[Wander]

TRIGGER!!!!!

Today I totally lost it at nurse. I was supposedly on close observations and managed to run away from the unit. About 20mins later I returned as I couldn't kill myself the day before my 11 year old nephew's Bday. Upon returning the nurse was very blasé about it all and said, 'you have felt like this since you got here', like it was no big deal. Annoying thing is that I have been manic half the time anyway.

I snapped and almost ran out of there and ended it all. This nurse said I didn't need to be on close observations, then said I needed to be locked up. The trigger for me to run away was the fact that none of the nurses realised I was on close observations so I felt so unsafe and uncared for. I mean if they think I am a danger to myself shouldn't they be watching me. Instead I was easily able to run. It just pissed me off. So I am very impulsive too. Bad combination.

Starting fluoxetine seems to have turned me into a bit of a drama queen, irritable and out of control. I was yelling at the nurse. Thankfully my pdoc came in and helped calm me down. He is reducing the fluoxetine, stopping the Valproate and increasing Clonazepam which I am happy with. Hopefully this is just a bad reaction to the AD. I have been wild, irritable and bordering on out of control all day. I am scared I will act I have so little control over my actions right now. I still have plans and plots and want to run. I am so, so close to being in a locked ward. One more freak-out and off i will be sent.

Wander-Try to hang on. Maybe post your plots instead on enacting them? For some of us, our worst episodes pass if we can just survive the ride. You may also want to run because everyone wants to be free--this is why involuntary IP sometimes does more harm than good. Plot ways to seem "normal" to the staff.

I am sorry you are feeling out of control. You posts are usually so kind, gentle, sweet, loving--that kind of thing. With time, that side of you will be back. We all want you to feel better.

I hope some nurses come on shift that make you feel more secure. Two years ago when I had pneumonia in the hospital (could not sleep because of difficulty breathing, the oxygen monitor would make a loud sound everytime I starting drifting), the night shift nurse (they would not leave me in my room alone) would frequently fall asleep. Yes, some nurses are not very conscientious (but others are great). When I was in the hospital, many times, the better quality nurses seemed to be on day shift. Daytime is here so I hope you have a better nurse now. Nurses matter so much when we are sick.

[Leia78]

Would it be better if you were moved to the other ward? Maybe the nurses would pay closer attention to your needs and symptoms? Would they be in contact more with your doctor on the other ward? Maybe because the ward you are in now is not considered so serious, the nurses aren't taking you seriously. Do you think this could be so?

I've always been on a locked ward (it was all my hospital had). It wasn't that big a deal. It just meant I couldn't leave the floor except on supervised "fresh air" breaks (which I rarely bothered with). Perhaps you should speak to your doctor about being moved.

[RainyDay107]

Thinking of you.

[jacky8807]

Hi wander. So I have only been in locked wards too. It may be better for you to be in the locked ward. The thing about the hospital is (for me) you are taken away from real life and just deal with whatever episode is going on. I don't even like visitors inpatient.
Hope you get it sorted soon!

[franz kafka]

I get better faster when I'm on a more acute ward and I have nurses keeping an eye on me. There's something about just feeling safe that reduces my SI. Can you be on one-to-one supervision at this hospital?

[Nammu]

Taking ADs making me worse and very irrational hope things improve now that you're off it.

[Wander]

Thanks for your input everyone. I have never been on a locked wards and the ones here are publicly funded and terrifying. People get assaulted regularly on these wards so i do all I can to avoid them but if i don't calm down I will be getting sent there.

At the moment the closest observations are every 30 minutes. So,yeh, not very safe. On a locked ward I could have much observations all the way up to one of one where they literally watch you pee (sorry tmi, I know). I guess I will find out if I don't calm down in the next few days.

My doc said he's not threatening me with it but cannot keep me safe her if i stay so impulsive, irritable and serious SI. I which case I would be transferred. Maybe the other hospital is to so bad. Basically, he is trying to keep me alive. Will see how today goes (it is 4.40am her and see my doctor tonight.

Problem is that my doc is going on leave for a week over easter so I will be stuck with the on on-call doctor. So a locked ward will be decided in by a doctor I do not know or trust, but my pdoc did tele the on-call doc was trustworthy and and great doctor.

Right now I feel wild and impulsive but somewhat happy for some reason. Hey, at least I am happy.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Wander

At the moment the closest observations are every 30 minutes. So,yeh, not very safe. On a locked ward I could have much observations all the way up to one of one where they literally watch you pee (sorry tmi, I know). I guess I will find out if I don't calm down in the next few days.

