[MyPOV]

Ya know,

I think the worst thing I find about being this way -- is the inability to tell where I am -- particularly when depressed.

Even when on the up-swing, I sometimes don't recognize it for what it is.

When depressed, I often think it's just cuz I am tired, not sleeping right, or somehow just 'fatigued' -- and don't connect that with being depressed.

Right now I:
1) I can't 'think' -- like at all. I can read and that's cool but trying to recall stuff at work, make decisions, etc is super hard...if not impossible.

2) I feel completely exhausted. I feel like my eyes are always droopy.

3) I feel bored -- which could be confused for lack of interesting in things -- I watch YouTube political clips, start a game and quit right away, start movies and get bored with them. The only that keeps my attention is reading. I can't decide between podcasts, music, audiobook for my commute...none seem interesting or keep my attention.

4) I put off things around the house that I NEED to get done...and I only do the bare minimum cleaning -- though I do cook good meals for my wife and myself...primarily for her, as I would just eat burritos, pizza, etc, cuz it's easier.

So all this, which sounds like depression, but I don't really see it.

What do you think? Depression?

What's the worst thing you encounter?

It sounds like depression to me but take that with a grain of salt. The worst thing about depression for me is the pain of living.

[Ripose]

Are you on any meds since they can cause a profound lack of incentive is sometimes confused with boredom.

The worst things for me are a profound lack of incentive, no sense of humour, and a deep never ending fatigue. I guess I could just be chronically depressed but I can't even tell anymore since its being going on so long.

[xRavenx]

That is how I get with depression, usually when it is at a moderate degree. I was feeling that way for a few months in a row Fall-Winter. Sometimes meds make me a little "flat" and unmotivated though, so my pdoc, Therapist, and me had to work on distinguishing what was depression, separately from what was causing some side effects. When depression is more severe in me, I will cry about everything, withdraw from people and things, I start feeling that there's no point anymore, and it's like a dark tunnel where I cannot see the light. That's the worst.

I agree with the above though, you might want to double check if any med adjustments are needed. In my case, when I was feeling that way, some tweaking helped me go back to being more animated, more like myself. I didn't feel as lifeless anymore, even with some signs of depression.

[MyPOV]

Originally Posted by Ripose

Are you on any meds since they can cause a profound lack of incentive is sometimes confused with boredom.

The worst things for me are a profound lack of incentive, no sense of humour, and a deep never ending fatigue. I guess I could just be chronically depressed but I can't even tell anymore since its being going on so long.

Yes -- three weeks/a month ago, I was pumping right along and then I took a couple days off work (where I stayed up really late, etc) and then WHAM I am just wiped ALL THE TIME and just kinda BLAH about everything.

[MyPOV]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

That is how I get with depression, usually when it is at a moderate degree. I was feeling that way for a few months in a row Fall-Winter. Sometimes meds make me a little "flat" and unmotivated though, so my pdoc, Therapist, and me had to work on distinguishing what was depression, separately from what was causing some side effects. When depression is more severe in me, I will cry about everything, withdraw from people and things, I start feeling that there's no point anymore, and it's like a dark tunnel where I cannot see the light. That's the worst.

I agree with the above though, you might want to double check if any med adjustments are needed. In my case, when I was feeling that way, some tweaking helped me go back to being more animated, more like myself. I didn't feel as lifeless anymore, even with some signs of depression.

The thing is, it fluctuates -- but maybe my goofy hyper out-bursts are just a means to try to break through how I am normally feeling.

Originally Posted by MyPOV

The thing is, it fluctuates -- but maybe my goofy hyper out-bursts are just a means to try to break through how I am normally feeling.

I wonder the same about myself. (((Hugs)))

[Rhea17]

I understand how you feel as I am seeing my loved one go through the same. Depression feels worse. But there's always little things you can do to make yourself feel better-
1) Walk in nature
2) Exercise or Run
3) Listen to healing music
4) Drink tea and healthful food
5) Spend time with your loved ones and thank them for being there.
6) Pray daily
7) Read empowering book
May you come out of depression soon. May you feel so much better and healthful. Sending you so much love and light

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by MyPOV

Ya know,

I think the worst thing I find about being this way -- is the inability to tell where I am -- particularly when depressed.

Even when on the up-swing, I sometimes don't recognize it for what it is.

When depressed, I often think it's just cuz I am tired, not sleeping right, or somehow just 'fatigued' -- and don't connect that with being depressed.

Right now I:
1) I can't 'think' -- like at all. I can read and that's cool but trying to recall stuff at work, make decisions, etc is super hard...if not impossible.

2) I feel completely exhausted. I feel like my eyes are always droopy.

3) I feel bored -- which could be confused for lack of interesting in things -- I watch YouTube political clips, start a game and quit right away, start movies and get bored with them. The only that keeps my attention is reading. I can't decide between podcasts, music, audiobook for my commute...none seem interesting or keep my attention.

4) I put off things around the house that I NEED to get done...and I only do the bare minimum cleaning -- though I do cook good meals for my wife and myself...primarily for her, as I would just eat burritos, pizza, etc, cuz it's easier.

So all this, which sounds like depression, but I don't really see it.

What do you think? Depression?

What's the worst thing you encounter?

----yes, sounds like depression. SAD from less light in winter can be difficult.

The worst thing is suffering so badly and then being judged for being sick and an abusive victim. We live in a victim blaming society that hates what they perceive as weakness.

