[Daonnachd]

Trying to be a positive presence, but feeling hollow. I think I'll go hide in a hole so I don't taint anyone's day.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by vertigo

Trying to be a positive presence, but feeling hollow. I think I'll go hide in a hole so I don't taint anyone's day.

(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Lifeischallenging]

So I had a better day at work. I wasn't annoyed with my customers. It was pleasant. Luckily, I did not get spoken to about yesterday. I still wish this rollercoaster of emotions would go away. I keep thinking that there is something wrong. Like why did I have to end up with this diagnoses? My brother in law's brat kid was acting up too. It stressed me out a great deal that I had to go out for a walk and stay out for a bit.

[Lifeischallenging]

Originally Posted by gina_re

My cat died last night. I've had her for 10.5 years. As if I needed anything else to bring me down. I was crying all morning. I had a friend come by today. Now I'm back in my room to cry again.

You can pass this. It happened to me too. My cat passed away 2 years ago last year at 16. It hurt me so much. I started balling my eyes out right there in the vets office. But I eventually learned that she is still with me. She and all my other good pets are waiting up there for me.

[wonderluster]

Originally Posted by VerMOZZica

I`m feeling worried right now.Tomorrow I have an an appointment at the place I get pysch services from.That`s not really why I am worried though.I am worried because the appointment might be with someone I went to school with so I`m afraid this person will find out that I`m mentally ill. I don`t like confrontation so I`m not sure what to do.This has made my weekend miserable.

You will be ok.

Those that judge and look down at others are the sickest of all.
You know yourself and your value and so does everybody here and everybody in your personal circle

(((((((((gina_re))))))))) So sorry to hear about your furbaby.

Here...been better. Anxiety has been very high. There are things that need doing and... I just can't seem to will myself to do them. Things are just freaking me out and overwhelming me.

Turned out BF's back situation was more serious than a herniated disc and they had to do surgery (for hours!) He'll be in the hospital awhile yet, then apparently some additional care (that they come to our home for(?!) Meanwhile, it's weird having the place to myself while he's in the hospital.

I don't think the anxiety is about that though. It's more free-floating, and had started previous to it. Regardless, it's doing a number on me.

I just want to go hide in a hidey-hole.

[Wander]

Today has been an ok day so far (4 pm) but I do tend to fall apart at night. This morning was my first day without Zoloft (coming straight off as only been on low dose for six days). It sent me mixed in a very bad way. After TMS I studied for a university test and then went to university for three hours. Thanks to Modafinil I made it through and did well in my test. Now my brain is fried though. TV for me tonight.

This is my seventh week in hospital and in eight days I will have finished my TMS. Still waiting for it to work and really hoping it does as I am desperate to go home. Depression is still bad but I think it is improving a little. Just hope the agitation goes away once the Zoloft is out of my system. It has been excruciating. On the positive side it is spring here and the weather is warming up. I love warmer weather and dislike winter.

[bpforever1]

My father is here and sleeps most of the time. Otherwise, he is awake and complains about aches and pains. I am hoping he is having a peaceful rest while he visits me. I think that being in his eighties and doing physical labor is becoming too much for him. I wish he can retire and spend his time sleeping and taking it easy. As for me, I am tired but doing ok. I think the generic Abilify works but the side effects of sedation and weight gain are problems. If I feel my weight cannot be controlled, I will return to brand Abilify. I will take generic Abilify for at least two months to see its full effect. If I blow up into the Michelin man in the next two months, I will realize that the side effect of weight gain is not worth the saving in cost of generic Abilify. We shall see!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bpforever1

My father is here and sleeps most of the time. Otherwise, he is awake and complains about aches and pains. I am hoping he is having a peaceful rest while he visits me. I think that being in his eighties and doing physical labor is becoming too much for him. I wish he can retire and spend his time sleeping and taking it easy. As for me, I am tired but doing ok. I think the generic Abilify works but the side effects of sedation and weight gain are problems. If I feel my weight cannot be controlled, I will return to brand Abilify. I will take generic Abilify for at least two months to see its full effect. If I blow up into the Michelin man in the next two months, I will realize that the side effect of weight gain is not worth the saving in cost of generic Abilify. We shall see!

You've noticed a difference in the weight gain side-effect and the brand name has less weight gain for you? I am very curious because I am dealing with that same side-effect. Thanks for clarifying.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( gina_re ))))))

So sorry for your loss.

WC

yesterday got my sterrio installed.

I like it, nice basey sound.

