Going IP

As it seems i am going IP for depression and trauma issues. Falling in love and not getting just the emotional response i wished for seems to have triggered all my childhood memories of neglection and lonelyness and sent me into a heavy depression. I tried to deal with it my way and drank and drugged myself through the weekend. I feel so ashamed of being such a failure, both because of my incapacity of dealing with feelings and my way to not deal with them by escaping into drugs and alcohol. So now i am in hospital waiting to talk to a psych doc to send me IP. Cannot stay at home alone this way.

Sorry to hear you're not doing so well, but I'm so glad you recognize that you need IP. You're doing what's right for you.

Best wishes. I hope you feel better soon!

Sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope. iP really helps you to get back on track. Can you post while IP? Take care and let us know how you are going when you can.

((((theresa)))) hope you feel better soon

You have great insight in knowing what's best for yourself and getting yourself to the hospital. I hope your admission occurs quickly and with great ease.

WC

I'm glad you realized you needed help and are seeking it. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you....

Thx for all the answers. I am at a so called crisis station and can use my phone while IP. Don't really get whats going on, falling in love triggered me so hard, i am crying my eyes out even though the guy seems to like me back in his own manner, i feel so rejected and lonely and that nothing makes sense. I want to dissolve, cease to exist (no worries i am not suicidal just very depressed). Nothing is fun anymore, life seems so useless to me and i wish i had never been born. I feel like a failure, i disgust myself and i dont ever want to feel again, ever.

Good for you it takes strength realizing you need help,

IP isnt the greatest place to be , but its there when its needed.

I hope you have a good IP and come out the other side feeling much better

(((Theresa)))
Sorry things have gotten so tough on you. I'm glad you are getting the help you need. I hope your stay isn't long and you feel much better soon.

I'm so sorry things are so tough for you right now. Stay safe and I hope you get just what you need while IP. ((Hugs))

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. It's tough when relationships trigger all kinds of nasty stuff.

Hope you'll stabilize during your time there. Be safe and be well.

While yesterday i basically wanted to take a fast step out of the train of life i am feeling better today. The other patients are amazing and it is good to talk to them. Now i have escaped to my room because it is easy to think you are doing fine when never alone. I isolate every now and then to check if the pain is still there and i am glad to find it is. That means my doors are still open and i can work with it, dive down into the ugly memories and fish them out of the mud one after the other to feel through them and hopefully to some content let go in the end. I will be going home on sunday and hope to meet up with that guy to say what i have to say to no longer stay in my passive position of a lonely child begging for love. If he really likes me it will be okay and if not i will move on.

Happy to hear from you.

It's great you are feeling better and are ready to do some work.
May you reach a place of healing and of Peace.

WC

I thought the depression was lifting already, today it was worse again. I cannot think of anything that i would like to do except for sleeping. Sunday i have to go back home and that is alright as i dont care much. I just keep thinking that it will never get better because in my case there are so many trauma issues beyond the depression that my pain seems like a hole without a bottom. I am so tired of all this. Even though i know i would never commit suicide i sometimes just wish i could fall asleep and never wake up anymore. Sorry for the negative vibes, but that is what i feel at the Moment.

Trauma issues aren't a death sentence. I had trauma issues and I ended up working through the the most important thing I learned is you have to let yourself feel the feeling you have to face what happened to you in the past and let yourself feel all those feelings without judgement. I used journal writing to get me through. I also had a very supportive bf/husband to help me but I was lucky in that regard. You can do it without a significant other. You need to get into therapy and be willing to tackle the good bad and ugly of your childhood trauma. You can and WILL "get over it" as much as one can. I promise you it's possible.

That is what i tell the therapists here - that i want to work through it and feel it again as the adult i now am. I feel that it is the right thing to do but they tell me to get out of my head and stop Reading through my diaries. As they are a crisis center i think they might feel they cannot give me what i need here. They want me to think about a longtime stay on another station and i am willing, i only need to do my exams first as i cannot postpone them. I have to be high functioning and face my law exams first because i will hate myself if these issues keep me from getting my career straight.

Unfortunately i am very alone where i live, without longterm friends, family or partner. I tend to bury my bad experieces deep within and lock the door but the suckers keep creeping out on different ways - and convert into a lingering depression, psychosomatic symptoms, nightmares and so on. Gotta get to it, no matter what.

Hoping you feel better soon, Theresa