Not sure what my problem is....

About two years ago, I was in a depression (following a mania) that lasted almost two years. I was in bed or on the couch for most of that time.

I got better (in my opinion, thanks to time and meds) and I have clawed my way back. I see friends, shop on occasion, go to the dentist, run some errands, go to a support group, and do stuff around the house.

On the negative side, I am scared to ride or drive in a car, have bad anxiety about my health and my kids, and have a weight problem. I am on disability and that makes me feel a bit on the worthless side as i am 57 and my friends still work.

I see a psychiatrist and two therapists to help me.

I am unhappy because I feel I will never be a regular person again. I feel sort of marginalized. I am up to about 60% of what I was and I don't seem to be improving. I wonder if this is as good as it gets.

I know a lot of people have a lot of different problems and I should appreciate what I have. At least I am out of that terrible depression where I literally couldn't move. But is it wrong to want more?

Any opinions? I hope I expressed this clearly and someone can identify. Thanks.

I am in a similar place. I hate driving at night. I just went to the dentist yesterday. (Two cavities) some days are better than others.

I too have difficulty coming to grips with the fact that I will never have the life I once had. I grieve that life most everyday. People say I should be happy with what I have but I want to kick them in the shins. How dare they say that? I'd like them to live for a week the way I live and dare the to say the same thing.

I have a very good relationship. Everyone says how happy I should then be. What?! They're kidding me, right? A wonderful relationship isn't everything though. There is still a hell of a lot missing that prevents any sense of feeling complete.

Hmm... I'll try to address everything you said

1) what caused the anxiety about cars
2) what caused the health related anxieties?

You don't have to answer 1 or 2 if you're not comfortable. Just trying to help you rationalize your anxieties. But I hope you're able to broach those topics in therapy with one of your two therapists, or even both really. You deserve to be happy!

3) disability

Please don't feel guilty about that! Everyone is different and everyone has their own capabilities, so we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. And besides, eventually everyone gets to the point they can't work anymore. Some of us stop at 30, for example, while some of us work to as much as 70 or 80. But we all "retire" all of us at some point. It's just a matter of when we retire.

Also, just because someone is working, it doesn't mean they're able to function well. No one is perfect, and we all lose functionality as life goes on. What you see on the outside is not always the same on the inside. Looks can be deceiving.

4) marginalization

Life DOES get better if you make the most of it! Just because you might not function as well as others and your functionality might "decrease", it doesn't mean you can't pick up new hobbies like pairing of writing. It's a matter of what you choose to do and how you do it

I don't think it's bad to feel wrong. We're all human and our desires change as we change. Sometimes what you think will make you happy, doesn't really make you happy once you get it. There is no such thing as a regular person, there is only you. And you beat your depression! So now it's a matter of finding your normal and that will take time. Since you are no longer able to work, is there anything that you want to do? Outside and/or including hobbies? Maybe having something regular to do, like volunteering, could help. Take care of yourself!

I don't think it's wrong to want more. I do. I LOVED working. I was willing to sacrifice nearly anything to do it and I made myself sicker by pushing so hard. I was successful in a challenging field and could hide my bipolar from most people. And then things got a lot worse and I had to stop working. In the last few months I've had to come to terms with the fact that in a few more weeks I'll be retiring my license to practice because I haven't worked in so long I'd need to re-take my boards to practice and there is no way I could pass the pediatric parts as I haven't treated a child since grad school. (Along with other issues. Including that I don't have the clinical skills I would need to). But giving up that license feels like giving up my right hand; it's a huge part of who and what I am.

I am so glad disability is here and don't take it for granted. But honestly I'd give nearly anything to go back to working and living in my own house that I owned (I live on my mom's property now so she can help me) and just so many things.

It's so hard to have so much taken away by an illness. I totally understand what you are describing. I think it's ok to feel that way and accept it is sometimes hard without trying to "solve" (because it is not something with a real solution) anything.

I'm with Rainbow. It IS hard to go on when illness has ruined virtually everything in your life. I still miss my old life in the big house on 3 acres, with a good job, enough money, and a bright future with my husband. I miss it and grieve for it every day. But I have family that loves me, I get plenty of emotional support, and I have my disability income. I just have to accept that this is my lot in life and be content with it. For now.

What I really regret is that I used to think bipolar could be controlled by trying hard. I was diagnosed by an internationally known pdoc specializing in bipolar. He told me that he was surprised I'd managed to keep a job (I was about 2 years into my career) and that I had a severe case of bipolar that with the meds available at that time could be calmed but that I wouldn't have a cure. He was less blunt than that, barely, but I've known since the day I was definitively diagnosed that I had a lot to fight.

The thing is that I used to think fighting was all it took. Sure I was working on 3 hours of sleep and had a hard time doing parts of my job (paperwork, I was always buried) but the parts I deemed most important (how the patients responded to me, that my patients improved) I was good at. I was good at paperwork too but very black and white so it took me a lot of extra time to feel it was done properly. I had to go out on disability a number of times and vocational rehab told me I should go on disability years before I actually did. My pdoc and therapist never said I'd have to quit eventually but I knew I wasn't likely to have a 30 year career. However I thought I could make it work for a long time.

What I regret is the arrogance I felt then. My pdoc told me I was the highest functioning patient for the severity of the illness that she had ever treated. I thought that meant I was always going to find a way to keep doing what I wanted to do. When I first was on PC under a name I had completely forgotten using until a search for an unusual med popped up my own posts, I didn't even come to this forum or if I did I didn't post. I was handling things well and I guess I thought I didn't really belong.

Looking back now I was really in my last few years working. When things fell apart it happened rapidly. And anything I would have contributed then would have been more like "try to do things the way I have; see what a success I've been". I hope it would have been more kind in my wording but it was what I secretly would have felt.

Now I know that I should have appreciated the years I could work more. I should have seen them as the gift they were and not something I was entitled to. I should not have taken being able to live without support for granted. I'm 41 and need my mom's help and will probably always need some help. I have goals but they are hard to meet because I never know how I'll feel one day to the next. There are things I'd like to do but I can't commit and I worry that will always be true. I don't really have a vision of my future.

But what I've learned is that nobody ever really has an honest view of the future. Anyone of us can wind up in so many different situations. And I am sorry to anyone who I would have been judging back in my days of doing that; I guess the joke is on me because I judged myself too harshly and a lot of bad things came into my life because of that. Now it's ok again and I hope I never lose sight of "doing the best I can do, whatever that means".

I carefully read everything that everyone wrote. I appreciate it more than you can know. It just helps to know there are others in a similar boat.
You all were so kind to take the time to respond. I feel for all of you struggling.
Being content with what I have is really important. I will try to focus on that.