[cml78]

I truly dont know how to cope with everything. How does anyone do it? I mean the "voices" in your head daily telling you your worthless, no one loves you, that you'd be better off dead and away from everyone you love.. I could keep going with what goes on in my head on a daily. But truth is, I am holding on by a thread. Had another mania episode this morning. Which resulted like it always does...my sobbing uncontrollably. Feeling worst than when I was mad. I keep asking myself day after day after day..WHY ME? Why did I get this rotten deal in life. Why couldn't someone else have all my suffering. Someone who is truly evil. But why me? Why do I suffer with this mental anguish. Why do I have to suffer with all the other physical ailments I have? Constant back back, migraines,sleep apnea, sinus issues which result in constant pain in that area of my face. I mean really, WTF!!!!! WHY ME!! And to get anyone to truly understand is like smacking my head against the god damn wall. My family's only retort to me saying I am tired is, "your always tired"! I mean come on!!! Add to this the problems I have in my marriage, I am living in a complete HELL. My kids hate me, literally! My LO is terrified of me and wants nothing to do with me half the time. All because of my bipolar. I don't want sympathy from anyone. Just a little compassion. I dont know how to help my family understand what I am going through. I dont know how to get them to understand anything about what it means to be bipolar. This has to be THE WORST thing to suffer with. IMO anything else is tolerable. But this, this is to much. I cant deal with it anymore. I have more bad days then good days. And it seems like all I do is complain.. IDK what to do anymore. I just want to not be here anymore. Seems like it would be so much easier.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by cml78

I keep asking myself day after day after day..WHY ME? Why did I get this rotten deal in life. Why couldn't someone else have all my suffering. Someone who is truly evil. But why me?

Rain falls on the just as well as the unjust, so I stay away from that kind of "Santa Claus Theology" where people think the things they have no control over might yet somehow be their own fault or some kind of punishment for their not being perfect. I sometimes have difficulty accepting the fact few people truly understand my struggles even though some do try, so I place my focus upon trying to be helpful to other people where I do understand theirs.

[Guiness187055]

I gave up trying to get others to understand. The only people that understand this illness are the people that are going through it. I truly feel your pain.

[bioChE]

I don't try to make others understand. Most of them won't. I just try to do the best I can to appear and act "normal," and take whatever comes.

[Wild Coyote]

You are dealing with a difficult illness.
Do you live with BP I or II?

Why is anyone terrified of you?

The way you describe your illness makes it appear your illness is very unstable. Do you work with a pdoc and/or a tdoc?
It may be possible to have a more stable life through working with hem, learning some coping skills, etc.

Have you been IP or done IOP?

I suggest NAMI for your family. They offer family educational groups and support. You may find a NAMI patient group helpful.

I hope others will be along to comment. Lots of members with insights here.

I am very sorry you are suffering. It's definitely challenging. I do think there's hope for you.


WC

[cml78]

wild coyote, I have BP II. I am unstable at the moment. But its everything culminating at once right now. There are days when I can manage my pain but today is NOT that day. From what it sounds like from those that commented so far, is that I will probably suffer in silence and alone. And if that's what its gonna be than I would much rather be alone. Why should I be married to someone who refuses to understand what I am going through and try to be more compassionate towards me. I'm better off alone no? My little one is afraid of me because of my constant mood swings. And with him being so hyper active and uncontrollable, its very stressful for me. And I lash out. I am working with a psychiatrist. I have had my two appointments with the office, but I have not officially sat down with the dr yet. I am still waiting. Their appointments are far between each other. I am trying so hard but its just so difficult. All I want to do is cry sometimes. I feel so alone.

[Blaire]

I am so sorry you're going through this. Bipolar can be hell, and it makes no sense why it happens to some people and not others. It isn't fair, and sometimes the very mention of acceptance is insulting. They don't get it. But we do.

Please have compassion for yourself. There is hope. I don't know what your insurance situation is like, but if you need help before you can get an appointment with a psychiatrist, there is always the ER. If you're in too much pain to handle, then you deserve emergency treatment.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I have bipolar II as well and more days than not it's pure ****. I'm fortunate that I have one person in my life who really gets it in my family and I am still in contact with those I was IP with. They get it. Having someone truly not get it is frustrating and disheartening. You can always come to PC to vent, or for encouragement, advice or support. Do you have a tdoc you can see to help you process some of this? Could you try to get in with your pdoc a little bit earlier, maybe on an emergency basis? We're here to support you. Best wishes.