I am doing okay- I didn't sleep yesterday, stayed up until about 3 30 working out all the functions of the sterrio, then just caught up on some tv programme from the night before.

I saw my mental health worker today. told her not much had changed since we last spoke, and she was sorry things couldn't be more positive.

worked out my dinner for tonight, turkey dinos and chips (I actually have some crinkle cut chips in so will have those)

rain is less today, actually it's quite hot inside today (not muggy hot I wouldn't say, just hot), so will be sensible and put my fan on in a minit

[ldymia]

I went to bed early around 8 or so, depressed and sleepy from meds. Woke up around 3 feeling hyper, wide awake...and no depression. I think I'm starting a manic episode.

Since I've been up I have done dishes, cleaned stove and oven, cleaned bathroom, cleaned living room, took shower, did hair, and got an appointment with therapist for this afternoon. And waiting for others to get up so I can cook a big breakfast. ( I usually skip breakfast and lunch)

Does that sound like a manic beginning?

[gina_re]

I'm coping. Barely.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by gina_re

I'm coping. Barely.

(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[wonderluster]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

I just finished the 2 week orientation at the my new job (in a hospital). The hospital is so huge and the layout such a chaotic maze (and me with no sense of direction) it's caused no end of anxiety. I see my colleagues, their relaxed demeanors, and am jealous and feel so so bad. It takes so much energy to hide anxiety -or the worst of it. And I'm exhausted. I feel down at work, because of all of this, and this is also so hard to hide.

I'm a Certified Spanish Medical Interpreter, so I interpret for Spanish-speaking patients all over the hospital, inpatients and outpatients.

I move on to per diem work now (I'm called in when needed and can refuse jobs if I want to, but I need to take as many as I can to make enough money) and it's scary. The money is in taking night and weekend shifts (where there's no one to help you, you're alone, no dispatcher or other interpreters, night interpreters work til 1:30am and weekend interpreters work 12-hour shifts. Both are responsible for the entire hospital). If I were to take these shifts it would be so nerve-wracking because I still don't know my way around, especially the ER, with it's 8 different areas, that don't make a lot of sense how they're laid out.

In short, I'm very very anxious and having a hard time hiding this from my co-workers and my boss. I feel so alone. I've even considered bringing Klonopin with me in case I need it, but it makes me a bit sleepy and I need to be wide awake...

I know this will get better with time, but I'm afraid of making terrible mistakes along the way. I've gotten lots of tours of the hospital and still have a very hard time finding my way around. I feel so bad. I feel stupid. My lack of sense of direction has come to bite me.

As has my back pain. I can't stand for very long without searing pain in my back. My last job, in California, was mostly outpatient so I could sit for much of the time. Not here. ER is pure standing as are inpatient encounters.

Sorry this is so long. The long and short of it, is my terrible anxiety and my ability to hide it. I wonder how others do it. It's so so hard. And it's starting to bring my mood down, more every day.

It is normal to lack confidence in a new situation. Just focus on excelling in your job and you will be a confident pro real soon!

[wonderluster]

So I am not letting my BPD super powers distress me tonight.
Yes, I see right through things that the average John and Jane have no clue about as they avidly seek to fulfill their needs and desires.

It is not my fault that the entire world is a crime scene, but it is my fault if I try to solve it all now and let it make me crazy. Just kidding...mostly.

Thanks and Hugs to All

[Sunflower123]

Doing pretty good. Went cold turkey on stopping caffeine (my therapist wanted me to stop). Headache from ****. I think I'll try slow reduction

Got permission to float through this week though the pool is closed. Yay!!!! Heading down there soon then going out to $5 movie day Tuesday to watch 3 movies. I am very grateful on the days I'm able to go out. You really can't take anything for granted with this illness.

I hope everyone is doing ok.

[bizi]

enjoy your day jenn!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[wonderluster]

I mentioned on PC before that the consequences get worse the more we make the same mistake.

My mistake of choice is one that I think many with BPD can understand, but few would be so stupid to commit FOUR times.

Four times 4 different women befriended me on FB when I was minding my own business and I ended up traveling from 3,000 miles to halfway around the world to marry them. This all happened in the last 5 years.

The first time my fiance died of cancer a week after she was diagnosed with it.
We were together a year and we talked about 8 hours a day the whole time.
I never knew what loneliness was until she died.

The last 3 have been horror shows.
I have pretty much decided to leave India the first of next month.
I was promised that my visa would remain legal, but it never happened.

