has anxiety and panic attacks arose last year. =[

So self-pay....That makes it hard - you know how SSDI is...thank you for posting.

Victoria'smom · Mar 10, 2017, 10:37 PM

Your daughter can't get medical? There are good therapists and pdoc's at clinics. You just have to advocate for yourself.

RainyDay107 · Mar 11, 2017, 04:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Your daughter can't get medical? There are good therapists and pdoc's at clinics. You just have to advocate for yourself.

She has private insurance through her father. Why he selected someone who isn't covered? The pediatrician recommended the therapist. My daughter has bonded with this therapist so it's fine. Yesterday she told me she liked therapy, it helped her, and "there's still a lot to talk about." She's in a good place, but ty. (I'm divorced and co-parenting with him is challenging because he harbors negative feelings.)

Victoria'smom · Mar 11, 2017, 06:10 AM

I'm sorry you have to go through a private therapist. It's understandable though. I'm glad she likes her t. Hopefully they can make a good payment plan for you. My office private pay is $145 / month. I know that's a lot for me but maybe you can work a sliding scale / payment plan out. I thought they could petition insurance for more time. I know they can with Medicaid. I don't know about frequency but it's worth investigating.

Wild Coyote · Mar 11, 2017, 08:10 AM

Surely sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I am very challenged with multiple conditions and have become my elderly mother's primary caregiver. It was sudden and we don't yet know if she will recover to her prior level of functioning. She was always very active. It's quite a challenge.

I try to find balance in everything, which can, in and of itself, feel like another chore sometimes. I cannot forget my own needs, my husband's needs and friends, etc, I need to make sure I am having some fun and have an overall good balance all the way around.

I get very tired and stressed at times.

We can only do the best we can do.

WC

RainyDay107 · Mar 11, 2017, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Surely sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I am very challenged with multiple conditions and have become my elderly mother's primary caregiver. It was sudden and we don't yet know if she will recover to her prior level of functioning. She was always very active. It's quite a challenge.

I try to find balance in everything, which can, in and of itself, feel like another chore sometimes. I cannot forget my own needs, my husband's needs and friends, etc, I need to make sure I am having some fun and have an overall good balance all the way around.

I get very tired and stressed at times.

We can only do the best we can do.

WC

Thank you for replying. This sounds bizarre but I didn't even realize I had "needs" until my marriage failed. I was constantly trying to stay under my mom's radar...that was my sole goal, as I was abused. My needing anything never came up. My mother's narcissism kept the focus on her.

Then, of course, I unknowingly married a diagnosed narcissist (diagnosed during psych evals for the divorce). It was all about him during our marriage. I got so blind-sided by the emotional abuse, it was ingrained I didn't deserve the little I received. For example, he always had two luxury vehicles and I drove a beater Honda Civic. And I didn't blink an eye pulling in 70K a year and not feeling I was allowed or entitled to buy a car.

I digress. You've got a good handle on the concept of needs. I understand needs now and my relationship with my partner is healthy, as well as the person I am sole caretaker for. That said, it's my default to go to the ends of the earth for someone I care about....and this is a fast track situation. It's sad and it's ugly.

I can't go IP again. I doubled my therapy to twice a week. I really can't afford it but I need the support. I'm doing it for a short time, I think. My T wants to help get me stabilized.

I hear the words of self-care, you can only do so much, etc. I now understand I have needs and I have to take care of me and then I can take care of others.

I'm having trouble putting it into practice. I'm trying very hard. My T said my C-PTSD plays into it. She said I'm very symptomatic.

I'm not being a martyr. Im not thinking clearly yet, unfortunately. At least I'm not depressed. I don't have time for it. I really NEED to get through this and do my very best. He deserves no less. My pdoc is hounding me to call HOSPICE. He's not that far gone yet. Hospice is a week or so. He would hate it. He's only 64.

I have plans when I get through everything. Good plans with my partner. I think about it.

Wild Coyote · Mar 11, 2017, 04:23 PM

(((((( glamslam ))))))

WC

Unrigged64072835 · Mar 11, 2017, 06:53 PM

Where I'm at, hospice is six months or less.

Victoria'smom · Mar 11, 2017, 07:12 PM

glamslam- How are you doing today?

RainyDay107 · Mar 11, 2017, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Where I'm at, hospice is six months or less.

Thanks for the info. He's not incapacitated yet. I was hoping he would live another year, but the oncologist said maybe four months. He didn't want to upset me, my stepdad. He sleeps on the couch now. His bed isn't comfortable anymore. I wonder if he'll be dead one morning after I wake up. I found my bio dad and my stepdad and I discontinued her kidney dialysis...we killed her. If you have Diabetes, please take care of yourself.

I can't picture him in hospice yet. I feel like it's not my place to tell him we need Hospice now because ... well, I was raised to respect my elders. It becomes a role-reversal when a parent is terminally ill. My mom was terminally ill with brain damage...but my stepdad is lucid. He will remain lucid.

Today I attempted to clean out my mom's office. She died nine years ago. My stepdad's grief was so extreme that he only could donate her clothes. I'm in this big house ... with their things. And when my biological father died, I had to deal with his possessions, house, everything.

Radical Acceptance. Mindfulness. Therapy. Pdoc/meds. This forum. My partner. My cats. My daughter. Gratitude. The future plans. How I must learn to cope.

I'm scared about knowing it's going to get much worse. And four months seems so fast. He was diagnosed Stage IV, metastasized to his liver last November. Last Cat Scan shows it has spread to his spleen.

This is a huge loss. I am grateful he stuck around the longest...my best parent.

I NEVER expected my parents to die so young. 55.

If something happened to my daughter or my partner...just...please no.

I'm going to get through this and I will be by his side. I can do this.

I'm not religious, I'm agnostic. Sometimes I wished I believed. To draw strength, have faith. I'm a lapsed Presbyterian and firmly agnostic (not atheist). Strangely, I find myself frantically pleading to "God" every once in awhile...during a hard time. Then I feel guilty for,just praying when desperate.

Thanks for listening. I think I will keep this thread going. If anyone wants to read and reply, that's awesome. But it's long, it's bleak, we know the ending as to my stepdad.

I'm not depressed. I am concerned about coming out of this ... ok.