[Alisher]

Hi
I am bipolar and currently leave alone. Just accept you disease and try to cope with it. By the time your relatives will understand you condition.
Never give up. Hugs

[dermald]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

I gave up trying to get others to understand. The only people that understand this illness are the people that are going through it. I truly feel your pain.

That's the triple truth, Ruth!

[hopeless2015]

Sending hugs, you'll find lots of support and understanding here. Welcome to pc

[cml78]

I have already been in to the psychiatrist office twice. Both times were to be seen by someone other than the dr. My next appointment isnt till July 13. So I am kinda stuck till then to speak with someone. I do not have a psychotherapist. Although I should. The last lady I saw, didn't seem to be the right fit for me. And I didnt want to continue seeing someone I wasnt comfortable with. With regards to the pain, the only thing that will help alleviate it is surgery. And I do have insurance but the cost out of pocket is still more than I have at the moment. So I am kinda suffering in sorts of way.

[cml78]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Rain falls on the just as well as the unjust, so I stay away from that kind of "Santa Claus Theology" where people think the things they have no control over might yet somehow be their own fault or some kind of punishment for their not being perfect. I sometimes have difficulty accepting the fact few people truly understand my struggles even though some do try, so I place my focus upon trying to be helpful to other people where I do understand theirs.

**I agree. Since it seems that I suffer from more than just one thing. When someone says they are going through something it seems as though I can relate a lot better since I am going through all that I am. It just really sucks though that I have to have all these things wrong with me. It would be nice if it was only 1 thing, but the bipolar mixed with constant pain in my back and neck and then the migraines!! Its just too much some days.

[x_blessed]

Originally Posted by cml78

I truly dont know how to cope with everything. How does anyone do it? I mean the "voices" in your head daily telling you your worthless, no one loves you, that you'd be better off dead and away from everyone you love.. I could keep going with what goes on in my head on a daily. But truth is, I am holding on by a thread. Had another mania episode this morning. Which resulted like it always does...my sobbing uncontrollably. Feeling worst than when I was mad. I keep asking myself day after day after day..WHY ME? Why did I get this rotten deal in life. Why couldn't someone else have all my suffering. Someone who is truly evil. But why me? Why do I suffer with this mental anguish. Why do I have to suffer with all the other physical ailments I have? Constant back back, migraines,sleep apnea, sinus issues which result in constant pain in that area of my face. I mean really, WTF!!!!! WHY ME!! And to get anyone to truly understand is like smacking my head against the god damn wall. My family's only retort to me saying I am tired is, "your always tired"! I mean come on!!! Add to this the problems I have in my marriage, I am living in a complete HELL. My kids hate me, literally! My LO is terrified of me and wants nothing to do with me half the time. All because of my bipolar. I don't want sympathy from anyone. Just a little compassion. I dont know how to help my family understand what I am going through. I dont know how to get them to understand anything about what it means to be bipolar. This has to be THE WORST thing to suffer with. IMO anything else is tolerable. But this, this is to much. I cant deal with it anymore. I have more bad days then good days. And it seems like all I do is complain.. IDK what to do anymore. I just want to not be here anymore. Seems like it would be so much easier.

First, I couldn't have said these words any better, I have been suffering with this for the longest. For days I've started to type this but erased and put my phone down each time. So thanks for having the strength! And Second, I'm sorry that you are also feeling this way and I agree it is pure mental agony. The feeling that everyone is against you and no one understands is such a lonely and heartbreaking feeling! I just got medicated today and is hoping for better days. Huuuuugsss

[cowboy87]

I often ask myself the same thing. Why does my life have to be an emotional roller coaster. It is hard to say to you without really knowing you, this isn't suppose to be hurtful in any way. It is more of a spiritual awakening. I hate when people joke about taking my medication or ask me if I spilled a few Cocoa Puffs out of my head today. I will say this. What is done is done. We can't change that. However we can move on. I had to learn how to do everythng I learned in life all over again. Because I am not able to cope or function like a normal person. But relearning these new ways of therapy modification have made me happier than I have ever been. We all have different ways we get through our bad days. Some of cry, some of us scream and break stuff, others just want to hide. But whatever it is that you learn to help you cope, do it. Some days I crawl under a blanket with a tub of ice cream and $25 of Taco Bell and watch horror movies all day long with the curtains drawn and my phone shut off. I know it is hard but one of my favorite quotes from the movie the crow "it can't rain all the time."