I may face fines and jail time up to 5 years.
Hopefully the American Consular can help me get off with just fines.

I am really stuck this time. It looks like my best bet is to get to England and find an organic farm that gives room and board in exchange for help. There is a world wide program that hooks travelers up with farm hosts called WWOOF.
Anyways, Just over a year ago I was a host with wwoofers on my property in Arizona and before that I wwoofed for 3 months on a Hare Krishna farm in Mississippi near New Orleans, so I am familiar with this.

I am really stressed. This is a very bad situation. I can not begin to explain how effed up this is. I feel like I am being held hostage. It really gets scary as Hell sometimes. There is something really wrong here and it is not entirely in my head.

Ok...now I am getting freaked out thinking about it.

Thanks and Hugs!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by wonderluster

I mentioned on PC before I think that the consequences get worse the more we make the same mistake.

My mistake of choice is one that I think many with BPD can understand, but few would be so stupid to commit FOUR times.

Four times 4 different women befriended me on FB when I was minding my own business and I ended up traveling from 3,000 miles to halfway around the world to marry them. This all happened in the last 5 years.

The first time my fiance died of cancer a week after she was diagnosed with it.
We were together a year and we talked about 8 hours a day the whole time.
I never knew what loneliness was until she died.

The last 3 have been horror shows.
I have pretty much decided to leave India the first of next month.
I was promised that my visa would remain legal, but it never happened.

I may face fines and jail time up to 5 years.
Hopefully the American Consular can help me get off with just fines.

I am really stuck this time. It looks like my best bet is to get to England and find an organic farm that gives room and board in exchange for help. There is a world wide program that hooks travelers up with farm hosts called WWOOF.
Anyways, Just over a year ago I was a host with wwoofers on my property in Arizona and before that I wwoofed for 3 months on a Hare Krishna farm in Mississippi near New Orleans. So I am familiar with this.

So I am really stressed. This is a very bad situation. I can not begin to explain how effed up this is. I feel like I am being held hostage. It really gets scary as Hell sometimes. There is something really wrong here and it is not entirely in my head.

Ok...now I am getting freaked out thinking about it.

Thanks and Hugs!

I have a friend with Borderline Personality disorder who also goes through this. Lots of very long intercontinental trips to be with someone she's found online, all of whom are her soulmate, with the intention of marriage. This has always ended in disaster for her, not to mention it can be dangerous.
I am sorry you also go through this.

WC

[wonderluster]

Originally Posted by wonderluster

There is something really wrong here and it is not entirely in my head.

Actually, it may be entirely in my head.
But that is getting philosophical.

Someone said the key to life is knowing when to leave.
Something is telling me to get out of here, QUICK!

Thanks for listening. It really helps me to get this stuff out.
It has been such a burden dealing with this silently in my head.

I hope you are all ok. I will try to sleep now. It is 3:02 am. I can sleep til Noon so it's ok

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by wonderluster

Actually, it may be entirely in my head.
But that is getting philosophical.

Someone said the key to life is knowing when to leave.
Something is telling me to get out of here, QUICK!

Thanks for listening. It really helps me to get this stuff out.
It has been such a burden dealing with this silently in my head.

I hope you are all ok. I will try to sleep now. It is 3:02 am. I can sleep til Noon so it's ok

I hope you can get some quality sleep.

WC

[wonderluster]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I have a friend with Borderline Personality disorder who also goes through this. Lots of very long intercontinental trips to be with someone she's found online, all of whom are her soulmate, with the intention of marriage. This has always ended in disaster for her, not to mention it can be dangerous.
I am sorry you also go through this.

WC

Thanks WC

It's the crazy romance that can only be sustained from a distance in a fantasy realm.

I get that now. I finally get it. Local romance can be crazy enough and that is all if any that I will ever again get involved with.

I will no longer make my life crazy and complicated (in this way, anyways)

Single and Simple sounds real nice....if I survive this!

[VerMOZZica]

Originally Posted by wonderluster

You will be ok.

Those that judge and look down at others are the sickest of all.
You know yourself and your value and so does everybody here and everybody in your personal circle

Thank you wonderluster. I did go today and the appointment was with the person I knew from school.But once she saw it was me she asked if I would be more comfortable with someone else and I said yes I would be more comfortable with someone else.So I had the appointment with someone else and now it is done and over and I feel relieved.Thanks again for your reply.

[hopeless2015]

Ended up back at convenient care this weekend, breathing treatment, steroid and antibiotics again. Feeling much better today.