[LiteraryLark]

For the first few years I've had to be bluntly and 110% honest and open about all my thoughts and feelings with both doctors and family, now I can't keep my mouth shut and it bugs my family now (even though I used to never speak around them)

The worst part of my illness are the flashbacks and the imagining of what the next hospitalization might look like. Mostly happens either when I'm manic or near my hospitalization date (Jan 9th). I'm currently manic and I have spent a lot of time the past week imagining being 5150 again.

Distortion of the truth, suicidal and homicidal intentions, and destruction of families to name a few…

[miaw2222]

I'm experiencing something similar. It's challenging to recognize it. I told my husband the other day "I'm just so tired" (I recently experienced a more serious BP episode than I've had in a few years), he told me "honey, anytime anyone has asked you how you are, for awhile now you have responded with you are either 'tired' or 'exhausted'." I kept going until I hit a wall and did not feel like I could go anymore. It seems like it's easier to see a pattern or behaviors once it's past, or someone points it out to me. When I'm in it, forget it unless it's debilitating (which it definitely has been at times).

[Wander]

So many things. Losing career opportunities, opportunity to have children (this is for me only, not expecting others to go the same road - I just tried and tried with my ex-husband and could get pregnant . Then I git physically ill and then Bipolar got out of control...now I am 40 I just don't have the energy to have children and my frequent hospitalisations are not what I want to put my child through) relationships, opportunities to got to places or enjoy them when depressed or mixed, and losing my mind when psychotic. To name a few.

So much loss, so much grief, yet sometimes there is a multitude of joy and excitement. Basically BP takes and takes then gives you a glimpse of joy and hope, only to take it back again.

the extremes, and the choices you can make in those extreme states that can mess up your life. (something i'm good at, I guess)

I also can't stand irritibillity. it's such a horrible feeling

The worse thing about being Bipolar?

My inability to hold down a job. I've never lost one but I suffer from such bad anxiety and self-worth that I quit. I've had 42 jobs in the space of 35 years. Yes, the problem is that bad.

[Rjaye]

Rhea, those are good suggestions.

I also keep a log of how I feel. I know what things happen now when I'm on a downswing or an upswing. Then I take steps to head them off. Sometimes it's what Rhea suggested-getting out of the house and being in nature, exercising outside, a massage...something that is self care. I also stay to a schedule to make sure things get done so when I feel better I am not digging out of a hole finance wise or housework wise or class wise. I might not get everything done during my schedule/plan, but I plod along and it gives me something to focus on.

When I can't get out of bed, I do my PT exercises and force myself into the shower. I keep my books near my bed and read as much as I can even if it's only a few pages.

I am pretty stable on meds, but meds don't cure everything for me. I still have some ups or downs-they just are mild now. But I don't want them getting worse. It took time to develop a plan I can stick with. It's tough.

I also go see a movie if I can focus. I can get out of the house and still be a slug when I'm down.

The worst thing is it's not curable and I personally feel it's barely manageable for most of us. I think success stories are rare and effectiveness of meds is over inflated.

[Unrigged64072835]

The worst thing is trying not to constantly determine whether a mood is normal or bipolar or something else. That and being in the black hole of depression sucks.

[rwwff]

I think I mentioned this once somewhere around here, but the worst was as I calmed down and kinda fessed up to what was going on... The same people I love, told me that I had on more than one occasion, made them feel unsafe to be around me.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

The worst thing is it's not curable and I personally feel it's barely manageable for most of us. I think success stories are rare and effectiveness of meds is over inflated.

I totally agree with you. Look at most people here having major episodes while on meds, and the episodes often continue despite med changes. I want off meds but both my T and pdoc say no. At the moment I have a new pdoc so I am giving him a chance to stabilise me but have little hope. I do have stable periods and if i find one long enough most of the meds are going to the pharmacy. However, last time I went off meds I was fine for a couple of months and was then hit by a series of increasingly severe mixed episodes so I went back on them.

To add to the conversation another horrible thing about bipolar is the inability to know when the episode will hit. For example; I want to go to the Blue Mountains, near Sydney, for a holiday in July but am scared to commit as I could be really sick at the time.

[BipolaRNurse]

For me, the worst part was losing my career, my home, and my social status to BP. Looking back, and knowing what I know now, I realize it wasn't my fault---I never asked for this illness!---but it got so bad for a while there that I had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation/intent. I still miss my home and my nursing career, but being on disability has helped me a lot and I'm well most of the time now. Very little stress in my life now except for grieving my husband's death, and even that is less intense now, though I still miss him terribly. At least I have a warm room to call my own and the support from family as I need it. Things could be a lot worse.

[MyPOV]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

The worst thing is suffering so badly and then being judged for being sick and an abusive victim. We live in a victim blaming society that hates what they perceive as weakness.

It's also hard to a male in society that says men need to be strong, stuff thier feelings, barrel through it...

I grew up in a family that didn't validate psychological issues, except to medicate it. Even then they questioned it, but were happy meds made a difference -- ritalin for ADD (which now looks like a mis-diagnosis).

So I have an ingrained sense that I need to strong and productive and being stuck my lazy boy and not even really knowing what to watch or what to play is a fault.

I also hate that I never get anything done...the house becomes a sty and then once its all piled up it feels like an impossible task to fix it....

[MyPOV]

I think another thing for me is starting projects with great force only to wander away from a few weeks or month later.

If I could only follow through on some of my projects it would WONDERFUL!!!!!

I loved being manic but I made some really stupid decisions. I made some great ones I am thrilled I did so but there are others the consequences of which I live with today - like spending $100,000 in ten months.