Possible trigger:

Trigger warning and TMI warning: When I tried to commit suicide last Fall by ODing on pills, I was in the main hospital for a while before psych while they stabilized me. I had to use a "commode" in the middle of the room, in front of the nurse that was in charge of me, and there every second of every day. (They did change shifts.) And yes, if I had to poop, I had to use the commode in the middle of the room, and the nurse had to clean up after me.

[Wander]

Better day today. I woke up bright as a button at 4am and still don't don't feel tired, but not hypomanic either. Think it is the fluoxetine. Reduced dose this morning so should be ok. No longer wild and out of control. Much calmer with no thoughts of harming myself. Only problem is stopping Ritalin. My brain just doesn't work and I have a lot of study to do. Coffee just doesn't cut it. Hopefully my brain will adjust to no Ritalin soon and I can get back into study.

Today was my nephew's 11th Bday and all my family came up to hospital to celebrate with me as I have no leave. I am hoping to get leave tonight when i see my pdoc. Still surprised at how quickly I went from wild to stable. Oh well, i will take it. Certainly beats the hell I was going through.

I am glad you are doing better. Last time I was IP, my room was right next to the emergency exit and that door mocked me every time I looked at it. I wanted out of there and thought I might be able to make a run for it but knew it would prolong my stay. A very manic guy was stalking me and I felt sure he was planning some type of attack so it was so hard to fight the urge to run. I'm sorry you felt You didn't feel cared for, that must have hurt. I really hope things are on a stabilizing trend for you. Happy birthday to your nephew....watch out for the teen years!!!

[Wander]

Thanks. Feeling great. We are all watching for hi teen years, especially as he is autistic. He is the most amazing intelligent boy who has the capacity to change the world of electronics or whatever he puts his mind to. But he lacks social skills which is sad to watch. Hopefully he will find his niche.

I totally get the urge to run when you see doors. I am so glad I came back and that my pdoc understood my frustration and didn't section me (involuntary). Now I am waiting to see him tonight, it is already 7pm and he is going on 9 days holidays tomorrow. I want to be discharged by then. I want to go to my T tomorrow. So many Q's. So much impatience.

[Wild Coyote]

You sound much more comfortable with the stability.
Good news!

(((((( Wander ))))))


WC

[Wander]

thanks WC!!! I am feeling awesome, very comfy where Ia am at. Life is awesome.

[bizi]

I would not be surprised if they did keep you longer...you were so SI just yesterday and wild as you put it.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Wander]

Originally Posted by bizi

I would not be surprised if they did keep you longer...you were so SI just yesterday and wild as you put it.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

You are probably right. I still have yet to see my pdoc but am hoping they can cal him to get leave to see my T today. It is 6.30am and I feel great again. Aiming for discharge on Monday or Tuesday after working Sunday. Think that is reasonable.

[magad687]

How does the ability help you?

[Wander]

Originally Posted by magad687

How does the ability help you?

The Abilify seems to get rid of the psychotic elements of my illness, like hallucinations and delusions. Hopefully I can come off it soon now that i am stabilising.

[bizi]

please forgive me wander but you think that you are just going to be able to take lithium alone with klonipin as needed?
you said that you wanted to get off the seroquel and now the abilify.
Is that what you are thinking????

I take 80mg of geodon twice a day to prevent me from going manic.
Not because I am manic. I have zyprexa if I am starting to go manic.
bizi

[Wander]

Originally Posted by bizi

please forgive me wander but you think that you are just going to be able to take lithium alone with klonipin as needed?
you said that you wanted to get off the seroquel and now the abilify.
Is that what you are thinking????

I take 80mg of geodon twice a day to prevent me from going manic.
Not because I am manic. I have zyprexa if I am starting to go manic.
bizi

Pretty much, well that and Prozac, if I stay on it. Idk...I guess I hate being on so many meds. I will try to follow the directions of my pdoc though.

[Wander]

Feeling out of control again. Just want to run and...

Told my T today and he is telling my pdoc. Hopefully I will see my pdoc soon. I need help staying safe. Maybe a locked ward is best...but I am so scared. I am just hoping to hang in there here in the voluntary ward and keep myself safe.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are feeling so unsettled.
Glad you've told you T and your pdoc will also know.

Yes, please do stay safe, at all costs.

You and your newest pdoc are getting things figured out. Takes time, unfortunately.

Sending Love and healing your way.


WC

[5150DirtDiva]

Wander, I hope you find some relief <3

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope you get some help even though your pdoc is on vacation. It must be hard to keep going on like that.